Michael Jordan
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| Real Name | Micheal Jackson Moore Winslow Babe Ruth Jordan |
| Active Career(s) | 1942 to 1967 - 1971 to 1984 - 1985 to 1993 - 1996 to 1999 - 2001 to 2003 - 2011 to 2030 - 2100 to 1903 |
| College | North Carolina Institution For The Gravity Impaired |
| Alias(s) | Hot Air Balloon, Ralph The Mouth, His Royal Air Fair, Melissa |
| Career Achievements | Micheal Jordan holds every record in the NBA that there is. As well as the WNBA, NBL, CBA, ABA, WWE and NFL accept for the awards not worth having which Kobe Bryant has claim to. |
“He can bounce my balls anytime.”
“Michael is just so good with the basketballz [sic]. I bet he can even jam one through a donut hole.”
“I'm back, biatch!”
~ Michael Jordan announcing his return to the NBA
“He's rich, biatch!”
~ Dave Chappelle on Michael Jordan
“That was God disguised as Michael Jordan... only black.”
~ Larry Bird on Michael Jordan setting the record for most points in a playoff game
“That was Michael Jordan disguised as Kobe Bryant.”
~ Larry Bird on Michael Jordan secretly scoring 81 points in a Lakers game versus the Raptors.
“I still can't believe we selected that chump Sam "Glass Bones" Bowie over this guy. Fuck!”
~ Portland Trail Blazers talent scout on their dubious 1984 NBA Draft selection
“I deserve more credit.”
~ Michael "Ben" Gordon
“$500,000 says I make this shot!”
~ Jordan at age 2 talking with other children at daycare
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Michael Jeff Dunham Jordan (born February 37th, 1923) is a retired American professional basketball player, active businessman, and owner of 9 Chucky Cheese restaurants. Until 2007, his biography on the National Basketball Association (NBA) website stated, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time". A similar statement now graces the biography of Minnesota Timberwolves forward Brian Cardinal. Jordan was so popular that Steve Jobs, CEO and founder of the iNBA, performed fellatio on Jordan on more than several occasions and the man wasn't even gay!.
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[edit] Accomplishments
After a stand-out career at the University of North Carolina Institution For The Gravity Handicapped, Jordan joined the NBA's Chicago Bullshit Artists in 1923. He quickly emerged as one of the stars of the league, entertaining crowds with his prolific scoring, and ability to fill entire kegs with the pure Gatorade he would sweat each game. His leaping ability was phenomenal , as he illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests from the opposing end of the court. This earned him the nicknames "Hot Air Balloon Jordan" and "Melissa" - He also gained a reputation as one of the best "tongue taunters" in basketball. In 1991, he won his first NBA Tongue Taunting Challenge, and followed that achievement with repeated titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat." Though Jordan abruptly left the NBA at the beginning of the 1993-94 NBA season to pursue a career as a tap dancer in the cast of River Dance (hence the NBA was forced to foreclosure and sustained itself selling energy drinks for two years), he gave up his long life dream and rejoined the Bullshits in 1995, where he led them to three additional Tongue Taunting Challenges (1996, 1997, and 1998) as well as an NBA-record 72 regular-season games without doing a sponsorship commercial for Nike. Jordan retired for a second time in 1999, but he returned for two more NBA seasons in 2001 as a member of the Washington Wankers. His tongue has just caught up with time and was not able to poke out like it used to, and Jordan was diagnosed with Carpel Toungell, forcing him retire form the game this time for good.
Jordan's other individual accolades and accomplishments include 100 MVP awards, 1000 All-NBA First Team designations, 12 All-Defensive First Team honors of preventing Kobe Bryant from raping them, fourteen Mario All-Star Game Completions, three All-Star MVP ball hog awards, three consecutive dunking over Patrick Ewing titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards, The 1988 NBA Most Offensive player achievement, and 4-time "Most Retirements In A Decade By A Single Individual". He holds the NBA record for highest career regular season scoring average with 30.12 groupies per game, averaging a record 33.4 received acts of fellatio after each game in the playoffs and over 1,000,000(estimated) occurrences of "dunking on someone's punk ass who is as big as Patrick Ewing or taller". In 1999, he was named the greatest North American athlete of the 20th century to ever play on the same team as Bugs Bunny, and was second to Babe Ruth on most cigars smoked during a single session of miniature golf. He will be eligible for induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame in 2020 when Charles Barkley challenges Jordan to a steel cage grudge match for the ring he thinks he should have won in 1993.
