Microsoft

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Did you mean Heaven?

“..I cant wait until the finished version is released!”

~ Guy after buying Windows Vista

“..more bugs than a Chinese restaurant.”

~ Captain Obvious on Windows Vista

“If you play the Windows Vista CD backwards, it plays a satanic message.”

~ Satan

“It plays a satanic message if you play it backwards? That's nothing! If you play it forwards it installs Windows.”

~ Steve Jobs

“It tends to glitch more often than it's competitors.”

~ Captain Understatement on Windows Vista

“I wonder if grammar check would have caught that....”

~ Colonel iPod "White Screen of Death" Touch

Note: Oscar Wilde don't have a quote on this article because Bill Gates hates him and caused his Windows to have BSoD using his 1337 powers, or he might have broken his leg.

Micro$$$oft, also known as Microshit and "more evil than Satan himself", and formerly known as Mike-Rowe-Soft, inspired by disciplined structure of a old crow's nest, is a former world domination axed company that now produces nerve cell destroying software. According to Andy Braiterman (Bill Gates' college roommate), Microsoft is "An obvious copy of Macrohard, which Bill Gates stole the disk of while I was sleeping. He also copied my program Doors, and renamed it Windows." The destruction first targets the occipital lobe part of the brain, causing you to not see the various crashes and bugs in the system and only see a fake view of a effective computer. sorry you have a virus.... again! you can't this bit

Contents 1 History 2 Errors 3 Operating System Versions 4 The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software 5 Name 6 Cars 7 Myths 8 The Great War of 2012 9 Working for Microsoft 10 Products 10.1 Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including: 10.2 Products currently in development: 11 See also 12 Notes and references

[edit] History

Microsoft was founded in 1 BCE (within the release of Windows BC) by a couple of nerdy (really nerdy) Greek gods who couldn't. In 1974, Bill Gates became the emperor of after his splendid initiation ceremony. Since 1995, Microsoft has re-released Windows BC under newer and fancier names on prime years.

Prediction

Nostradamus predicted that Windows will appear.^[1] Here is the prediction:

“I see bugs, many bugs, A LOT OF BUGS, CAN'T LOOK ANY MORE!!!”

~ Nostradamus

This was the last prediction of Nostradamus. After seeing all the bugs in Windows, Negrodamus suffered total brain injury and crashed.

New technologies

First success

After a bit of researching for porn and drinking vodka with cocaine they had some ideas:

• Smash the computer technology

Using the newest bugs and errors, Windows Vista can now anger anyone. Even a peaceful Buddhist. Welsh conspiracy theorist Aled Jones has asserted that this anger inducing quality is a ploy by which Microsoft aims to create a private army that will finally enable it to dominate all space and time.

• Errors with built-in bugs

Some errors can't be generated because of bugs in the annoying core function in Windows. "These problems will be solved in this millennium," officials say.

• RSoD

RSoD

RSoD is the ultimate punishment for starting Windows Vista. It is more likely to appear if you use Windows XP. This is because the kernel of Windows Vista is made to become a cataclysmically bugged-in combination with a more stable Windows. If you get this, you are totally screwed and should hang yourself immediately.

[edit] Errors

Dedicated to Tara Newmark Errors have evolved over the years and are appreciated by many critics.

As you see in the following error, Windows has no intelligence at all. So don't bother to ask why it's trying to erase your hard drive.

Windows has lost its mind.

Windows knows that its applications damage the computer, so it closes them.

Windows is eager to help you report problems and find solutions to the problems.

The reason "some reason" is in fact the real reason for which the printing failed.

Just for the sake of consistency.

Finally,the system is working!

Windows is trying to tell you that you entered Microsoft Help. So do not explain why it is letting you get a Mac.

That's your problem right there... The boring WGA Notice...

Microsoft software is famously well-thought-out and has few bugs.

[edit] Operating System Versions

Windows has been cremated and reincarnated many times, some of the most noted versions are as follows:

• MS-UNO - the very first OS ever created by Man, entirely written on a piece of parchment.
• Windows 1912 - released in 1912
• MS-DOS - a more refined version of the contained MS-UNO GUI, catering to the people who spend entire millennia in front of a computer screen.

• MS-CUATRO - currently a development version of a virtual reality user interfac

• Windows BC - Used to record the Rise and Decline of Rome. Infamous for GSoD'ing every tablet it came in contact with.
• Windows 3.1 - Look It's All Blue!

• Windows 42 - Just like the original book, it takes seven million years to perform each calculation.

