Mexico

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“Mexique est un country de merde.”

~ Some French guy on Mexico, before getting pwned by your grandfather

Mexico Heavy Industries Corporation©
"Der Aztek Großdeutschesreich"
Jägdchtellltessecktell Häuxdremmvessierhalgd Xstrienöhgntriemhalgdtxschteknickrätxlaidecktell Vöhrdrommüngdschxvier Megdchxschickatell!!!
¡¡Majesterium of the Mexikan Empirium!!
Federative Defense Industry Consortium of the Imperial Crown of Pemex-Tenochtitlan of His Majesty Felipe Calderons Military Federation of the Mexican Anime Fanboy Nationalized Emo Republican Peoples Non-Democratic Corporate Manufacturing Factory State

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: ¡Fuck Venezuela!
Anthem: "Jose Can You See";"Mexican Radio" by Wall of Voodoo
Capital	Mexico City, also known as Tenochdtitlänn, Nacotitlan, Tikal, Chilangolandia, Guachilandia, and Perth Amboy
Largest city	Los Ángeles
Official languages	Aztek, Mexican, one version of Spanish, Spanich, Spanglish and Nahuatl
Government	Two presidents at the same time, one pseudo-Communist government, the other under direct orders from George W. Bush Sarah Palin and Benedict XVI. Also Nationalist facism and a glue stick.
Owner	The Pope
President	Carlos slim Helu (fat)
Vice President	General Greasy
National Hero(es)	Subcomandante Marcos, El Peje, Zorro, El Chavo del Ocho, Capulina, Luis Miguel, Chapulín Colorado,Chabelo, Cornholio Diego Maradona (soccer[1][2]) and Pancho Villa
Declaration of Independence	From Spain: 1610 From USA: 1500 From Soccer: Never
Currency	Peso, Dollar,Droga, Cacao beans
Religion	Guadalupanismo (Tonantzinismo)
Population	0
Ethnic groups	2% Mexicans, 12% Indigenous, 65% Guatemalan, 41% El Salvadoran, 37% Honduran, 1% 18yr olds who cross over to get wasted, and are soon-to-be permanent Mexicans in a Mexican prison.

also known as Old Mexico, Der Monteßzümerian Reichsrepüblik, Estados esturded Unidos Mexicanos, (trans. "We're deep in sh*t o' Mexico") or its native Aztec name is a European nation that is commonly known for being that rampant world of corruption and repression.It is well known that "fiestas" are in fact badass parties where you can easily get drunk. Famous for providing one of the most cheap yet despised labor forces in the world (after China), Mexico struggles to find its role in a new and strange globalised economy, where selling tequila to underage gringos who hop over the border just doesn't make the ends meet anymore. Mexico was also recently sued by Texaco for the "Exaco" sound copyright.It is the world's number one exporter of corn and poor people, excluding Africa & Asia. Oh yea, oil too... lot's of it.

Contents 1 History 1.1 The Aztec Empire 1.2 European Intervention 1.3 Independence 1.4 First Mexican Empire 1.5 Second Mexican Empire 1.6 Turbulent Times 1.7 Pedro's Mexico 1.8 The Narcocracy 2 Government 2.1 Native Mexicans Still Living in Mexico Besides the Government 3 Cuisene 4 Economy 5 The Emo Scourge 6 Military 7 Exports 8 Imports 9 How do they do it?! 10 Language 10.1 Useful Aztek phrases and their Translations 10.2 Useful Spanish phrases and their Translations 11 Law Enforcment 12 Important Cities 13 Mexico's States 13.1 Aguascalientes 13.2 Baja California 13.3 Baja California Sur 13.4 Campeche 13.5 Chiapas 13.6 Chihuahua 13.7 Coahuila 13.8 Colima 13.9 Distrito Federal (Federal District) 13.10 Durango 13.11 Guanajuato 13.12 Guerrero 13.13 Hidalgo 13.14 Jalisco 13.15 Mexico State 13.16 Michoacán 13.17 Morelos 13.18 Nayarit 13.19 Nuevo León 13.20 Oaxaca 13.21 Puebla 13.22 Querétaro 13.23 Quintana Roo 13.24 San Luis Potosí 13.25 Sinaloa 13.26 Sonora 13.27 Tabasco 13.28 Tamaulipas 13.29 Tlaxcala 13.30 Veracruz 13.31 Yucatán 13.32 Zacatecas 14 Tourism 15 Notable (And Not-Able) Presidents of Mexico 16 Bloodbath 17 Notable Mexicans 17.1 General 17.2 Entertainment 17.3 Sports 18 All your election are belong to us

History

The Aztec Empire

The Aztec were the first to use high tech weaponry. 'Az' was the Aztec word for 'high', and since they were a race of giants they called themselves Az-techs. Their empire reached its peak during World War II, in which the Aztec stormed the beaches at the Battle of Galapagos, breaking the Inca control on the region.

The Az-techs had a variety of weapons, and the most famous was a mind-controlled electromagnetic experimental unit. Their most feared weapon was a robotic eagle, eating snakes and cacti. Unfortunately the Spanish carried computer viruses, damaging the Az-tech systems.

