Mexico

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"Der Aztek Großdeutschesreich"
¡¡Majesterium of the Mexikan Empirium!!
Federative Defense Industry Consortium of the Imperial Crown of Pemex-Tenochtitlan of His Majesty Felipe Calderons Military Federation of the Mexican Anime Fanboy Nationalized Emo Republican Peoples Non-Democratic Corporate Manufacturing Factory State
Mexico
Mexico police state flag %Aztekflag
Flag Coat of Arms
Anthem: "Jose Can You See";"Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo
INewGreatMexicanReichMaP
Capital Mexico City, also known as Tenochdtitlänn, Nacotitlan, Tikal, Chilangolandia, Guachilandia, and Perth Amboy
Largest city Taco Bell
Official language(s) Aztek, Mexican, one version of Spanish, Spanich, Spanglish and Nahuatl
Government Two presidents at the same time, one pseudo-Communist government, the other under direct orders from George W. Bush Sarah Palin and Benedict XVI. Also Nationalist facism and a glue stick.
‑ President Felipe Calderón
‑ Vice President Mr. Burrito
National Hero(es) Subcomandante Marcos, El Peje, El Tigre Zorro, Capulina, Luis Miguel, Chabelo, Cornholio and Pancho Villa
Declaration
 of Independence
From Spain: 1610
From USA: 1500
From Soccer: Never
Currency Peso, Dollar, Marijuana
Religion Catolicism, Burritoism, Tacoism, Drugism, Illegalism, Landmowerism
Population 0 (they all keep coming into Americ)
Ethnic groups 2% Mexicans, 12% Indigenous, 65% Guatemalan, 41% El Salvadoran, 37% Honduran, 1% 18yr olds who cross over to get wasted, and are soon-to-be permanent Mexicans in a Mexican prison.
“Police State? Bah! Lieutenant Ortiz, arrest this man and have him shot!”
~ A Mexican government official on freedom of speech
“ I will check your passport...there, welcome to Mexico.... Although, between you and me, I would have also accepted a bribe.”
~ A Mexican customs official

Mexico was is a European nation that is commonly known for being that rampant world of corruption and repression, as well as being the pee stain on the worlds jockstrap. It is bordered on the north by good ol' Ameriker, and to the south by some shithole. It is composed of 31 states, although this is disputed by some Americans who claim that only America can have states. Mexico was originally populated by Native American Aztecs and Mayans who were conquered and converted to Christianity by the Spaniards. In 1821, after deciding that the Spaniards sucked, Mexico revolted and gained independence.

History

The Aztec Empire

Xiuhcoatl

The Holy Fire Dragon Xiuhcoatl out for a morning stroll. Worshipped by the Aztec he was a master chess player and classical music composer. Sadly he died of a severe case of siphilis after a one night stand with Donald duck.

Quetzalcoatl

Quetzalcoatl also spelled Kedtsahlkohachtl, or kdshtrahrvxfwlhrxgzvkrskdpfhr.
Translated into English means "Freaky fucking weird ass snake demon rape thingy"

The Aztec were the first to use high tech weaponry. 'Az' was the Aztec word for 'high', and since they were a race of giants they called themselves Az-techs. Their empire reached its peak during World War II, in which the Aztec stormed the beaches at the Battle of Galapagos, breaking the Inca control on the region.

The Az-techs had a variety of weapons, and the most famous was a mind-controlled electromagnetic experimental unit. Their most feared weapon was a robotic eagle, eating snakes and cacti. Unfortunately the Spanish carried computer viruses, damaging the Az-tech systems.

Another example of Az-tech weaponry, were their super heavy proton cannons, which were so heavy, it took the combined power of 2 ants to move it across battlefields. They fired extremely dense beams of protons at their enemies but were finally considered obsolete due to the shortage of ants to move them.

The Aztec also used a highly accurate calendar. Since they were not aware of time zones however, the Aztec calendar is completely useless today. Eccept when paranoid people want somethig to rant on about, like in 2040 there will be a giant alien that god created called Niubriu and he will eat Heaven Earth and Hell.

The Aztec are perhaps best known for human sacrifice which, as new archaeological evidence suggests, they never practiced. It is most likely that the Spanish conquistadors, who saw blood splattered on walls everywhere, were not aware they were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after successful heart removal. Even today some tourists mistakenly believe they visit Aztec temples while they are actually visiting Aztec hospitals. Indeed, the Mayo clinic derives its name from the Mayan Indians who learned about open heart surgery from the Aztec.

Furthermore the Aztec had a remarkably well organized ambulance system. Despite the lack of politicians and the Internet, carriers managed to carry ill patients from Huitzilopochtli to Tlaxcatlan Hospital in less than three hours. It is said that the Aztec High-Priest Ahuizotl personally healed 80.000 ill patients during the inauguration of Monctezuma in 1487, when he should have been initiating a war against Singapore.

