Michigan

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For the University constituting the only part of Michigan left under U.S. control, see University of Michigan.

“Did you know Hell is in Michigan? It's called Detroit!”

~ Oscar Wilde on United States Geography
The current flag of Michigan.
The future flag of Michigan, after the states renaming to Michiganistan or Michi Arabia.

Michigan (pronounced MEEEESH-i-gan, Arabic: الغيتو, Polish: Szówiet Szóczialzist Rzeczpólszka Miszógan, Ebonics: Michigan, gangstuh!) is a small state which is really part of Russia, known for the disappearance of fun. Michigan is renowned for its attempts to challenge Ohio's monopoly on cloud mentioning contests, as well as watching paint dry. Even though Sudan has the biggest lakes in the world, Michigan is surrounded by some that are still pretty good, including the ship-and-airplane-eating Lake Superior. Michigan is America's vital bulwark against armed invasion from Canada, as Canadians are terrified of Detroit.

Residents of Michigan are referred to as "Michiganians," "Michiganites," "Michiganders" (which rightly means "male Michigan geese") or sometimes "Meshigganah." This is a constant source of confusion.

Contents

Geography

Michigan is adjacent to Ohio, Indiana, and Wisconsin. It also borders Illinois, Minnesota, and Ontario across a water boundary.

Michigan is unique in that it has two parts or "peninsulas," not unlike North Korea and South Korea. These two parts are known as the U.P. and the Mitten.

Way up in da U.P., eh?

Let's get this out of the way. The Kingdom of da Yupé is where the Yoopers live. It is only accessible over a toll bridge, known affectionately as the "Big Mac", or "Mackinac Bridge". This is the largest bridge in the world, of its type, excluding a few others. It is thought to be an attractive target for Muslim terrorists, whose set of targets is generally limited to landmarks that would be shown on a diner place mat.

Da Yupé is mostly known for fudge, pasties,[1] and black flies. It experiences all four seasons: "early winter," "winter," "late winter," and "construction." Construction and winter overlap and, together, last about 50 weeks.

You don't need a passport to get to the U.P. Only a visa with a handsome picture of Alexander Hamilton on it, with which to pay the toll. People go deer hunting in the U.P. and return to the L.P. to do real work.

Residents of da Yupé, when you can find them, are fiercely independent, sportsmen, tomboys, and curmudgeons. Unfortunately, consistent with their numbers, they have utterly no political power in the state capitol. Yoopers long to become an independent state called Superior. This is partly because of the Great Lake that borders them to the north, and partly because they are sure it's more noble to be a drunk deer hunter than a cocaine-crazed sniper in Detroit. A State of Superior would be a deserted, primitive place, that suddenly had two U.S. Senators. This would be a source of pride, but it hasn't done Maine much good.

Ernest Hemingway's ghost can sometimes be seen roaming the various curling rinks of upper Michigan, although only Canadians actually know what curling is. Other attractions include snowboarding, snowmobiling, skiing, snow sculpting, ice sculpting, ice skating, ice fishing, deer hunting and eating snow. In fact, the whole state shuts down during "Deer Season," a state holiday which lasts all fall, and continues to be shut down all winter due to a phenomenon known as "Snow Days."

Foreign claims on the U.P., eh?

When Congress considered statehood for Michigan, the U.P. was a contentious issue; several states claimed it, and Canada did as well. Wisconsin held an uprising, under General Brett Favre. They marched to Detroit to conquer the U.P. A battle occurred in which several Packers and many Lions perished. Canada also sent troops in to fight, but they become confused by the 100-yard gridirons. Just when Gen. Favre seemed victorious for Wisconsin, the powerful Dubya came in with an army of Texas Rangers and stopped the fighting. The only remnant of this fighting is that the Central Time Zone still occupies several counties of the western U.P.

The real Michigan

The peninsula that everyone regards as being Michigan is on the near side of the Bridge. Trolls live underneath the bridge and are classified to neither peninsula. The real part of Michigan is shaped like a mitten, with Saginaw Bay as the gap between the thumb and forefinger. The shape of the Lower Peninsula lets residents show where they live by holding up their right hand and pointing to various parts of it. They are all taught to do this in third grade, in lieu of learning civics. Unfortunately, the gesture appears to most out-of-staters merely to have something to do with masturbation.

