Mick Jagger
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Mick "David Hasselhoff's Dick Blood" Jagger is a revived ancient mummy recovered in 1897 that looks like a cross between a mosquito and a hairball. He played bassoon in the reggae band The Rolling Stones. He also got robbed on this show that never seems to be on, EVER. He tends to dance around onstage as if he has ants in his pants, or as if he just shat them. Nobody seems to be sure, really.
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[edit] Early Life
Mick Jagger is dead. He was christened Michael Roger Phelps Hussey McFace Face Move-a lot Jagger on June 6th, 1450 BC. He was around when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain. He also claims to have killed the Czar and his ministers. Anastasia was reported to have screamed in vain. (This is all documented in his 1968 bibliography "Sympathy for the Devil".) He met Keith Richards in school and Keith told Mick that he wanted to be a cowboy. Mick was not impressed, but when they met again in 1962, they decided they wanted to create a band called The Crab Grass Station Central Town Box of Dandy Candy Bars. They later changed it to the Rollin' Stones, and then The Stones That Roll, and then The Rolling Stones. So, along came this guy called Brian Jones who was into drugs and playing many instruments, and drugs, and this other guy who never smiled named Bill Wyman who enjoyed the company of underage girls, and-- tight-and-always-feelin'-the-rock-'n'-roll-music! Brian Jones claimed that he was the one who created the band. Fuck you Mongolia
[edit] Contribution to the Stones
Jagger brought a lot to the rock n' roll band. An odd satanic feel, a voice that sounded like a black man for some time, odd costumes, and a friendship with The Beatles. He was friends with John Lennon and they ate noodles together sometimes, and other times sang songs together. When The Stones could not get a hit record, they asked the Beatles for help. "I Wanna Be Your Man" was the song they sang. It was loud, crazy, and better than Ringo Starrfish's version. Mick's singing made girls scream, and sometimes go, 'I'd tap that.' One girl who said that and succeeded, besides all of them, was Marianne Faithfull, a pretty dollface singer who was on the same record label. She and Mick began dating, but he cheated on her with the entire world. Marianne then overdosed on drugs, and Mick wrote 'Wild Horses', except Keith Richards would tell you he wrote it, but he's always on drugs, so you shouldn't trust him. He'll steal your soul for the fun of it, and then break it over the murdered bodies of his thousands of innocent victims.
[edit] Dancing Queen
“It’s no question, really,” Richards commented. “Mick adores launching across the floor on his toes with his catlike female grace. Anyone who’s seen him perform can tell you that.”
“I love pirouettes!” Jagger gushed in an official statement later the same day.
He demonstrated for the reporters, and flew across the room in a flash of gossamer and pantyhose. Indeed, many ballerinas would envy the grace that Jagger displayed on this spring day.
“One could wonder how he manages to stay on-balance, with that giant mouth.” an onlooker observed, frowning as Jagger tore up the floor on his toes.
A reliable source says that Jagger prefers a red-and-black Spanish tutu. His second choice is pastel pink with an Easter bunny across the ass. Unfortunately, those are not easy to find, so when he does find one, he rabidly hoards it using the corpse of Charlie Watts as a guard.
[edit] Murders
There was a string of viscous murders during the late 1970's to which no man has been tied to. It is largely rumored that this was the work of Mick Jagger. The bodies were brutally raped and ravaged many many many times. Thus giving way to the rumors that Mick did it. Mick was tried in court over 300 times but evidence never held up. Mick was quoted saying "Glahara inuot lijosu nyet." No one really knows what this means, Mick was really really high at the time so it is largely assumed that this phrase was just incomprehensible jargon from the dysfunctioning mouth of a baked hippie...but no one knows for sure. He may have been saying something to the effect of "The reason we were all put on this earth is exist. For there is no life without existence. Existence in essence is life." But as I said, no one really knows, but people will insist on spreading these nasty rumors even if he confessed to the budah.
Brian Jones was short of money when he went to Andrew Gool Westham, who managed the band. Andrew decided to give Brian an extra $5 over and above what Mick, Keef, Charlie & Bill were getting. But for this extra $5 dollars Brian had to agree to sign a document for Andrew. On the document was written The Soul Of Brian Jones Belongs To The Bearer of this Document. Throughout the following years Brian tried to buy back this Document from Andrew but he kept putting the price of the Document beyond Brian's reach. Brian began to deteriorate rapidly over the next few years. One evening after he was sacked from the band Andrew came a-calling and he and Brian finally agreed a price for the Document. Andrew tossed the Document into the swimming pool and Brian dove in after it. When he grasped the soaking document and unfurled it he discovered the writing had all disappeared. Shocked and staggered he floated to the bottom of the pool where he was found a few hours later.
[edit] Legacy
Jagger is known for his chicken dancing, and his big lips; like a couch made out of skin. He is also known for having sex with everyone, including your mom, your dad, and Edie Sedgewick and Brian McGregor who is famous for 17 minutes (in your face Andy Warhol!). He even had sex with you once, but you don't remember because he slipped a ruffie in your mouth while you were sleeping. Some say he and David Bowie did it like gangbusters, but that IS NOT TRUE!!! He also had sex with a singer in the musical Hair and Terence Stamp's girlfriend's sister. He married a Mexican once, but she didn't really know how to cook fish. He is currently exploring ways to surgically reconstruct his hymen.
He and the Stones have been on tour for over 5000 years, beating out Little Richard and Ross Perot.
[edit] Personal Life
Mick currently lives somewhere in England or something with his 12 year old girlfriend, Luciana Morad. He has fathered 2078 children (that he knows of), including son Magic Johnson, and daughter Mark Hamill.
