Mexico

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:''For the original version of this article, see [[Mexico/original|here]].''
 
:''For the original version of this article, see [[Mexico/original|here]].''
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{{Infobox Country|
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{{Infobox Country
|conventional_long_name = ¡¡Majesterium of the Mexikan Empirium!!<br>Federative Defense Industry Consortium of the Imperial Crown of Pemex-Tenochtitlan of His Majesty Felipe Calderons Military Federation of the Mexican Anime Fanboy Nationalized Emo Republican Peoples Non-Democratic Corporate Manufacturing Factory State
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|native_name = México
|common_name = Mexico
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|conventional_long_name = Estados Unidos Norteamericanos Pero No Tan Norte
|native_name = "Der Aztek Großdeutschesreich"
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|common_name = United States of America of Mexico
 
|national_motto =
 
|national_motto =
|national_anthem = ''"Jose Can You See";"Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo''
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|national_anthem = "José Can You See"
|image_flag = [[File:Mexico police state flag.png|200px|Flag of Mexico]]|
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|image_flag = Mexico police state flag.png
|image_coat = [[Image:%Aztekflag.png|135px|Coat of Arms of Mexico]]
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|image_coat = Seal.png
|image_map = [[File:INewGreatMexicanReichMaP.png|290px]]
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|image_map = INewGreatMexicanReichMaP.png
|capital = [[Mexico City]], also known as Tenochdtitlänn, Nacotitlan, Tikal, Chilangolandia, Guachilandia, and Perth Amboy
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|capital = [[Mexico City]]
 
|largest_city = [[Taco Bell]]
 
|largest_city = [[Taco Bell]]
|official_languages = [[Zztec|Aztek]], Mexican, one version of Spanish, [[Spanich]], [[Spanglish]] and [[Nahuatl]]
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|official_languages = [[Spanglish]], Aztec, and something resembling [[Spanish]] (''ya mero'')
|government_type = Two presidents at the same time, one pseudo-Communist government, the other under direct orders from <s>George W. Bush</s> Sarah Palin and Benedict XVI. Also Nationalist facism and a glue stick.
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|national_heros = [[Subcomandante Marcos]], El Peje, El Tigre, [[Zorro]], and Pancho Villa
|leader_title1 = '''[[President]]'''
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|currency = Peso, [[Dollar]], and [[Marijuana]]
|leader_name1 = [[Felipe Calderón]]
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|major_exports = Hydrocarbons, narcotics, warm bodies, such as cooks and gardeners
|leader_title3 = '''[[Vice President]]'''
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|major_imports = All its culture and other American hand-me-downs
|leader_name3 = [[Mr. Burrito]]
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|population = Five; the rest are ''chilangos''
|national_heros = [[Subcomandante Marcos]], [[El Peje]], [[El Tigre]] [[Zorro]], [[Capulina]], [[Luis Miguel]], [[Chabelo]], [[Cornholio]] and [[Pancho Villa]]|
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|independence = From Spain: 1610<br>From [[USA]]: Pending<br>From [[Soccer]]: Never
|currency = [[Peso]], [[Dollar]], [[Marijuana]]
 
|imports = Food
 
|exports = Oil, More Oil, Pot, Marijuana, Weed,CheapWorkers,Mexicans, Me , Your Mom, more Me
 
|population = 0 (they all keep coming into Americ)
 
|ethnic_groups = 2% Mexicans, 12% Indigenous, 65% Guatemalan, 41% El Salvadoran, 37% Honduran, 1% 18yr olds who cross over to get wasted, and are soon-to-be permanent Mexicans in a Mexican prison.
 
|religion = Catolicism, Burritoism, Tacoism, Drugism, Illegalism, Landmowerism
 
|Independence = From Spain: 1610<br>From USA: 1500<br>From Soccer: Never
 
 
}}
 
}}
   
{{Q|Police State? Bah! Lieutenant Ortiz, arrest this man and have him shot!|A Mexican government official|freedom of speech}}
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{{Q|Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result, means that you are in Mexico.|Albert Einstein}}
{{Q| I will check your passport...there, welcome to Mexico.... Although, between you and me, I would have also accepted a bribe.|A Mexican customs official}}
 
   
'''Mexico''' <s>was</s> is a European nation that is commonly known for being that rampant world of corruption and repression, as well as being the pee stain on the worlds jockstrap. It is bordered on the north by good ol' Ameriker, and to the south by [[Central America|some shithole]]. It is composed of 31 states, although this is disputed by some Americans who claim that only America can have states. Mexico was originally populated by Native American Aztecs and Mayans who were conquered and converted to [[Christianity]] by the Spaniards. In 1821, after deciding that the Spaniards sucked, Mexico revolted and gained independence.
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'''Mexico''' is a [[Latin America]]n country that pairs total social dysfunction with a population that never asks why nothing works but patiently waits for things to be different later.
   
==History==
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Mexico is bordered to the north by the [[United States]], though the border is vague and moving further north; and on the south by several even scarier places such as [[El Humidor]], with which the border doesn't matter.
   
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Mexico comprises 31 states, two territories aptly referred to as "B.C.", and three districts: a Federal District that is like [[Washington, D.C.]] but even smoggier, and the districts of Cancún and Acapulco, except that they are districts of the United States.
   
===The Aztec Empire===
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Mexico was originally populated by the Aztecs and Mayans. They perfected the ritual killing of youngsters, long before the invention of the automobile, and predicted that the world would end soon. They were conquered by the Spaniards, who preached that the world would never end. In 1821, Mexico declared its independence, and modern Mexicans wonder why it is taking so long for the world to end.
[[File:Xiuhcoatl.png|thumb|left|The Holy Fire Dragon Xiuhcoatl out for a morning stroll. Worshipped by the Aztec he was a master chess player and classical music composer. Sadly he died of a severe case of siphilis after a one night stand with Donald duck.]]
 
   
[[File:Quetzalcoatl.jpg|thumb|Quetzalcoatl also spelled Kedtsahlkohachtl, or kdshtrahrvxfwlhrxgzvkrskdpfhr. <br>Translated into English means "Freaky fucking weird ass snake demon rape thingy"]]
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Among American Presidents, [[Barack Obama]] surely thought he was in Mexico when he promised Americans that things would be different if they would only "hope" for "change." And, ''¡ay, [[Chihuahua, Mexico|Chihuahua]]!'' he got away with it. And [[George W. Bush]] surely meant Mexico when he referred to the people who "are only doing the jobs that [[American]]s won't do (at least, at the shabby wages we want to pay them)." These jobs include serving spicy meals that induce pain the next day, blowing off court dates, and making snap decisions to leave the expressway despite cruising in the fast lane.
The Aztec were the first to use [[high tech]] weaponry. 'Az' was the Aztec word for 'high', and since they were a race of giants they called themselves Az-techs. Their empire reached its peak during [[World War II]], in which the Aztec stormed the beaches at the [[Battle]] of [[Galapagos]], breaking the Inca control on the region.
 
   
The Az-techs had a variety of weapons, and the most famous was a mind-controlled [[electromagnetic experimental unit]]. Their most feared weapon was a robotic [[eagle]], eating [[snake]]s and cacti. Unfortunately the [[Spanish]] carried computer [[virus]]es, damaging the Az-tech systems.
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==History==
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===The Aztec Empire===
Another example of Az-tech weaponry, were their super heavy proton cannons, which were so heavy, it took the combined power of 2 ants to move it across battlefields. They fired extremely dense beams of protons at their enemies but were finally considered obsolete due to the shortage of ants to move them.
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[[File:Xiuhcoatl.png|thumb|left|The Holy Fire Dragon Xiuhcoatl goes out for a morning stroll.]]
 
The Aztec also used a highly accurate [[calendar]]. Since they were not aware of [[time zone]]s however, the Aztec calendar is completely useless today. Eccept when paranoid people want somethig to rant on about, like in 2040 there will be a giant alien that god created called Niubriu and he will eat Heaven Earth and Hell.
 
 
The Aztec are perhaps best known for [[human sacrifice]] which, as new archaeological evidence suggests, they never practiced. It is most likely that the Spanish conquistadors, who saw blood splattered on walls everywhere, were not aware they were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after successful [[heart removal]]. Even today some tourists mistakenly believe they visit Aztec temples while they are actually visiting Aztec hospitals. Indeed, the Mayo clinic derives its name from the Mayan Indians who learned about open heart surgery from the Aztec.
 
 
Furthermore the Aztec had a remarkably well organized [[ambulance]] system. Despite the lack of politicians and the Internet, carriers managed to carry ill patients from Huitzilopochtli to [[Tlaxcatlan]] Hospital in less than three hours. It is said that the Aztec High-Priest [[Ahuizotl]] personally healed 80.000 ill patients during the inauguration of [[Monctezuma]] in 1487, when he should have been initiating a war against Singapore.
 
   
In short, Aztec were cute, cuddly, soft spoken and damn good at crossword puzzles and cross stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture would still be with us today if it hadn't been for those meany Europeans, sickening the native population with colourfully animated, yet ultimately boring, speeches about burning in hell and Jesus and pot-bellied elephants and so on and so forth.
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[[File:Quetzalcoatl.jpg|thumb|The name Quetzalcoatl means "freaky fucking weird ass snake demon rape thingy."]]
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The Aztecs first occupied Mexico. They used a highly accurate [[calendar]]. However, as it had no concept of [[time zone]]s, it is utterly useless today, except as something to put on the backs of [[coin]]s, and as a basis for conspiracy theories and feature films about the arrival from outer space of giant illegal aliens.
   
[[File:Aztec microsoft.PNG|thumb|250px|left|Bill Gates announces the release of Windows Vista before being torn to pieces.]]
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The Aztecs are best known (thanks to minorities scholar [[Mel Gibson]]) for [[human sacrifice]]. But new archaeology suggests they never practiced it. The conquistadors who saw blood splattered on every wall were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after a successful heart-removal procedure. Even today, some tourists mistakenly believe they are in an Aztec temple when visiting a Mexican hospital that still specializes in such procedures. The well-organized Aztec [[ambulance]] system could transport patients from Huitzilopochtli to Tlaxcatlan Hospital in under three hours. The Aztec language, and the resulting epidemic of sprained [[tongue]]s, is what made effective health care so vital.
The most famous sport for the Aztec was called "Hechtol Neotyl" or "Little Whining Calf With A Shriveled Rectum". Not much is known about the ancient sport, but it is said they played the game for weeks on end. The rules were simple, no sexual intercourse with the "tight" calf, and no Escalades. The goal was to pick up the calf, hurl it onto your back, then run down field trying to get the calf to puke. If it did, the victorious team would then proceed to rip out the rectum and smack the opposing team with it. While simultaneously being barraged by the rotting, bloody, shriveled rectum, they would try to grab the rectum back, if anyone puked on either team, that man would then get his rectum torn from underneath and the other team members would receive it to continue smacking others in the face. The rectum-less man would then be eliminated and the game continued until all players from one team were rectum-less. To decide which team would carry the calf down-field first they decided to kill a slave girl and guess what color blood would spill. A popular guess was red.
 