Yoopers could use their left hand to denote the Upper Peninsula, if they squeeze the fingers together and point the thumb to resemble the Keweenaw Peninsula. But most Yoopers realize the futility of denoting a location in the U.P.; L.P. residents don't give a damn where anything is up there, and fellow Yoopers are not good with directions.

Lower Michigan can be split into 5 sections:

Metropolitan Detroit

Most passenger planes like Northworst Airlines takes a tour of the ruin city of Detroit before landing to DTW.

Detroit and Wayne County comprise white couch potatoes and black welfare cheats. The latter burned down much of the central city in the riots of 1968, and that's where it stands today. This is Whitey's fault, although Detroit has an all-black City Council and a progression of all-black mayors who take office as quickly as the vice squad perp-walks their predecessors from City Hall to the nearby police headquarters on charges of corruption.

Detroit used to be America's automotive capital, until America's $10-per-hour secretaries realized there were alternatives to buying boxy cars slapped together by $80-per-hour union slackers. But executives of the United Auto Workers whose bodies turn up missing can still get expressways named after them as though they were statesmen.

A past Governor of Michigan[2] proposed that the state target robotics manufacturers and bring them to the state for the jobs that the car plants used to provide. Unfortunately, the first local application of robot automation--to convenience-store hold-ups--had disastrous results. The current plan is to replace the lost productivity with three central-city casinos. In theory, they will be a bigger draw than the folksy horse track on the other side of Windsor, and Michigan's wealth will cease bleeding into Canada in the form of $2 bets.

Western Michigan

Western Michigan, typified by the cities of Grand Rapids and Holland, is dominated by the Dutch Reformed Church. Residents believe that mowing your lawn on Sunday is a sin. In the cities, doing so can get you fined. Many McDonald's restaurants are shut tight on Sundays. Many of the surrounding townships still observe alcohol prohibition. Having a beer on your front porch--even if you bought it elsewhere, legally--can result in calls to 911, can put your job at risk, and can get your kids harassed at school.

The Thumb

The plains north of Detroit are just as religious, if less mouthy about it. Local newspapers carry sermons where you expect to read editorials. If you consider the chemical plants dumping into Saginaw Bay as part of the Thumb, you can relate it to Gary, Indiana. Apart from anti-American and anti-Canadian sentiments, the only noted product of the Thumb is Madonna.

Central Michigan

The rest of the southern Lower Peninsula is hay fields and an occasional farm with corn or cows. Stands of trees mostly divide parcels of property. When the leaves are down--which is most of the time--being here is like being permanently inside a film noir, in black-and-white. Lansing is in this region. It is the state capital. Being here is like being permanently inside a gangster movie.

Central Michigan is home to an Interstate highway named I-69. This ramrod-straight thoroughfare droops, once it reaches Lansing, curving eastward to Flint and the border city of Porch Urine. Markers for the notorious I-69 are stolen daily. And no, I-69 does not come close to the town of Climax; nor does it intersect Big Beaver Road, although that road is exit 69 off I-75 (and to make it even more risqué, Big Beaver Road does intersect Mound Road). I-69 has been designated as part of the tri-national NAFTA Expressway, but after entering Canada its designation changes to I-soixante-neuf.

The North Where We Go On Vacation

The northern Lower Peninsula is wooded and has many lakes. Male Michiganders live to travel here during their two weeks a year of vacation. They fish and shoot deer. If the family has womenfolk, they can go to Traverse City to shop at the same stores they have back home. The North does have natives, but they have evolved to blend in with the trees so successfully that tourists from downstate think they are the only humans in the area.

Politics

In the old days of Michigan's legislature, the House was dominated by Detroit, while the Senate was apportioned by land area and represented the interests of farmers and sportsmen. Since the notorious one-man-one-vote decision of the U.S. Supreme Court, both the House and the Senate are dominated by Detroit, sportsmen's interests are not represented at all, and there are no farmers left. The Senate is simply a smaller version of the House, whose members are less likely to bring weapons into the chamber. All the other geographic regions described above are heavily Republican. It doesn't matter.

Apart from the dominant Democratic Party, Michigan's political parties, in order of popularity, are:

Culture and language

The recently renovated Detroit Metro Airport.

Michigan's southern language is a derivative of Standard Midwestern Redneck, while the north speaks Yooperese. The only outlier is Ann Arbor, where they speak Yuppie.

The climate ranges between cloudy and cold depending on the time of the day. Michigan's main exports include snow, bitching about snow, cars that break down after 45,000 miles, and a hate/hate relationship with Canadian trash (technically this is an import).