Another example of Az-tech weaponry, were their super heavy proton cannons, which were so heavy, it took the combined power of 2 ants to move it across battlefields. They fired extremely dense beams of protons at their enemies but were finally considered obsolete due to the shortage of ants to move them.

The Aztec also used a highly accurate calendar. Since they were not aware of time zones however, the Aztec calendar is completely useless today. Eccept when paranoid people want somethig to rant on about, like in 2040 there will be a giant alien that god created called Niubriu and he will eat Heaven Earth and Hell.

The Aztec are perhaps best known for human sacrifice which, as new archaeological evidence suggests, they never practiced. It is most likely that the Spanish conquistadors, who saw blood splattered on walls everywhere, were not aware they were actually visiting an Aztec hospital after successful heart removal. Even today some tourists mistakenly believe they visit Aztec temples while they are actually visiting Aztec hospitals. Indeed, the Mayo clinic derives its name from the Mayan Indians who learned about open heart surgery from the Aztec.

Furthermore the Aztec had a remarkably well organized ambulance system. Despite the lack of politicians and the Internet, carriers managed to carry ill patients from Huitzilopochtli to Tlaxcatlan Hospital in less than three hours. It is said that the Aztec High-Priest Ahuizotl personally healed 80.000 ill patients during the inauguration of Monctezuma in 1487, when he should have been initiating a war against Singapore.

In short, Aztec were cute, cuddly, soft spoken and damn good at crossword puzzles and cross stitch. Their placid and idyllic culture would still be with us today if it hadn't been for those meany Europeans, sickening the native population with colourfully animated, yet ultimately boring, speeches about burning in hell and Jesus and pot-bellied elephants and so on and so forth.

The most famous sport for the Aztec was called "Hechtol Neotyl" or "Little Whining Calf With A Shriveled Rectum". Not much is known about the ancient sport, but it is said they played the game for weeks on end. The rules were simple, no sexual intercourse with the "tight" calf, and no Escalades. The goal was to pick up the calf, hurl it onto your back, then run down field trying to get the calf to puke. If it did, the victorious team would then proceed to rip out the rectum and smack the opposing team with it. While simultaneously being barraged by the rotting, bloody, shriveled rectum, they would try to grab the rectum back, if anyone puked on either team, that man would then get his rectum torn from underneath and the other team members would receive it to continue smacking others in the face. The rectum-less man would then be eliminated and the game continued until all players from one team were rectum-less. To decide which team would carry the calf down-field first they decided to kill a slave girl and guess what color blood would spill. A popular guess was red.

Many Aztec are still alive today, surviving undercover as normal people across the world. The Aztec discovered the secret of immortality, and in order to protect the secret, faked the destruction of their own empire. A remnant of the old Aztec Empire still exists today, spear-headed by none other than Bill Gates, the last king of the Aztec Empire. The new Aztec Empire is named Im~Ake~T~Hin~Gsthatsux, also known as Microsoft in the English language.

File:Example.jpg

European Intervention

Mexico was discovered for the very first time by the Viking Maciek in the 15th Century, but he needed to leave in order to go to the final concert of Metallurgica. Then, the Spanish rediscovered it when they found a highly advanced society of humans who had merely stumbled upon the land accidentally. As such, they executed, enslaved, and poisoned them until they managed to take over.

Soon, Mexican culture began to form out of a mix of the Spanish and the natives, by taking the very worst of both worlds and putting them together into an incoherent society. From Spain, they took Bull running, in which Bulls are angered and then forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling. The Day of the Dead was also taken from Spain, where the dead are dug up and forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling.

From the Maya, a tendency to leave one's country was inherited and is still seen to this day. From the Aztec, a unique tradition of violence was kept in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military junta's and hostile takeovers that would plague the country for much of its history.

Independence

On May 5th, 1810, Mexico declared itself independent from the Spanish empire. Spain quickly retaliated, by sinking the Mayo, Mexico's only ship. This day is commemorated as 'sink'o de Mayo' day.

In Monterrey, the 'Taco Bell' was first raised into the bell tower at Taco Hall to mark Mexico's independence. The clearly visible crack in the bell is a result cheap Chinese slave labor labor. Due to this, the bell inspires pride and patriotism throughout Mexico to this day.

First Mexican Empire

Not that interesting, lets' move on

Second Mexican Empire

In 1864 Napoleon III thought that he could set up an empire in Mexico so he sent his vast armies into mexico who were than defeated by starving farmers armed with pitch forks and rocks once again proving french military supremcy. It all came down to a supreme battle between Emperor Maximillian and Benito Juarez. Emperor Maximilian used a sword and Benito Juarez had him shot with a 12-man firing squad.

Maximilian was aided by conservatives (Read: Rich folk and rich clergy). Fortunatley for the country's sake, these people were vanquished, and they never, ever gained enough power to take over and screw up the country more again...

...OK, let's carry on.