   
Many Aztec are still alive today, surviving undercover as normal people across the world. The Aztec discovered the secret of immortality, and in order to protect the secret, faked the destruction of their own empire. A remnant of the old Aztec Empire still exists today, spear-headed by none other than [[Bill Gates]], the last king of the Aztec Empire. The new Aztec Empire is named Im~Ake~T~Hin~Gsthatsux, also known as [[Microsoft]] in the English language.
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In short, Aztecs were cute, cuddly, soft-spoken, and [[damned]] good at crossword puzzles and cross-stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture (except for the occasional ritual murder of children) would still be with us today if it hadn't been for the arrival of bothersome [[white people]].
   
===European Intervention===
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===Spaniards Gone Wild===
 
[[File:Aztec spanish fight.jpg|thumb|280px|The Aztec response to Spanish colonization of Mexico is still used today as a prime example of diplomacy at work.]]
 
[[File:Aztec spanish fight.jpg|thumb|280px|The Aztec response to Spanish colonization of Mexico is still used today as a prime example of diplomacy at work.]]
Mexico was discovered for the very first time by the [[Viking]] Maciek in the 15th Century, but he needed to leave in order to go to the final concert of [[Metallurgica]]. Then, the [[Spanish]] rediscovered it when they found a highly advanced society of humans who had merely stumbled upon the land accidentally. As such, they executed, enslaved, and poisoned them until they managed to take over.
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Francisco Hernández de Córdoba was the first [[European]] to visit Mexico. He came in search of [[Slavery|slaves]]. However, on outlining his proposition (historians believe it went like, "Would you like to engage in hard labor for no pay until dying at a very early age?") his troops were chased back to their boats.
   
Soon, Mexican culture began to form out of a mix of the [[Spanish]] and the natives, by taking the very worst of both worlds and putting them together into an incoherent society. From Spain, they took [[Bull]] running, in which Bulls are angered and then forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling. The Day of the Dead was also taken from Spain, where the dead are dug up and forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling.
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Later, Cortes took the precautionary move of burning the boats so there would be no turning back. [[Taco Bell]] had not reached the coast in those days, so Cortes and his men crossed the rugged mountains to the Valley of Mexico to meet with King Moctezuma. Amazingly, Moctezuma believed that Cortes was the god Quetzalcoatl, who according to prophecy would return some day and teach the Aztecs words they could actually pronounce. This would not be the first time Mexico's leaders would sell their people a [[pig]] in a [[Poker|poke]]. By the mid-1500s, the Spaniards had taken over.
   
From the [[Maya]], a tendency to leave one's country was inherited and is still seen to this day. From the [[Aztec]], a unique tradition of violence was kept in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military junta's and hostile takeovers that would plague the country for much of its history.
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Modern Mexico is a delightful blend of all these cultures. From Spain, the Mexicans took [[bull]]fighting, bull-running down narrow city streets, and [[Bullshit|bull-throwing]] in 31 separate state legislatures. From the Mayans, we see a tendency to leave the native land; also, a tendency not to know the correct date. And from the Aztecs, the Mexicans preserve the unique tradition of violence, in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military juntas, and hostile takeovers.
   
===Independence===
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===Spaniards gone away===
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In 1810, Miguel Hidalgo shouted the famous ''Grito de Dolores'' that statesmen repeat each [[Independence Day]]:
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{{Cquote|Hey Dolores, look at me! I'm up here on stage! Erm, Long live our Lady of Guacamole! Death to all Spaniards! <small>Is this thing on?</small>}}
   
On May 5th, [[1810]], Mexico declared itself independent from the [[Spanish]] empire. Spain quickly retaliated, by sinking the Mayo, Mexico's only ship. This day is commemorated as 'sink'o de Mayo' day.
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The Mexicans got the message and told the Spaniards to [[Piss|piss off]]. Only eleven short and bloody years later, Hidalgo had been captured and executed, likewise the next guy, and Iturbide received his orders to finish off the rebels. But he switched sides and defeated the Spaniards. Then he switched sides again and made himself the government. The Mexicans could not do anything because, at that point, they were too dizzy.
   
In Monterrey, the 'Taco Bell' was first raised into the bell tower at Taco Hall to mark Mexico's independence. The clearly visible crack in the bell is a result cheap Chinese slave labor labor. Due to this, the bell inspires pride and patriotism throughout Mexico to this day.
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Heady with the victory that had made the Spaniards go away, the Mexicans turned their attention to making Iturbide go away. A man named Santa Ana proved up to the task, and the task was putting himself in Iturbide's place. He became [[President]] four times, often even as the result of an [[election]]. Santa Ana fought fierce military battles with the [[United States]]. They featured showy victories at places like the Alamo, which made it easy to forget the losses, which included all of [[Texas]], [[Kansas]], [[New Mexico]], [[Oklahoma]], [[Colorado]], and [[Wyoming]]. Can't win 'em all. [[Arizona]] he didn't lose in battle but sold fair-and-square.
   
=== First Mexican Empire ===
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===First attempts at turbulent government===
Not that interesting, lets' move on...
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In 1858, the Mexican Congress elected Ciudad Juárez to be President. He was driven out of Mexico City and started his own Mexico in a city named Ciudad Juárez. The two Mexicos started fighting, and the United States allied with Juárez, until he got very late paying his bills. [[Napoleon]] thought he had a solution (just take over the whole country), but it didn't last. Juárez took back over, had a pleasant little [[firing squad]] for his replacement, and enjoyed five more good years until Porfirio Díaz took over.
   
=== Second Mexican Empire ===
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=== Patriotic themes ===
[[Image:MaximilianoVsJuarez.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The battle for the throne of the Mexican Empire as depicted in the popular SEGA Genesis game.]]
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[[Image:MaximilianoVsJuarez.jpg|thumb|left|200px|The battle for the throne of the Mexican Empire is depicted in the popular SEGA Genesis game.]]
In 1864 [[Napoleon III]] thought that he could set up an empire in Mexico so he sent his vast armies into mexico who were than defeated by starving farmers armed with pitch forks and rocks once again proving french military supremcy. It all came down to a supreme battle between Emperor Maximillian and Benito Juarez. Emperor Maximilian used a sword and Benito Juarez had him shot with a 12-man firing squad.
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The turbulent periods in the Mexican past provide many patriotic images that inspire citizens during the turbulent periods in the Mexican present.
   
Maximilian was aided by conservatives (Read: Rich folk and rich clergy). Fortunatley for the country's sake, these people were vanquished, and they never, ever gained enough power to take over and screw up the country more again...
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;Grito de Guerra
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The ''Grito de Guerra'' (call to arms) rouses Mexicans to defend the Fatherland against hypothetical future invasions (not that invaders are exactly lining up to be the first) using the key tactic of making loud noises, which most Mexicans do capably even in peacetime. The Grito is featured in the Mexican National Anthem, which was written by Bocanegra during a brief period of spousal abuse. His part in the abuse was to write a song with ten tedious verses. The song is abbreviated at [[soccer]] matches so that it will be over before halftime.
   
...OK, let's carry on.
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;Niños Héroes
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The ''Niños Héroes'' (Baby Heroes) illustrate the other prime Mexican strategy for fending off foreign invasion: Play the [[guilt]] card. This commemorates the Battle of Chapultepec, although the defenders, six military cadets, were not exactly babies, and were not exactly heroes. However, in this Mexican version of the Alamo, the six responded to certain defeat not by fighting to the last man, but by wrapping themselves in the Mexican flag and jumping off the wall to their deaths. This is why the current Mexican five-year economic plan so strongly resembles a [[suicide]] pact.
   
===Turbulent Times===
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===Even more turmoil===
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[[Image:SpeedyGonzales.jpg|thumb|250px|right|A poster put up by the border patrol.]]
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In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Famous criminal [[Speedy Gonzales]] stole approximately 6 million Old New Pesos (which would have ensured the fill-up of his getaway car) from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancún, and Toluca. [[President of Mexico|President]] [[Sylvester Stallone|Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone]] made repeated attempts to apprehend Speedy, each one resulting in hilarious Technicolor pratfalls.
   
In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Speedy Gonzales, a famous mexican criminal, stole approximately 6 Million Worthlos, or 50 Dollars, from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancun, and Toluca. Unsuccessful and often humorous attempts were led by [[President of Mexico|President]] [[Sylvester Stallone|Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone]] to capture Speedy, all resulting in failure.
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In [[1972]], a massive grass-roots campaign elected a write-in candidate named [[Pedro]]. Now, as often happens when you land at the airport and tell someone you have a car reservation with Avis, a throng of Mexicans sprang up, all of them claiming to have the desired name. One of them took office, quickly captured Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico. The country fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned, to be distinguished from the previous and following phases where corruption and narcotraffic reigned.
   
In [[1972]], a massive grass roots campaign was led to elect [[Pedro]] as the write in candidate. Pedro was entirely unknown, but nonetheless won the election. Quickly he captured Speedy Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico.
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But two Mexican patriots, El Mariachi and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly battled Mexican drug lords and the crime network of El Santo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico. You can still see them in action from the [[comic book]]s of the period.
   
=== Pedro's Mexico ===
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This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away. He was succeeded by Antonio Banderas, who eliminated the vigilantes within months.
After the popular capture of the criminal [[Speedy Gonzales]], Mexico fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned. Pedro's weak rule allowed for the country to fall into further decadence.
 
 
However, where the government failed, the citizenry excelled. Two Mexican patriots, [[El Mariachi]] and [[El Chapulin Colorado]] (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly made battle against Mexican drug lords, and the crime network of [[El Santo]]. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico.
 
 
This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away and was succeeded by Antonio Banderas. Banderas eliminated the vigilantes within months.
 
 
Pedro continued to do nothing as President, until in the 1990's he co-founded [[NAFTA]].
 
