Michael Jordan
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“He's sexy.”
“He's good at basketball.”
“I deserve more credit.”
~ Michael "Ben" Gordon
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Michael Jeffrey Jordan (born February 17, 1963) is a retired American professional basketball player and active businessman. His biography on the National Basketball Association (NBA) website states, "By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time." Jordan was so popular that Steve Jobs, CEO and founder of the iNBA, performed fellatio on Jordan on more than one occasion. Studies show that Steve was frequently making "private" visits to him at the University of North Carolina... Making Steve his "Tarheel".
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[edit] Accomplishments
After a stand-out career at the University of Meat wrangling corn fielders at Chapel Hill, Jordan joined the NBA's Chicago Bulls in 1984. He quickly emerged as one of the stars of the league, entertaining crowds with his prolific scoring, and general bad-assery. His leaping ability, illustrated by performing slam dunks from the free throw line at Slam Dunk Contests, earned him the nicknames "Air Jordan" and "His Airness." He also gained a reputation as one of the best "tongue taunters" in basketball. In 1991, he won his first NBA Tongue Taunting Challenge, and followed that achievement with titles in 1992 and 1993, securing a "three-peat." Though Jordan abruptly left the NBA at the beginning of the 1993-94 NBA season to pursue a career in baseball, he rejoined the Bulls in 1995 and led them to three additional Tongue Taunting Challenges (1996, 1997, and 1998) as well as an NBA-record 72 regular-season wins in the 1995–96 season. Jordan retired for a second time in 1999, but he returned for two more NBA seasons in 2001 as a member of the Washington Wizards. Jordan retired yet another time in 2001 only to return in the year 2045 as Commander Jordan of the Eurasian Air Force. Sadly, he was unable to secure any further Tongue Taunting Challenge trophies. The war had permanently damaged his organ.
Jordan's other individual accolades and accomplishments include five MVP awards, ten All-NBA First Team designations, nine All-Defensive First Team honors, fourteen NBA All-Star Game appearances and three All-Star MVP, ten scoring titles, three steals titles, six NBA Finals MVP awards,1988 NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, and 15-time "League's Most Bad-Assedest". He holds the NBA record for highest career regular season scoring average with 30.12 points per game, averaging a record 33.4 points per game in the playoffs and over 1,000,000(estimated) occurrences of "dunking on someone's punk ass". In 1999, he was named the greatest North American athlete of the 20th century by ESPN, and was second to Babe Ruth on the Associated Press's list of athletes of the century. He will be eligible for induction into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2009 although he was unofficially given a spot in the Hall the minute he laced up his Nike's for the Bulls in 1984.
Jordan is also noted for his product endorsements. He fueled the success of Nike's Air Jordan sneakers, which were introduced in 1985 and remain popular today. Jordan also starred in the 1996 feature film Space Jam for which Jordan received an Academy Award for Best Fadaway Jumper(male).
Michael Jordan is generally credited with making the first controlled, powered, heavier-than-air flight on December 17, 1903. In the two years afterward, he developed his flying machine into the world's first practical airplane, along with many other aviation milestones. In 1991 he received the Nobel Prize in Aviation for his ground breaking discoveries in "tongue-aided levitation".
Once single-handedly defeated the New Jersey Nets in a game during the 1992-93 season in a game of one on five by a score of 121-83. (Note: Jordan was in the New York area shooting a commercial and the rest of the Bulls were grounded in Chicago by a blizzard. During the 4th quarter, all 12 Nets players, the ball boys, cheerleaders, coaches, announcers and all 10 Nets fans were allowed to play the final two minutes of the game for New Jersey.)
[edit] The number 23
Michael Jordan's powers came from his jersey number, 23. In the Collectors Edition of the cult movie, The Number 23, featuring Danny Huston, the deleted scenes are all focused on Walter "Payton Jack" Sparrow finding reasons for Michael Jordan's number. This and many other theories, including talent, practicing for days straight, luck, genetically enhanced organs, a titanium lower body, a bald head and being black are why he was so great at the game of basketball.
Alternative Theory: A sample of Jordan's sweat that dripped from the bottom of his shoe as he soared through the air was extracted from Patrick Ewing's fro in 1995. Analysis of this sample shows that Jordan is possibly from the planet Kargon, a planet more than 23 billion light years from Earth on which all of it inhabitants have a career average of 30 ppg in professional basketball leagues throughout the universe.
Hollywood True Stroy It is said that the reason Michael wore the number 23 is because there wasn't enough space for the number of the beast... which Michael was, in fact, a beast. Studies have shown that he is not human. His parents simply found him in an abandoned church and adopted him.
[edit] Old Cheese Eyes Controversy
Many of Michael's most dedicated fans came up with the nickname of "Old Cheese Eyes" in reference to his beautiful golden peepers. When confronted with the moniker in a groundbreaking 1999 interview for Highlights Magazine, Jordan revealed that his piercing neon yellow eyes are actually a symptom of a very serious condition known as "Peepee Opticus". Reduced to tears, he went on to discuss that his contracts required all promotional photography to be in black and white in order to prevent humiliation.
[edit] Space Jam Scuffle
This was later revealed to be cause for a dispute with fellow cast member Daffy Duck on the set of 1996 American live-action/animated film Space Jam. According to the book titled "The Pledge of Yellowagience: My Time with Cheddarwinkers Mcgoo" written by Michael's personal assistant during filming, the two would have heated arguments for hours about whether the film would be made publicly available in color.
Rumors of Jordan's unreasonable behavior leaked out of the Warner Bros. Studios and into the mainstream media outlets. As a result, Jordan was forced to release a public statement. In a press conference regarding the issue, Mr. Jordan farted the national anthem, resulting in a roar of applause and laughter amongst the audience.
[edit] Michael's double
Did you know that his airness had a double? Yes he had. His name is Michael Jordan. He was the double of the great yet not so great NBA player, Michael "Air" Jordan. After Jordan's first retirement, he hired a double to play for his team whenever he had something better to do like when he goes to church, attends his brother's birthday, attend his dog's birthday, have sex with his wife, have sex with Jordam's wife, do the laundry, mow the lawn, sleep on the couch like a lazy bastard and other more important stuff than just playing basketball in a league that is dominated by black people. He had the original number 45 but when Jordan knew about this, he insisted that he should wear the famous number of a god, 23.
The person who we should give credit to is this person Michael Jordam and not Michael Jordan. In the the overall total points 32,292, the real Michael Jordan scored only 4,872 out of it. It was Jordam who led the Bulls to a 27th championship and not the real Michael Jordan. While Jordan was drinking and gambling with his friends, Jordam led the Bulls to their 6th championship.
After Jordan's Retirement, Michael Jordan went to Hogwarts to study witchcraft at the age of 68. He hasn't been set yet, excluding his first starring role in the porno, Shafting for 23.
[edit] Weaknesses
- Himself
- The Number 45
- Marriage
- Dairy Products
- Pokémon
- His brother
- Bugs Bunny and friends
- Karl Malone
- Vacuum Cleaners
- Baseball
- Your Mom
- Fei Lu
- Napalm
- Powerade
- Psoriasis
- Mickey Rooney
- Saag
[edit] Michael's Other, Other Stats
- 9996 HP
- 800 MP
- 132 BPM
- Limit Break - 3 Point Dunkin' Mania
- 3 base hits, 1 double and 67 strikeouts. in a 2 week period with the Chicago White Sox.