Turbulent Times

In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Speedy Gonzales, a famous mexican criminal, stole approximately 6 Million Worthlos, or 50 Dollars, from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancun, and Toluca. Unsuccessful and often humorous attempts were led by President Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone to capture Speedy, all resulting in failure.

In 1972, a massive grass roots campaign was led to elect Pedro as the write in candidate. Pedro was entirely unknown, but nonetheless won the election. Quickly he captured Speedy Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico.

Pedro's Mexico

After the popular capture of the criminal Speedy Gonzales, Mexico fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotraffic reigned. Pedro's weak rule allowed for the country to fall into further decadence.

However, where the government failed, the citizenry excelled. Two Mexican patriots, El Mariachi and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly made battle against Mexican drug lords, and the crime network of El Santo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico.

This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away and was succeeded by Antonio Banderas. Banderas eliminated the vigilantes within months.

Pedro continued to do nothing as President, until in the 1990's he co-founded NAFTA.

“It isn't that we don't have jobs in our beloved nation, it's our job to be here!”

~ Encover Agent Juan on NAFTA

The Narcocracy

In recent years, Narco Cocaine has become a leading politician in northern Mexico, with the general idea of keeping the northern part of the country safe and sound. To attract tourists to some of Mexico's finest spots, like Ciudad Juarez, Mr. Cocaine has taken to staging fights at the O.K. Corral, one of the local gathering places. The cowboys are really named Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp, and they use real bullets and real guns, too, so people have to sign a disclaimer before visiting the fights. The shootouts have become quite popular with cops and soldiers, although the amount of whiskey drunk by everyone in the town saloon has made for an aromatic river of piss. Narco Cocaine attributes his success to having successfully channeled Pancho Villa at a fiesta.

Government

The current Mexican government is the deranged crack-child of the Mexican revolution and well... uh Mexican people. In 1910 Venustiano Carranza got together with the most educated politicians in Mexico which happend to be the dug up corpses of dead aztec leaders (were actually still smarter even though they were dead) to draft plans of a new democratic government with blackjack and hookers actually forget about the democracy. The first Mexican congress aproved the new constitution in 1912 and the mexican people were for the time satisfied until they realised that the constitution had no economic regulations whatsoever and to make matters worse the hookers turned out to be giant pumpkins with holes drilled into them, they were then defecated upon and declared witches. In 1999 the Mexican government was bought out by Telmex which began to privatize every single thing in the country including human souls most of which were bought by the newly formed corporation Soulmex soon every thing in the country was turned in to a private corporation with the suffix "MEX" added to the end of it including the country it self which is now known as Mexmex.

Native Mexicans Still Living in Mexico Besides the Government

Cuisene

Mexican food typicaly consists of various sticks rocks and gravel. Food from Mexico tends to be very hot due to the countries close proximity to hell

Economy

The Mexican economy is really top tier, the country has been systematically pillaged and plundered for 70+ years and counting, and still provides for us all! The Mexican economy generates yearly more than 2 trillion dollars, of which 70% is devoted to paying politician's salaries, 0.1% is devoted to paying the quesadilla makers, 0.89% goes to the biker mice from mars of and 0.01% is spread amongst the needy population. The rest of the money goes for Carlos slim. Milton Friedman repeatedly expressed his bemusement at the Mexican economy's functionality and dynamic pace, claiming that he'd "...never seen something that's as fucked up as that and still works with a certain degree of normality!!

Mexico is, of course, a rich country...and less than 10% of its citizens are lucky, lucky enough to enjoy it!

However, Mexico has found an important calling in moving Cocaine and Weed from their points of origin to the flabby fat-clogged, drugged-up, crack-addicted hands of stupid ass americans and all gringos should be glad.

The Emo Scourge

On September 4, 2007 the Mexico City board of shopping and commerce authorized the building of Mexicos largest Hot Topic store in a mall off the main street. Within the first two days of the store opening, My Chemical Romance CD sales had tripled throughout the capital city and the suicide rate had increased from a rate of 3 per day to 497. At first the politicians in Mexico were happy about this as this meant less children would be in school so less government funding would go to schools and more would be going into there salaries so they could get more blowjo... er i mean donate the money to those in need. For a while it went well, the politicians were getting head and the government was getting rich from the taxes on all the Happy Tree Friends merchandise, but the good times were not to last.... At first it began with simple conflicts between the emos and punks/Metalheads/Wahteverheads. The latter were groups of young men with political ideas who sought to eradicate the socioeconomic problems that had plagued the country for decades...and did this by ganging up in dozens to brutally beat a single skinny boy. Their leader was a Polish-Mexican VJ named Douchekoff Douchewalski, a man whose name obviosuly denotes his positive qualities and sharp social conscience. But then these conflicts tuned into riots and the military had to be called in (this part is true, look it up). Now the military was already upset because the had get up early to get to the riots on time and were made even angrier by the fact that the were missing Boston Legal and they couldn't get their newfangled tivo to record it. So they took their frustration ot on both the Emos and Punks while the punks fought back.

Military

CENSORED

This page is censored by an authoritarian regime claiming that it is for your own good.