 
{{q|It isn't that we don't have jobs in our beloved nation, it's our job to be here!|Encover Agent Juan|NAFTA}}
 
 
=== The Narcocracy ===
 
[[Image:!0mexicantank.png|thumb|240px|Mexico, one of the few places where it wouldn't be considered weird to see one of these on your front lawn.]]
 
In recent years, Narco Cocaine has become a leading politician in northern Mexico, with the general idea of keeping the northern part of the country safe and sound. To attract tourists to some of Mexico's finest spots, like Ciudad Juarez, Mr. Cocaine has taken to staging fights at the O.K. Corral, one of the local gathering places. The cowboys are really named Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp, and they use real bullets and real guns, too, so people have to sign a disclaimer before visiting the fights. Actually, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long ago, they used fake toy guns instead. The shootouts have become quite popular with cops and soldiers, although the amount of whiskey drunk by everyone in the town saloon has made for an aromatic river of piss. Narco Cocaine attributes his success to having successfully channeled Pancho Villa at a fiesta.
 
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==Government==
 
==Government==
[[Image:Mordor.png|thumb|right|250px|The Mexican Capital building. A Pemex refinery can be seen in the background producing perfectly safe amounts of <del>pollution</del> skittles.]]
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[[Image:Mordor.png|thumb|right|250px|The Mexican capitol. In the background is a Pemex refinery producing perfectly safe amounts of Skittles.]]
[[Image:Mad fat kid.gif |thumb|200px|left|Typical Mexican politician.]]
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Mexico operates under the Constitution of 1917, written by the same inspiration that also gave us the [[Soviet Union]], and with mostly the same effects. The official name of the country is '''The United States of America of Mexico''' and many aspects are copied from the [[U.S.]] One aspect that is not, is the requirement that amendments to the Constitution be approved by a lot of people, and the hefty document that has resulted is used more often to lift small children to the dinner table than is the Mexico City telephone book. The Constitution is also used more often for that purpose than it is used to determine whether an action of government is legitimate or not.
The current Mexican government is the deranged crack-child of the Mexican revolution and well... uh Mexican people. In 1910
 
Venustiano Carranza got together with the most educated politicians in Mexico which happend to be the dug up corpses of dead aztec leaders (were actually still smarter even though they were dead) to draft plans of a new democratic government with blackjack and hookers actually forget about the democracy. The first Mexican congress aproved the new constitution in 1912 and the mexican people were for the time satisfied until they realised that the constitution had no economic regulations whatsoever and to make matters worse the hookers turned out to be giant pumpkins with holes drilled into them, they were then defecated upon and declared witches. In 1999 the Mexican government was bought out by Telmex which began to privatize every single thing in the country including human souls most of which were bought by the newly formed corporation Soulmex soon every thing in the country was turned in to a private corporation with the suffix "MEX" added to the end of it including the country it self which is now known as Mexmex.
 
   
==Cuisene==
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Mexico serves as a useful laboratory to prove that attractive reforms often proposed in other countries, such as a longer Presidential term, a prohibition on re-election, short, structured campaigns, and compulsory voting, do not change a thing.
   
Mexican food typicaly consists of various sticks rocks and gravel. Food from Mexico tends to be very hot due to the countries close proximity to hell
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[[Image:000000ogo20pemex.jpg|left|thumb|180px|The Pemex logo features a red droplet that represents an oil worker's blood.]]
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The Institutional Revolutionary Party had complete control of the Mexican government since 1929. One can see how revolution can be institutional by looking at the water in a [[toilet]] just after operating the little lever. Vested interests could still purchase favors, but by competing inside the party rather than with the party. However, in 2000, Mexico surprised everyone by holding a [[Democracy|fair election]], which the National Action Party won. The result was neither national action nor anything much different from the other guys. After 12 years of pro-business government (for those in the business of running [[drug]]s), the people decided that corrupt autocracy had been just fine.
   
== [[Failure|Economy]] ==
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The government is not the only thing that imitates the United States. Everything else does too, only it has "mex" added as a suffix. The telephone monopoly is Telmex, the petroleum monopoly is Pemex, and the country itself was recently renamed Mexmex.
[[File:MEXICANBUSINESSMAN.jpg|right|thumb|180px|The Mexican businessman, truly the most frightening creature on earth. He survives by consuming failing American corporations. In completely unrelated news have you checked your [[General Motors]] stock lately?]]
 
[[Image:000000ogo20pemex.jpg|left|thumb|180px|¡OBEDEZCA! Unknown to many the red drop on the pemex logo is actualy a droplet of oil worker's blood.]]
 
[[File:Mexican Economy.png|left|thumb|180px|This graph shows just how tremendously diversified the Mexican economy is!]]
 
   
The Mexican economy is really top tier, the country has been systematically pillaged and plundered for 70+ years and counting, and still provides for us all! The Mexican economy generates yearly more than 2 trillion dollars, of which 70% is devoted to paying politician's salaries, 0.1% is devoted to paying the quesadilla makers, 0.89% goes to the biker mice from mars of and 0.01% is spread amongst the [[africans|needy population]]. The rest of the money goes for [[Carlos slim]]. Milton Friedman repeatedly expressed his bemusement at the Mexican economy's functionality and dynamic pace, claiming that he'd "...''never seen something that's as fucked up as that and still works with a certain degree of normality!!''
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===Congress===
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The Mexican legislature wins originality points by being called "Congress" and consisting of two chambers. One is the Chamber of Deputies; which would leave the Chamber of [[Sheriff of Nottingham|Sheriffs]]. In each house, half of the seats are voted on through representative districts. Half of the remainder are decided by dividing Mexico into five parts based on nothing and having everyone vote on their favorite car. The political parties decide who gets these seats, one of the many ways that relieve Mexicans of their surprise (and of anyone to complain to) when what they vote for is not what they get. The other seats can be acquired for cash.
   
Mexico is, of course, a rich country...and less than 10% of its citizens are lucky, lucky enough to enjoy it!
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===The bureaucracy===
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Every family has one member employed in government. He uses his staff car to run errands for family members, sometimes even for aunts and uncles. Most of these errands involve waiting in line, which he can do with confidence that the citizens waiting in line to see him will stay there even longer. Being a member of the bureaucracy usually ensures a person of an ample supply of [[Christmas]] gifts for the entire family.
   
However, Mexico has found an important calling in moving Cocaine and Weed from their points of origin to the flabby fat-clogged, drugged-up, crack-addicted hands of [[Lou Dobbs|stupid ass americans]] and all gringos should be glad.
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===Foreign policy===
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Mexico's border policy depends on whether we are talking "northern border" or "southern border."
   
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To the south, policy involves an absolute prohibition on anyone entering or leaving, a system of strict work permits, and frequent imprisonment of offenders in squalid jails on vague charges, all of the above depending on whether suitable bribes are paid.
   
== The Emo Scourge ==
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To the north, policy involves nuisance fees that must be paid with a U.S. credit card and frequent overtures to the U.S. [[Barack Obama|President]] and [[Congress]] to let Mexican citizens swarm in with impunity and not use [[English]], all of the above depending on whether suitable bribes are paid.
[[File:Mexican Emos.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Ai ai ai ! Muchos Emos !]]
 
[[Image:Valdez Tanque Modelo 20301.jpg|right|250px|thumb|The Mexican governments response to the massive emo infestation]]
 
   
On September 4, 2007 the Mexico City board of shopping and commerce authorized the building of Mexicos largest Hot Topic store in a mall off the main street. Within the first two days of the store opening, My Chemical Romance CD sales had tripled throughout the capital city and the suicide rate had increased from a rate of 3 per day to 497. At first the politicians in Mexico were happy about this as this meant less children would be in school so less government funding would go to schools and more would be going into there salaries so they could get more blowjo... er i mean donate the money to those in need. For a while it went well, the politicians were getting head and the government was getting rich from the taxes on all the Happy Tree Friends merchandise, but the good times were not to last.... At first it began with simple conflicts between the emos and punks/Metalheads/Wahteverheads. The latter were groups of young men with political ideas who sought to eradicate the socioeconomic problems that had plagued the country for decades...and did this by ganging up in dozens to brutally beat a single skinny boy. Their leader was a Polish-Mexican VJ named [[Douchekoff Douchewalski]], a man whose name obviosuly denotes his positive qualities and sharp social conscience. But then these conflicts tuned into riots and the military had to be called in (this part is true, look it up). Now the military was already upset because the had get up early to get to the riots on time and were made even angrier by the fact that the were missing Boston Legal and they couldn't get their newfangled tivo to record it. So they took their frustration ot on both the Emos and Punks while the punks fought back.
+
The requirement on both borders that bribes be paid is an example of the consistency demanded by Section 532 of the Mexican Constitution, only that page seems to be missing from my copy.
   
== Military ==
+
== Economy ==
[[File:Galvan Galvan.jpg|thumb|left|Defense Minister Galvan shall crush all enimies of the republic.]]
+
{{main|Failure}}
[[Image:Mexicanarmymodern.PNG|right|thumb|Mexico has the most modern army in all North America]]
+
The Mexican economy has been plundered for over 90 years and continues to provide for the entire nation. There is frenzied activity as throngs of consumers move from one line to another and exchange pieces of paper for new, improved pieces of paper, many of which now have holograms.
[[Image:Action2g36nv.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Mexican soldiers are some of the most [[friendly]] people in the world... really.]]
 
[[File:Hatredcopter.jpg|right|thumb|200px|A Mexican Army helicopter, they are said to run on the tears of orphaned children.]]
 
[[Image:Eject.jpg|thumb|200px|Mexico is known for its aircraft engineering and piloting skills]]
 
[[Image:JOIN NOW.jpg|thumb|250px|Military conscription is purely voluntary.]]
 