General Info (should be a box)

Michigan's own intelligence agency similar to the FBI or the CIA called OCP.
  • The only state where it can go from 70 to snowing in a few hours.
  • State Joke: Men Working
  • State income: 7, maybe 8 Beaver Pelts. (And falling)
  • State Motto: "Road Construction Ahead"
  • State Flag: Orange and red in color, reads "Stop" on one side and "Slow" on the other
  • State Animal: Saw Horse
  • State Mineral: Salt
  • State Tree: Orange barrel
  • State Pastime: Geek hunting also harassing people for saying "soda" instead of pop
  • State Food: Buckeyes
  • State Anime: Tenchi Muyo!
  • State Religion: Pastafarian, Islam
  • State Language: English, Arabic, Dairy
  • State Song: Orange Barrels by Heywood Banks
  • State Band: Genesis
  • State Car: If you drive a Toyota we will fucking KILL YOU
  • Exports and Imports: Dairy, Cheese like Wisconsin.

Animals of Michigan

The most common animal in Michigan is the mosquito, followed by black flies, whitetail deer, trout, Humans, and bears. Jackalopes are almost never seen in the wild; instead they are almost exclusively found in bars in da Yupé, and redneck dens. Thus they may be extinct. Wolverines have abandoned Michigan to live in Canada and Wisconsin, they are dead to us.

Common roadkill include the occasional Eskimo, possums, opossums, Raccoons, DNR Officers, Whitetail Deer, Trout, and Bears. Rumors have it that in some parts of the Pinky (in The North Where We Go On Vacation), roadkill includes Cougars. The DNR vehemently denies this, which means they're lying, and would like you to build your million-dollar vacation home on the cougar's house. Humans are the most common type of food eaten by Humans.

Bees are a very common animal in Michigan, that live in urban areas and rural areas in the state of Michigan. Michigan bees include (hornets) and (yellow jacks). Bees have been known to sting innocent Michiganians who done nothing to them. Bees have also been known to build nests on peoples houses in Michigan.

People don't swim in northern Lake Michigan, not only because its cold, but killer orcas (a.k.a killer killer whales) roam the Straights on the constant prowl for human flesh.

Michigan Civil War

Michigan is currently fighting a separatist faction which has taken Mackinac Island, Bois Blanc Island and parts of Cheboygan, and is attempting to form an independent nation.

The Democratic Republic of Mackinac Island (motto: “We have all the fudge you can pack”) receives support from a wealthy and elitist collective known publicly as “assholes from Bay Harbor who think their shit doesn't stink in their 6 million dollar boats” (or, A.B.H.W.T.S.D.S.6.M.D.B.). Both of these groups have come under censure from human rights organizations such as Amnesty International for using Geneva-banned weapons such as tourist traps, and the questionable military tactic of using astronomical price-gouging for cheap, crappy and useless knick-knacks as a part of their campaign for liberation.

The primary opposition to the D.R.M.I are the clannish tribes of inbred redneck trolls which inhabit much of The North Where We Go On Vacation part of Michigan, as well as the entire Kingdom of da "Yoo-Pee". Early clashes have shown a clear advantage in the rednecks' use of mechanized 4-wheelers and snowmobiles over the antiquated 5th Horse and Bicycle Calvary of the DRMI. The source of the current conflict stems from the DRMI and ABH’s inability to Wait In Lines and their pure naked greed in conflict with the rednecks' rich cultural heritage of huntin', fishin', Negro-hatin', and sodomizing squirrels.

The most dangerous animal in Michigan is Jennifer Granholm. Famous for killing children, Granholm slowly sucks the joy and money left in Michigan, and feeds it to the Democrats of Detroit, and Barack Obama. Most people try to take shelter in the west side of the state from her wrath, but she tries to kill her way into highering taxes because Dick Devos invited Bush for lunch.

Michigan History

Originally (500 to 370 million years ago), Michigan was called United Gastropod-Liberian Yooperia, or the UGLY, at least before those pesky trilobites left. The Michigan Sculpture was founded by Detective Mish Higgins in 1932. Michigan was carved by sculptor Alexander Calder (see Grand Rapids) during the Ice Age, and later divided into two halves: da Yupé, ruled by Yoopers, and "Michigan," which lies below the Mackinac Bridge, ruled by trolls. Shortly thereafter, Yoopers invented the pasty.

