From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Yes we... could, possibly, if the need arises
|Birth Date:||May 12, 1947 (Age 67)|
|Birth Place:||Toronto, Canada|
|Party:||Liberal Party of Canada|
|Spouse:||Susan Barrowclough (1977-1997)|
|Zsuzsanna Zsohar (1999-present)|
|Alma Mater:||University of Toronto|
|University of Oxford|
|King's College, Cambridge|
“Some newspapers don’t reflect his best qualities. Which is better than all mirrors, which I doubt reflect any.”
“The Liberal Party of Canada's foundation is its ethical beliefs. Everyone involved with this Party is quite liberal in regard to ethics.”
“This guy is an idiot.”
Michael (Iggie) Ignatieff is an industrious propagandist, a pseudo-intellectual academic, the leader of the largest organized crime gang in Canada, and one of the most well-respected citizens in the country. Using his ties to the Russian KGB to build a career, Iggie has worked in the UK and America, acting as a journalist for the BBC and as a professor at Harvard. While his journalism career was filled with his being tossed around in positions than a contortionist whore, with his background and charming good looks, he found success in the largely cosmetic environment of academia. As a professor at Harvard, an independent assessment organization gave Ignatieff good reviews on his teaching ability, scoring him above average on the dimensions of average clarity (3.5/5), average easiness (2.8/5), and average helpfulness (3.4/5).
edit The Flight that Night
As the carriages came through the pass, the castle came into view. Silhouetted against the moonlight, the spires cut the air alongside the jagged mountain peaks. From the vantage of the pass, one could romance in the beauty of the night, the landscape awash in the golden glow of the moon, the valleys seas of velvety blackness. The steeds drew the carriages up to the castle facade; the guests were greeted by an old man who motioned them in with his right hand with a courtly gesture, saying, "Welcome to the house! Enter freely and of your own will!"
The interior was brightly lit, and the guests swarmed together on the ground floor. Inside, the party was full of energy as people mingled and danced. However, this energy seemingly escaped as a large pair of doors yawned open high atop the main staircase in the hall. In came Count George Ignatieff, who welcomed his guests with a buoyant speech. He appeared charming and capable, but upon close review, was deemed unworthy of the vast respect he adorned. It seemed that, while capable, he could easily have been switched with any ordinary man of professional qualification: a professor, a writer, any skilled man who lacked the wealth. Even this specific party, where everyone could be considered to be equal, only the richest men could ever have. If everyone inside wanted to be placed on level ground, how could he retain so much support within? And what would such inequality mean for the country?
The revolutionaries outside could wonder the same thing. Such problems weighed on them before. How could they ever breach the walls of this residence? The castle was soundly built, with all the stability of the family's financial position. It was as strong as their grip on society, and as enormous as their individual potentials. Only together could the people hope to disrupt the party, and as they rallied at the large main doors, the barrier failed under their collective weight, winning them access to the inside.
“In Tsarist Russia, poor oppress you!”
The Count was the first to stand in opposition to the mass. In his throneroom he met with the people's champion to settle the war in a duel. This champion, forever the saviour of the poor and the punished, would stop at nothing to kill, torture, and enslave hundreds of Russia's bourgeois. In an epic battle, this man managed to slaughter the Count. The remaining Ignatieffs withdrew, fleeing to Canada to regroup, swearing that their bloodline would forever stand to protect the populace from this terrifying slayer. Historians have pieced together the findings from the desolate castle, and created a model of the encounter. Recently, it has been digitally remastered and made available for public viewing.
edit Position, Prestige, and Power(s)
Having fled their Motherland, the family settled across the enormous ocean, providing the Count's grandson, Michael Ignatieff, with his beginnings in Canada. Born into such a powerful family, he was raised in the ways of the Ignatieffs, and taught the methods in which they preserve themselves. The young Michael was trained as a fraud and a liar; he was trained to be aggressive and ruthless in the pursuit of power. Of course, with such an stance, he was called many things: cold-blooded, Machiavellian, and even a horrible bloodsucking monster. But it was not the chatter of the few that concerned him; there were so many strangers with opinions untainted by such gossip. The Ignatieffs could march through the towns, heads held high, if it were not for the 4-foot high Michael stumbling a few paces behind, out of breath. They wondered if he would ever be suitable to lead; his parents hesitating, looking back with a scowl at this incapable, oft-inept young man, with tears in his eyes, begging his mother for help. How could the boy could possibly survive life in Canada? The country is built upon the idea of merit dictating position; could he regain his position at this level of society? Few have ever known a person able to climb such heights. Well, maybe the young Michael Ignatieff has hereditary talents -- he has taken many forms...
