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“Look in my man drawer whenever you like, sweetie.”
“This is MICHAEL MCINTYRE!”
Michael William Wallace Mao McIntyre is the funniest man ever to walk the Earth, no shit. But he's not Hugo Chavez.
Michael had a lonely childhood. Born in England to a Scotsman and a Chinese woman, he burst out of his mother saying that it was nice to finally put a name to a face and performing a Jules Holland impersonation, promptly causing his mother, father and the assembled doctors and nurses to die of suffocation from laughter. Blessed with keen intelligence, Michael quickly mastered the English language and learned the function of a car, a map and a passport. Now parentless, he procured a plane to Korfu where grew up amidst the Greeks but causing many of his teenage sweethearts to die of suffocation from laughter as he related the details of airport terminals. Realising that he had a talent for comedy, he began performing stand-up in order to earn money but became wanted for murder when many of his audience died of similar causes to his parents and girlfriends.
Now fleeing from the law and simultaneously discovering that skipping whilst flinging one's arms backwards and forwards enables one to travel faster than the speed of light, Michael returned to England where he attended Oxford, developing the poshest imaginable accent. His hair had been rendered permanently standing on end from the terror of fleeing for his life from Greece where murder still carries the death penalty. As a result of his loneliness, he also took to drink and started getting Gazeeboed on a regular basis, becoming something of an alcoholic. His tendency to get Paninied is a habit that he has retained throughout his life though he never drinks Chinzano for unknown reasons. Being too bungalowed to attend his lectures, he taught himself basic life-skills such as measuring and radiator bleeding. Expelled from Oxbridge for his hedonism and lack of work as well as his unfortunate tendency to get Trampolined in public, Michael moved into an attic in London where using money saved up from his stand-up comedy routines, he procured a jacuzzi and a champagne bar where he liked to get totally carparked while earning money from his landlord by bleeding radiators and measuring and also pretending to be mute so that his landlord would not die from one of his fatally funny jokes. Discovering that English people are made of sterner stuff than the Scots, the Chinese and the Greeks, Michael returned to comedy where he performed in front of people with very strong stomachs, with only minor casualties.
Michael's wobbly hair combined with his posh, high-pitched voice and fat-Gok Wan lookalike appearance made him an instant success with the British people but despite his hilarious comedic abilities, the dour English found his jokes only mildly amusing. Nevertheless, his comedy routines were sufficiently successful to make him fabulously wealthy and he was also invited to appear on shows about things which he knew absolutely nothing about, such as X-Factor and The Apprentice, just because his very presence can make people smile (except Alan Sugar). As a result of his enormous wealth, Michael now hosts his comedy roadshow in which he hires third-rate comedians to do all the work for him while he sits backstage having a drink and getting fucking pyjamad while vast audiences pour in to see him and he collects the money at the end of the day.
While touring in Glasgow, Michael began making fun of the Scottish which only Scottish people are allowed to do. Unfortunately due to his posh accent, Chinese heritage and camp mannerisms, the Scottish didn't believe him when he said that he was Scottish himself and promptly chased him offstage brandishing axes and yelling "YEHRA BASTARRRD!" Fortunately Michael had drunk half a litre of coffee and this combined with his skip-run tactic which enabled him to escape the Greeks, allowed him to narrowly escape his pursuers. Members of the mob that night were later found having died from a series of joke-related injuries.
In London, Michael met the woman who was to become his wife, Kitty Ward, the sister of that girl who was in Young Sherlock Holmes. As a result of her sister being shot by Moriarty, Kitty had little to no sense of humour and thus was able to spend time with Michael twenty four seven without succumbing to internal hemorrhaging from his innate hilarity. Kitty and Michael are now happily married with two children, Lucas and the Neo-Nazi, Oscar (no relation). The Clan McIntyre frequently holiday in Korfu as it was the place Michael grew up and the Greeks have notoriously short memories which is why despite having produced Aristotle, they're now a dictatorship.
Kitty's still not allowed in the attic though.