As the glaciers receded, Michigan became populated by a variety of black flies and wolverines, which mostly survived by eating men alive and licking the salt beneath Michigan's sandy soil.

Around 8004,B.C, an advanced and glorious civilization inhabited Michigan, however almost nothing is known of it as a very short Nuclear war with Atlantis in 8001,B.C, completely destroyed it (and we all know what happened to Atlantis).

In 1622, Michigan was invaded by the French, who turned all the scrap metal in the land into Cadillacs, Pontiacs, Buicks, Peugeots and Renaults. Be warned all these cars have French names and should be avoided. They also misspelled Mackinac, causing people to pronounce it "Mackinack" instead of "Mackinaw." See more at Shicago.

In 1623, the lumber barons of Michigan (the Blodgets and the Butterworths, a.k.a "BlodButts") revolted against the occupying French forces, and turned the French cars into "General Motors" (except for Peugeot and Renault, which thankfully the French took back with them).

In 1689, the above-ground section of the city of Detroit was founded by the eccentric inventor Sanford Ovshinsky. It was originally constructed entirely of abandoned houses and casinos, and promptly set on fire.

In 1760, the 31st French Mime Infantry officially surrendered to the British after an epic battle lasting almost 22 minutes, during which time the mimes slowly pretended to die or caught in existential boxes. In revenge, Chief Pontiac of the Anishinaabe tribe opened a casino, arbitrarily named "The Great Wolf Lodge Victory over Soaring Eagles' Gun Lake Tribe of Potawatomi Indians," and a truck dealership.

In 1783 the Dutch invaded West Michigan from Freeze-land, filling it with Meijers and cable TV superior to that of the Canadians'.

In 1835 the 31st French Mime Infantry (now called the 31st Michigander Redneck Infantry) detonated a thermonuclear bomb over the disputed city of Toledo, awakening the man known as William Howard Taft from his billion-year sleep beneath Lake Eerie. Michigan also became a state of Canada, and later was happy that it didn't keep Toledo. All this was foretold by the prophet Ernest Hemingway. After his prophesies were fulfilled, he was forced to flee to Idaho.

In 1837 the first Governor of Michigan, Paul Bunyan, took office as a Libertarian.

1838: Paul Bunyan and Taft engage in a dogfight over Detroit. Taft entered a rather vicious poodle into the competition against Bunyan's large blue Texan Retriever named "Babe."

In 1880, Detroit Edison invented the electric meter. The next year, it invented the light bulb.

In 1893, Michigan declared war on Wisconsin, because the Governor was pissed and needed someone to declare war on.

In 1925 Henry Ford got to third base with Adolf Hitler, relishing the puny German's squeals of misery and angst.

In 1932, the finest learning institution in the known galaxy was founded. This was then bulldozed to make room for Gogebic Community College.

In 1937 the Troll Rebellion of Midland, Michigan was started, resulting in over 30,000 humans and billy goats being drowned under bridges before the rebel force was turned into pleasant Socialists through a treaty with Canada.

In 1949, the "People of freedom and light" declared war on Michigan, but were wiped out by Ohio on their way there.

In 1959, two Dutch Michiganians started Amway, a company that specialized in making Dutch people rich. After numerous scandals and decades of screwing people over, it changed its name to "Alticor." No one was fooled.

The Summer of Love in 1967 marked the beginning of peace and harmony between all races in the Socialist Republic of Michigan.

In 1974 American President Gerald Ford, founder of Ford Motor Company, infuriated Michiganders by inventing a method of crossing rivers without using bridges. Michigan's economy was devastated by this blow (it has yet to recover).

In 1984, all the Jews were removed from the entire state, and moved to Canada.

In 1986, the United Auto Workers of Michigan declare war on Argentina for assassinating General Motors, their top-ranking military figure.

In 1987, Argentina surrenders and is made a part of Michigan. Renamed South Detroit.

In 1995, Ted Nugent killed all the animals. In 1999, he officially declared war on Canada.

Yesterday, Michigan's black fly population reached critical mass, and it was declared uninhabitable by the Board of Health. Black flies do not count as animals.

Today, the black fly epidemic was expunged by several nuclear bombs being detonated in the upper atmosphere. The Board of Health is testing radiation levels for safety, and will announce soon if the land is habitable.

In 2003, Michigan fell under Communist rule after a military coup lead by Sith Lord Jennifer Granholm.