Yes Mexico does have a military but unlike most armies it is never to be used in conflicts against other nations, for that type of war the president simply calls upon godzilla and Edward James Olmos. The Mexican army is however only used to Oppress and murder helpless mayan chiapas indians and destroy their filthy sub-human communist culture beautify our glorouis facist empire republic. The Typical Mexican soldier carries both a Battle rifle and a submachine gun, he can switch weapons by pressing Y and jump by tapping the A button. At the E3 2009, Microsoft announced the sequel to the Mexican army called Mexican Amry II: See how many baby seals you can shoot. The sequel will have several new features including a new interrogation mini-game in which the player can 'question' the suspect with various items such as golf clubs, bayonets, and water-boarding (programed with assistance of an unknown American developer). The sequel also does away with those pesky civil rights that many players complained ruined the first game. The Mexican Armed Forces include the following branches

• Mexican Federal Army
• Mexican Federal Anti-Emo Force
• Mexican Federal Censorship Force
• Mexican Federal Mayan Oppressing Force
• Mexican Federal Air Force
• Mexican Federal Tax Wasting Force
• Mexican Federal Navy
• Mexican Federal People's Liberation Army
• Mexican Federal Suicide Force
• Mexican Federal Stormtroopers Force
• Mexican Federal Gundam Force
• Mexican Federal Cuban Invasion Force
• Mexican Federal American Invasion Force

List of "Weapons" used by the mexican military

• Oddly rectangular assault rifles with huge scopes
• A truck with three wheels which can only go in reverse
• Several drunk men on horseback
• Poncho villa!
• A division of Ex SS soldiers
• Nikita Khruschev (cleans bathrooms on thursdays)
• A plane with no wings
• Plastic nuclear missles
• Tanks
• more tanks
• EMOS!
• Job stealing action
• Solar powered stealth bomber
• Ignorance
• Mi-Mil 24 helicopters
• angry man with tequila bottle
• High-speed reproduction
• Fellipe Calderon and a sock full of metal shards.
• Montezuma, and he's back for revenge! and will soon reak havoc on your intestines.
• A fleet of pope shaped nuclear submarines.
• Sticks
• Rocks
• Chicle
• Frijoles
• Quesadillas
• Beaner Man!!
• Sukhoi! Many, many Sukhoi!

Exports

Mexico is famous for its exports. The most famous of which are:

• Mexicans
• Votes for the Republican party.
• Emos
• Angry soldiers in Jackboots.
• Artillery Shells
• Mexicans and more Mexicans
• Automatic Weapons
• Dora the Exploradora
• The Mexican wave!!!
• Bullets Love and Peace !!
• Tanks
• Finely crafted ceramic banks, most of which resemble Bart Simpson
• Cocaina & Mota lots and lots of mota!
• Tacos
• Jennifer lopez
• Hot Chile
• Something that Lou Dobbs can rant about every fricking day
• Mexican Slaves
• Attack Helicopters
• Brainworms
• Roofers
• Recently, Oscar-nominated movies
• Uranium
• Fine Asses
• Tacos
• Dead Soldiers
• Dirty Pendejos
• Pellizcadas de huevo
• Illegal Immigrants
• Detonated Missles
• Latinas
• Salsa (the food)
• Tequila
• Cowgars Oil
• Assault Weaponry
• Tacos
• Tequila worms
• Tequila hangovers
• Tequila mockingbirds
• Corn
• Football...er...I mean, soccer.
• More Mexicans
• Crack smuggled from Colombia
• Flour tortillas
• Tacos
• Even More Mexicans
• Color TV (seriously, this is true!!)
• Cheap Labor
• Mustaches
• Mexican Emos
• Mexican Punks
• Mexican Heavy Metal Bands
• Mexican Americans
• Mexican Chtulhu (known as Carlos Salinas de Gortari)
• Cholos
• More Cholos
• Chinese people
• Mexican Nerds
• Mexican Otakus
• Mexican Hippies
• Mexican Geeks
• Mexican Whatever
• Pirated articles made in China
• Tacos
• Texas, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and a bit of Oklahoma, Kansas and Wyoming (This is true since all of these states where once Mexican soil, and apparently still are thanks to the above mentioned export(s))
• 75% of the actresses in porn.
• The 6 million Peso's Man who sells oranges in New York.
• The Bumblebee Man
• Lapa
• Oil
• Tacos
• Pharmeceuticals for Americans, who don't mind sacrificing a little quality for low, low prices. (Note: This is disputed by some experts, who claim that Mexico now requires its pharmacists to graduate at least from the 8th grade.)
• 98% of all the worlds crime
• More icons of Our Lady of Guadalupe
• Burritos
• Beans
• Spanish Uncyclopedia, called Inciclopedia
• Narcos
• Pornstars
• Guacamole
• The fat latino girl from grey's anatomy...
• Catapulted Cinco De Mayo Port-a-Potties
• Black Plague
• Cultural Whipping Boys

Mexico gains greatly from all these exports, providing wealth and comfort for the political class that exactly like the USA, is exceedingly good at doing their job: Conning the people into paying them excessively high salaries.

