Miami
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“Anyone around here speak any English?”
~ Some random tourist lost in Calle Ocho on Miami
“¿Qué?”
~ Anyone on Calle Ocho on the random tourist
Miami is a major city in Northern Cuba, in the US of A. It is known for it's crack dealers, crack, crack users, crack whores, heroin, cocaine, and Horatio Caine. It is also known for it's filthy sluts and whores, that populate much of the city's nightclub houses. Miami is known as "The City of Bikini Sluts".
The city seems to enjoy lots of Hurricanes. Like, the people there actually seem to enjoy them. In 2004, Miami was not attacked by a single hurricane. Four hurricanes hit the state of Florida that year, but residents of Miami could only sit petulantly as the panhandle got a hurricane, the Tampa Bay area got a hurricane, and the Palm Beach area got two hurricanes. Justifiably, the folks at Miami were right pissed off at God. Miami strectches for miles and miles along the coast of Florida, and there will always be a view of repetitve housing and condos (which are half empty) but they continue to build more, go figure.
Miami, or ASERE-LAND (like now is known) is primarily known for not being Orlando, or for being the Backyard of the country. Miami official Language is Cuban, although Spanish is also spoken but to a lesser degree. Also, it is important to note that South Beach is in the Eastern part of Miami, not in the South.
Miami main free-time activities are: looking at the beach front from your balcony the whole freaking day but not actually going to the beach, trashing about how much you hate this country but won't return to Cuba, sporting yellow teeth, and denying that you are black due to the fact that all Cubans are Spaniard despite of your skin's color.
Miami is also home to such teams as the Wins Against Every Team Except Baltimores in the Playoffs (formerly the Only Wins Against Baltimores) (NFL), the [Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players (Baseball), and the Orland Magics, though there are unconfirmed rumors that there is also a team in Miami called "The Heat" but no one believes it. There are also talks that they will retire Don Johnson's number (the guy from Miami Vice) (NBA).
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[edit] History
[edit] The Golden Years
Miami was created by Humphrey Bogart in the 1920's. Prior to this, the general area was known as "that swamp we dredge to make more farmland." Bogart tricked America into thinking that Miami was a nice place to go for vacations. This image lasted until 1947, when a giant category 5 hurricane came in and killed everyone, teaching them a valuable lesson: "name your college football team the 'Hurricanes.'" In the intervening years between Miami's destruction and rebirth, a new city would be formed just North of Miami, which was named after this hurricane: Ft. Lauderdale. Miami won the "most overrated city award" in 2005, and continues to adapt the name "City of Bikini Sluts"
[edit] The Gold Paint And Plastic Years
Miami was re-built in 1984, following the simultaneous realization of hundreds of thousands of baby-boomers that "cold weather sucks". Re-founded by Antonio Montana, the new Miami since it's birth has been a thriving city for cocaine, heroin, Cubans and Puerto Ricans, topless bitches at nightclubs, and the hottest gay men in the country.
[edit] Famous Locals
Such famous locals to come out of Miami include Shaquille O'Neal, Tiger Woods, G-Dep, Carmen Electra, Elektra, Daredevil, the 50 Foot Woman, and the city's local mayor, Lance Vance, and about anyone who's famous in Cuba, including Fidel Castro, his dog, and his nana.
[edit] Politics
Miami's mayor is Some Cuban, whose name no one realy remembers but rythms with Yuliesky and it is run by Other Cuban. The city was also featured in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, only it wasn't Miami, it was San Andreas.
[edit] Police
All you have to do, to become a policeman is to be born to Cuban Parents.
[edit] Crime
If you cause trouble, like harassing locals, you will get One Star above your head and the police will chase after you for like, a minute or two. If you cause more trouble, like kill someone, you will get Two Stars. The police will not stop chasing you unless you spray paint your car or something. If you keep causing trouble (like killing people or blowing shit up) your stars will eventually keep rising. At Three Stars, police choppers will chase you and make bad comments regarding your wardrobe. At Four Stars, the FBI chase you because they don't have anything else better to do. At Five Stars, they send Robocop after you! And at Six Stars, the Army chases you, although it's only the Canadian Army. Eventually, they may shoot you and you may end up WASTED, which is a Game Over.
Miami is also full of dangerous hookers and prostitutes, who pack concealed firearms in their cleavage, and actually try to shoot you just because you want to punch them in the face or smack them around or abuse them a little or something.
[edit] Neighborhoods
Such MiAMi neighborhoods include:
- Little Havana: smells like baby chonga and old people.
- Coral Gables: riiiiiicccchhh people $$$
- Doral: lol, the wanna-be rich people. They're all rude ass Venezuelans.
- Little Haiti: Black people straight off the boat.
- Hialeah: SOSOSOSOSO cuban. Get the coffee, Cuban style idiot.
- Kendall: traffic traffic traffic. Columbians
- Dolphin Mall: where all of the chongas go to repopulate the city
- South Beach: nudity, drugs, liquor, nudity, a beach...i think, nudity and some more drugs.
- Westchester: Everybody has or does fucking live here.
- Downtown: Full of potheads, homeless panhandlers, and rich kids. And ofcourse, the baby chongas
- Opa-Locka: The Taliban's backup city
- Liberty City: Yo bitch, you ain't puttin' out! I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya!
- Overtown: heroin, crack, hoes, open air drug bazzarr
[edit] Sports
- Wins Against Every Team Except Baltimores in the Playoffs - NFL Team - Current record is can't win the games that matter.
- Wins The World Series and then Sells Their Good Players, 90% of the time, all the time - Baseball Team - Current record is 50-50.
- Orlando Magics - NBA Team Current record is: 60 times better than ""The Heat".
- Who are they again? - NHL Team - The team no one ever remembers.
- The Miami Hurricanes. 10 % of our taxes.
[edit] Fame
See, Scarface.
[edit] Local Heroes
Scarface, Dwayne Wade (who happens to be the ONLY Miami Heat player, soon to be arch nemesis of Wayne Huyzinga), pan handler with sign "let me borrow your car next weekend"
[edit] Media Coverage
Miami will host the 2010 Olympics. London just doesn't know it yet.
Telemundo is a major TV channel used by the most CUBANEST CUBANS, also known as Lo' CUBANAZO !!!!!! to especulate about Fidel Castros' Dead, talk about cuban Shyt no one cares about, and Air The most ridiculously cubanest TV prorangrans National wide.