Yes Mexico does have a military but unlike most armies it is never to be used in conflicts against other nations, for that type of war the president simply calls upon godzilla and [[Edward James Olmos]]. The Mexican army is however only used to <del>Oppress and murder helpless mayan chiapas indians and destroy their filthy sub-human communist culture</del> beautify our glorouis <del>facist empire</del> republic. The Typical Mexican soldier carries both a Battle rifle and a submachine gun, he can switch weapons by pressing Y and jump by tapping the A button. At the E3 2009, Microsoft announced the sequel to the Mexican army called Mexican Amry II: See how many baby seals you can shoot. The sequel will have several new features including a new interrogation mini-game in which the player can 'question' the suspect with various items such as golf clubs, bayonets, and water-boarding (programed with assistance of an unknown American developer). The sequel also does away with those pesky civil rights that many players complained ruined the first game. The Mexican Armed Forces include the following branches
 
<br>
 
*[[Army|Mexican Federal Army]]
 
*[[Emo|Mexican Federal Anti-Emo Force]]
 
*[[Freedom of Expression|Mexican Federal Censorship Force]]
 
*[[Aztec|Mexican Federal Mayan Oppressing Force]]
 
*[[Air Force|Mexican Federal Air Force]]
 
*[[Taxes|Mexican Federal Tax Wasting Force]]
 
*[[Old Navy|Mexican Federal Navy]]
 
*[[China|Mexican Federal People's Liberation Army]]
 
*[[Retard|Mexican Federal Suicide Force]]
 
*[[Star Wars|Mexican Federal Stormtroopers Force]]
 
*[[Robot|Mexican Federal Gundam Force]]
 
*[[Cuba|Mexican Federal Cuban Invasion Force]]
 
*[[United States of America|Mexican Federal American Invasion Force]]
 
   
List of "Weapons" used by the mexican military:
+
=== Money ===
  +
[[File:Pesos.jpg|thumb|right|Honey, we're rich!!!]]
  +
Mexico's currency is called the peso. That is, each of Mexico's currencies is called the peso; and you need to learn the pictures and maybe check the fine print with the year of issue to tell whether you are being given New Pesos, Really New Pesos, New Improved Pesos, or those worthless Old Pesos. There is always a cartoon advertisement on [[television]] with decimal points playing hopscotch over zeros (three at a time) to give a cheerful illustration about how the $40,000.00 in your pocket will henceforth be known as $40 and will still not pay the complete bill for lunch. This is the reason why, up in [[Chihuahua, Mexico|the hills]], they don't ask, "How many pesos for that chair?" but "How many thousands for that chair?" and they don't mean thousands.
   
* Oddly rectangular assault rifles with huge scopes
+
=== Property ===
* A truck with three wheels which can only go in reverse
+
[[File:NOM.png|thumb|left|The Norma Oficial Mexicana is an assurance of quality like the traditional guarantee that most Mexican prostitutes are virgins.]]
* Several drunk men on horseback
+
About the only thing on which the Mexican Constitution is clear is that nobody owns anything. You are welcome to maintain that house on Enemies of the Proletariat Avenue, and you can exercise "stewardship" forever over that small piece of the National Patrimony, but don't think that you own it. Foreigners can also be stewards of property, only not within 200 km of a national border or 300 km of a coastline. Unless you find a Mexican willing to sign the legal papers for a small fee.
* Poncho villa!
 
* A division of Ex SS soldiers
 
* Nikita Khruschev (cleans bathrooms on thursdays)
 
* A plane with no wings
 
* Plastic nuclear missles
 
* Tanks
 
* more tanks
 
* EMOS!
 
* Job stealing action
 
* Solar powered stealth bomber
 
* Ignorance
 
* Mi-Mil 24 helicopters
 
* angry man with tequila bottle
 
* High-speed reproduction
 
* Fellipe Calderon and a sock full of metal shards.
 
* Montezuma, and he's back for [[diarrhea|revenge]]! and will soon reak havoc on your intestines.
 
* A fleet of pope shaped nuclear submarines.
 
* Sticks
 
* Rocks
 
* Chicle
 
* Frijoles
 
* Quesadillas
 
* Beaner Man!!
 
* Sukhoi! Many, many Sukhoi!
 
   
== Exports ==
+
If the place comes with a maid and a chauffeur, and if they belong to a union, their rights to the place may be in competition with yours as the new "steward." Likewise if there is a gentleman living in a tent in the back yard. The key thing to remember is that money talks--and not the amount you paid to acquire the place.
Mexico is famous for its exports. The most famous of which are:
 
[[File:Mexico city crowded.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Due to a 3.62% annual birth rate, central Mexico is known for it's wide open spaces.]]
 
[[Image:Edgar.jpg|thumb|The fat mexican kid Edgar trying to cross the Rio Grande to go to the United States.]]
 
[[Image:Minigun.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Typical Mexican children's toy.]]
 
[[Image:Mexs00.jpg|right|thumb|100px|In Nationalist Mexico Government soldier heil's You!!!]]
 
[[Image:00000mx5Eca.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Mexican marine Kore landing in Omaha beach 1944.]]
 
[[Image:00000water 45266.jpg|right|thumb|200px|A mexican taco Stand in the country side of veracruz escorted by a Burito copter and a Taco-Tank.]]
 
[[Image:Dietcokewithbacon.jpg|right|thumb|150px|The National drink of Mexico, Soda with BACON!!!]]
 
   
* Mexicans
+
Your children, on the other hand, will generally do what you ask them to. This is why most Mexicans realize that the only way to build a nest egg for retirement is to have fourteen kids. It helps that locally available [[condom]]s comply with the Official Mexican Standards for quality. These quality standards, known by the Spanish acronym NOM, certify the highest dependability that mind-numbing regulations and bribe-taking inspectors can deliver. The only higher rating is the triple award, pronounced "nom nom nom."
* Votes for the [[Republican]] party.
 
* Emos
 
* Angry soldiers in Jackboots.
 
* Artillery Shells
 
* Mexicans and more Mexicans
 
* Automatic Weapons
 
* Dora the Exploradora
 
* The Mexican wave!!!
 
* <del>Bullets</del> Love and Peace !!
 
* Tanks
 
* Finely crafted ceramic banks, most of which resemble Bart Simpson
 
* Cocaina & Mota lots and lots of mota!
 
* Tacos
 
* Jennifer lopez
 
* Hot [[Chile]]
 
* Something that [[Lou Dobbs]] can rant about every fricking day
 
* Mexican Slaves
 
* Attack Helicopters
 
* Brainworms
 
* Roofers
 
* Recently, [[Oscar]]-nominated movies
 
* Uranium
 
* Fine Asses
 
* Tacos
 
* Dead Soldiers
 
* Dirty Pendejos
 
* Pellizcadas de huevo
 
* Illegal Immigrants
 
* Detonated Missles
 
* [[Latinas]]
 
* Salsa (the food)
 
* Tequila
 
* [[Cowgars]] Oil
 
* Assault Weaponry
 
* Tacos
 
* Tequila worms
 
* Tequila hangovers
 
* Tequila mockingbirds
 
* Corn
 
* Football...er...I mean, soccer.
 
* More Mexicans
 
* Crack smuggled from Colombia
 
* Flour tortillas
 
* Tacos
 
* Even More Mexicans
 
* Color [[TV]] (seriously, this ''is true!!'')
 
* Cheap Labor
 
* Mustaches
 
*Mexican Emos
 
*Mexican Punks
 
*Mexican Heavy Metal Bands
 
*Mexican Americans
 
*Mexican Chtulhu (known as Carlos Salinas de Gortari)
 
*Cholos
 
*More Cholos
 
*Chinese people
 
*Mexican Nerds
 
*Mexican Otakus
 
*Mexican Hippies
 
*Mexican Geeks
 
*Mexican Whatever
 
*Pirated articles made in China
 
* Tacos
 
* Texas, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and a bit of Oklahoma, Kansas and Wyoming (This ''is'' true since all of these states where once Mexican soil, and apparently still are thanks to the above mentioned export(s))
 
* 75% of the actresses in porn.
 
* The 6 million Peso's Man who sells oranges in New York.
 
* The Bumblebee Man
 
* Lapa
 
* Oil
 
* Tacos
 
* Pharmeceuticals for Americans, who don't mind sacrificing a little quality for low, low prices. (Note: This is disputed by some experts, who claim that Mexico now requires its pharmacists to graduate at least from the 8th grade.)
 
* 98% of all the worlds crime
 
* More icons of [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonantzin Our Lady of Guadalupe]
 
* Burritos
 
* Beans
 
*Spanish Uncyclopedia, called Inciclopedia
 
* Narcos
 
* Pornstars
 
* [[Guacamole]]
 
* The fat latino girl from grey's anatomy...
 
* Catapulted Cinco De Mayo Port-a-Potties
 
* Black Plague
 
*Cultural Whipping Boys
 
   
Mexico gains greatly from all these exports, providing wealth and comfort for the political class that exactly like the USA, is exceedingly good at doing their job: Conning the people into paying them excessively high salaries.
+
===NAFTA===
  +
<!--DO NOT CHANGE THE HEADING; "NAFTA" REDIRECTS TO HERE-->
  +
[[File:MEXICANBUSINESSMAN.jpg|right|thumb|180px|The terrifying Mexican businessman survives by consuming failing American corporations. In completely unrelated news, have you checked your [[General Motors|GM]] stock lately?]]
  +
{{q|Iss not that we don' have jobs! Iss our job to be here!|Customs Agent Juan Enchilada de Serrano|NAFTA}}
  +
NAFTA (the North American Free Trade Agreement) has resulted in many new jobs for Mexicans, mostly ensuring that all products have tedious labels in three languages that are too small to read. NAFTA is enforced by a network of [[Walmart]] stores, which now exist in every major city. The people don't shop there, however, as they find full shelves disconcerting and there are no [[cockroach]]es for the children to prod and tease.
   
== Imports ==
+
As the National Action Party is known by its Spanish initials, which spell out "[[bread]]", NAFTA is sometimes referred to as naphtha, which is the same technique of convincing the Mexican people of something by suggesting that it might be good to eat.
Mexico, though hard to believe, also imports several important things. It is argued that the most important of these are dictionaries and playboy magazines.
 
A list of the most known Mexican imports:
 
   
[[File:Star Wars empire currency.jpg|thumb|Felipe Claderons new design for the 1 peso bill. Prepare to feel the power of this fully armed and operational foreign debt collector!]]
+
NAFTA comprised more than 1000 pages, which is 1000 pages more than you would need if you were really after free trade. But inspectors to confirm that every shipment complies with the detailed rules for "liberalization" are another great new jobs program.
   
* Poverty from africa
+
[[File:Carlos Slim.jpg|thumb|left|It is no stranger that they call this guy "slim" than that they call Felipe Calderón "President."]]
  +
Since the treaty took effect in 1994, the Mexican people have been terrified of losing all their jobs to superior American quality—almost as terrified as the American people are of losing all their jobs to cheap Mexican labor. If the zone's 210,000,000 jobs all left at the same time, they would surely all wind up in the middle of the Rio Grande. This would hamper barge traffic but might increase the river's utility for sneaking into the United States.
   
