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“For the last time, get out of my house!”
“To each according to his needs, from each... actually forget it.”
“Here standeth a man whose name the greatest puns of Arabia could not be made about”
“Thanks to Chessumism, I can now eat free ears wherever I go”
Michael Chessum (1800 BC to 1880 AD) was a leading Marxist revolutionary and founder of Chessumism.
Chessum was first produced in the late 1800s in a steel factory in Sheffield as part of a revolutionary new line. However due to union action he was not produced to the anticipated standard. After the creation of Chessumism in his famous work "Das Chessumal" he spent much of his time establishing Chessumist regimes, eating biscuits, establishing Chessumist regimes, promoting biscuits and establishing Chessumist regimes.
In 1988, Chessum was arrested by The Man (aka The Polis) for his mullet, which was deemed to be an offensive weapon (offensive due to the pornogrpahic photographs sellotaped to the back of his head, and a weapon due to the sword sewn into his fringe). At his trial, he claimed that he needed it in the event of a Chessumist Revoltuion. This did not go down very well with the judge, who sentanced Chessum to three weeks imprisonment. Due to a filing error, he was sent to a female prison, where he met his future wife, Michelle. They married when they left prison and were happily married for four years (and unhappily married for twelve). It was at about this time that Chessum began his long association with a Satanic death cult known as The Brady Bunch
Michael Chessum died three years from now.
Chessum was initially educated at the Cecil Rafftingworth Grammar School For Pale Young Boys, but was expelled soon after enrolling for not being pale enough. Although he vowed vengeance on those who cast him out and remained bitter about the decision for most of his life, the closest he ever came to actually achieving his revenge was murdering four members of the faculty and sacrificing their children unto Zarqon.
He was then refused entry to St. Mary's Convent School in Methil for not being a girl, though he would later claim it was a result of political discrimination due to his budding revolutionary ideals and had nothing to do with his liking for red lederhosen. After six months in a borstal for reasons that remain unclear, Chessum enrolled at the James Gillespie's Grammar School For Boys where he finished his school career. After leaving the school, Michael Chessum went on to write a further Chessumism related work called "Mein Chesspf" which tells of the inordinate struggle that he, Michael Chessum, undertook in order to set up a "Biscuit Fund", in the face of persistent allegations that he was only raising money to finance his memoirs.
Before going on to University College London to study Politics and Brewing, Chessum took a gap year during which he formed a death metal band called The Carpenters (after the pub near UCL where he carried out preparatory studies), with whom he still occasionally records and tours.
His time at UCL was important for Michael Chessum, since it was in those halcyon (whatever ...) days that he met Darth Nigel, who was to prove a great influence on his political thought. It was then that Chessum wrote some of his most important works - both theoretical and musical. He made his breakthrough to international recognition when he told Gabriel Neil, an Estonian folk dancer he met in an Irish pub, about the appalling conditions of biscuit factory workers in Twelveland. It was then that Chessum realised that his future lay in politics, and he wasted not a moment in completing the three remaining years of his course, followed by post-graduate studies and four PhDs to pursue his calling: from that day on he threw himself into his vocation, pausing only to work on a Carpenters record or tour every couple of years and take frequent holidays in Airdrie.
Chessum spent much of his life struggling for Chessumist ideals. Earlier thought focused on calls for "workers control of biscuits", "everything in Latin" and "an end to empire biscuits". Later thought tended to focus on "those damn bourgeouse biscuits".
In his later life, Michael Chessum will become a leading advocate of Turning It Up To Eleven.
Chessum has been criticised for being "closet bourgeousie" and claiming that Jaffa cakes are "real biscuits". However, he has vehemently denied any suggestions of being a closet bourgeoise. Michael Chessum has also criticised him for his constant splitting of the various Chessumist factions, resulting in a lack of general Chessumist progress in recent years.
In 1880, he died as a result of starvation of biscuits. An alternate theory holds that he was killed during a speaking tour of Ireland by being impaled on the giant steel spike on O'Connell Street, which some believe may have been consturcted for just this purpose, since it seems to have no other obvious use. The totally contradictory nature of these theories has proved a problem for historians, some of whom have conjectured that they can only be harmonised if there were two Michael Chessums, or possibly if Michael had an evil/ good twin.
Ideas Of Chessumism That Were Never Acknowledged
- Compulsory serving of asparagus for breakfast.
- The extension of slavery to anyone who doesn't have a knighthood.
- Giving nice presents to Darth Nigel.
- The imprisonment of anyone who has no desire to become Prime Minister.
- The legal attachment of tail lights on cats.
- A ban on inappropriate language (especially references to God) during sexual intercourse.
- A large overcrowded house where every poor person in existence can live.
- Free Edward De Bono books for all schools.
- Instead of imprisonment, the begging and pleading of criminals to commit no further crimes.
- Vogon Poetry for the under fives.
- Horses for corsets.
- A Society where those in abject poverty rule and those rich enough to vote are the proletariat.
- A Spall in the face for people who Misslep.
- Compulsory work for people with no limbs.
- Chessum Physics: One Chessum Physic for each good day of work you do.
- As much turning away as possible from the weak and the weary.