In short, Aztec were cute, cuddly, soft spoken and damn good at crossword puzzles and cross stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture would still be with us today if it hadn't been for those meany Europeans, sickening the native population with colourfully animated, yet ultimately boring, speeches about burning in hell and Jesus and pot-bellied elephants and so on and so forth.

Aztec microsoft

Bill Gates announces the release of Windows Vista before being torn to pieces.

The most famous sport for the Aztec was called "Hechtol Neotyl" or "Little Whining Calf With A Shriveled Rectum". Not much is known about the ancient sport, but it is said they played the game for weeks on end. The rules were simple, no sexual intercourse with the "tight" calf, and no Escalades. The goal was to pick up the calf, hurl it onto your back, then run down field trying to get the calf to puke. If it did, the victorious team would then proceed to rip out the rectum and smack the opposing team with it. While simultaneously being barraged by the rotting, bloody, shriveled rectum, they would try to grab the rectum back, if anyone puked on either team, that man would then get his rectum torn from underneath and the other team members would receive it to continue smacking others in the face. The rectum-less man would then be eliminated and the game continued until all players from one team were rectum-less. To decide which team would carry the calf down-field first they decided to kill a slave girl and guess what color blood would spill. A popular guess was red.

Many Aztec are still alive today, surviving undercover as normal people across the world. The Aztec discovered the secret of immortality, and in order to protect the secret, faked the destruction of their own empire. A remnant of the old Aztec Empire still exists today, spear-headed by none other than Bill Gates, the last king of the Aztec Empire. The new Aztec Empire is named Im~Ake~T~Hin~Gsthatsux, also known as Microsoft in the English language.

European Intervention

Aztec spanish fight

The Aztec response to Spanish colonization of Mexico is still used today as a prime example of diplomacy at work.

Mexico was discovered for the very first time by the Viking Maciek in the 15th Century, but he needed to leave in order to go to the final concert of Metallurgica. Then, the Spanish rediscovered it when they found a highly advanced society of humans who had merely stumbled upon the land accidentally. As such, they executed, enslaved, and poisoned them until they managed to take over.

Soon, Mexican culture began to form out of a mix of the Spanish and the natives, by taking the very worst of both worlds and putting them together into an incoherent society. From Spain, they took Bull running, in which Bulls are angered and then forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling. The Day of the Dead was also taken from Spain, where the dead are dug up and forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling.

From the Maya, a tendency to leave one's country was inherited and is still seen to this day. From the Aztec, a unique tradition of violence was kept in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military junta's and hostile takeovers that would plague the country for much of its history.

Independence

On May 5th, 1810, Mexico declared itself independent from the Spanish empire. Spain quickly retaliated, by sinking the Mayo, Mexico's only ship. This day is commemorated as 'sink'o de Mayo' day.

In Monterrey, the 'Taco Bell' was first raised into the bell tower at Taco Hall to mark Mexico's independence. The clearly visible crack in the bell is a result cheap Chinese slave labor labor. Due to this, the bell inspires pride and patriotism throughout Mexico to this day.

First Mexican Empire

Not that interesting, lets' move on...

Second Mexican Empire

MaximilianoVsJuarez

The battle for the throne of the Mexican Empire as depicted in the popular SEGA Genesis game.

In 1864 Napoleon III thought that he could set up an empire in Mexico so he sent his vast armies into mexico who were than defeated by starving farmers armed with pitch forks and rocks once again proving french military supremcy. It all came down to a supreme battle between Emperor Maximillian and Benito Juarez. Emperor Maximilian used a sword and Benito Juarez had him shot with a 12-man firing squad.

Maximilian was aided by conservatives (Read: Rich folk and rich clergy). Fortunatley for the country's sake, these people were vanquished, and they never, ever gained enough power to take over and screw up the country more again...

...OK, let's carry on.

Turbulent Times

In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Speedy Gonzales, a famous mexican criminal, stole approximately 6 Million Worthlos, or 50 Dollars, from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancun, and Toluca. Unsuccessful and often humorous attempts were led by President Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone to capture Speedy, all resulting in failure.

In 1972, a massive grass roots campaign was led to elect Pedro as the write in candidate. Pedro was entirely unknown, but nonetheless won the election. Quickly he captured Speedy Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico.

Pedro's Mexico

After the popular capture of the criminal Speedy Gonzales, Mexico fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned. Pedro's weak rule allowed for the country to fall into further decadence.

However, where the government failed, the citizenry excelled. Two Mexican patriots, El Mariachi and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly made battle against Mexican drug lords, and the crime network of El Santo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico.

