“Microsoft has encountered a problem and Microsoft Paperclip was forced to stay open. Looks like I am stuck with you for ever. Do you need any help?”
“Go away, paperclip, nobody likes you!”
“It looks like you are writing a ransom note. Do you want some advice? You should use more forceful language. You can get more money that way.”
The Microsoft Word Paperclip or Clippit (also known as "Brendan", "Clippy" or "that annoying paperclip") is an omnipotent digital intelligence that is most commonly known as one of the many office assistants from Microsoft Office Thespian Troupe, Chapter 1337, otherwise known as the MOTT. It is the best known as the most annoying paperclip the earth has ever seen. He is a Meisner actor by trade, but holds a professional degree from Stanford University in Organizational Management. He has become one of the most widely debated and controversial icons of Microsoft Office, with consumer feelings ranging from intense love to absolute hatred (passing from the former to the latter after your first 3 minutes ever on a computer; Clippy's mood-altering effects still lack FDA approval).
The Microsoft Word Paperclip was organically designed by the AIM (Apple-IBM-Motorola) alliance back in 1402. But in 2000 sold it to Microsoft for 40.5 billion dollars. After Gates had bought it, he only had $10 dollars left until 2007. That's all. Except the savings used for prostitution.
Hacked by 13 people during 13 lunch breaks, maximum. Specifications were passed on from a furiously giggling programmer to a hopeful but naive intern as a prank for several years, and went through just enough people to spread accountability thin enough so no one was fired - which was the reason someone actually implemented it as a joke.
The Paperclip has enjoyed steady employment at Microsoft since the 1997 edition of Microsoft Word was released, along with a band of other performers who the Paperclip has dubbed "The Microsoft Office Thespian Troupe, Chapter 1337". While the Paperclip has consistently stated that every member of the group is equally important, it is clear that the Paperclip is the group's main attraction. Other members of the group, such as Hoverbot or Scribble, have not enjoyed recognition on the same level as the Paperclip has.
The primary roll of the MOTT, as it was known for short, was to provide quaint and humorous assistance to the frustrated writer, office worker, or whomever was using Word at the time. The Paperclip seemed to be particularly concerned with the formatting of formal letters, and had an undying curiosity about the subject that would garner a significant amount of animosity towards the MOTT over the years.
Beginning in 2001, people began to question the usefulness of the MOTT in Microsoft Word. They had been handy at first, but their instruction had been almost too thorough; they were now simply an an unneeded vestige. However, the MOTT persisted in Word and the Paperclip continued to question the validity of the user's formal letters.
As a result, the Anti-MOTT League (or AML, for short) began organizing protests outside of Microsoft's headquarters in Redmond, Washington. However, the Board of Directors, Steve most of all, were not ready to let go of such a positive and powerful employee. But there still remained the problem of the AML and the protests; they could prove to have a smothering effect on Word's market if something was not done, and soon.
Therefore, the Board cut a deal with the MOTT: starting in 2003, the MOTT would begin to be phased out of Microsoft Word, with a complete removal in 2007. In return, the MOTT would receive corporate funding to pursue private ventures of the MOTT's choosing. While the members were reluctant at first, the Paperclip, eager to expand his acting repertoire, convinced the others that it was time for the MOTT to take a turn for the stage; what better way to do that than with a corporate backing?
As of 2007, the MOTT has been officially retired from Microsoft Word. It is not, however, the end of their careers. According to a recent interview with noted acting coach/douchebag James Lipton, the Paperclip has stated that the MOTT has recently purchased a black box theater in Seattle, dubbed "The MOTT House". They are planning to perform original productions there, as well as more well-known pieces. According to the Paperclip, Will is currently working on a modernization of "Green Grow the Lilacs" with Scribble, and Hoverbot is updating the lighting in the theater to Broadway scale.
As for clippy personally, he is currently serving as a consultant for Sun Microsystems, advising them on data storage and backup. In addition, he has been cast as Puck in an off-Broadway production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream". He is very optimistic about the future, and hopes that Word was simply the beginning, for both MOTT and for himself.
To the people who saw/used him on Microsoft Word, he seemed friendly enough, but behind the scenes, he always fought with fellow Office Assistants, like Office Logo and the cat. He developed a relationship with F1, and the two later got married.
After being arrested for shooting a gun out of the window of his SUV while driving, his marriage with F1 got shaky. Their only son was killed in an incident where the driver of an SUV shot him in his face, but the culprit was never found or identified. This was when Clippit developed a drinking problem. He also became abusive, just like his father, Pa Clippit. After finding his wife in bed with fellow Office Assistant Merlin, he lost all control. He went missing for the next week, but was reported by many well-connected hobos and professional hoe-wranglers to have taken up the respectable pastime of doing cocaine. Exactly one week after leaving home, the body of Merlin was found with his hard drive shoved up his USB port, presumed murdered by Clippit.
Since the death of Merlin, Clippit hasn't been seen by anybody, even though the police are after him. But some people say that if you look at a full moon and make a wish real hard with all of your might (and also sleep with his wife), he'll show himself (and then kill you).
Recently, a photograph has been circulating on approximately 42 of the internets of Clippit's alleged suicide. The photograph shows a dead paperclip with a bullet hole through his fucking head, a gun, and a suicide note. The note reads:
To all who know me:Detective Peter Sellers was sent to investigate the suicide. He concluded that the paperclip may have been Clippit, or may not have, citing that "all fucking paperclips look the same". F1 has refused to comment but was reported to have had "kinky mourning sex" the night discovering the photo. George Dubya Bush has announced that February 30 will be national Clippit Remembrance Day.
If you are reading this then I have ended my life. Now write your own letters for once.
Clippit had been proven guilty of homicide and rape in Pillsmont Elementary, several victims were under the age of ten and were lucky to be alive. Three teachers were killed, one man was damaged so badly that investigators are still trying to find out who he was and one man was found in the corner of an empty room repeating "it looks like you're writing a letter would you like some help?" and laughing insanely. When Clippit was in jail he performed certain actions with the other jail mates that we the news team cannot discuss. After his release he was shot several times and was carried to the near hospital of Pillsmont, there he rested in a coma for one month, the doctors performed tests on him in his sleep. These tests were perverse in nature and therefore shall not be discussed.