• Windows 89 - Not to be confused with Windows 98, this was the 32 bit prototype for Windows 95. However, back in 1989 someone pointed out to Bill Gates, "But Bill - we can't release it now, as it has tons of bugs in it, and besides, it's not backward compatible with 16-bit machines." So Bill did the responsible thing: he just waited six years for 16 bit machines to become obsolete, and released it anyway. Oh yeah, and in the meantime he solved all the bugs by putting it through extensive research and development.

• Windows 95 - What do you want to stare at today?

• Windows 98 - The only virus you pay to install on your system.

• Windows 2000 - It was made to be just like Windows 2010. Instead, it destroyed three other universes.

• Windows ME - The choice of name is a mystery. Some people have suggested it stands for "More Errors". Uncyclopedia however rejects this possibility, because there is no number larger than infinite.

Also, due to its annoying habit of suddenly crashing, no-one has yet successfully used Windows ME.

• Windows XP - Bill Gates was feeling lonely so he invented an operating system that automatically makes you send him nice messages from time to time (or as they are otherwise known, Error Reports).

An elderly IT tutor at College told me, "It is impossible to get the BSOD on Windows XP or 2000, unless you have been looking at porn sites." Unfortunately he did not explain how this could be possible, or more importantly, which ones.

• Windows Vista- The suckiest version of Windows which is supposed to do tons of groovy things with graphics but does not. Needless to say it is incompatible with most on-board graphics cards. This version offers horrible security, (quality) spyware, 3D, RSoD, trojans and many other great features.

• Windows 7- Another big error, Bill Gates wanted to name that version Windows 666 but bug in MS Word forced him to rename it to Windows 7

• Windows Pain - Yes, quite often.

• Windows 2010 - This OSfudgesiclecrashes. Pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL is rumored to "pwn" the hard drive while turning off the PC. To reboot could have dire consequences for all the dark matter in the universe. Only three copies were ever sold, one to a man named Harry Winkler. He managed to wipe out half of Arizona after he tried to install Microsoft Works.

• Wind0ws n00b - Once installed, it can run one program: "World of Warcraft" it gives you a special ability to PwNzOr big NeWbZ0rZ.

• Windows Fail Edition - The newest OS of Microshit, it causes random system crashes and BSoDs every 10 seconds. Also the main cause of suicide in many countries.

[edit] The WORLD'S BEST graphic editing software

The well known MS Paint has been the best editing software in the history of computer-kind. It was rated by the PCWorld Magazines and the ComputerGeek Incorporated the most useful tool for editing graphics^[3]. Throughout the history and versions of Paint (1.0, 2.0, 3.1, 4.0, 5.1 and 6.0 with version 7 to come), it has been a success knocking off CorelDraw off the market and into the stinking crappy sewage of Hong Kong. It is also worth buying because it doesn't cost anything and comes in Windows. Why is it such a success? Before they sell Paint out to the market Microsoft made a meeting with the CEO, the project of the meeting is to decide the name for the successful graphic editing software currently called "Paint". They started off with, Color, Alps , Van Gogh and ended up with , Photostation, ArtWorkshop and Paint. But guess what, they chose "Paint"!... Then how is it such a success? MS Paint had been used in underground advertising, graphics in Windows Vista, 99% of the images in Google, blockbuster movies such as "The Matrix", drawing mustaches on Queen Elizabeth etc. So you are better off with Paint than any other graphic software such as the fanciness of Adobe Photoshop.'

[edit] Name

There are many different explanations for Microsoft's name. The main explanation is that Bill Gates named it after his dick on a boring Saturday night. It also might have been after Chuck Norris punched Bill Gates in the balls. Or maybe he never did and it was always that way. The world may never know.

[edit] Cars

Micro$oft cars seemed like a good idea, but the prototypes were riddled with problems:

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
• You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.
• Canonical makes a car that's solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only pisses once a day on the Microsoft car.
• The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights were replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
• It may go crazy....only God knows what's going to happen.
• New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.
• The car may restart it self, if this happens you are magically teleported back to the begining of your trip.
• Don't use a iPod or a iPhone in the car, just trust me.
• The airbag would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
• The navigation system has to reboot every time the car is started.
• The car would spontaneously stop responding. To fix it, you would have to close all windows, restart the car and for some unknown reason you would not complain about it.
• Occasionally the car's engine would not start. To fix this problem you would have to disassemble the car and then reassemble it. Then the car's engine would start. You would never have a clue about what the problem was.
• The traffic lines ran away from the car.
• While you are driving the car, it will veer off the road and crash for no apparent reason.
• We'd all have to switch to Micro$oft Gas (tm).
• All the neat useful bits like head lights, accelerator pedal, and paint, would come in an optional 'Plus' pack.