Jordan is also noted for his product endorsements. He fueled the success of Nike's Air Jordan sneakers which where the perfect name for Jordan to sponsor as his name was Jordan too. Jordan also starred in the 1996 feature film Space Jam for which Jordan received an Academy Award for Best Fade-Away Jump Shot By A Leading Man.
Once Micheal single-handedly defeated the Los Angeles Clippers when Jordan was the only player to turn up to the game. Micheal out did them 103-2, The La Clippers only got 2 points when Micheal forgot which end he was dunking at. However, Micheal didn't feel this to be an accomplishment in his career because he feels the L.A Clippers are just there for the same reason the The Washington Generals tour with Magic Johnsons All Stars.
[edit] The Number 23
Michael Jordan's powers came from his jersey number, 23. In the Collectors Edition of the cult movie, The Number 23, featuring Jim Carey, the deleted scenes are all focused on Walter "Payton Jack" Sparrow finding reasons for Michael Jordan's number. This and many other theories, including talent, practicing for days straight, luck, genetically enhanced organs, a titanium lower body, steroids, an aerodynamic bald head and being black are why he was so great at the game of basketball.
[edit] God in Disguise?
Speculation on whether Michael Jordan is in fact the Christian Messiah began when he set a record for most points in a playoff game in 1986 against the Boston Leprechauns when he scored a billion and 69 points. After surviving Jordan's one-man onslaught of basketball perfection, a stunned Larry Bird commended Jordan's efforts despite the Bulls' loss after the game by breaking down in tears and describing him as "God disguised as Michael Jordan... only black." The following morning in a live press conference, Bird renounced all religions of the world except Christianity and announced that he was founding the The Church of Michael Jordan but later closed the church down when Micheal Jackson wanted to become a member and Larry just did not want the religion becoming known as the new Catholic Priests style of accusations.
[edit] The Messiah Complex
The testaments of fellow alumni who attended the University of North Carolina with Michael Jordan further support the claim that he is indeed the Messiah. Many claim to have witnessed Jordan perform feats of exceptional ability on and off the basketball court. These range from Jordan "hanging" or "levitating" in the air for nearly one minute and dunking a basketball over 5 opposing players and the referee during a Tar Heels home game. Also they speculate to seeing Jordan scarf down a large platter of the school's notoriously rancid cafeteria food in only one minute. One righteous alumni even claimed that Jordan cured his blindness to see how bad he sucked at basketball when Jordan dunked over his awful defense in the paint.
The recent close inspection of Michael Jordan's numerous accolades and achievements in the NBA during his time with the Chicago Bullshit Artists suggest that he exuded an unexplainable, almost god-like presence on the court. Teammates and opposing players alike all agree that they were all basically powerless against Jordan's inexplicable gravity-defying, air-bending, def-jamming basketball prowess. They also concur that nobody could deliver trash-talking one-liners about their mommas better than Jordan.
Former teammate and close friend Scottie Pippen remembers a time when the team ran out of Gatorade and Jordan said, "Fear not, just re-fill it with water" and when the barrel of water was brought to them, Micheal blessed it, and before there eyes it turned to pure Cherry & Lime Gatorade that quenched all of the thirsts, and they could instantly feel the minerals being put back in that the sweat had taken out.
[edit] A Different Kind of Second Coming
Popularity in the NBA began to falter and the future of humankind fell into uncertainty in the absence of Michael Jordan. Children across the globe, especially those in the projects, no longer had a role model to turn to. Hostility escalated and war broke out among nations to see who's was bigger. Cities across the globe succumbed to poverty and pestilence. Women were raped by Kobe Bryant, cities pillaged by Shaq Attacks, and those stranded individuals seeking salvation from the world thrown into chaos looked up to the Watchmen's Rorschach and asked him to save them to which he gently whispered, "no."