* Chinese tales
+
===Carlos Slim===
  +
<!--DO NOT CHANGE THE HEADING; "Carlos Slim" REDIRECTS TO HERE-->
  +
The most remarkable thing of all is that this dirt-poor economy has produced the world's richest person. If no one is allowed to own anything in Mexico, no one told Carlos "Slim" Helú. This billionaire businessman has his own section in an article in U<small>'''NCYCLOPEDIA'''</small>, even though he is not really a "businessman," in the usual G-7 sense, and he is not really slim.
   
* Those fucking mayans
+
Mr. Helú owns a controlling stake in Telmex and thus derives a chunk-of-change, which is not slim either, every time a telephone is installed in Mexico, and may obtain a portion of the extra payment made to ensure that the installation is made without waiting the usual six months.
   
* Will Smith movies
+
Mr. Helú is about to demonstrate Mexicans' notorious adaptability, as a majority of the nation has torn the telephone off the wall and gone [[cell phone|cellular]]--even before the U.S. did.
   
* Rap music
+
===Toll roads===
  +
[[Image:!0mexicantank.png|thumb|right|240px|It is commonplace and ordinary in Mexico for unusual vehicles to appear on the front lawn. Except that there are no lawns.]]
  +
Some Polynesians think the reason cargo planes with hot meals landed during [[World War II]] is that there were airports; and they still build bamboo "control towers" and wait. Likewise, Mexico decided it could be as rich as the United States by merely building [[Interstate]]s. These now go halfway to everywhere the traveler wants to be. Moreover, new speed bumps in the old road at every little village induce the traveler to take the expressway.
   
* Over-used condoms
+
Unfortunately, someone learned about tolls during a visit to [[Tokyo]], and the resulting fares mean that the only people who use expressways are truckers and Americans. Most tolls are still collected by private entreprise, at toll booths consisting of a tree felled across the road. The highway-user's only protection against the [[Robbery|highway-man]] is not to disclose that he has a lot of cash in the vehicle. This can only be achieved by not using the toll roads.
   
* Breast implants (for men)
+
== Military ==
+
[[File:Hatredcopter.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Mexican Army helicopters run on the tears of orphaned children.]]
* Fatness (from America)
+
Mexico's armed forces are never to be used in conflicts against other nations. The southern border is defended by the fact that neighboring countries are even more disorganized and generally at war with one another instead. The northern border is not defended at all; that would keep everyone from getting to work in the morning.
 
* Italian pubic spaghetti
 
 
* American culture
 
 
* Mexican people to ruin Mexico
 
 
* Debt (this is disputed to not be an import since it is electronic and there is no electricity in 99% of Mexico.)
 
 
* Lead slugs
 
 
* Hand-worked tubes for the rapid emission of lead slugs, particularly by Mexicans at other Mexicans when trading illegal goods
 
 
* Mexicans from Argentina
 
 
* Mexicans from Cuba
 
 
* Sugar, corn, and other agricultural products that mexicans worship as magical beings
 
 
* Drugs made in Mexico from [[America]]
 
 
* [[Taco Bell]]
 
 
* Untelligence
 
 
* Old world ass-kissing the Boss.
 
 
== How do they do it?! ==
 
[[File:Mexican Drunk Driver.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Alcohol and frequent inebriation play a vital role in calming the social unrest that pervades Mexican society]]
 
The Mexican society has risen to [[Mexican Revolution|topple tyrannical regimes]] before, but ever since has been in a state of slumber, patiently bearing unnecessary burdens placed upon the Mexican people by the politicians. To help cope with the stress inherent to such a task, Mexicans employ a variety of things:
 
 
*[[Beer]]
 
*[[Beans]]
 
* Ninel Conde
 
*[[Tequila]]
 
*Burn books and [[white people]]
 
*[[TV]]
 
*Lazyness
 
*Farting
 
 
All of this serves as a steam exhaust pipe for social frustration, channeling it through the right paths - the paths of ''"I don't give a fuck anymore".''
 
 
 
[[Image:Worldtomexicans.png|left|200px|thumb|The world according to Mexicans]]
 
[[File:Mexican Mother M-16.jpg|thumb|Typical Mexican mother and son.]]
 
 
== Law Enforcment ==
 
Cop has gun. You give cop money. Cop dose not shoot you in face. Walk away. *BOOM* (Alternative version, widely practiced "en el norte": Cop walks around. Some other idiot has gun. Cop asks someone else to give him food in return for money. Other idiot raises gun. *BOOM*)
 
[[Image:Mexicanriotpolice.png|thumb|Mexican riot police.]]
 
 
== Important Cities ==
 
[[File:Dresden_in_trümmern.jpg|left|thumb|200px|An all-time splendorous Guadalajara, the City of the magic baster]]
 
[[File:Mexiconuketruck.jpg|left|thumb|Yippee!! Nukes for everone!!! We can be part of a nuclear holocaust too!!!|200px]]
 
[[File:0000Untitled.jpg|right|thumb|Some say that Felipe Calderón's subtle tactics for gaining popularity are a just bit to intimidating]]
 
 
* '''Tampico'''
 
* '''Cancún''' (only during spring break, however)
 
* '''Mérida'''
 
* '''Sinaloa'''
 
* '''Morelia
 
* '''[[Los Angeles]]'''
 
* '''[[Phoenix]]'''
 
* '''[[San Diego]]'''
 
* '''[[Houston]]'''
 
* '''Valle Dorado'''
 
* '''[[Nigeria]]'''
 
 
==Mexico's States==
 
[[File:Mexico from space.PNG|thumb|Electricity was first bought by Mexico from Japan in the Mid-1990s.]]
 
[[File:Where's waldo in mexico city.jpg|thumb|The highways of the capital are your chance to sit for 18 hours inhaling gas fumes. Waldo (foreground) is like the Godzilla of the Federal District.]]
 
Like the [[United States of America]], Mexico is a federation of 32 states. The constitution provided that the final two, Baja California and the other Baja California, would become states as soon as they acquired a certain population, and drinking water that didn't make you sick.
 
 
;Aguascalientes
 
"Fire water" in Spanish, the Mexican state created by silver miners to make itself a miniature [[Switzerland]]. It didn't work, just a waste of space. But do come! The price of silver is unstable, but the US dollar is worth ''mucho''.
 
 
;Baja California
 
Just a short drive from L.A., "Baja" is full of seedy border towns like usual such as Tijuana "T.J." and the less glamorous Mexicali. Also it has some bitchy towns (er...beach towns) like Ensenada where you don't drink or swim in the water, but hang out in Senor Frog's for alcoholic beverage served to anyone over age 10. Rosarito is known by DXers for radio stations ("I'm on Mexican, whoa whoa, radio") and eateries that serve barbecued iguana. Take your dune buggy down to San Felipe, annually invaded by American retirees and don't forget beautiful Loreto.
 
 
;Baja California Sur
 
Even farther down the "Baja" is a lot cooler (and warmer). La Paz is the capital, Cabo is a tourist destination, and the coastal fishing villages serve Baja-Mex cuisine, such as swordfish soft tacos that taste like gunpowder.
 
 
;Campeche
 
One of 3 states of the Yucatan, the word rhymes with "Apache," as in Mexican Army helicopters on the quest to destroy the Mayan pyramids. Somebody call in [[Indiana Jones]] on this one.
 
 
;Chiapas
 
War zone. Do not cross. Be on the lookout for Zapatista rebels. Mexican immigration officials also know how to deal with the invasion from Guatemala: Shoot first, ask questions later. Now why didn't the U.S. think of that?
 
 
;Chihuahua
 
{{Main|Chihuahua, Mexico}}
 
The state motto is, "Drop the Chalupa," and the telephone company is Taco Bell, in this northern farm state that takes its name from a breed of [[Chihuahua|miniature dog]] that is also a source of food for 12 million of the residents. To avoid confusion, the capital city is also named Chihuahua. The principal city is El Paso (Ciudad Juárez to the North) where hundreds are kidnapped, their corpses to be found in the state's vast deserts. The stuff of folk legends in Chihuahua is the bandit Pancho Villa, who shot up Columbus, [[New Mexico]] in 1915.
 
 
;Coahuila
 
The capital, Saltillo, is known for its funky pink tiles.
 
 
;Colima
 
Named for ''coli,'' the notorious intestinal bacteria with which American visitors here become intimately familiar.
 
 
;Distrito Federal (Federal District)
 
 
Built on a former lake bed by non-earth-friendly [[Native Americans|Aztecs]] about 3200 B.C., these great fans of human sacrifice and [[satan|devil worship]] were killed off by the [[Spaniards]] in 1520 A.D. Too bad the Aztecs ignored that prophecy on their calendar circle stones.
 
 
Today, the city is covered under a veil of smog and streets are literally open sewers. The city government has implemented driving restrictions to curb air pollution. If your license plate starts with the right letter, you can drive today, but not tomorrow. The usual earth-friendly workaround is to buy several cars.
 
 
;Durango
 
Not to be confused with a city of the same name in [[Colorado]], this one is full of...Mexicans. Annoying circus music known as "Durangese" or "banda" began here and Mexican immigrants took it north to the USA. Now you can't be in any major city without hearing it.
 
 
;Guanajuato
 
A sleepy Mexican village where sombrero-covered men sit in corners and donkeys walk in the alleys.
 
 
;Guerrero
 
"Warrior" in Spanish, but the better name would be "dope smoker," as the state is known for [[Acapulco]] and the popular Acapulco Gold variety of [[marijuana]].
 
 
;Hidalgo
 
The site of a GREAT battle against the Gringos in the war with the U.S. back in the 1840's. President [[Harry Truman]] visited the site in 1947 to pay his honors and apologize to the Mexican people. That pissed off a lot of [[Texas|Texans]] and the state became a hardcore Republican hub ever since.
 
 
;Jalisco
 
Each Mexican state has its characteristic music (as French provinces have their own wines), and in Jalisco it's [[Mariachi]]. [[Guadalajara]] is the bustling hub of businesses (exploitation) and industry (slave labor) in North America's second most developed (sort of!) economy. Americans live on Lake Chapola, where a home costs $25,000, but don't speculate in the Mexican economy, or you'll flee north across the border for a job at [[Wal-Mart]], ''por favor.''
 
 
;Estado de Mexico (State of Mexico)
 
[[File:Mexico City.png|thumb|One of the smaller less developed parts of the Mexico State.]]
 