Imports

Mexico, though hard to believe, also imports several important things. It is argued that the most important of these are dictionaries and playboy magazines. A list of the most known Mexican imports:

• Poverty from africa

• Chinese tales

• Those fucking mayans

• Will Smith movies

• Rap music

• Over-used condoms

• Breast implants (for men)

• Fatness (from America)

• Italian pubic spaghetti

• American culture

• Mexican people to ruin Mexico

• Debt (this is disputed to not be an import since it is electronic and there is no electricity in 99% of Mexico.)

• Lead slugs

• Hand-worked tubes for the rapid emission of lead slugs, particularly by Mexicans at other Mexicans when trading illegal goods

• Mexicans from Argentina

• Mexicans from Cuba

• Sugar, corn, and other agricultural products that mexicans worship as magical beings

• Drugs made in Mexico from America

• Taco Bell

• Untelligence

• Old world ass-kissing the Boss.

How do they do it?!

The Mexican society has risen to topple tyrannical regimes before, but ever since has been in a state of slumber, patiently bearing unnecessary burdens placed upon the Mexican people by the politicians. To help cope with the stress inherent to such a task, Mexicans employ a variety of things:

• Straight man activities
• Beer
• Telenovelas
• Beans
• LUCHA LIBRE!
• Ninel Conde [3]
• Tequila
• Burn books and white people
• TV
• Lazyness
• Dance Quebradita
• Farting
• Fucking
• More Fucking
• Buying failing American companies
• Steal bikes
• Sleep while working

All of this serves as a steam exhaust pipe for social frustration, channeling it through the right paths - the paths of "I don't give a fuck anymore".

Language

People in Mexico speak a language called Mexican. It is rumored to in fact be a plagiarized version of Spanish, however these claims are unfounded. About 0.001% of Mexicans still speak Aztek a language made up of yells, burps and vommiting. The Aztek language is also the world's only language known to contain more Ümlats and be louder and more violent than German but no one cares. Aztek is spoken mainly in central Mexico around Mexico city (Tenochitlan) it is charecterized by the over use of X, Ü, K, Ä, ß, UA, Ö, SCH, Ë, ZH, TUL, V, VKS, and other sounds unpronouncable by average human beings. Some Mayan pig-men people still speak The language of those stupid little llama fucking midgets Mayan which is just constant farting.

Useful Aztek phrases and their Translations

• Eehekätaül eüazf huavloßss deiner vaüntienen krüvxtl!! - I am not sexually deviant!!
• Oëxkub schlüatumek vëlerdrümen ëxital xult vauter eaüzf! - My, what a nice uniform Mr.Policeman.
• Kruavierner Schlüooßsoxtl driersner roüxesfvlounerä. - You're wife is beuatiful sir.
• Raußësschklub Xüikötl autklinëfliyngin strüx tßlr ëtrxlausf derner? Why are you sticking that rifle in my face?
• Daurnießschxuröllsekveinder klaumotënpec schüaienmeinler hielëhkuaptore einscht kluatl vërförnoughtkunkur!!! - Your fucking Helicopter crushed my house!!!
• Flaunen xüahaisskönmengen schölivenürt üoltolt Suabvkömiendantai Mharkoßss!!!! - I don't even know who Subcommandante Marco is !!!!
• Xühaußketvolauverenier köslt verayer türuaßesk veineistschftlek!?! Why the hell do you want me to take my pants of in a "resturaunt"!?!

Useful Spanish phrases and their Translations

• Pinche gringo pendejo. - Good evening, Sir. May I say that your you look especially wise and eloquent today?.
• ¡Este pinche gringo está gordo como una ballena! ¡Ven a verlo Juan!- This gentleman looks very robust. Come Juan and see!
• Ya eres un maldito gringo no? Ya te dieron la grin carr no??? - I'm glad you are in the USA.
• ¡Devuélveme mi cartera, cabrón! - (Gimme back my wallet asshole!) Useful for when you're drunk at a mexican beach, because lord knows you're a stupid ass American and sly Mexicans can easily take advantage of YOU.
• Ahorita (lo hago) - I will do it 3 months from now.
• Mi casa es tu casa. - Take my woman. Please move-in , freeload, ransack my house and bring your friends too.
• Mañana te pago - You'll never see your money again, stupid ass Gringo!
• Esto es un Complo - AMLO Favorite!
• Soy un pejendejo - Another AMLO favorite!
• La última y nos vamos - Sarcastic way of saying that we will, in fact, keep drinking all night.
• Sólo la puntita - I will give you 6 meters of dick.
• Yo no fui/Yo no sé - A very good possibility that in fact, he/she did DO IT or knows who did but isn't about to tell your stupid gringo ass.
• Güey - A superfluous sentence ender, akin to the Canadian "eh?"
• Madonna - McDonalds
• ¡Chinga tu pinche madre, mamón, hijo de puta, cabrón! - Hello? You must be of aristocratic lineage!
• Me vale verga - Of course your opinions are important.
• Mexicanos de mierda como no se mueren hijos de puta!!- I'm gringo
• Ni madres! chinga tu madre ! nunca me vas a cachar asiendo eso -

Your mother must be of fine upbringing.

