From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“In my day, we didn't have fancy replicators. We had to microwave our food!”
“It goes ding when there's stuff.”
The microwave oven is a rectangular box, usually white in color, which is used to heat up random objects such as tin foil, doll heads, frogs, and other small creatures. Microwave ovens are found in kitchens all over the world, and have been featured in thousands of online videos made by middle school aged teens. Often called a nuclear oven as opposed to a conventional oven, this infernal device could only be conceived by the cruelest minds in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL, most undoubtedly conceived by such abhorrid demon philosophers as Heinrich Himmler, Jack the Ripper, and Al Gore, in a fashion that Lucifer's own damned, radiating evilness served as a rudimentary template of unholy culinary design, the microwave is an ingenious yet simple device used to burn food around the edges, turn bacon into rubber, make biscuits into hockey pucks, burn water, create civil unrest in African countries, stale a newly opened can of Guinness, cancel your favorite TV sitcom, interrupt your wireless internet connection, excommunicate the Pope, and explode hamsters by zapping them with rays of concentrated evil. Rays of concentrated evil cause atoms to become angry, thus raising their temperatures. When turned on, a microwave oven goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
First built in 1282, by Lucifer Himself; they work in exactly the opposite way that a refrigerator works, which uses concentrated good to cool and calm food. Modern microwaves often have built-in rotational devices in order to spread the evil more evenly. Modeled after the Easy Bake Oven, the microwave is now the simplest way to utilize evil. In the past applying evil was dangerous and unreliable due to the unpredictable nature of evil, while refrigerators have been in use since the dawn of time.
The microwave oven was first invented by the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes in 390 B.C. and was made of Styrofoam. It was powered by a turbine, which was spun by two snakes tied end-to-end, which slithered around a wheel. They were made by Aristophanes for his friends and mistresses. Due to the limitations of these materials and the power source, only one of the many thousands made has survived, which is kept under constant surveillance in the Pentagon. No written blueprints exist for these first ovens, as Aristophanes was illiterate.
Incidentally, food was invented 20 years before the modern microwave oven, which was originally invented in 1954 by Milton Bradley for the U.S. Pentagon as a weapon of mass destruction due to its cancer causing capacity. To date, the microwave is the third most popular carcinogen after NutraSweet™, underarm deodorant, and television. It was discovered in 2010 that microwaves could cause your testicles and attractiveness to increase by 900%.
No one knows how the device actually makes things hot, although many scholars believe that its magical power is derived from an ancient dark skull crystal forged in another dimension by the Dark Skull Crystal Lord.
Microwaves do require an electrical power source to operate, mainly to rotate a circular glass plate engraved with ancient symbols which, when rotated around the dark skull crystal summon the magic demon fire (See diagram)
Microwaves are known to have been first invented by Tiger Toys as a means of disposing of unwanted and often demonically possessed furbys. The grating placed on the doors is not a "radiation shield" but a reinforced steel grating blessed by Pope Masta Rymez X to contain furbys. One simply lures the furby into the microwave by saying "Oo si himoo gigi ka-ta!" Translated in English to mean "There's a helpless infant in the shiny box!" One then slams the door shut and presses the conveniently located one-touch cooking button labeled "Possessed Furry Animal ". The furby may then begin uttering curses and making threats such as "Doo-moh! Kah mee mee dah boh-bay.!" meaning "I'm going to gouge your eyes out with my beak and then set fire to your loved ones!" and it may also say "May may....u-nye. U-nye.... boo may may kah?" meaning "Your grandmother is a very promiscuous woman." (Warning signs of demonic furbys include asking you to press the reset button in its mouth because it is sick. It really wants to bite off your entire arm.)
Microwave Oven 0.8 Beta was first released to the public in 1960. This application was particularly bulky, and tended to cause a general protection fault when cooking un-endangered species. This precluded it from being embraced by the mainstream market. Even so, it was followed by the first full release, Microwave Oven 1.0, in early 1961. Of note, this earliest version was plagued by manufacturing problems which allowed some of the generated evil to escape the containment device. After it was discovered that Microwave Oven 1.0 played a major part in the Bay of Pigs incident, a patch was quickly released. It is suspected that Bill Gates may have come into contact with an un-patched version of Microwave Oven 1.0 during a first grade class trip.
Microwave Oven 2.0 was brought to market in 1980, this time at a price point which allowed American consumers to bring the wonders of evil generation into their own homes. Although version 2.0 contained the generated evil much more completely than version 1.0, some evil still escaped into the environment. The large number of Microwave Oven 2.0s which were put into service during the 1980s certainly played a part in the spike in gasoline prices, the increase in the national debt and budget deficits, and the massive build-up of weapons by the United States.