30 million people crowd this area, usually made up of rich Mexicans living inside their gated communities in what was the valley of paradise before it turned into a living hell (see also [[Los Angeles]]). ''Edomex'' is the official state's name, since there's already a Mexico City, Mexico State, and Mexico Republic.
 
 
;Michoacán
 
Mexico's own [[Michigan]], but without the closed auto plants. The "heartland" of Mexico, full of heartburn and heartworm. Don't forget to bring the Tums.
 
 
;Morelos
 
Doesn't this mean "brown ones" in Spanish? Morelos has a huge landfill for Mexico City's trash.
 
 
;Nayarit
 
The coastline is beautiful, especially when the Pacific hurricane season is in peak, from July to October. (Time to play ''The Pina Colada song'' in your CD player on the tourist bus, unless someone has traded you some trinkets for it.)
 
 
;Nuevo León
 
A haven for beer drinkers, [[Monterrey]] is the country's second largest city (until we re-take Los Angeles some day). The city's nearly 100 breweries are a legacy of [[Germans|blond dudes with blue eyes]] who decided America is too "dry" and wanted a "spicy" tang in life. But, if you get drunk and party down, be careful with the beat police (or "federales"). A night in a Mexican jail is even closer to hell.
 
 
;Oaxaca
 
The name of this state occurred to the founders during a friendly game of Tic-Tac-Toe. There are poor peasants everywhere, not recommended for skittish [[WASP]]s and [[yuppies]].
 
 
;Puebla
 
[[File:Puebla Low-tech.jpg|thumb|200px|Downtown Puebla is known for it's un industrialized old timey decor.]]
 
The spiritual [[Mecca]] of the Mexican people, where Cinco de Mayo took place in 1862 against the [[French]] military, even before Corona beer. The Mexicans know how to fight rival ethnic gangs. Surprise!--The French surrendered. The city of Puebla is surrounded by several volcanic peaks, good luck when it [[asplodes]]. It is dominated by state-owned construction conglomorate CEMEX. Although downtown Puebla is known for its centuries-old colonial era buildings, many are being demolished to make room for new malls and shopping centers. When questioned why a mall was of greater value than a 560-year-old landmark, CEMEX executives simply reply, "Because you're stupid."
 
 
;Querétaro
 
Querétaro played a key role in the founding of Mexico. But that's over and done, and now, it's one of the small states where there's not much to do.
 
 
;Quintana Roo
 
Known for one thing and one thing only: Cancún. But [[Cuba]] is just 100 kms. away. Where else to smuggle in drugs, weapons and political refugees to? From Cancún, you can fly into Miami, Florida. A free 3-day vacation package--or a somewhat longer federal prison sentence.
 
 
;San Luis Potosí
 
Is that a polytechnic college town in Central [[California]]?
 
 
;Sinaloa
 
Mexico's own California.
 
 
;Sonora
 
Mexico's own Arizona.
 
 
;Tabasco
 
Along the Gulf of Mexico (one of 100 nationalistic geopolitical topographical names), Tabasco is the poor man's Tampico and the next big thing since Cancún. Tabasqueños claim the recipe for [[Tabasco]] hot sauce was stolen by [[French]] [[White trash|hicks]] from [[Louisiana]]. Therefore it's time for a draw. Let's see who's better with a knife. (It's the Mexican.)
 
 
;Tamaulipas
 
This is an exciting region of southern Texas. You can't tell your way around in Laredo, Texas. The Rio Grande hasn't kept Mexicans out of Texas.
 
 
;Tlaxcala
 
WTF? I can't say it, nor spell it. Spanish is such a hard language.
 
   
;Veracruz
+
The Mexican [[Army]] is prepared for the next period of total anarchy and insurrection. It will have hot meals ready for all the U.S. forces sent in to restore order.
Where Fernando Cortez first landed in 1520, he thought he was in India, and the Aztecs thought he was God. Either way, Cortez got all their gold.
 
   
;Yucatán
+
Between conflicts, the Army trains by stopping and inspecting cars on rural national highways. Soldiers are paid a stingy salary but can supplement their income with [[Bribe|tips]].
Like Mexico, Yucatán refers to several things: the state and the entire peninsula. For example,
 
Cancún is on the Yucatán, but it's not in Yucatán; it's in Quintana Roo. The peninsula is covered with Mayan temples and left-wing Zapatista militants from [[Chiapas]]. If you get lost in the rain forests, look for signs of civilization thanks to timber workers cutting down thousands of square miles of trees.
 
   
;Zacatecas
+
The typical Mexican soldier carries both a battle rifle and a submachine gun. He can switch weapons by pressing Y, and jump by tapping the A button.
You can think of this as "New [[Texas]]" (the name [[New Mexico]] is already taken). The city has a tramway and check out the view from the mountain. But be careful of the UFOs known to be seen repeatedly over it. ZAP! BANG! No more tram cars.
 
   
 
== Tourism ==
 
== Tourism ==
Mexico is famous for its bitches... er, I mean, beaches. Come for the kidnappings, stay for the STDs!
+
{{main|Mexico tourism brochure}}
  +
The wise tourist who hears a tout suggesting that he "come to the bitches" understands that it is just the persistent Mexican way of pronouncing English, and that the tout is actually suggesting a day trip to the ocean shore. However, regarding bitches, both Tijuana and Juárez have a thriving theater district where the same co-star with a variety of barnyard [[animal]]s.
   
Tijuana is a popular tourist attraction, as it futures the highest hooker-to-horny teen ratio in North America.
+
Cancún and Acapulco are tourist spots to U.S. standards, and compare favorably to any other place to spend [[spring break]]. Any waitperson is trained to explain to the customer in either language how the local water treatment plant was built to international standards (not just to "nom nom nom") and there is little risk of a debilitating bacterial infection. Nevertheless, the tourist need not tempt fate by ordering his mixed drink on the rocks.
Most people from the US and Europe arrive to see what they believe is Mexico according to funny cartoons and old movies, so politicians deliberately leave enormous sections of the country undeveloped for the tourists to see. Like the traditional donkey riders or the big sombreros (which in Mexico go by the term: [[hat]]).
 
   
== Notable (And Not-Able) Presidents of Mexico ==
+
The Gulf Coast is the only place left in the world where Americans are warmly welcomed, as the usual clientele is [[Canadian]], and Americans, by comparison, do tend to tip in double digits.
[[Image:0000S&W108282ME.jpg|right|thumb|180px|This basically sums up the mexican government]]
 
[[File:Felipe Calderon Sexy.jpg|thumb|left|Felipe Calderon hanging with some of his "special freinds". Ever notice how he's always hanging around with guys, i mean i'm just saying.]]
 
[[Image:Un_poquito.jpg|right|thumb|78px|Felipe tells us <s> about the size of his penis!</s> how much the healthcare budget will grow under his presidency!]]
 
*Guadalupe Victoria: The first president. Not to be blamed for the mess Mexico currently is.*
 
 
*Did you know that 70% of the mexican presidents shoppped at Victorias Secret...for themselves.
 
 
*Vicente Guerrero: first and only black president of Mexico. Obivously removed and shot by [[The Usual Suspects|Conservatives]].
 
 
*Benito Juárez: Fought for the separation between <s>evil</s> church and state. First American Indian to be elected <s>emperor</s> president and coincidentally the last.
 
 
*Porfirio Díaz: Invented reelection. A new number in [[mathematics]] had to be invented to count the number of times he got elected and governed. He also instaured the only train lines that exist in Mexico, the first electricity installattions and the subway. He also tried to get away from making deals with the US.
 
 
*Pedro Lascuráin: Ruled for half an hour in 1913. Did not have the time to screw up the country and therefore considered one of the most successful presidents ever.
 
 
*Álvaro Obregón: Lost his arm on the battlefield and his life in a restaurant.
 
 
*Miguel Alemán: Leader of the famous "Golden Age" of Mexico when rivers flowed with milk and honey, and chocolate bon-bons would occasionally shower the peasants' spontaneous festivals of joy. (Source: My mom, who claims that we're distantly related to him.)
 
 
*Gustavo Díaz Ordaz: Third chimp president in Mexico.
 
 
*Luis Echeverría: Set new standards for incompetence and mismanagement. General opinion was that it couldn't possibilly get any worse. But that was before power was handed over power to...
 
 
*José López Portillo y Pacheco: He managed what no other mexican president could do - skyrocket inflation to an astounding 156&023K48A98M4902% in his six years of service. He was also the first [[dog]] ever to take charge in the world with people often barking at him.
 
 
*Lazaro Cardenas: Another one of their worst presidents. Mexico 1985: an earthquake, a volcanic eruption, the 75th anniversary of the constitution, the World Cup (second one in 16 years) and Halley's Comet of doom. Mexico establishes a spanish language propaganda channel known as Univision, and promotes mass migration of its poor to the north ever since.
 
 
*Carlos Salinas de Gortari: Known for making Mexico America's garbage can.
 
 
*Manuel Labor: Embodied the spirit of Mexico and its people like no other president. Mexican voters related to him in an unprecedented manner.
 
 
*Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de León: If you're a PRI follower, he's the bastard who handed in power to the opposition. If you're anybody else, he's the bastard who handed in power to incompetent fools and religious zealots.
 
 
*Vicente Fox: Father of [[Michael J. Fox]] and author of the book ''"How to erase the dividing line between church and state"'' in a co-authorship with Pat Robertson. First mentally challenged person from an opposition party to be elected for office. He had a great ability to fuck things up internationally everytime he spoke.
 
 
*Felipe Calderón Hinojosa: Like Vicente Fox 2.0 but half the height and with an extreme Napoleon complex.
 
 
* Maximiliano Profirio Huerta Jong-Il: Liked running around the border pulling down outhouses and shooting himself in the head. Not a particularly notable president, but he did encourage the Zapatista rebels to wear raincoats.
 
 
*George W. Bush wanted to have a war with Mexico, but they didn't harbor any Islamic terrorists...and won't sell any of its oil.
 
 
==Bloodbath==
 
[[Image:00000000053021643.jpg|thumb|left|Most sporting events in Mexico end like this.]]
 
Recently They Won The Bloodbath World Cup 1970,1986,And 2002.They Also Missed The Trip To The Bloodbath World Cup 2006,Due To The Loss Of Money Like [[Nigeria]].
 
 
==Notable Mexicans==
 
===General===
 
* [[Bender|Bender B. Rodríguez]]
 
* King ([[Tekken]] series)
 
* Memo Herdez "el Grande"
 
* Speedy González
 
* El Santo
 
* Rosa Meleño
 
* Alma Marcela Silva de Alegria.
 