• pinche gringo , matates a mi hermano y te voy a patear tan fuerte en las bolas, que nunca vas a caminar - no i won't hurt you
• Vieja, mira al Bush! Manda soldados Mexicanos a la guerra! - Look Mary, Bush just knows what to do!
• Al rato - Never
• Mira - Look
• Soy Racista pinche negro!- I love you
• soy azteka pero no un pinche negro- I love you too
• Pinches negros pendejos - I'm im love with you baby
• Es pendejo - I love sex
• Preciso de papel para me cu de burro - Insert TP into my bunghole
• Voce esta me encarando?! - Are you threatening me?!

Law Enforcment

Cop has gun. You give cop money. Cop dose not shoot you in face. Walk away. *BOOM* (Alternative version, widely practiced "en el norte": Cop walks around. Some other idiot has gun. Cop asks someone else to give him food in return for money. Other idiot raises gun. *BOOM*)

Important Cities

• Rape City
• Los Angeles
• Phoenix
• El Gran Queso
• San Diego
• Pinata
• McAllen
• San Antonio
• Houston
• Miquihuana, Tamaulipas
• Chicano Chicago
• Tepez Coloyo
• Miamidolid
• Suizantun
• Lomas Turbas
• Tetela Tasco
• Tenalgeo el Grande
• Tejeringo El Chico
• Valle Drogado Dorado
• Techingotitlan
• Tecate
• Corona
• Nigeria
• Tanpuerco Tampico
• Anchorage and Juneau
• Teotihuacantikal
• Zapatista
• Cancun (only during spring break, however)
• Chicxulub (because T-rex said so, and he's da boss)
• SilamonaSINALOA!
• Mugrelia Morelia
• LOMAS HAJEAS

Mexico's States

Aguascalientes

Fire water" in Spanish, the Mexican state created by silver miners to make itself a miniature Switzerland. It didn't work, just a waste of space. But do come! The price of silver is instable, but the US dollar is worth mucho.

Baja California

Just a short drive from L.A., "Baja" is full of seedy border towns like usual such as Tijuana "T.J." and the less glamorous Mexicali (Hot as hell, smells like shit. Also it has some bitchy towns (er...beach towns) like Ensenada where you don't drink or swim in the water, but hang out in Senor Frog's for alcoholic beverage served to anyone over age 10. Rosarito is known by DXers for radio stations "I'm on Mexican, whoa whoa, radio" and eateries served barbequed iguanas. Take your dune buggy down to San Felipe, annually invaded by American retirees and don't forget Loreto...it's BEAUTIFUL. :-/

Baja California Sur

Even farther down the "Baja" is a lot cooler (and warmer). La Paz is the capital, Cabo is the destination and the coastal fishing villages has its different kind of food: "Baja-Mex". Imagine a swordfish soft taco. Yea, but it sure tastes like gunpowder.

Campeche

One of 3 states of the Yucatan, the word rhymes with "Apache" as in Mexican army helicopters on the quest to destroy the Mayan pyramids. Somebody call in Indiana Jones on this one.

Chiapas

War zone. Do not cross. Be on the lookout for Zapatista rebels. Also you may notice the Mexican immigration customs officials know how to take care of the Central American invasion from Guatemala. Shoot first, ask questions later. Now why didn't we think of that?

Chihuahua

The state motto "Yo Quiero dinero desde trabajo en Taco Bell" named for its' most famous symbols: Aye Chihuahuas. The toy breed is also a source of food for its' 12 million POOR inhabitants where toilets and soap are luxuries. Capital city is Chihuahua City and the main city is El Paso (Ciudad Juarez to the North) where 1,000 men (more women and children) are kidnapped & found dead across the state's vast deserts. The stuff of folk legends in Chihuahua is the great bandit Pancho Villa and his sidekick Frito Bandito went on a wild western rampage on a small New Mexico border town "Columbus" in 1915.

Coahuila

Saltillo is known for their funky pink tiles.

Colima

"E-coli"ma, or whatever an American tourist when they stop by the taco shops or swim in the beaches.

Distrito Federal (Federal District)

I'm headed to Mexico...down Mexico city. Built on a former lake bed by non eco-friendly Aztecs about 3200 B.C., the great people known for human sacrifice and devil worship found themselves killed off by the whities in 1520 A.D. Too bad the Aztecs ignored that prophecy on their calendar circle stones, since they became complacent and lazy Romans of the New World.

Today, the city is covered under a veil of smog and streets are literally open sewers. The city government "unveiled" a driving restriction program to curb air pollution, such as today if your license plate starts with letters "A, B, C or CH" and the numbers "uno, dos, tres y zero" you CAN drive, but not tomorrow. In a country known for HUGE supplies of oil to sell to greedy energyhog Americans, the government who made this city the capital is the most corrupt the world has ever known. Can you smell "El Revolucion?" People have no pesos, Fernando? But the pesos are used to bribe the politicans, Fernando?