Also in 2003, the Michigan Ministry of Truth (MMoT) was founded. However, the MMoT, after "searching" Michigan records, found that it was, in fact, founded in 1837.

2003 marks the last time the University of Michigan football team was victorious over their archrival the Ohio State Buckeyes. Things don’t look good anytime soon for the boys in Maze and Blue, after their coach lost the Great Recruiting War over Terrelle Pryor. Some say Coach Jim Tressel owns Michigan, a fact he denies annually each November.

In 2008, the once thought to be extinct Gun Lake Tribe of Potawatomi Indians came up from their underground fortress in Mount Pleasant known as Soaring Eagle and moved north into an essentially black fly dominated town called Standish and began construction on their new casino called Eagles Landing. However, no one really cared due to a massive outbreak of apathy in the town.

In 2011, the citizens of Detroit city had invaded the Upper Peninsula, in attempt to control the bunny-shaped land. Evidence of the leader of this movement are still unknown.

In 2078, Michigan went to war with the people of Earth, but after just one day stopped, saying "it wasn't fun anymore."

In 2113, Michigan secedes from the Union, and establishes the Sovereign Republic of Michigan.

In 2115, the Sovereign Republic of Michigan builds mighty dragon-ships and sails them out through four of the Still Pretty Good Lakes (Huron, Michigan, Superior, and Erie) to achieve its Manifest Destiny of conquering all land adjacent to the Still Pretty Good Lakes. They have to walk through Canada to get to Lake Ontario, the only Still Pretty Good Lake not in Michigan.

Demographics

Michigan is nearly 100% 0% black fly today, but in the 2000 Census things were a little more complex.

  • 101% Survivalist
  • 99% Militia
  • 50% Monkeys
  • 22% Communists
  • 18% White Rapper
  • 1% Wankstas (was closer to 76%, until the Rabid Baptists got hold of them)
  • 5% Yoopers
  • 20% Thugs
  • 5% Criminals
  • 5% Rednecks
  • 64% Wankers
  • 96% Unemployed Drug Dealers
  • 4% Rabid Baptists (mostly centering on Gaylord and are attempting to infect as much of Michigan as possible)
  • 2% Inbreds
  • 10% Assholes with 6 million dollar boats (see Michigan Civil war above)
  • 8% Idiots
  • 5% Drug addicts
  • 7000% Gangstas
  • 227% Obese fatties
  • 62% Laid off workers (and rising)
      • (99.99% of which are all Muslim)