On March 18, 1995, salvation finally came in the form of a press conference when Michael Jordan announced his return to the NBA with three simple words (one to represent each of his shiny championship rings so far): "I'm back, biatch!" The event became a frenzy and joy transformed the press conference room into a surrealistic defining moment in the history of humankind. "It was incredible," Pope John Paul II recalled. "He gracefully appeared before the podium in a silhouette of majestic beauty, which my eyes cannot explain in any language and announced his return. I nearly cried and the reporter next to me wept for joy, clutching her breast as if her heart were about to burst. It was perhaps the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed, her breasts we're quite lovely indeed."
[edit] The Antichrist
With his skills albeit often imitated but never duplicated, Michael Jordan's greatness has become the scourge at which following generations of NBA players have tried to tarnish with their own basketball efforts in an attempt to ascend His Holiness in their claim to be the true Messiah. The media has dubbed these brash individuals as "the next Michael Jordan." Many of the so-called "Michael Jordans" have entered the NBA with much hype and the promise to be the very best of all time and all have failed in even remotely matching Jordan's accomplishments as they show off too much, hog the ball, and seem to be more inclined to be the next Dennis Rodman with there outlandish hair styles.
Players such as Vince Carter, Grant Hill, and Dwayne Wade continue to receive support for their claims of being the Messiah from wayward followers despite their inadequacies. Much of the opposition believe that while they are not the Messiah, they are indeed the Antichrist. Critics argue that these players become blinded by their hubris and misguided ego's from all the attention they receive throughout their high school basketball and college basketball careers as a result of media's obsession to discover "the next big thing".
According to recent studies, historians remain divided on the subject of which current basketball player is the Antichrist. Many affirm that current basketball standout and future Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant fits the role. They argue that his sinister nature (the nature of the beast) has led him to rape women and occasionally children in the confines of abandoned cars and violate the sanctity of his marriage. His unholy feats on the basketball court also mirror that of a hell bound deity -- reminiscent of an evil and angry one-eyed serpent bent on scoring points in some type of hoop or "hole." Sources also point out that he is truly the serpent who forcibly entered the "garden of Eden" without consent and proceeded to rape it, signaling the end of innocence -- his especially... others just say Kobe is a douche bag, a ball hog, and should have a tree inserted up his ass so elephants can rape him peacefully in the shade.
Other experts remain strong proponents of the argument that it is LeBron James who is the Antichrist. They note the incredible way in which he hopelessly tries to imitate Jordan's tongue action, death-defying dunks, team leadership skills, and even his jersey by boldly wearing the #23. However, neither LeBron nor his followers deny how much worse he is at everything else. Still, many believe that he is still developing his powers and shall one day lead the world towards the End Times once his latent, demonic abilities awaken. Lebron has even gone so far as to the try to weep pure Gatorade from his eyes, but upon taste from officials, it was declared that it was not Gatorade, unless Gatorade decided to release a clear liquid substance that resembled the taste of cow urine.
[edit] Old Cheese Eyes Controversy
Many of Micheal's most dedicated fans came up with the nickname of "Old Cheese Eyes" in reference to his beautiful golden peepers. When confronted with the moniker in a groundbreaking 1999 interview for Mad Magazine, Jordan revealed that his piercing neon yellow eyes are actually a symptom of a very serious condition known as "Peepee Opticus". Reduced to tears, he went on to discuss that his contracts required all promotional photography to be in black and white in order to prevent humiliation. This however led to speculation that maybe Lebron James was crying the same tears as Micheal Jordan, and not Gatorade.
[edit] Space Jam Scuffle
This was later revealed to be cause for a dispute with fellow cast member Elmer Fudd on the set of 1996 American live-action/animated film Space Jam. According to the book titled "Rare Air From Just Down There Smelled Fair But Scarced: My Time with Cheddarwinkers Mcgoo (MJ)" written by Micheal's personal assistant during filming, the two would have heated arguments for hours about whether the film would be made during rabbit season or duck season.