This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away and was succeeded by Antonio Banderas. Banderas eliminated the vigilantes within months.

Pedro continued to do nothing as President, until in the 1990's he co-founded NAFTA.

“It isn't that we don't have jobs in our beloved nation, it's our job to be here!”
~ Encover Agent Juan on NAFTA

The Narcocracy

!0mexicantank

Mexico, one of the few places where it wouldn't be considered weird to see one of these on your front lawn.

In recent years, Narco Cocaine has become a leading politician in northern Mexico, with the general idea of keeping the northern part of the country safe and sound. To attract tourists to some of Mexico's finest spots, like Ciudad Juarez, Mr. Cocaine has taken to staging fights at the O.K. Corral, one of the local gathering places. The cowboys are really named Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp, and they use real bullets and real guns, too, so people have to sign a disclaimer before visiting the fights. Actually, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long ago, they used fake toy guns instead. The shootouts have become quite popular with cops and soldiers, although the amount of whiskey drunk by everyone in the town saloon has made for an aromatic river of piss. Narco Cocaine attributes his success to having successfully channeled Pancho Villa at a fiesta.

Government

Mordor

The Mexican Capital building. A Pemex refinery can be seen in the background producing perfectly safe amounts of pollution skittles.

Mad fat kid

Typical Mexican politician.

The current Mexican government is the deranged crack-child of the Mexican revolution and well... uh Mexican people. In 1910 Venustiano Carranza got together with the most educated politicians in Mexico which happend to be the dug up corpses of dead aztec leaders (were actually still smarter even though they were dead) to draft plans of a new democratic government with blackjack and hookers actually forget about the democracy. The first Mexican congress aproved the new constitution in 1912 and the mexican people were for the time satisfied until they realised that the constitution had no economic regulations whatsoever and to make matters worse the hookers turned out to be giant pumpkins with holes drilled into them, they were then defecated upon and declared witches. In 1999 the Mexican government was bought out by Telmex which began to privatize every single thing in the country including human souls most of which were bought by the newly formed corporation Soulmex soon every thing in the country was turned in to a private corporation with the suffix "MEX" added to the end of it including the country it self which is now known as Mexmex.

Cuisene

Mexican food typicaly consists of various sticks rocks and gravel. Food from Mexico tends to be very hot due to the countries close proximity to hell

Economy

MEXICANBUSINESSMAN

The Mexican businessman, truly the most frightening creature on earth. He survives by consuming failing American corporations. In completely unrelated news have you checked your General Motors stock lately?

000000ogo20pemex

¡OBEDEZCA! Unknown to many the red drop on the pemex logo is actualy a droplet of oil worker's blood.

Mexican Economy

This graph shows just how tremendously diversified the Mexican economy is!

The Mexican economy is really top tier, the country has been systematically pillaged and plundered for 70+ years and counting, and still provides for us all! The Mexican economy generates yearly more than 2 trillion dollars, of which 70% is devoted to paying politician's salaries, 0.1% is devoted to paying the quesadilla makers, 0.89% goes to the biker mice from mars of and 0.01% is spread amongst the needy population. The rest of the money goes for Carlos slim. Milton Friedman repeatedly expressed his bemusement at the Mexican economy's functionality and dynamic pace, claiming that he'd "...never seen something that's as fucked up as that and still works with a certain degree of normality!!

Mexico is, of course, a rich country...and less than 10% of its citizens are lucky, lucky enough to enjoy it!

However, Mexico has found an important calling in moving Cocaine and Weed from their points of origin to the flabby fat-clogged, drugged-up, crack-addicted hands of stupid ass americans and all gringos should be glad.


The Emo Scourge

Mexican Emos

Ai ai ai ! Muchos Emos !

Valdez Tanque Modelo 20301

The Mexican governments response to the massive emo infestation

On September 4, 2007 the Mexico City board of shopping and commerce authorized the building of Mexicos largest Hot Topic store in a mall off the main street. Within the first two days of the store opening, My Chemical Romance CD sales had tripled throughout the capital city and the suicide rate had increased from a rate of 3 per day to 497. At first the politicians in Mexico were happy about this as this meant less children would be in school so less government funding would go to schools and more would be going into there salaries so they could get more blowjo... er i mean donate the money to those in need. For a while it went well, the politicians were getting head and the government was getting rich from the taxes on all the Happy Tree Friends merchandise, but the good times were not to last.... At first it began with simple conflicts between the emos and punks/Metalheads/Wahteverheads. The latter were groups of young men with political ideas who sought to eradicate the socioeconomic problems that had plagued the country for decades...and did this by ganging up in dozens to brutally beat a single skinny boy. Their leader was a Polish-Mexican VJ named Douchekoff Douchewalski, a man whose name obviosuly denotes his positive qualities and sharp social conscience. But then these conflicts tuned into riots and the military had to be called in (this part is true, look it up). Now the military was already upset because the had get up early to get to the riots on time and were made even angrier by the fact that the were missing Boston Legal and they couldn't get their newfangled tivo to record it. So they took their frustration ot on both the Emos and Punks while the punks fought back.

