Michael Bolton

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MichaelBolton

He's not showing-off his "manly" chest hair; that zipper was actually broken and Bolton didn't buy a new jacket because he's a cheap bastard

“Michael Bolton can make anything suck...”
~ Butt-head on Michael Bolton
“...except me.”
~ Your mom on Michael Bolton
“Easy for me to live without you!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Bolton

Michael Bolton is an American singer and no talent ass-clown who specialises in bland, insipid and throaty putty-soft rock ballads for middle-aged housewives and the mentally-ill. Despite his name, he has never been to Bolton and if presented with a black pudding would probably sing some dreadful fucking dirge about it whilst looking all earnest in the video.

Musical Career

It is not widely known (due to a cover up in the White House) but Michael was in his time the most dangerous man in the world. It was his plan to bore the entire world into accepting him as supreme leader and he nearly succeeded. He was thwarted by the hairdresser shaving off all his hair which, like Samson, contained all his strength. He now lives in abject poverty in the worst city in the world (Detroit) and it serves him right too. People are still having nightmares.

Only after a significant investigation by the only bloke who thought JFK wasn't a sleazebag, Mr Kevin Costner Stone, was it established that he wasn't working alone and that amongst his evil empire was also, The Cars, Foreigner, Chris Cross and those annoying shitbags who sung "The Final Countdown". They were all executed for crimes against humanity.

Michael Bolton has had an unjustly long career in the music business. He began recording music in the 1970s, sucking all the interest out of songs with his abnormally large, vacuous urethra and then ejaculating a slimy coating of blandness on them that would diminish any human sex drive as soon as the songs started to play.

Michael Bolton missed most of the 1980s due to the unfathomable size of his mullet. That's a shame, he'd have fitted right in. He emerged from behind the hair at the end of the decade to have undeserved success with the astonishing waste of recording studio time that is "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" Bolton has since admitted that the song was about his yearning for crack. He followed this dog-egg up with "How Can We Be Lovers (If We can't Be Friends)?" which he dedicated in the sleeve notes to "the shy girl in my local laundromat". It was revealed later that the girl in question had had a police restraining order put on Bolton after he "constantly" followed her home and sang the song outside her window until her father chased him off with a shotgun. "All I did was help him put his underwear and tight jeans into the washing machine one time" said the girl, who understandably wishes to remain anonymous, "next thing I knew he was following me around with his stupid leather jacket and mullet. You might think that song name is kinda cute but it's a very different story when it's been painted all over your car". Bolton has refused to comment on the issue.

In the 1990s, Bolton released a huge faecal wave of terrible turds of albums which somehow sold in high numbers. These included Tied, Drugged and Ten-bob Sex (1991) - best known for the unsubtle hit single "When a Man Fucks a Woman" - and Timeless: The Classics (1992) his album of cover versions which lead one critic to point out "I suppose it is timeless, in the same way the Rwandan genocide is".

ManFromBolton

The Man from Bolton, he say "Bland". A still from the video for "Can I Touch You There?", not only an appalling music abortion but one of the dodgiest titles ever.

In spite of howls of protest from music lovers and demands that he stop for the love of all currently-worshiped Gods from the United Nations, Bolton continued to foist his syrupy crap on us all. In late 1996 he shat out Coming Down Your Chimney: The Christmas Album which took cheeky, often innuendo-laden Christmas favourites about Santa Claus "giving the wife one" and delivered them in his usual earnest, lozenge-begging style. A bill was put before the British Parliament demanding Christmas be cancelled that year in an effort to stop Bolton but the bill was blocked by menopausal women in the House of Lords.

Most astonishing was Bolton's 1998 album My Passion Wagon which featured the songs Bolton claimed he used "to seduce beautiful ladies into letting me breach their peach" sung by Bolton himself whilst he received oral sex. Rolling Stone's reviewer claimed he had been "physically ill for several days" after having heard "a particularly teppid version of Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" only with the occasional grunt of pleasure from Bolton and a constant slurping sound low in the mix".

Although Bolton's success in this field earned him an honorary position in every mafia there is (and free bukkake), Bolton left the music industry when he discovered that his own musical handiwork had rendered him impotent. This has not diminished his relationship with a Desperate Housewife, whose attraction to his sterling personality remains unabated.

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Myths

It is a common myth that Michael Bolton posses anything that can be remotely considered talent. A common misconception is that his music is something resembling good, when in fact he is "no talent ass clown". The person who has stated this quote would like to remain anonymous for fear that Bolton will see this article, and force him to listen to his music while having a monkey wearing a tu-tu rape him, as the 'musican' has been known to do in the past. One such incident resulted in the recording of the 1994 album "Bongo and the Beet Red Buttocks."

Discography

  • My Hunger (1987)
  • Sole Provider (1989) - a concept album in which Bolton cast himself as a singing shoe shop owner
  • Tied, Drugged and Ten-bob Sex (1991)
  • Timeless: The Classics (1992) - banned in several countries
  • Coming Down Your Chimney: The Christmas Album (1996) - illegal under the Geneva Convention
  • My Passion Wagon (1998)

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