In 1998, Microwave Oven 3.0 was clandestinely developed by the Pentagon. Version 3.0 was provided exclusively to the GOP, free of charge. George W. Bush completed construction of a Microwave Oven 3.0 sleeping chamber inside the bunker under his ranch in Crawford, Texas in 1999. On the Democratic side of the aisle, Al Gore was known to keep a Convection/Toaster Oven Version 2.0 in his sauna; clearly this had little effect against the evil power of Microwave Oven 3.0.
Unnamed sources inside the administration have leaked classified information which indicates that Vice President Dick Cheney's "pacemaker" is actually a tiny Microwave Oven 3.0, and that Donald Rumsfeld is, in fact, a robot whose core technology is driven by Microwave Oven 3.5 beta.
edit Marshmallow Peeps
If you put a Marshmallow Peep in the microwave, it is great fun to watch it get bigger and bigger and bigger and then explode and cover the entire inside of of the microwave evil with good sugary sticky stuff. A popular American pastime is to put two Marshmallow Peeps in at the same time and taking bets on which one will envelope the other first. This is known as Peep Jousting.
In 1981, there was a microwave shortage in the state of california, to make up for this 4 kids who had recently learned that shouting could heat up food decided to form a band so they could warm up their hot pockets. In 1983 they landed a record deal and decided to sell out on their microwave origins, now being one of the heaviest bands in the world many of their fans come to concerts just to heat up a cup of coffee.
The microwave can quickly become an explosive device due to its connection with the Pentagon. Use extreme caution when reheating Peeps, hard boiled eggs, hamsters, and chicken McNuggets.
Also, do not open the door. when you do, it will turn on and kill you.
- Some items contain naturally occurring metals such as salt (sodium), aluminum foil, Orcs, and spoons and forks. These can create massive sparks if they're in the path of beams of evil.
- Compact discs are particularly sensitive and will explode, releasing vast amounts of evil if microwaved. This is especially true of AOL CDs, which are made of pure evil.
- One must also take care when microwaving potatoes or food items stored in plastic bags. The skin of the potato or the plastic bag must be punctured prior to microwaving. The purpose of this is to let the excess potassium out. If this is not done the item may explode leaving mashed potatoes splattered all over the inside of the microwave.
edit Microwave Ovens and the Urban Ecosystem
Due to leaks in microwave ovens and their widespread use, evil is being released at an alarming rate in urban areas. People in these dense urban areas are bombarded by exponentially more evil than those in rural areas. This has led to an increase in crime among the poor, who use microwave ovens more often than the rich, due to the abundance and low cost of evil.
Some social health activists have been advocating the widespread use of tinfoil hats in dense urban areas where evil is most prominent, though religious leaders are opposed to this because it also keeps good from entering the body. Doctors and scientists are divided on the issue of effectiveness of tinfoil hats in the control of the spread of evil.
Due to the progress of cheaper technology and rise of public expectations hotels have unintentionally become hot-spots of evil. With a small, inexpensive, poorly shielded microwave oven in every room, the concentration of evil-per-square-foot in a standard Holiday Inn exceeds that of Disney World by a factor of 12. Instead of correcting the issue hotel managers have embraced it and become the site of choice for orthodontic, life insurance, furries, and vacuum cleaner conventions.
All of these Experiments are not recommended they can cause harm or death if tried!
- Get a mobile phone. Place it in a microwave, give it full power for ten minutes. Listen to the mobile phone on another phone as it cooks.
- Get a laptop with WiFi or Bluetooth, and run a 'computer performance diagnostics' type program that shows chip temperature and etc. Again, microwave at full power for ten minutes, while observing the program on another computer.
- Take a sheet of tinfoil and tear it into small strips; roll these strips into loosely wrapped balls. Fill a glass bottle halfway with drain cleaner. Quickly, pour the foil balls into the half-full bottle and cap it tightly. Throw it in the oven for twelve minutes. For your own safety, you may want to hide behind a large piece of furniture or an obese American.
- Find an African elephant and compress it down to the size of a golf ball. Turn the microwave on high for 17 hours and watch the elephants insides come out through its tusks. Eventually everyone in the room with you will explode and shit everywhere, and the elephant will become supreme ruler of the universe.
edit Current Developments in Microwavology
Scientists working at CERN, the largest international effort to further microwave research, have completed building the LHM (Large Huge Microwave) which when powered to its full dark crystal energy will be the world's largest microwave oven, capable of melting a record 7,000,000,000 Barbie dolls in one second or 7000 Mbds. At this rate, the LHM could fill Lake Ontario with melted Barbie goo in just 10 seconds.
The current record for melting Barbie dolls, is held by Jimmy's Pizza, in Massachusetts, which reached just over 1.2 Mbds. This could hardly fill Lake Ontario, and is far too little to provide useful scientific data.