Military

Galvan Galvan

Defense Minister Galvan shall crush all enimies of the republic.

Mexicanarmymodern

Mexico has the most modern army in all North America

Action2g36nv

Mexican soldiers are some of the most friendly people in the world... really.

Hatredcopter

A Mexican Army helicopter, they are said to run on the tears of orphaned children.

Eject

Mexico is known for its aircraft engineering and piloting skills

JOIN NOW

Military conscription is purely voluntary.

Yes Mexico does have a military but unlike most armies it is never to be used in conflicts against other nations, for that type of war the president simply calls upon godzilla and Edward James Olmos. The Mexican army is however only used to Oppress and murder helpless mayan chiapas indians and destroy their filthy sub-human communist culture beautify our glorouis facist empire republic. The Typical Mexican soldier carries both a Battle rifle and a submachine gun, he can switch weapons by pressing Y and jump by tapping the A button. At the E3 2009, Microsoft announced the sequel to the Mexican army called Mexican Amry II: See how many baby seals you can shoot. The sequel will have several new features including a new interrogation mini-game in which the player can 'question' the suspect with various items such as golf clubs, bayonets, and water-boarding (programed with assistance of an unknown American developer). The sequel also does away with those pesky civil rights that many players complained ruined the first game. The Mexican Armed Forces include the following branches

List of "Weapons" used by the mexican military:

  • Oddly rectangular assault rifles with huge scopes
  • A truck with three wheels which can only go in reverse
  • Several drunk men on horseback
  • Poncho villa!
  • A division of Ex SS soldiers
  • Nikita Khruschev (cleans bathrooms on thursdays)
  • A plane with no wings
  • Plastic nuclear missles
  • Tanks
  • more tanks
  • EMOS!
  • Job stealing action
  • Solar powered stealth bomber
  • Ignorance
  • Mi-Mil 24 helicopters
  • angry man with tequila bottle
  • High-speed reproduction
  • Fellipe Calderon and a sock full of metal shards.
  • Montezuma, and he's back for revenge! and will soon reak havoc on your intestines.
  • A fleet of pope shaped nuclear submarines.
  • Sticks
  • Rocks
  • Chicle
  • Frijoles
  • Quesadillas
  • Beaner Man!!
  • Sukhoi! Many, many Sukhoi!

Exports

Mexico is famous for its exports. The most famous of which are:

Mexico city crowded

Due to a 3.62% annual birth rate, central Mexico is known for it's wide open spaces.

Edgar

The fat mexican kid Edgar trying to cross the Rio Grande to go to the United States.

Minigun

Typical Mexican children's toy.

Mexs00

In Nationalist Mexico Government soldier heil's You!!!

00000mx5Eca

The Mexican marine Kore landing in Omaha beach 1944.

00000water 45266

A mexican taco Stand in the country side of veracruz escorted by a Burito copter and a Taco-Tank.

Dietcokewithbacon

The National drink of Mexico, Soda with BACON!!!