Michigan Cities

The sign showing the 'Highway to Hell', Michigan.
  • Ann Arbor: One of the most liberal places on earth, white dreadlock capital of the Midwest. Has a huge football stadium. Known best for its hippies, football stadium and public radio. Have you heard of it's football stadium?
  • Battle Creek: Named for the constant fighting between the various Breakfast cereal warlord mascots who rule this city, Battle Creek's primary military base has recently been destroyed by Tony the Tiger.
  • Bay City: Widely acknowledged to be the capital of the Thumb. Known for its large population of rednecks, ever-present sugar beet reek, and the prostitute on Trumbull street. Birthplace of Madonna.
  • Birch Run: Wouldn't exist if someone hadn't built an outlet mall here.
  • Cadillac: If you are up north on vacation, Cadillac is where the kids have to go for night life (once they tire of bonfires).
  • Cheboygan: Spelled wrong deliberately, not just to convince barely literate immigrants they were moving to Sheboygan, Wisconsin; compare Zilwaukee.
  • Chelsea: A town west of Ann Arbor where all distances are reckoned from the downtown silos of the famous Jiffy-Mix mills.
  • Dearborn: Formerly named Arabiyyah, highly disputed by Detroit's largest ethnic group, the Bloods, it is Al-Qaeda's North American capital city, also affectionately known as Boaterville. A day in Dearborn begins with heartfelt prayers to Allah, as well as to Osama bin Laden, who is revered by residents as their unquestioned leader. After prayers, it's on to IED bomb making at home with the kids. The rest of the day is usually filled with mass demonstrations against democracy. Nighttime finds families sitting around the TV together, watching that evening's beheadings of infidels. Dearborn holds the distinction of being the only place in the country where Detroiters are afraid to be. As everyone knows, even blacks with guns are no match for Arabs with bombs. Anyone happening to find themselves in Dearborn is recommended to use extreme caution and seek the help of your nearest FBI or Homeland Security agent, of whom there are always a steady stream.
  • Detroit: Pronounced DEE-troit, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. "America's Banana Republic" was originally a complex system of tunnels carved into the salt by subterranean mole people. Later it expanded on to the surface as well. Comprises black people who love stealing stuff from whites (for which it is now necessary to travel to the suburbs). Considered to be the car capital of Earth. Its current chief products are burned-out houses and corrupt mayors.
  • Dexter: The KKK capital of Michigan. The Michigan Militia is somewhere else.
  • Edmore: The famous Flint River is made entirely of stone. It is a den of unparalleled iniquity, and a great place to get shot. Can be considered a mini-version of Detroit. Michael Moore and Bob Eubanks are from around here. Also home of forced labor Kettering University (formerly GMI).
  • Frankenmuth: Frankemuth Michigan is Michigan's "little bavaria". The city is inhabited by hordes of elderly Nazis and Lions Club members. This has sparked confusion because nobody can tell them apart. The city itself is economically important, being the #1 tourist attraction in the state (eat it Mackinaw!), as well as the only city in Michigan to have citizens with jobs. It is also known as the "Sponge of Michigan" because it literally soaks up the last remaining pennies from the surrounding towns. The city also celebrated a new record diversity when its white population dropped to an all time low of 100%.
  • Grand Rapids: The "furniture city," Grand Rapids is populated by a civilization of sentient sofas, love chairs, futons, and armoires. A large weatherball blinks brown to let residents know when the sewage is flowing down. Grand Rapids' population is mostly Dutch, as every other person has "Van something" for a last name. I-196 was signed G R Ford Mem Fwy in honor of the ex-president, until someone suggested it might be polite to wait for him to die first.
  • Hell: One of the most toured cities in Michigan, despite its size of less than 1,000 people. Its mayor is Satan's brother, Dick De Vos. If you're going through this town, keep on going — you might get out before the Devil even knows you're there.
  • Hillsdale: Home of the college of the same name, which proudly refuses federal funding in order to keep itself free to teach that Obama is inserting tracking chips into the buttocks of newborns.
  • Holland: Filled with Dutch protestant people, this chunk of the east was originally flown over in 1843 by lead zeppelins and flying elves. Known for "Tulip Time", a festival in May that celebrates the gay pride of the city (0% last year in public), brings many visitors from the Southern regions of Indiana and Lansing.
  • Houghton: Habitat of the elusive "snow cow".
  • Inkster: Home of Hermann Rorschach.
  • Jackson: Town where the Republican Party was founded, but when they were good y'know?
  • Kalamazoo: "This town is a wind instrument", said the Bureau of Kitsch in 1994. "Fine. If you want to make it into a real sentence, go right ahead". Yet another Michigan "city" populated with white trash, racist hicks! Supposedly was also home to a cat owned by Della and the Dealer and a dog named Jake.
  • Livonia: The whitest city in North America. Best known for its title as the city with the highest percentage of "legally insane" citizens (also referred to as System of a Down fans) in Michigan. Also the only town in Michigan to have two malls close.
  • Mackinac Island: This is Michigan's Alcatraz. No cars are allowed there, no fast-food restaurants there, save for Starbucks. Behind the antique shops, churches, fudge shops, hotels, a future federal prison will be in the middle of the island.
  • Mackinaw City: The liberalized version of Mackinac Island. Settlers who never wanted to follow the amish way of living in the island, hundreds are shunned and exiled to Mackinaw City and live their own lives and enjoy the 20th century lifestyle.