* Edgar
 
* ¡Y tu mamá también! ([[Your Mom]] too!)
 
* Cardenal Gasponte
 
 
===Entertainment===
 
[[File:Mexico_stereotype.png|thumb|right|What most people think of when you mention Mexican entertainers.]]
 
* Pedro Armendariz
 
* Pedro Armendariz Jr.
 
* Belinda
 
* Jannette Chao
 
* Ana Gabriel
 
* Salma Hayek
 
* Patricia Manterola
 
* Sara Ramirez
 
* Paulina Rubio
 
* Tatiana
 
* Thalia
 
* Gloria Trevi
 
* [[Speedy Gonzalez]]
 
* Panchito Pistoles
 
 
===Illegal immigration===
 
* Just about all of them
 
 
===Sports===
 
* Oscar de la Hoya
 
* Lorena Ochoa
 
 
[[Image:Cain-velasquez-knocks-out-nogueira.jpg‎ |thumb|right|250px| Cain "You are or you are not very Mexican?" Velasquez knocking out Brazilian Antonio Minotauro Nogueira.]]
 
* [[Cain Velasquez]]
 
 
== All your ''election'' are belong to us ==
 
[[Image:All_your_base_AMLO_FECAL.gif|right|thumb|250px|The ultimate battle for power. TAKE OFF EVERY VOTE!]]
 
[[Image:!0mexicanofficer.png|thumb|right|140px|Mexico was the first country to succesfully pull off the "vote or die" campaign. (1910)]]
 
- In A.D 2006... <br>
 
- ''Election was beginning.''<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' What happen ? It's a compló[t]!<br>
 
- '''Leonel Cota:''' Somebody set up us the '''fraud'''.<br>
 
- '''Claudia Sheinbaum:''' We get signal.<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' What you say! this show the great complot against me, '''everyone''' is against me! - teh PAN, teh PRI, teh CISEN, teh government, Vicente Fox, Carlos Salinas, the people, the politicians!! <br>
 
- '''Loenel Cota:''' Uhmm... ok. Main screen turn on.<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' It's you !! It's a compló[t]!<br>
 
- '''Felipe Calderón:''' How are you gentlemen !!<br>
 
- '''Felipe Calderón:''' '''All your ''election''''' are belong to us.<br>
 
- '''Felipe Calderón:''' You are on the way to destruction.<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' What you say!! It's a compló[t]!<br>
 
- '''Felipe Calderón:''' You have no chance to challenge election make your time.<br>
 
- '''Felipe Calderón:''' Ha ha ha ha ....<br>
 
- '''Leonel Cota:''' Captain !!<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' Take off every VOTE!! It's a compló[t]!<br>
 
- '''Leonel Cota:''' You know what you doing.<br>
 
- '''Leonel Cota:''' Move 'file for election to high court'.<br>
 
- '''AMLO:''' It's a compló[t]!. I was counting to rule and steal like my hero Zambo Chavez in Venezuela!!
 
   
 
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Revision as of 22:40, July 28, 2012

For the original version of this article, see here.

México
Estados Unidos Norteamericanos Pero No Tan Norte
United States of America of Mexico
Mexico police state flag
Seal
Flag Coat of Arms
Anthem: "José Can You See"
INewGreatMexicanReichMaP
Capital Mexico City
Largest city Taco Bell
Official language(s) Spanglish, Aztec, and something resembling Spanish (ya mero)
National Hero(es) Subcomandante Marcos, El Peje, El Tigre, Zorro, and Pancho Villa
Declaration
 of Independence
From Spain: 1610
From USA: Pending
From Soccer: Never
Currency Peso, Dollar, and Marijuana
Population Five; the rest are chilangos
Major exports Hydrocarbons, narcotics, warm bodies, such as cooks and gardeners
Major imports All its culture and other American hand-me-downs
“Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result, means that you are in Mexico.”

Mexico is a Latin American country that pairs total social dysfunction with a population that never asks why nothing works but patiently waits for things to be different later.

Mexico is bordered to the north by the United States, though the border is vague and moving further north; and on the south by several even scarier places such as El Humidor, with which the border doesn't matter.

Mexico comprises 31 states, two territories aptly referred to as "B.C.", and three districts: a Federal District that is like Washington, D.C. but even smoggier, and the districts of Cancún and Acapulco, except that they are districts of the United States.

Mexico was originally populated by the Aztecs and Mayans. They perfected the ritual killing of youngsters, long before the invention of the automobile, and predicted that the world would end soon. They were conquered by the Spaniards, who preached that the world would never end. In 1821, Mexico declared its independence, and modern Mexicans wonder why it is taking so long for the world to end.

Among American Presidents, Barack Obama surely thought he was in Mexico when he promised Americans that things would be different if they would only "hope" for "change." And, ¡ay, Chihuahua! he got away with it. And George W. Bush surely meant Mexico when he referred to the people who "are only doing the jobs that Americans won't do (at least, at the shabby wages we want to pay them)." These jobs include serving spicy meals that induce pain the next day, blowing off court dates, and making snap decisions to leave the expressway despite cruising in the fast lane.

History

The Aztec Empire

Xiuhcoatl

The Holy Fire Dragon Xiuhcoatl goes out for a morning stroll.

Quetzalcoatl

The name Quetzalcoatl means "freaky fucking weird ass snake demon rape thingy."

The Aztecs first occupied Mexico. They used a highly accurate calendar. However, as it had no concept of time zones, it is utterly useless today, except as something to put on the backs of coins, and as a basis for conspiracy theories and feature films about the arrival from outer space of giant illegal aliens.

The Aztecs are best known (thanks to minorities scholar Mel Gibson) for human sacrifice. But new archaeology suggests they never practiced it. The conquistadors who saw blood splattered on every wall were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after a successful heart-removal procedure. Even today, some tourists mistakenly believe they are in an Aztec temple when visiting a Mexican hospital that still specializes in such procedures. The well-organized Aztec ambulance system could transport patients from Huitzilopochtli to Tlaxcatlan Hospital in under three hours. The Aztec language, and the resulting epidemic of sprained tongues, is what made effective health care so vital.

In short, Aztecs were cute, cuddly, soft-spoken, and damned good at crossword puzzles and cross-stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture (except for the occasional ritual murder of children) would still be with us today if it hadn't been for the arrival of bothersome white people.

Spaniards Gone Wild

Aztec spanish fight

The Aztec response to Spanish colonization of Mexico is still used today as a prime example of diplomacy at work.

Francisco Hernández de Córdoba was the first European to visit Mexico. He came in search of slaves. However, on outlining his proposition (historians believe it went like, "Would you like to engage in hard labor for no pay until dying at a very early age?") his troops were chased back to their boats.

Later, Cortes took the precautionary move of burning the boats so there would be no turning back. Taco Bell had not reached the coast in those days, so Cortes and his men crossed the rugged mountains to the Valley of Mexico to meet with King Moctezuma. Amazingly, Moctezuma believed that Cortes was the god Quetzalcoatl, who according to prophecy would return some day and teach the Aztecs words they could actually pronounce. This would not be the first time Mexico's leaders would sell their people a pig in a poke. By the mid-1500s, the Spaniards had taken over.

Modern Mexico is a delightful blend of all these cultures. From Spain, the Mexicans took bullfighting, bull-running down narrow city streets, and bull-throwing in 31 separate state legislatures. From the Mayans, we see a tendency to leave the native land; also, a tendency not to know the correct date. And from the Aztecs, the Mexicans preserve the unique tradition of violence, in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military juntas, and hostile takeovers.

Spaniards gone away

In 1810, Miguel Hidalgo shouted the famous Grito de Dolores that statesmen repeat each Independence Day:

Cquote1 Hey Dolores, look at me! I'm up here on stage! Erm, Long live our Lady of Guacamole! Death to all Spaniards! Is this thing on? Cquote2

The Mexicans got the message and told the Spaniards to piss off. Only eleven short and bloody years later, Hidalgo had been captured and executed, likewise the next guy, and Iturbide received his orders to finish off the rebels. But he switched sides and defeated the Spaniards. Then he switched sides again and made himself the government. The Mexicans could not do anything because, at that point, they were too dizzy.

Heady with the victory that had made the Spaniards go away, the Mexicans turned their attention to making Iturbide go away. A man named Santa Ana proved up to the task, and the task was putting himself in Iturbide's place. He became President four times, often even as the result of an election. Santa Ana fought fierce military battles with the United States. They featured showy victories at places like the Alamo, which made it easy to forget the losses, which included all of Texas, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Colorado, and Wyoming. Can't win 'em all. Arizona he didn't lose in battle but sold fair-and-square.

First attempts at turbulent government

In 1858, the Mexican Congress elected Ciudad Juárez to be President. He was driven out of Mexico City and started his own Mexico in a city named Ciudad Juárez. The two Mexicos started fighting, and the United States allied with Juárez, until he got very late paying his bills. Napoleon thought he had a solution (just take over the whole country), but it didn't last. Juárez took back over, had a pleasant little firing squad for his replacement, and enjoyed five more good years until Porfirio Díaz took over.

Patriotic themes

MaximilianoVsJuarez

The battle for the throne of the Mexican Empire is depicted in the popular SEGA Genesis game.

The turbulent periods in the Mexican past provide many patriotic images that inspire citizens during the turbulent periods in the Mexican present.

Grito de Guerra

The Grito de Guerra (call to arms) rouses Mexicans to defend the Fatherland against hypothetical future invasions (not that invaders are exactly lining up to be the first) using the key tactic of making loud noises, which most Mexicans do capably even in peacetime. The Grito is featured in the Mexican National Anthem, which was written by Bocanegra during a brief period of spousal abuse. His part in the abuse was to write a song with ten tedious verses. The song is abbreviated at soccer matches so that it will be over before halftime.

Niños Héroes

The Niños Héroes (Baby Heroes) illustrate the other prime Mexican strategy for fending off foreign invasion: Play the guilt card. This commemorates the Battle of Chapultepec, although the defenders, six military cadets, were not exactly babies, and were not exactly heroes. However, in this Mexican version of the Alamo, the six responded to certain defeat not by fighting to the last man, but by wrapping themselves in the Mexican flag and jumping off the wall to their deaths. This is why the current Mexican five-year economic plan so strongly resembles a suicide pact.

Even more turmoil

SpeedyGonzales

A poster put up by the border patrol.