  • Mexicans
  • Votes for the Republican party.
  • Emos
  • Angry soldiers in Jackboots.
  • Artillery Shells
  • Mexicans and more Mexicans
  • Automatic Weapons
  • Dora the Exploradora
  • The Mexican wave!!!
  • Bullets Love and Peace !!
  • Tanks
  • Finely crafted ceramic banks, most of which resemble Bart Simpson
  • Cocaina & Mota lots and lots of mota!
  • Tacos
  • Jennifer lopez
  • Hot Chile
  • Something that Lou Dobbs can rant about every fricking day
  • Mexican Slaves
  • Attack Helicopters
  • Brainworms
  • Roofers
  • Recently, Oscar-nominated movies
  • Uranium
  • Fine Asses
  • Tacos
  • Dead Soldiers
  • Dirty Pendejos
  • Pellizcadas de huevo
  • Illegal Immigrants
  • Detonated Missles
  • Latinas
  • Salsa (the food)
  • Tequila
  • Cowgars Oil
  • Assault Weaponry
  • Tacos
  • Tequila worms
  • Tequila hangovers
  • Tequila mockingbirds
  • Corn
  • Football...er...I mean, soccer.
  • More Mexicans
  • Crack smuggled from Colombia
  • Flour tortillas
  • Tacos
  • Even More Mexicans
  • Color TV (seriously, this is true!!)
  • Cheap Labor
  • Mustaches
  • Mexican Emos
  • Mexican Punks
  • Mexican Heavy Metal Bands
  • Mexican Americans
  • Mexican Chtulhu (known as Carlos Salinas de Gortari)
  • Cholos
  • More Cholos
  • Chinese people
  • Mexican Nerds
  • Mexican Otakus
  • Mexican Hippies
  • Mexican Geeks
  • Mexican Whatever
  • Pirated articles made in China
  • Tacos
  • Texas, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and a bit of Oklahoma, Kansas and Wyoming (This is true since all of these states where once Mexican soil, and apparently still are thanks to the above mentioned export(s))
  • 75% of the actresses in porn.
  • The 6 million Peso's Man who sells oranges in New York.
  • The Bumblebee Man
  • Lapa
  • Oil
  • Tacos
  • Pharmeceuticals for Americans, who don't mind sacrificing a little quality for low, low prices. (Note: This is disputed by some experts, who claim that Mexico now requires its pharmacists to graduate at least from the 8th grade.)
  • 98% of all the worlds crime
  • More icons of Our Lady of Guadalupe
  • Burritos
  • Beans
  • Spanish Uncyclopedia, called Inciclopedia
  • Narcos
  • Pornstars
  • Guacamole
  • The fat latino girl from grey's anatomy...
  • Catapulted Cinco De Mayo Port-a-Potties
  • Black Plague
  • Cultural Whipping Boys

Mexico gains greatly from all these exports, providing wealth and comfort for the political class that exactly like the USA, is exceedingly good at doing their job: Conning the people into paying them excessively high salaries.

Imports

Mexico, though hard to believe, also imports several important things. It is argued that the most important of these are dictionaries and playboy magazines. A list of the most known Mexican imports:

Star Wars empire currency

Felipe Claderons new design for the 1 peso bill. Prepare to feel the power of this fully armed and operational foreign debt collector!

  • Poverty from africa
  • Chinese tales
  • Those fucking mayans
  • Will Smith movies
  • Rap music
  • Over-used condoms
  • Breast implants (for men)
  • Fatness (from America)
  • Italian pubic spaghetti
  • American culture
  • Mexican people to ruin Mexico
  • Debt (this is disputed to not be an import since it is electronic and there is no electricity in 99% of Mexico.)
  • Lead slugs
  • Hand-worked tubes for the rapid emission of lead slugs, particularly by Mexicans at other Mexicans when trading illegal goods
  • Mexicans from Argentina
  • Mexicans from Cuba
  • Sugar, corn, and other agricultural products that mexicans worship as magical beings
  • Drugs made in Mexico from America
  • Untelligence
  • Old world ass-kissing the Boss.

How do they do it?!

Mexican Drunk Driver

Alcohol and frequent inebriation play a vital role in calming the social unrest that pervades Mexican society

The Mexican society has risen to topple tyrannical regimes before, but ever since has been in a state of slumber, patiently bearing unnecessary burdens placed upon the Mexican people by the politicians. To help cope with the stress inherent to such a task, Mexicans employ a variety of things:

All of this serves as a steam exhaust pipe for social frustration, channeling it through the right paths - the paths of "I don't give a fuck anymore".


Worldtomexicans

The world according to Mexicans

Mexican Mother M-16

Typical Mexican mother and son.

Law Enforcment

Cop has gun. You give cop money. Cop dose not shoot you in face. Walk away. *BOOM* (Alternative version, widely practiced "en el norte": Cop walks around. Some other idiot has gun. Cop asks someone else to give him food in return for money. Other idiot raises gun. *BOOM*)

Mexicanriotpolice

Mexican riot police.

Important Cities

Dresden in trümmern

An all-time splendorous Guadalajara, the City of the magic baster

File:Mexiconuketruck.jpg
0000Untitled

Some say that Felipe Calderón's subtle tactics for gaining popularity are a just bit to intimidating

Mexico's States

Mexico from space

Electricity was first bought by Mexico from Japan in the Mid-1990s.

Where's waldo in mexico city

The highways of the capital are your chance to sit for 18 hours inhaling gas fumes. Waldo (foreground) is like the Godzilla of the Federal District.

Like the United States of America, Mexico is a federation of 32 states. The constitution provided that the final two, Baja California and the other Baja California, would become states as soon as they acquired a certain population, and drinking water that didn't make you sick.

Aguascalientes

"Fire water" in Spanish, the Mexican state created by silver miners to make itself a miniature Switzerland. It didn't work, just a waste of space. But do come! The price of silver is unstable, but the US dollar is worth mucho.