Constructing the LHM took 20 years, 40,000 workers, and over 7 billion Chuckie Cheese tickets. Its main "plate" is a mile wide platter made of heat treated glass which rotates on a turntable driven by 700 space crickets.
The LHM was sheduled to power up on Dec 12, 2009 but a DTF (duct tape failure) caused a space cricket to sprain its ankle, at which point it let out a chirp which disrupted the dark skull crystal.
After 12 months of repairs, the LHM is on track to its scheduled full power test on Dec 12, 2012, at which time its plate will be loaded with 7,000 industrial rolls of aluminum foil, crumpled up into the shape of barbie doll and spun up to full speed.
The resulting reaction will be captured by an iphone 4s and the data will be posted on Twitter for analysis.
Critics have speculated that powering up such a large microwave could open a gateway to the alternate dimension and free the Dark Skull Crystal Lord who would then enslave all humanity for 1,000 years, but CERN reasearchers have reassured the community that there is only a 1 in 6 chance that such an event could ever be triggered by a giant microwave oven, even if it was loaded with aluminum foil.
It has been suggested that microwaves could be used for household cooking applications, but this claim is ridiculous when one considers the curse effect that dark skull crystals have on produce and meats, which would make any attempt to safely cook food in a microwave a death sentence.
Thankfully microwave ovens are used much more effectively as a method of exploding eggs, popping beetles, melting Barbies, and other practical activities.
edit Microwave Grape Racing
Get a bunch of grapes and some friends (if you do not have any friends, join Myspace and get some emos instead). Each select a grape and write your name on it in ballpoint pen. Place grapes in microwave and start cooking. As the juice inside the grapes heats up, it will expand and squirt out of the little hole where the grape was attached to the vine (this is the grape's anus, I expect). Due to the wonders of Science, this will cause the grape to move forward. Whoever's grape moves farthest is the winner.
- Note: Disappointingly, this does not work with plums. Plums are too large and heavy, so they just squirt out loads of horrible hot goo which will go all over the inside of the microwave, and your mum will smack your bum for making a mess. It might work with hamsters, though.
edit Was Stonehenge An Ancient Microwave Oven?
World famous archaeologist Professor Thomas Oldefart has put forward the theory that Stonehenge, the mysterious ring of giant stones standing on Salisbury Plain, is in fact an ancient microwave.
"Well, it works like this...all the ancient earthworks in the area are gathering orgone energy, chi energy and earth-spirit energy, then transmitting them via ley-lines to the henge. Once there, they charge up the stones which then convert them into electricity, and the stones transmit that in the form of microwaves to the heel stone, where they're converted into heat. In an experiment, my team placed a raw chicken on the heel stone and left it for twenty minutes. The first attempt failed, because a fox stole the chicken. But second time around, we returned to the stone and discovered the chicken was perfectly cooked - we ate it with some french fries and it was delicious." (Extract from 'Is Stonehenge An Ancient Microwave?', author Professor. Thomas Oldefart, University of The New Age Press 1998).
"An ancient microwave? Jeez, is this guy even a real professor or did he buy his doctorate for $100 off some spammers? And I bet he had the shits after that experiment, everyone knows you can't cook raw chicken in a microwave." (Extract from 'Professor Thomas Oldefart Is A Stupid Old Hippy Who Takes Way Too Much LSD", author Dr. Tim de Bunker, Oxford University Press 1999).
edit Angel Food Cake
Angel food cake is believed to, if microwaved, create a crazy explosion since it's mixing both good and deliciousness with the pure evilness of the microwave. It will most likely end in everyone dying and Earth being blown off the face of the universe. If Devil's food cake is Microwaved, it might become the most evil thing every conceived, and if eaten, will kill you or have Lucifer himself take over your body. Possibly even both. If Angel food cake and Devil's food cake is microwaved together, it will most likely end in the reverse of the Big Bang. Also, an effective way to get rid of those pesky Mormon missionaries is to build a microwave big enough for a human, and trick them into sitting on it. You can press the conveniently-placed "Obnoxious religious person" next to the also very convenient "Possessed furry animal", which is also good for killing furries.
edit See also
- Why?:Stick Things in the Microwave Oven
- How to Microwave a Meal
- Your estimate of how long to reheat the lasagna
For the sake of satire, comedy, wit, The Ha! Ha! Quaker, Kitten Huffers, and Sophia, this piece of Uncyclopedian literature, has undergone substantial and pertinent Faulknerization in the first sentence, with the intention to cultivate a more apropos and salient reading experience for all Uncyclopedians who might be entreated to endeavor a viewing upon this entry when the fancy strikes and such an uncontrollable lust for content-free misinformation overwhelms the reader that only Sir Oscar Wilde himself, through his abundent and comprehensive acumen, and his quotings can satisfy the demon urge.
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.