|Position:||Leader of the Opposition|
|Likes:||Gun Control, Propaganda|
|Dislikes:||Armed and Aggressive Poor|
|Preceeded By:||Stephane Dion|
Fake, and developed at outrageous expense in order to present the proper image, Mr. Ignatieff is the Liberal party’s artificial lake. Far from the hustle and bustle, and uncontaminated by the trash, Iggie maintains a pristine natural image. Of course, you won't succeed in politics by exposing yourself, but Ignatieff lies far more remote than most people care for. This separation could be fine; it ensures most never see the man or hear of him, what you get of him has been filtered by his communications team. Yet it is what the man Michael Ignatieff is known to be: a professionally designed construction who didn't come back for you, excessively hyped and lacking depth.
Occasionally, this character is presented in isolation to small groups of Canadians, because it is not only Ignatieff that preys on the poor, the pathetic, and the downright stupid. It is also the Liberal Party of Canada, like television news and magazines such as Macleans, that are interested in such circulation. These people are brought close to the Liberals, because their hope is that with such intimate associations, they will bind these people to them forever.
Which could, perhaps, be the ideal campaign strategy if it proves to be successful. Even with complete control of the censorship of these meetings, Ignatieff never really looks very good on camera. Prancing around with geriatrics in a dance at an old folk's home makes him look about as fake as a Mona Lisa done in finger paint. Listening to an heir promote the advantages of Canadian life: a level playing field and equal opportunity, must have been more tiring than a Wheel of Fortune marathon and aquarobics session combined. He comes across as such a prick sometimes – the only time I've ever babbled on about equal opportunity was during a game of Mario Kart when I'd taken a commanding lead. I suppose it's sad that even with a group of rich kids working for someone with 20 years experience in journalism and a dozen books the Liberals still demonstrate ineptitude in their communications – watching that nursing home square dance I saw Iggie deliver his very best spin. 
Still, Ignatieff is supported by many people. These are a moral people, a people with strong beliefs in liberalism and equality, a people who deserve the very best. And who could be better than an Ignatieff? With the unique advantages he has inherited, he is one of the few who could be placed into such a significant political position. No longer a shut-away historical researcher, advancing knowledge in the hallowed halls of academic institutions, he takes the stage as a man set to advance a nation. He serves now as an image of Canada to the outside world, an immortal face both cheaper than Rushmore and less pretentious than the Lincoln monument. And for those who strive to be more, the achievers who mastered their art in order to find a better place in the world, he promises rewards. Through regulation, maneuvering, and expanding markets in life sciences and clean tech, they will give these masters of the system positions as cogs in the machine of business enterprise. Such talented Canadians will likely find their new places here, ever growing more aware that to be remembered by history one does not necessarily need to be a good student of it.
Upper Canada College, December 1987
|Likes:||Falling Short of Expectations|
|Preceeded By:||Flappers, Beatniks|
|Succeeded By:||Punks, Geeks|
Maybe from small origins truly can come great things. On a cool, dark night at a rural hospital, a child is born. A wild flow of rain from the clouds coats the building in a liquid shell. The pressure of the atmosphere in the east rises, and the outside air rips across the exterior, carrying with it a rampaging mob of dirt and fallen leaves. However, between the walls, nature is subdued. Bright lights blast the interior with artificial light, and under a team of nurses and physicians lies Ignatieff's mother. She screams and she reels as the medical team remain steadfast by her side, tending to her pain as the bolts of lightning strike down around the building. Outside, people are frightened and frantically searching for shelter, but there, inside the facility, people are insulated from the impotent acts of a raging God.