In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Famous criminal Speedy Gonzales stole approximately 6 million Old New Pesos (which would have ensured the fill-up of his getaway car) from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancún, and Toluca. President Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone made repeated attempts to apprehend Speedy, each one resulting in hilarious Technicolor pratfalls.

In 1972, a massive grass-roots campaign elected a write-in candidate named Pedro. Now, as often happens when you land at the airport and tell someone you have a car reservation with Avis, a throng of Mexicans sprang up, all of them claiming to have the desired name. One of them took office, quickly captured Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico. The country fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned, to be distinguished from the previous and following phases where corruption and narcotraffic reigned.

But two Mexican patriots, El Mariachi and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly battled Mexican drug lords and the crime network of El Santo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico. You can still see them in action from the comic books of the period.

This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away. He was succeeded by Antonio Banderas, who eliminated the vigilantes within months.

Government

Mordor

The Mexican capitol. In the background is a Pemex refinery producing perfectly safe amounts of Skittles.

Mexico operates under the Constitution of 1917, written by the same inspiration that also gave us the Soviet Union, and with mostly the same effects. The official name of the country is The United States of America of Mexico and many aspects are copied from the U.S. One aspect that is not, is the requirement that amendments to the Constitution be approved by a lot of people, and the hefty document that has resulted is used more often to lift small children to the dinner table than is the Mexico City telephone book. The Constitution is also used more often for that purpose than it is used to determine whether an action of government is legitimate or not.

Mexico serves as a useful laboratory to prove that attractive reforms often proposed in other countries, such as a longer Presidential term, a prohibition on re-election, short, structured campaigns, and compulsory voting, do not change a thing.

000000ogo20pemex

The Pemex logo features a red droplet that represents an oil worker's blood.

The Institutional Revolutionary Party had complete control of the Mexican government since 1929. One can see how revolution can be institutional by looking at the water in a toilet just after operating the little lever. Vested interests could still purchase favors, but by competing inside the party rather than with the party. However, in 2000, Mexico surprised everyone by holding a fair election, which the National Action Party won. The result was neither national action nor anything much different from the other guys. After 12 years of pro-business government (for those in the business of running drugs), the people decided that corrupt autocracy had been just fine.

The government is not the only thing that imitates the United States. Everything else does too, only it has "mex" added as a suffix. The telephone monopoly is Telmex, the petroleum monopoly is Pemex, and the country itself was recently renamed Mexmex.

Congress

The Mexican legislature wins originality points by being called "Congress" and consisting of two chambers. One is the Chamber of Deputies; which would leave the Chamber of Sheriffs. In each house, half of the seats are voted on through representative districts. Half of the remainder are decided by dividing Mexico into five parts based on nothing and having everyone vote on their favorite car. The political parties decide who gets these seats, one of the many ways that relieve Mexicans of their surprise (and of anyone to complain to) when what they vote for is not what they get. The other seats can be acquired for cash.

The bureaucracy

Every family has one member employed in government. He uses his staff car to run errands for family members, sometimes even for aunts and uncles. Most of these errands involve waiting in line, which he can do with confidence that the citizens waiting in line to see him will stay there even longer. Being a member of the bureaucracy usually ensures a person of an ample supply of Christmas gifts for the entire family.

Foreign policy

Mexico's border policy depends on whether we are talking "northern border" or "southern border."

To the south, policy involves an absolute prohibition on anyone entering or leaving, a system of strict work permits, and frequent imprisonment of offenders in squalid jails on vague charges, all of the above depending on whether suitable bribes are paid.

To the north, policy involves nuisance fees that must be paid with a U.S. credit card and frequent overtures to the U.S. President and Congress to let Mexican citizens swarm in with impunity and not use English, all of the above depending on whether suitable bribes are paid.

The requirement on both borders that bribes be paid is an example of the consistency demanded by Section 532 of the Mexican Constitution, only that page seems to be missing from my copy.

Economy

Main article: Failure

The Mexican economy has been plundered for over 90 years and continues to provide for the entire nation. There is frenzied activity as throngs of consumers move from one line to another and exchange pieces of paper for new, improved pieces of paper, many of which now have holograms.

Money

Pesos

Honey, we're rich!!!

Mexico's currency is called the peso. That is, each of Mexico's currencies is called the peso; and you need to learn the pictures and maybe check the fine print with the year of issue to tell whether you are being given New Pesos, Really New Pesos, New Improved Pesos, or those worthless Old Pesos. There is always a cartoon advertisement on television with decimal points playing hopscotch over zeros (three at a time) to give a cheerful illustration about how the $40,000.00 in your pocket will henceforth be known as $40 and will still not pay the complete bill for lunch. This is the reason why, up in the hills, they don't ask, "How many pesos for that chair?" but "How many thousands for that chair?" and they don't mean thousands.

Property

NOM

The Norma Oficial Mexicana is an assurance of quality like the traditional guarantee that most Mexican prostitutes are virgins.

About the only thing on which the Mexican Constitution is clear is that nobody owns anything. You are welcome to maintain that house on Enemies of the Proletariat Avenue, and you can exercise "stewardship" forever over that small piece of the National Patrimony, but don't think that you own it. Foreigners can also be stewards of property, only not within 200 km of a national border or 300 km of a coastline. Unless you find a Mexican willing to sign the legal papers for a small fee.

If the place comes with a maid and a chauffeur, and if they belong to a union, their rights to the place may be in competition with yours as the new "steward." Likewise if there is a gentleman living in a tent in the back yard. The key thing to remember is that money talks--and not the amount you paid to acquire the place.

Your children, on the other hand, will generally do what you ask them to. This is why most Mexicans realize that the only way to build a nest egg for retirement is to have fourteen kids. It helps that locally available condoms comply with the Official Mexican Standards for quality. These quality standards, known by the Spanish acronym NOM, certify the highest dependability that mind-numbing regulations and bribe-taking inspectors can deliver. The only higher rating is the triple award, pronounced "nom nom nom."

NAFTA

MEXICANBUSINESSMAN

The terrifying Mexican businessman survives by consuming failing American corporations. In completely unrelated news, have you checked your GM stock lately?

“Iss not that we don' have jobs! Iss our job to be here!”
~ Customs Agent Juan Enchilada de Serrano on NAFTA

NAFTA (the North American Free Trade Agreement) has resulted in many new jobs for Mexicans, mostly ensuring that all products have tedious labels in three languages that are too small to read. NAFTA is enforced by a network of Walmart stores, which now exist in every major city. The people don't shop there, however, as they find full shelves disconcerting and there are no cockroaches for the children to prod and tease.

As the National Action Party is known by its Spanish initials, which spell out "bread", NAFTA is sometimes referred to as naphtha, which is the same technique of convincing the Mexican people of something by suggesting that it might be good to eat.

NAFTA comprised more than 1000 pages, which is 1000 pages more than you would need if you were really after free trade. But inspectors to confirm that every shipment complies with the detailed rules for "liberalization" are another great new jobs program.

Carlos Slim

It is no stranger that they call this guy "slim" than that they call Felipe Calderón "President."

Since the treaty took effect in 1994, the Mexican people have been terrified of losing all their jobs to superior American quality—almost as terrified as the American people are of losing all their jobs to cheap Mexican labor. If the zone's 210,000,000 jobs all left at the same time, they would surely all wind up in the middle of the Rio Grande. This would hamper barge traffic but might increase the river's utility for sneaking into the United States.

Carlos Slim

The most remarkable thing of all is that this dirt-poor economy has produced the world's richest person. If no one is allowed to own anything in Mexico, no one told Carlos "Slim" Helú. This billionaire businessman has his own section in an article in UNCYCLOPEDIA, even though he is not really a "businessman," in the usual G-7 sense, and he is not really slim.

Mr. Helú owns a controlling stake in Telmex and thus derives a chunk-of-change, which is not slim either, every time a telephone is installed in Mexico, and may obtain a portion of the extra payment made to ensure that the installation is made without waiting the usual six months.

Mr. Helú is about to demonstrate Mexicans' notorious adaptability, as a majority of the nation has torn the telephone off the wall and gone cellular--even before the U.S. did.

Toll roads

!0mexicantank

It is commonplace and ordinary in Mexico for unusual vehicles to appear on the front lawn. Except that there are no lawns.

Some Polynesians think the reason cargo planes with hot meals landed during World War II is that there were airports; and they still build bamboo "control towers" and wait. Likewise, Mexico decided it could be as rich as the United States by merely building Interstates. These now go halfway to everywhere the traveler wants to be. Moreover, new speed bumps in the old road at every little village induce the traveler to take the expressway.

Unfortunately, someone learned about tolls during a visit to Tokyo, and the resulting fares mean that the only people who use expressways are truckers and Americans. Most tolls are still collected by private entreprise, at toll booths consisting of a tree felled across the road. The highway-user's only protection against the highway-man is not to disclose that he has a lot of cash in the vehicle. This can only be achieved by not using the toll roads.

Military

Hatredcopter

Mexican Army helicopters run on the tears of orphaned children.

Mexico's armed forces are never to be used in conflicts against other nations. The southern border is defended by the fact that neighboring countries are even more disorganized and generally at war with one another instead. The northern border is not defended at all; that would keep everyone from getting to work in the morning.

The Mexican Army is prepared for the next period of total anarchy and insurrection. It will have hot meals ready for all the U.S. forces sent in to restore order.

Between conflicts, the Army trains by stopping and inspecting cars on rural national highways. Soldiers are paid a stingy salary but can supplement their income with tips.

The typical Mexican soldier carries both a battle rifle and a submachine gun. He can switch weapons by pressing Y, and jump by tapping the A button.

Tourism

The wise tourist who hears a tout suggesting that he "come to the bitches" understands that it is just the persistent Mexican way of pronouncing English, and that the tout is actually suggesting a day trip to the ocean shore. However, regarding bitches, both Tijuana and Juárez have a thriving theater district where the same co-star with a variety of barnyard animals.

Cancún and Acapulco are tourist spots to U.S. standards, and compare favorably to any other place to spend spring break. Any waitperson is trained to explain to the customer in either language how the local water treatment plant was built to international standards (not just to "nom nom nom") and there is little risk of a debilitating bacterial infection. Nevertheless, the tourist need not tempt fate by ordering his mixed drink on the rocks.

The Gulf Coast is the only place left in the world where Americans are warmly welcomed, as the usual clientele is Canadian, and Americans, by comparison, do tend to tip in double digits.

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