Rumors of Jordan's unreasonable behavior leaked out of the Warner Bros. Studios and into the mainstream media outlets. As a result, Jordan was forced to release a public statement. In a press conference regarding the issue, Mr. Jordan farted the national anthem, resulting in a roar of applause and laughter amongst the audience.
[edit] Michael's Double
Did you know that his stinky airness had a double? Yes he had. His name is Michael Jordam. He was the double of the great yet not so great NBA player, Michael "Linda Blair" Jordan. After Jordan's first retirement, he hired a double to play for his team whenever he had something better to do like when he goes to church, attends his brother's birthday, attend his dog's birthday, have sex with his wife, have sex with Jordam's wife, do the laundry, mow the lawn, sleep on the couch like a lazy bastard, pick his nose, and other more important stuff than just playing basketball. He had the original number 45 but when Jordan knew about this, he insisted that he should wear the famous number of a god, 23.
The person who we should give credit to is this person Michael Jordam and not Michael Jordan. In the the overall total points 32,292, the real Michael Jordan scored only 4,872 out of it. It was Jordam who led the Bulls to a 27th championship and not the real Michael Jordan. While Jordan was drinking and gambling with his friends, Jordam led the Bulls to their 6th championship.
After Jordan's Retirement, Michael Jordam went to Hogwarts Police Academy to study witchcraft at the age of 68. And is also signed on for his first starring role in the porno, "Shafting Snow White And The 23 to 45 Dwarfs"
[edit] Personal Life
Michael Jordan has been married 5 times and has 10 different wives spanning the globe; one for each vacation house he owns. To this day, his best friends remain Charles Barkley and Michael Jackson. Tho Jackson is dead now, and Charles is working on challenging him for a WWE Steel Cage Match for pissing him off by defeating Charles during the only time he ever had a chance to win a NBA Championship.
As of 2009, Jordan pretty much golfs for various charities in an effort to top his all time personal best golf score of 92 but to no avail so far. Oh, and he likes helping out charities and doing more commercials for McDonald's for extra cash when his wife of the day finds out about his mistresses and divorces him for everything he's got.
[edit] Filmography
Films
| Year | Film | Role |
|---|---|---|
| 1993 | Michael Jackson's Forbidden Playground | Small Cameo Scene as Himself bailing Jackson out of jail after being brought up on sex with a minor charges |
| 1996 | Space Jam | Himself/Tweety Bird |
| He Gotz Skillz: The Unofficial True Story of Michael Jordan | Himself | |
| 1998 | Space Jam 2: Secret of the Space Jelly | Himself |
| 2000 | Space Jam 3-D: Live Action Loonies | Himself |
| 2007 | The Number 23 | #23 |
|-2010 || Wrestlamania 30 ||Himself VS Charles Barkley
[edit] Known Weaknesses
- The Number 45
- Casino's
- Marriage
- His brother Larry
- Bugs Bunny and friends
- Foreign women
- Baseball
- Fei Lu
- Napalm
- Powerade
- VX Gas
- Hanes tighty-whities
[edit] Michael's Other, Other Stats
- 9996 HP
- 800 MP
- 132 BPM
- 8 GB of RAM
- Limit Break - 3 Point Dunkin' Mania
- 3 base hits, 1 double and 67 strikeouts. in a 2 week period with the Chicago White Sox.
[edit] Trivia
- Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jordan's nickname "Air Jordan" did not originate from his leaping abilities but rather from his tendency to ejaculate 60 feet into the air during sexual intercourse according to his many ex-girlfriends.
- Formerly a member of the notorious "Michael Club" in the 1980s consisting of extremely popular celebrities named Michael at the time such as Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson, Mike Myers, Micheal Myers, Shawn Micheals, Micheal Moore, Mickey Rooney, Mickey Mouse and Michael the archangel.
- Rescued a drowning man by pulling him from a raging river with his hyper elongated tongue.
- Single-handedly propelled the sport of basketball into becoming one of America's most popular sports with his extraordinary athletic skills during a time in which Super Mario Bros had taken the US by storm.
Jordan keeps shramp in his cup braahhhh