The Microsoft Car will be released very soon (in the year 2140).

[edit] Myths

• Microsoft tests Windows Vista on unsuspecting persons, 83% died.(99% actually died, Captain Oblivious was the only survivor)
• Bill Gates hates British people.
• Vista has snail speed performance, unless its an alienware or a custom build. Then it runs fast as lightning but tends to electrocute more often.
• Bill Gates hates the French because they tried to eat Vista.
• sky.NET was developed to help Microsoft users
• Recently, Microsoft has shown approval of black people. This has caused Microsoft's stocks to drop drastically.
• Mar slander was not lost on mars, it just sits there with a BSOD on the display as parts of the coding was used from some unknown version of MS Windows. Scientist were embarassed to learn that the BSOD happened immediately while it dumped its memory all by itself, leaving itself braindead.
• Microsoft is now taking over the world and killing heavy metal itself. which is why they love Dora Teh Xplora
• Ragman caused Windows XP

[edit] The Great War of 2012

As Bill Gates prepared his army of M$-Robots to invade North Korea, Apple were developing their robots, iClones, and sent them after Microsoft. All hell broke loose with BSoDs flying everywhere and roundhouse kicks in the air. Until after the 6th day of the 6th hour and the 66th minute, Jesus (King of the Grues), started Armageddon reminiscient of a Worms game. There was death all around and only 1 M$-Robot and 1 iClone survived, and they agreed on switching to Linux, and had a happy marriage.

[edit] Working for Microsoft

Getting a job at Microshit is very difficult. To even qualify, you must be a native born, born and raised, and you must be willing to work for no more than $3.00 a day along with talking on a phone. However, sometimes Microshit is generous and will also hire people from Mexico(only if they have swine flu), the Philippines, and many other popular countries where American Jobs are outsourced.

If you are qualified to become an employee for Microsoft, you must pass a very rigorous and dangerous obstacle course. Candidates are sent to Microsoft headquarters to the river Styx in Hell. A round of interviews takes place there, with amazingly hard questions being asked, such as:

• How many billions has Bill Gates spent on charity? 85% of his income. What did charity do in return for this?... You didn't think nerds could lose their virginity on will did you?
• Where do you see Google in 5 years?
• Design the 9 square feet (836127 square millimeter) office you'll have to work on. How would it be different if you were blind? Or deaf? Or mute? What if you didn't have hands? Or feet? What about all of those things together?
• OK remember... you will have only one computer to work on for the rest of your life! Choose an OS:
  • Mac OS X
  • Linux
  • FreeBSD

After all of the written testing, you are then given a DNA test to find out whether or not you are a human. This is to keep away all apples and penguins from working for Microsoft. After that, candidates are hired or not, depending on their luck. If they are hired, Microsoft will provide an extensive package of perks, such as 5% discounts to buy any Microsoft products, one T-shirt and a free DVD from Disney (the free DVD only cost $14.99 with shipping and handling!).

[edit] Products

[edit] Microsoft offers a vast array of product lines, including:

• Nazisoft Vindows NZ-Final Solution Edition
• Microsoft Blue Screen Of Death 2009
• MS Paint
• Microsoft Access
• Microsoft Sinking Navy (MSN)
• Notepad
• WordPad
• MS Calculator
• AIDS
• Microsoft Publisher
• Microsoft Excel
• Microsoft Visual Basic
• Microsoft Visual Studio
• Microsoft Paintcan
• Microsoft Red Ring of Death
• 3D Movie Maker

[edit] Products currently in development:

• Microsoft thaiPod
• Microsoft Longtongue.
• Microsoft Jihad
• Microsoft Works (abandoned after incompatibility in the name)
• Class-5 Hydrogen/Uranium Fission Reactor (only available in Japan and suburbs of Los Angeles)
• Skynet
• Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower V 1.0
• Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower V 2.0
• Windows PlatinumExtrodinarePower X
• Windows WeCantBeBotheredToMakeUpAnyMoreNamesSoThisIsGoodEnough
• Pear Linguini

[edit] See also

• Windows Error
• CTRL-ALT-DEL
• MicroSonyNtendo
• Blue Screen of Death
• The Official Microsoft Blue Screen of Death Game — Ver3
• Evil corporations
• Microsoft Word Paperclip
• Fucking Shit

[edit] Notes and references

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