This boy was enrolled in an elite school for his education. Cold and isolated, Michael Ignatieff wandered about the campus alone during his spare time. The boy could never get along with the other students, and many were concerned about his future. The staff at Upper Canada College were eager to move him along with the other children in his year, relating that, "I wouldn't want to mess with that family," and, "I think most people were scared to cross him." And so, Ignatieff got through school contrary to his relentless desire to fail. Though attending a school that offered a fantastic variety of sporting programs and academic subjects, Iggie maintained a firm resolve to be noteworthy in none of them. Yet after a dismal 4 years, after graduation Iggie was offered a university placement, a Ph.D., a professorship, and a senior research fellowship. Iggie nearly managed to evade success by giving up this career in research for one in journalism, but he was plagued by job offers typically inaccessible to regular people, like news anchor positions at major networks. It seemed he couldn’t escape success; universities were throwing job offers at him like Tories throw rocks at the poor.
|Likes:|| Russian Security, |
|Preceeded By:||Aldrich Ames|
edit SpyInfiltrating western society to create a system of human networks to filter information back to the east is no simple task, but Ignatieff was sent anyway. A staunch republican, Michael had always strived to sway audiences to the right, and with a position secured at Harvard, he could easily poison the minds of his students and colleagues with his masterful rhetoric (or millions of dollars).primate. His colleagues lauded him as a phenomenal professor, as his students were immersed in human rights rhetoric to supplement their outstanding knowledge of the basics like "An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations," "Leviathan," and "Blood and Belonging." He switched gears and transferred into politics, because like most educated people who are incapable of doing research work, he understood only the political, and not the science. Later moving back north into Canada, Ignatieff's riches and red tie made him the perfect candidate for leader of the Liberal Party.
The career move forced the intelligence centres into moving Ignatieff towards a focus on the most influential networks. The students and professors could relate industry knowledge and personal data for wealthy Americans, but as leader of the opposition, Ignatieff would have access to some of the most powerful men in Canada. These businessmen, politicians, and social leaders would be brought close to Michael, giving him the opportunity to make them his.
“Art begins with abstract decoration, with purely imaginative and pleasurable work dealing with what is unreal and nonexistent.”
Achieving the delicate balance required to work within an opposition group while attaining a competing objective can be difficult, but authorship has schooled Ignatieff in the age-old art of lying. To muddle a group and contain it is rather aggressive, but the general Liberal argument that no man should harm another except in preservation of himself, is open to interpretation. Locke's writings are eloquent and complex, which allows the reader to romance in the beauty of the mind, in a world given freely to man by God, where he can love and he can labour and he can benefit all... It's so wonderful, so much so that Liberal theory has become the new religion, and endorsing it, Machiavellian practice. And while Ignatieff is accused of being an audacious fraud, a treacherous opportunist, and a terrible monster, some remain trapped in the fantasy. They are seduced by Iggie's charming demeanor and invincible status, both of which he has equipped in pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.
edit Mysterynonymous' Journal
As much as an undeserving fiend Ignatieff is, people say this bash is a thing he deserves the least. People have told me, “Mystery, this article is nonsense; you haven't presented this man in the right light.” but I dissent -- this is my interpretation of Ignatieff. The work I've presented, I'm certain, is the cumulative impact of a variety of newsreports: radio broadcasts, television spots, and article clippings; those little things that contain the elements of truth that help us navigate our lives. Maybe I can read into these broadcasts; understand what's happening now, and make plans based on what I can predict. We should all be so lucky to have news broadcasters, so we understand the political battleground that reshapes our beautiful country, and know perfectly well what's going to happen in the future...
Presumable when Jack Lenin reaches Ignatieff in his throne room, he will have first acquired a high-level whip, using it to destroy all nearby candles, harvesting their supplies prior to the encounter. Although flasks of holy water will deal significant damage, it is doubtful they will be used due to their limited range. Crosses adequately affect the beast, and have such a range that they be tossed wildly around the room, dealing damaging blows while still allowing Jack adequate room to avoid the fireballs, and the advantage in battle. But consider that Ignatieff can easily bring forward an assault lawsuit. He'll have $10 million in the bank if not his back pocket.
edit See also
- ↑ "Michael Ignatieff - Harvard Kennedy School of Government" ratemyprofessors.com. Retrieved August 8, 2010.
- ↑ Wherry, Aaron. (2009-05-07) "Mountains of Youth" Macleans. Retrieved September 27, 2010.