Baja California

Just a short drive from L.A., "Baja" is full of seedy border towns like usual such as Tijuana "T.J." and the less glamorous Mexicali. Also it has some bitchy towns (er...beach towns) like Ensenada where you don't drink or swim in the water, but hang out in Senor Frog's for alcoholic beverage served to anyone over age 10. Rosarito is known by DXers for radio stations ("I'm on Mexican, whoa whoa, radio") and eateries that serve barbecued iguana. Take your dune buggy down to San Felipe, annually invaded by American retirees and don't forget beautiful Loreto.

Baja California Sur

Even farther down the "Baja" is a lot cooler (and warmer). La Paz is the capital, Cabo is a tourist destination, and the coastal fishing villages serve Baja-Mex cuisine, such as swordfish soft tacos that taste like gunpowder.

Campeche

One of 3 states of the Yucatan, the word rhymes with "Apache," as in Mexican Army helicopters on the quest to destroy the Mayan pyramids. Somebody call in Indiana Jones on this one.

Chiapas

War zone. Do not cross. Be on the lookout for Zapatista rebels. Mexican immigration officials also know how to deal with the invasion from Guatemala: Shoot first, ask questions later. Now why didn't the U.S. think of that?

Chihuahua
Main article: Chihuahua, Mexico

The state motto is, "Drop the Chalupa," and the telephone company is Taco Bell, in this northern farm state that takes its name from a breed of miniature dog that is also a source of food for 12 million of the residents. To avoid confusion, the capital city is also named Chihuahua. The principal city is El Paso (Ciudad Juárez to the North) where hundreds are kidnapped, their corpses to be found in the state's vast deserts. The stuff of folk legends in Chihuahua is the bandit Pancho Villa, who shot up Columbus, New Mexico in 1915.

Coahuila

The capital, Saltillo, is known for its funky pink tiles.

Colima

Named for coli, the notorious intestinal bacteria with which American visitors here become intimately familiar.

Distrito Federal (Federal District)

Built on a former lake bed by non-earth-friendly Aztecs about 3200 B.C., these great fans of human sacrifice and devil worship were killed off by the Spaniards in 1520 A.D. Too bad the Aztecs ignored that prophecy on their calendar circle stones.

Today, the city is covered under a veil of smog and streets are literally open sewers. The city government has implemented driving restrictions to curb air pollution. If your license plate starts with the right letter, you can drive today, but not tomorrow. The usual earth-friendly workaround is to buy several cars.

Durango

Not to be confused with a city of the same name in Colorado, this one is full of...Mexicans. Annoying circus music known as "Durangese" or "banda" began here and Mexican immigrants took it north to the USA. Now you can't be in any major city without hearing it.

Guanajuato

A sleepy Mexican village where sombrero-covered men sit in corners and donkeys walk in the alleys.

Guerrero

"Warrior" in Spanish, but the better name would be "dope smoker," as the state is known for Acapulco and the popular Acapulco Gold variety of marijuana.

Hidalgo

The site of a GREAT battle against the Gringos in the war with the U.S. back in the 1840's. President Harry Truman visited the site in 1947 to pay his honors and apologize to the Mexican people. That pissed off a lot of Texans and the state became a hardcore Republican hub ever since.

Jalisco

Each Mexican state has its characteristic music (as French provinces have their own wines), and in Jalisco it's Mariachi. Guadalajara is the bustling hub of businesses (exploitation) and industry (slave labor) in North America's second most developed (sort of!) economy. Americans live on Lake Chapola, where a home costs $25,000, but don't speculate in the Mexican economy, or you'll flee north across the border for a job at Wal-Mart, por favor.

Estado de Mexico (State of Mexico)
Mexico City

One of the smaller less developed parts of the Mexico State.

30 million people crowd this area, usually made up of rich Mexicans living inside their gated communities in what was the valley of paradise before it turned into a living hell (see also Los Angeles). Edomex is the official state's name, since there's already a Mexico City, Mexico State, and Mexico Republic.

Michoacán

Mexico's own Michigan, but without the closed auto plants. The "heartland" of Mexico, full of heartburn and heartworm. Don't forget to bring the Tums.

Morelos

Doesn't this mean "brown ones" in Spanish? Morelos has a huge landfill for Mexico City's trash.

Nayarit

The coastline is beautiful, especially when the Pacific hurricane season is in peak, from July to October. (Time to play The Pina Colada song in your CD player on the tourist bus, unless someone has traded you some trinkets for it.)

Nuevo León

A haven for beer drinkers, Monterrey is the country's second largest city (until we re-take Los Angeles some day). The city's nearly 100 breweries are a legacy of blond dudes with blue eyes who decided America is too "dry" and wanted a "spicy" tang in life. But, if you get drunk and party down, be careful with the beat police (or "federales"). A night in a Mexican jail is even closer to hell.