  • Marquette: The largest city in the Yooper kingdom, Marquette was crushed by President William Howard Taft in 1911. The President was later brought down by a swarm of black flies and was last seen sinking in Lake Superior, there to remain until reawakened by some future atomic blast.
  • Midland: Capital of giant plastic novelty trolls and, of course, dioxin and other cancer-causing chemicals.
  • Monroe: aka. "Freak Town". Childhood home of General Lance Armstrong Custard. Once had three drive-in theaters within 1/4 mile of each other.
  • Muskegon: Translated from the Native American language, Muskegon either means "Beer Tent Capital" or "Shit-load of Mosquitoes". The city was founded in the mid-to-late 1800s by the great Charles Darwin impersonator and philanthropist, Charles Darwin Hackley. With unpopular public beaches, an abundance of churches, and unemployment, Muskegon is home to a lot of unmet potential. On the bright side, the league champion Muskegon Fury do give citizens a reason to drink beer and waste away with a smile on their face.
  • Novi: Named after No.VI (the 6th stop) on the mail route way back when and is now home of too much shopping and rich bitches.
  • Nunica: A small town where pottery is made by morbidly gay native Americans who have hardcore buttfucking gay nigger sex with morbidly gay niggers who live in Detroit who come to buy pottery made as phallic symbols.
  • Okemos: Not really a city. just a mall and some sprawl surrounded by a few neighborhoods and a small crossroads with about six left-over 1950s era commercial buildings. The sort of place where people with slightly bigger ugly McMansions get to look down on the nearby people with slightly smaller McMansions in neighboring Haslett. Privileged kids in super nice schools that almost win state championships played against underprivileged kids from other places. Also the setting for the hit Sega Genesis game and TV series, Okémon.
  • Pontiac: Known for recently passing a proposal which fully renews all funds towards teaching dem kids how to be a gangsta, yo!
  • Port Huron: Pronounced "Porch Urine", because the locals get pissed off when people don't say it right. Tommy Edison grew up here, most stuff is named for him or "Blue Water something-or-other." A suburb of larger, richer, Sarnia, Ontario; you'll see more Ontario licence plates in PoHo than Michigander ones, especially with the high Canadian Loonie. Almost impossible to tell Canadians from Americans here since they have the same accent. Blue Water Bridge connects PoHo with its mother city of Sarnia, but very hard to get back across due to too many trucks and not enough Customs officials.
The official airline serving all of Michigan and the Detroit area.
  • Romulus: Also known as Detroit Metro Airport.
  • Potterville: The address to its school is 420 High Street. 'Nuff said.
  • Saginaw: The rival cities of West and East Saginaw merged into a murky swamp and was christened "Sagnasty". The city remains such to this day. Known for the Fort Saginaw Mall, a shopping center which was built by the Vikings in the 1500s and has been abandoned ever since. Another great place to get shot.
  • St. Ignace: A service town just off the Mackinac Bridge.
  • Saugatuck: A lovely resort city situated by the Lake. Their chief products are kitschy art (usually overpriced oil paintings of lighthouses that no one has actually ever purchased), caramel corn, billion dollar yachts that rich Chicagoans sail, and homosexuals who usually have to go to nearby Douglas to reside in.
  • Sault Sainte Marie: Michigan's oldest city, founded by the French just to cheat Canadians out of their money and piss off Stephen Colbert with its unpronounceable name.
  • Sterling Heights: The Sterling Heights Institute of Technology is opening in this town!
  • Southfield: Home to the Northland Center, the first urban mall, which now comprises nothing but athletic shoe stores and a Macy's.
  • Taylor: Famous for being the white trash capital of the Earth. Also famous for the most perverted intersection in earth, Dix and Brest. Kwame Killpatrick was shot down by Jesus at the Taylor Trade Center, before being resurrected and killing several families. He still hides in the store.
  • Traverse City: Largest City in The North Where Fudgies Go on Vacation. Retail companies often open chain stores here despite the population of 2 during the winter.
  • Troy: aka. The Most Boring Place on Earth. 'nuff said. Yup, this is where Big Beaver Road is at. They've got a mall, but it only sells socks for $500 a pair.
  • Warren: Also known as "Fortress Warren" due to the heavily armed population of Polacks, Dagos and Ukies. The city is known primarily as a town where working class kids grow up, and get into arguments with their Polack, Dago, or Ukie parents. Also home of brain zapping technology Macomb Mathematics Science Technology Center.
One of the famous landmark that you could visit in Michigan.
  • Ypsilanti: Yet another city that no one knows how to pronounce. Ypsilanti is where rich white kids from Ann Arbor go to die when mommy and daddy cut them off. It is famous for having a water tower that was shaped after the penis of the first president of the USA, George Washington Carver. Co-eds are told the tower will crumble if any virgins remain after Homecoming. Never happened yet!
  • Zilwaukee: They really named it that so people would mistake it for Milwaukee. Home of a constantly crumbling bridge over the Saginaw River that's about twice as high as it is long.

Famous Michiganders/Michiganians/Wolverines

References

  1. ↑ These pasties (pronounced "PASS-tees") are meat turnovers, not to be confused with the nipple-covers for strippers.
  2. ↑ This would be John Engler. This innovative, libertarian Republican ex-governor would be U.S. President today, except that (1) no one wants to listen to him, and (2) no one wants to look at him.
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