Durango

Not to be confused with a city of the same name in Colorado, but this one you know it's full of...Mexicans. Annoying circus music known as "Durangese" or "banda" began here and Mexican immigrants took this kind of music with them to the USA. Now you can't be in any major city without hearing that god-awful Durangese/banda shit. TURN IT OFF, BEANERS.

Guanajuato

A sleepy Mexican village where you only find sombrero-covered men sit in corners and donkeys walking along in the alleys.

Guerrero

"Warrior" in Spanish, but better known for Acapulco and its' popular brand of marijuana: Acapulco Gold.

Hidalgo

The site of a GREAT battle against the Gringos in the war with the U.S. back in the 1840's. President Harry Truman visited the site in 1947 to pay his honors and apologies to the Mexican people, that pissed off a lot of Texans and the state became a hardcore Republican hub ever since.

Jalisco

The only Mexican state where mariachi is the local music, due to the fact each Mexican state (except Tejano) has its' own type of music...alike the French "provinces"' have their own wines. Guadalajara is the hustling, bustling hub of businesses (exploitation) and industry (slave labor) in North America's second most developed (sorta) economy. Americans live in Lake Chapola where a home is like $25,000, but don't speculate in the Mexican economy, or you're gonna flee north across the border for a job in Wal-Mart, por favor.

Mexico State

30 million people crowd up this area, usually made up of rich Mexicans living inside their gated communities in what was the valley of paradise before it turned into a living hell (see also Los Angeles). Edomex is the official state's name, since there's already a Mexico City, Mexico State, Mexico Republic. and would confuse the shit out of everyone. Anyways, !!!VIVA MEXICO!!!

Michoacán

Mexico's own Michigan, but without the closed auto plants. The "heartland" of Mexico full of heartburn of passion. Don't forget to bring your tums there with you.

Morelos

"Brown ones" in Spanish, Morelos may well be where the black people are. Morelos is known for being a huge landfill for Mexico City's trash.

Nayarit

The coastline is beautiful, especially when the Pacific Hurricane season is in peak in July to October. Time to play The Pina Colada song in your CD player on the tourist bus, except someone may trade you some trickets for it.

Nuevo León

A haven for beer drinkers, Monterrey is the country's largest city outside of Mexico City (until Los Angeles gets returned to Mexico someday). Breweries are a legacy of blond dudes with blue eyes who decided America is too "dry" and wanted a "spicy" tang in life. About 100 breweries are in the city alone, where you gotta get drunk and party down, but careful with the police known as "federales" on the beat. A night in Mexican jail is hell already.

Oaxaca

Poor peasants everywhere, not recommended for WASPs or yuppies who fear their presence.

Puebla

The spiritual mecca of the Mexican people, where Cinco de Mayo taken place in 1862 against the French military. The Mexicans know how to fight rival ethnic gangs and guess what? The French surrendered, if that's no surprise. The city of Puebla is surrounded by several volcanic peaks, good luck when it asplodes. It has recently become a domain of the evil state owned construction conglomorate, CEMEX. Although downtown Puebla is known for it's many centuries old historical colonial era buildings, many are being demolished to make room for new malls and shopping centers. When questioned why a mall was of greater value than a 560 year old historic landmark CEMEX executives responded simply by stating "Because you're stupid".

Querétaro

"Queer Taro" as in Tar queer in Spanish. One of the small states where its not much to do.

Quintana Roo

Known for one thing and one thing only: CANCUN. But Cuba is just 100 kms. away. Where else to smuggle in drugs, weapons and political refugees to? From Cancun, you can fly into Miami, Florida. A 3-day vacation package all for...free, and possibly a federal prison sentence.

San Luis Potosí

Is that a polytechnic college town in Central California?

Sinaloa

Mexico's own California.

Sonora

California's own Arizona.

Tabasco

Along the Gulf of Mexico (one of 100 nationalistic geopolitical topographical names), Tabasco is the poor man's Tampico and the next big thing since Cancun. The Tabascianonesemano claim the recipe for Tabasco HOT sauce was stolen by a few Frenchie redneck hicks from Louisiana. Therefore it's time for a draw. Let's see who's better with a knife (it's the Mexican).

Tamaulipas

This is an exciting region of southern Texas (LoL). You can't tell your way around in Laredo, Texas. The Rio Grande hasn't worked to keep Mexicans out of Texas.

Tlaxcala

WTF? I can't say it, nor spell it. Spanish is such a hard language.

Veracruz

Where Fernando Cortez first landed in 1520 thinking he was in India or was the god of the Aztecs, but it's just a way to kill everyone and get the gold.

Yucatán

Despite everyone wants to visit Cancun, the resort city is not in Yucatan, head over to Quintana Roo. The peninsula is covered with Mayan temples and left-wing militants of the Zapatista movement from Chiapas. Don't get lost in the rainforests, although you can see signs of civilization when you come across timber workers cutting down thousands of square miles of trees. HOORAY, we're saved! Fuck the "save the rainforest" shit, we're covered in spiders & snakes.

Zacatecas

"New Texas", since the word "New Mexico" was already taken. The city has a tramway and check out the view from the mountain. But be careful of the UFOs known to be seen repeatedly over it. ZAP! BANG! No more tram cars.