Oaxaca

The name of this state occurred to the founders during a friendly game of Tic-Tac-Toe. There are poor peasants everywhere, not recommended for skittish WASPs and yuppies.

Puebla
Puebla Low-tech

Downtown Puebla is known for it's un industrialized old timey decor.

The spiritual Mecca of the Mexican people, where Cinco de Mayo took place in 1862 against the French military, even before Corona beer. The Mexicans know how to fight rival ethnic gangs. Surprise!--The French surrendered. The city of Puebla is surrounded by several volcanic peaks, good luck when it asplodes. It is dominated by state-owned construction conglomorate CEMEX. Although downtown Puebla is known for its centuries-old colonial era buildings, many are being demolished to make room for new malls and shopping centers. When questioned why a mall was of greater value than a 560-year-old landmark, CEMEX executives simply reply, "Because you're stupid."

Querétaro

Querétaro played a key role in the founding of Mexico. But that's over and done, and now, it's one of the small states where there's not much to do.

Quintana Roo

Known for one thing and one thing only: Cancún. But Cuba is just 100 kms. away. Where else to smuggle in drugs, weapons and political refugees to? From Cancún, you can fly into Miami, Florida. A free 3-day vacation package--or a somewhat longer federal prison sentence.

San Luis Potosí

Is that a polytechnic college town in Central California?

Sinaloa

Mexico's own California.

Sonora

Mexico's own Arizona.

Tabasco

Along the Gulf of Mexico (one of 100 nationalistic geopolitical topographical names), Tabasco is the poor man's Tampico and the next big thing since Cancún. Tabasqueños claim the recipe for Tabasco hot sauce was stolen by French hicks from Louisiana. Therefore it's time for a draw. Let's see who's better with a knife. (It's the Mexican.)

Tamaulipas

This is an exciting region of southern Texas. You can't tell your way around in Laredo, Texas. The Rio Grande hasn't kept Mexicans out of Texas.

Tlaxcala

WTF? I can't say it, nor spell it. Spanish is such a hard language.

Veracruz

Where Fernando Cortez first landed in 1520, he thought he was in India, and the Aztecs thought he was God. Either way, Cortez got all their gold.

Yucatán

Like Mexico, Yucatán refers to several things: the state and the entire peninsula. For example, Cancún is on the Yucatán, but it's not in Yucatán; it's in Quintana Roo. The peninsula is covered with Mayan temples and left-wing Zapatista militants from Chiapas. If you get lost in the rain forests, look for signs of civilization thanks to timber workers cutting down thousands of square miles of trees.

Zacatecas

You can think of this as "New Texas" (the name New Mexico is already taken). The city has a tramway and check out the view from the mountain. But be careful of the UFOs known to be seen repeatedly over it. ZAP! BANG! No more tram cars.

Tourism

Mexico is famous for its bitches... er, I mean, beaches. Come for the kidnappings, stay for the STDs!

Tijuana is a popular tourist attraction, as it futures the highest hooker-to-horny teen ratio in North America. Most people from the US and Europe arrive to see what they believe is Mexico according to funny cartoons and old movies, so politicians deliberately leave enormous sections of the country undeveloped for the tourists to see. Like the traditional donkey riders or the big sombreros (which in Mexico go by the term: hat).

Notable (And Not-Able) Presidents of Mexico

0000S&W108282ME

This basically sums up the mexican government

Felipe Calderon Sexy

Felipe Calderon hanging with some of his "special freinds". Ever notice how he's always hanging around with guys, i mean i'm just saying.

Un poquito

Felipe tells us about the size of his penis! how much the healthcare budget will grow under his presidency!

