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“In Soviet Russia, Microsoft Office activates YOU!!'”
Microsoft Office (formerly called "Microsoft Orifice," or "UltraOffice" - before Microsoft's Steve Ballmer won in a challenge OpenOffice at the Thanksgiving Gladiator tournament in the new district of Gatesville in suburban Baghdad) is a counterproductive suite of tools used in hardly workplace-like environments.
Office has the power to eat all available RAM and still hunger for more. It will crash often and always at a critical moment, usually as you are trying to save, but really at any other time, too. In fact, somewhere there exists a mathematical equation that demonstrates that as the importance of the document increases, the probability of crashing increases exponentially. Microsoft Office can only be defeated by converting it to MS Baby's Bedroom, however if you're writing a thesis, even the customer service representatives at Microsoft recommend a typewriter.
Main article: MS Word
A word chopper-upper. You must be fluent in binary and assembler to be able to use it—and not normal binary or assembler—Tahitian flame-juggling binary (which instead of 1's and 0's, uses 100-pound flaming coconuts and drunken barmaids... sounds fun, but it gets old FAST), and Assembler for Native speakers of Klingon Yiddish. Want macros? Closest you're going to get is a $100.09 box of Cheezy-Mac from the local Microsoft Gas Station (marked up from 99¢).
Words alone can
not express the madness of this single application. Although frequently billed as some sort of word-processor, this is a lie. Word Processors do NOT fight back. MS Word, however, re-formats your document as you type, with patented crap-shit technology allowing it to accurately predict what you don't want to do, and then automatically doing just exactly that. It translates coherent sentences into blithering nonsense through its proprietary Grammar-Chuck protocol. It will destroy and ruin your work with words that don't even exist. It will also automatically install the desire to leap off of a tall building with several running chainsaws strapped to various parts of your body.
Versions of MS Word include:
- Word 4.0
- Word 95
- Word 97
- Word 2000
- Word XP
- Word 2003
- Word 2004 for Mac OS X
- Word 2007
- Word 2008 for Mac OS X
and the hidden:
- Word NFWTMC (Word N ot Filled With Too Much Crap)
An all new adition to the office suite, NexusPoint will allow you to travel back and forward through time and even alter time to your liking. This has a lot of complex options including a Paradox Inhibitor, and if you plan to alter history to make Microsoft good, Go Ahead, We won't stop you.*
The disadvantage of using NexusPoint is that no information can be shared through it. If you plan to travel through time you need to be aware of all information you would otherwise expected to be told by NexusPoint. In 2029, Sarah Connor saves humankind by replacing NexusPoint with Powerpork in the 1997 version of Office.
* If you alter our history, Microsoft will wipe your existence by killing you when you were born.
Disguised as a mail client, this program systematically searches the internet for the worst viruses, the most graphic porn, and the most horrible images of fat kids on trampolines that exist and downloads them automatically. As an added bonus, it uses open source components like ActiveX-technology to automatically install all software, create thumbnails and slideshows of porn and other "stuff" and leave an attractive and vividly descriptive shortcut on the desktop—so your spouse can find it easily. If you're divorced or a spinster, Outhouse will eventually fill your entire hard disk with premium content.
The latest version also comes with a SPAM plugin, which will serve you tasty slices of fried gelatinous artificial meat brick from the computer's floppy drive. This feature is only available in the Creative Suite-line of Office.
With this incredibly easy-to-lose database, which complies to no SQL standards known to man, you can easily store all your critical data in an indexed (requires 100 index cards per kilobyte of data in the database), and searchable (though you'll never find anything useful) database, and even create forms (so you can easily lose even more data) and reports (to tell you that you've lost a lot of stuff).
Believed to be named after Hard-Rock Drug-dude AxeIt Rose
XL graphically divides your screen into an attractive grid of boxes that can hold numbers and even words. No other known features exist, but that's okay because after 10 or 15 minutes it will crash anyway. For advanced users, we recommend upgrading to MS Abacus. Later versions of Office replace XL with Exhale.
The main reason for its name is that it can hold eXtra Large spreadsheets, like 3x3.
A spreadsheet program that really blows! If you have saved data, it blows away those files as well. It even blows away all the papers on your desk. Hey, at least it doesn't suck like Inhale, and it gives you a valid excuse for not doing your work ("My papers fell on the floor and I need to reorganize them with EXHALE").
Basically an application fork of Exhale—but it sucks. It inhales the spreadsheet and your stored files. It also inhales everything—I mean everything on your desk, including your keyboard, your mouse, your cat, and all your confidential papers. But don't worry—Windows Update keeps backups of everything (contact us for prices). WARNING: If your monitor uses a high resolution, you may be sucked in too and get wench-slapped by your lost data.
SocioPath designed forms can now be used from a browser, provided the server is running SocioPath Forms Services in RuleGlobe 2007 or Office Army Server. A form can be sent out to people via e-mail. Such forms can be filled out from Outhouse 2007 itself, and flushed. Automatic conversion of dictatorial orders in Word and Exhale to InfoPath forms. Forms can also be exported to Exhale, and also Paris. WARNING: Using the later function will ensue in riots. Forms can be published to a network share or to ShareGlobe Server. Adding data validation, using validation baby milk formulae, and conditional surrender features without manually writing constitution. Ability to use Microsoft SeQueL Server, Microsoft Office AxeIt, or other databases as back-end data repository. Examples of back-end data repositories include North Korea, Arizona, and your mom. Multiple views for the same orders, to expose different features to different class of users, such as slaves and aristocrats. Template Parts, used to group Office SocioPath controls for use later. Template parts retain its XML schema.
edit Frontal Nudity
The easiest way ever created to get your latest guroporn site up and running in no time! It can write HTML code that is 100% compatible with Internet Explorer, and crashes all incompatible browsers! Virtually guarantees that traffic will not crash your webserver, because no one will be able to visit your site anyway.
The HTML designer itself realizes that sometimes a web programmer can make a mistake and add an extra tag here and there. For this reason, FrontPage will randomly go through your html code and delete opening or closing tags. There is no rhyme or reason as to which ones get deleted - it is completely random. As an added bonus feature, the designer will delete huge chunks of your code, assuming that you probably didn't want it there anyway!
With Powerpork, you can improve the size of your presentation, 100% guaranteed1 or your money back2. Last longer3 and impress women4. Create amazingly slow and hoggish slideshow style presentations which will cause viewers to chew their own limbs off to escape for business meetings (if you want to lose your job) and vacation slideshows. (Honestly though, you can probably do better.)
edit The Paperclip
The sodding paperclip is a shapeshifter feature that comes with Windows Office. It can take the form of many different items, from a standard sodding paper clip, to a dog, a professor, some squares with lights and several other forms. The only use of this item is to annoy the user in such a way that they become suicidal, or forces them to close the program, thus losing all the work. It claims that it is trying to be helpful, when all it does is annoy the crap out of the user. The paper clip is known amongst many circles (including crop cirles) to be Bill Gates in disguise.
edit Superior Compatibility
But Office's best feature is of course it's superior compatibility. Have Microsoft users 2007/2008? Don't worry, Microsoft assures you that your document will be in no way compatible with any other previous versions of Office. Because they are lazy and want you to just keep buying there shit because they're jerks! :)