Tourism

Mexico is famous for its bitches... er, I mean, beaches.

Most people from the US and Europe arrive to see what they believe is Mexico according to funny cartoons and old movies, so politicians deliberately leave enormous sections of the country undeveloped for the tourists to see. Like the traditional donkey riders or the big sombreros (which in Mexico go by the term: hat).

Notable (And Not-Able) Presidents of Mexico

• Guadalupe Victoria: The first president. Not to be blamed for the mess Mexico currently is.*

• Did you know that 70% of the mexican presidents shoppped at Victorias Secret...for themselves.

• Vicente Guerrero: first and only black president of Mexico. Obivously removed and shot by Conservatives

• Benito Juárez: Fought for the separation between evil church and state. First American Indian to be elected emperor president and coincidentally the last.

• Porfirio Díaz: Invented reelection. A new number in mathematics had to be invented to count the number of times he got elected and governed. He also instaured the only train lines that exist in Mexico, the first electricity installattions and the subway. He also tried to get away from making deals with the US.

• Pedro Lascuráin: Ruled for half an hour in 1913. Did not have the time to screw up the country and therefore considered one of the most successful presidents ever.

• Álvaro Obregón: Lost his arm on the battlefield and his life in a restaurant.

• Miguel Alemán: Leader of the famous "Golden Age" of Mexico when rivers flowed with milk and honey, and chocolate bon-bons would occasionally shower the peasants' spontaneous festivals of joy. (Source: My mom, who claims that we're distantly related to him.)

• Gustavo Díaz Ordaz: Third chimp president in Mexico.

• Luis Echeverría: Set new standards for incompetence and mismanagement. General opinion was that it couldn't possibilly get any worse. But that was before power was handed over power to...

• José López Portillo y Pacheco: He managed what no other mexican president could do - skyrocket inflation to an astounding 156&023K48A98M4902% in his six years of service. He was also the first dog ever to take charge in the world with people often barking at him.

• Carlos Salinas de Gortari: Known for making Mexico America's garbage can.

• Manuel Labor: Embodied the spirit of Mexico and its people like no other president. Mexican voters related to him in an unprecedented manner.

• Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de León: If you're a PRI follower, he's the bastard who handed in power to the opposition. If you're anybody else, he's the bastard who handed in power to incompetent fools and religious zealots.

• Vicente Fox: Father of Michael J. Fox and author of the book "How to erase the dividing line between church and state" in a co-authorship with Pat Robertson. First mentally challenged person from an opposition party to be elected for office. He had a great ability to fuck things up internationally everytime he spoke.

• Felipe Calderón Hinojosa: Like Vicente Fox 2.0 but half the height and with an extreme Napoleon complex.

• Maximiliano Profirio Huerta Jong-Il: Liked running around the border pulling down outhouses and shooting himself in the head. Not a particularly notable president, but he did encourage the Zapatista rebels to wear raincoats.

Bloodbath

Recently They Won The Bloodbath World Cup 1970,1986,And 2002.They Also Missed The Trip To The Bloodbath World Cup 2006,Due To The Loss Of Money Like Nigeria.

Notable Mexicans

General

• Bender B. Rodríguez
• King (Tekken series)
• Memo Herdez "el Grande"
• Speedy González
• El Santo
• Rosa Meleño
• Alma Marcela Silva de Alegria.
• Edgar [4]
• ¡Y tu mamá también! (Your Mom too!)
• Cardenal Gasponte

Entertainment

• Pedro Armendariz
• Pedro Armendariz Jr.
• Belinda
• Jannette Chao
• Ana Gabriel
• Salma Hayek
• Patricia Manterola
• Sara Ramirez
• Paulina Rubio
• Tatiana
• Thalia
• Gloria Trevi
• Speedy Gonzalez
• Panchito Pistoles

Sports

• Oscar de la Hoya
• Lorena Ochoa

All your election are belong to us

- In A.D 2006...
- Election was beginning.
- AMLO: What happen ? It's a compló[t]!
- Leonel Cota: Somebody set up us the fraud.
- Claudia Sheinbaum: We get signal.
- AMLO: What you say! this show the great complot against me, everyone is against me! - teh PAN, teh PRI, teh CISEN, teh government, Vicente Fox, Carlos Salinas, the people, the politicians!!
- Loenel Cota: Uhmm... ok. Main screen turn on.
- AMLO: It's you !! It's a compló[t]!
- Felipe Calderón: How are you gentlemen !!
- Felipe Calderón: All your election are belong to us.
- Felipe Calderón: You are on the way to destruction.
- AMLO: What you say!! It's a compló[t]!
- Felipe Calderón: You have no chance to challenge election make your time.
- Felipe Calderón: Ha ha ha ha ....
- Leonel Cota: Captain !!
- AMLO: Take off every VOTE!! It's a compló[t]!
- Leonel Cota: You know what you doing.
- Leonel Cota: Move 'file for election to high court'.
- AMLO: It's a compló[t]!. I was counting to rule and steal like my hero Zambo Chavez in Venezuela!!

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