  • Guadalupe Victoria: The first president. Not to be blamed for the mess Mexico currently is.*
  • Did you know that 70% of the mexican presidents shoppped at Victorias Secret...for themselves.
  • Vicente Guerrero: first and only black president of Mexico. Obivously removed and shot by Conservatives.
  • Benito Juárez: Fought for the separation between evil church and state. First American Indian to be elected emperor president and coincidentally the last.
  • Porfirio Díaz: Invented reelection. A new number in mathematics had to be invented to count the number of times he got elected and governed. He also instaured the only train lines that exist in Mexico, the first electricity installattions and the subway. He also tried to get away from making deals with the US.
  • Pedro Lascuráin: Ruled for half an hour in 1913. Did not have the time to screw up the country and therefore considered one of the most successful presidents ever.
  • Álvaro Obregón: Lost his arm on the battlefield and his life in a restaurant.
  • Miguel Alemán: Leader of the famous "Golden Age" of Mexico when rivers flowed with milk and honey, and chocolate bon-bons would occasionally shower the peasants' spontaneous festivals of joy. (Source: My mom, who claims that we're distantly related to him.)
  • Gustavo Díaz Ordaz: Third chimp president in Mexico.
  • Luis Echeverría: Set new standards for incompetence and mismanagement. General opinion was that it couldn't possibilly get any worse. But that was before power was handed over power to...
  • José López Portillo y Pacheco: He managed what no other mexican president could do - skyrocket inflation to an astounding 156&023K48A98M4902% in his six years of service. He was also the first dog ever to take charge in the world with people often barking at him.
  • Lazaro Cardenas: Another one of their worst presidents. Mexico 1985: an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, the 75th anniversary of the constitution, the World Cup (second one in 16 years) and Halley's Comet of doom. Mexico establishes a spanish language propaganda channel known as Univision, and promotes mass migration of its poor to the north ever since.
  • Carlos Salinas de Gortari: Known for making Mexico America's garbage can.
  • Manuel Labor: Embodied the spirit of Mexico and its people like no other president. Mexican voters related to him in an unprecedented manner.
  • Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de León: If you're a PRI follower, he's the bastard who handed in power to the opposition. If you're anybody else, he's the bastard who handed in power to incompetent fools and religious zealots.
  • Vicente Fox: Father of Michael J. Fox and author of the book "How to erase the dividing line between church and state" in a co-authorship with Pat Robertson. First mentally challenged person from an opposition party to be elected for office. He had a great ability to fuck things up internationally everytime he spoke.
  • Felipe Calderón Hinojosa: Like Vicente Fox 2.0 but half the height and with an extreme Napoleon complex.
  • Maximiliano Profirio Huerta Jong-Il: Liked running around the border pulling down outhouses and shooting himself in the head. Not a particularly notable president, but he did encourage the Zapatista rebels to wear raincoats.
  • George W. Bush wanted to have a war with Mexico, but they didn't harbor any Islamic terrorists...and won't sell any of its oil.

Bloodbath

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Most sporting events in Mexico end like this.

Recently They Won The Bloodbath World Cup 1970,1986,And 2002.They Also Missed The Trip To The Bloodbath World Cup 2006,Due To The Loss Of Money Like Nigeria.

Notable Mexicans

General

  • Bender B. Rodríguez
  • King (Tekken series)
  • Memo Herdez "el Grande"
  • Speedy González
  • El Santo
  • Rosa Meleño
  • Alma Marcela Silva de Alegria.
  • Edgar
  • ¡Y tu mamá también! (Your Mom too!)
  • Cardenal Gasponte

Entertainment

Mexico stereotype

What most people think of when you mention Mexican entertainers.

  • Pedro Armendariz
  • Pedro Armendariz Jr.
  • Belinda
  • Jannette Chao
  • Ana Gabriel
  • Salma Hayek
  • Patricia Manterola
  • Sara Ramirez
  • Paulina Rubio
  • Tatiana
  • Thalia
  • Gloria Trevi
  • Speedy Gonzalez
  • Panchito Pistoles

Illegal immigration

  • Just about all of them

Sports

  • Oscar de la Hoya
  • Lorena Ochoa
Cain-velasquez-knocks-out-nogueira

Cain "You are or you are not very Mexican?" Velasquez knocking out Brazilian Antonio Minotauro Nogueira.

All your election are belong to us

All your base AMLO FECAL

The ultimate battle for power. TAKE OFF EVERY VOTE!

!0mexicanofficer

Mexico was the first country to succesfully pull off the "vote or die" campaign. (1910)

- In A.D 2006...
- Election was beginning.
- AMLO: What happen ? It's a compló[t]!
- Leonel Cota: Somebody set up us the fraud.
- Claudia Sheinbaum: We get signal.
- AMLO: What you say! this show the great complot against me, everyone is against me! - teh PAN, teh PRI, teh CISEN, teh government, Vicente Fox, Carlos Salinas, the people, the politicians!!
- Loenel Cota: Uhmm... ok. Main screen turn on.
- AMLO: It's you !! It's a compló[t]!
- Felipe Calderón: How are you gentlemen !!
- Felipe Calderón: All your election are belong to us.
- Felipe Calderón: You are on the way to destruction.
- AMLO: What you say!! It's a compló[t]!
- Felipe Calderón: You have no chance to challenge election make your time.
- Felipe Calderón: Ha ha ha ha ....
- Leonel Cota: Captain !!
- AMLO: Take off every VOTE!! It's a compló[t]!
- Leonel Cota: You know what you doing.
- Leonel Cota: Move 'file for election to high court'.
- AMLO: It's a compló[t]!. I was counting to rule and steal like my hero Zambo Chavez in Venezuela!!

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