Metroid (species)

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Metroid
Metroid 1
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Class Alienus
Order Jellius
Family Suckus
Species Jellius Suckus
Binomial name
Chozo Prank
Specifications
Weight Variable
Length 2 feet
Special attack Leech Life
Conservation status
Makes itself right at home

Metroids are a species of genetically-enhanced jellyfish, most prominently featured in the Metroid video game franchise. Many varieties of metroids are now available today thanks to breeding and wildlife conservation efforts, but they all generally share the following characteristics:

  • Flight - Nearly all metroids can fly around, despite the lack of a means for doing so. This is because they are not required to obey the laws of physics. The exceptions are the really big ones, which more closely resemble crabs or dinosaurs.
  • Metamorphosis - Because metroids are constantly killing things, they gain experience points quickly. This causes them to evolve frequently and into many different forms. Since they have way more than the standard three stages Pokémon are required by law to abide by, they are permanently banned from the Pokémon League.
  • Energy-based metabolism - Metroids abuse Albert Einstein's famous equation E=mc² on a constant basis to obtain more mass from mere energy absorption, because of their aforementioned exemption. This is despite the fact that the equation was disproven, which further shows their arrogance. Some theorize Galactus was a metroid that was launched into a star at some point, then became so obese he decided to just keep eating celestial bodies.
  • Weakness to cold - Metroids are very susceptible to brain freeze, which is why they are not found at the North Pole or eating ice cream instead of bioenergy. If a metroid so much as touches an ice cube, it will die in screaming agony. Some tougher ones have to be frozen solid, then shattered with missiles. Unfortunately, as cool as this sounds, the scattered frozen chunks will eventually thaw, leaving a gooey, splattered mess that someone will need to clean up.
  • Sucking - Metroids latch onto just about anything living and suck out its life, creating a nerd. These nerds frequently buy video games, including Metroid games, which further propagates the metroid species.

Samus Aran is famous for driving metroids into extinction multiple times. They never completely die out, because Shigeru Miyamoto always releases some from his secret stash every time Nintendo needs more money.

edit Creation

The Chozo, after creating Mother Brain, decided they needed to make yet another biological abomination which would be the bane of galactic civilization. After progressing as far as it is possible to technologically, all that was left was to abuse genetic engineering to wreak havoc on other races for their own amusement.

The steps the Chozo took to create the first metroid were as follows:

  1. Genetically engineer a giant raspberry, and find a suitably large jellyfish.
  2. Surgically remove the stinging tentacles. The next step will be very uncomfortable to perform unless this is done.
  3. Force feed the raspberry to the jellyfish. It should now be clearly visible through the outer membrane.
  4. Little hairs from the raspberry will now grow from it to the edges of the membrane, depositing additional genes for antigravity along the way.
  5. For the finishing touch, take some fossilized dinosaur fangs and glue them where the tentacles used to be. Additional fossilized dinosaur DNA will transfer from the fangs into the jellyfish to give rise to the typical life cycle.

The Chozo set their new creation loose on planet SR388, just to see how quickly it could decimate a global ecosystem. The Space Pirates were impressed with what they saw, and purchased the Chozos' patent for mass production.

edit Biology

edit Morphology

Huge-jellyfish

This metroid shows a clear preference for seafood.

Metroids are jellyfish/raspberry/dinosaur hybrids. As such, they have a very typical appearance.

Metroids are best known for their ability to suck energy out of pretty much anything. This is usually the life force of live prey, but could also be the contents of energy drinks, which were specially formulated with metroids in mind. They latch onto a victim's head with their fangs and proceed to drain it of its life. This method of feeding resembles head lice, prompting some biologists to classify them as such.

edit Life cycle

The life cycle of a metroid is complex and varied. They can morph into many different forms and reproduce in many different ways. There are three known such cycles.

edit Natural life cycle

Metroids first hatch from eggs into their well-known larval jellyfish form. They molt and grow over time to turn into electricity-shooting, bipedal alien T-Rexes. Eventually, the fatter ones just stay put in one spot to keep making more eggs.

edit Gatorade-influenced life cycle

The introduction of blue Gatorade causes metroids to develop a bit differently. They regrow tentacles, become really big and smarter, and learn the secret of making even more blue Gatorade and metroids. Eventually, the really big ones like Metroid Prime become giant enemy crabs, whose eyes must be hit with certain beams for massive damage. Oddly enough, the main weakness of blue Gatorade-enhanced metroids is even more Gatorade.

edit Artificially-induced mitosis

After purchasing the patent for metroids from the Chozo, the Space Pirates wanted to make even more of them really quickly. Demand was high for their new product, but production was lagging. It was not until Space Pirates realized that they could simply expose metroids to beta radiation from old TV sets that they achieved their desired efficiency. However, they went overboard and made too many metroids, which then proceeded to get hungry and eat them.

edit Prey

Metroids prey on pretty much anything that's warm and has a pulse, due to their desperate nature. However, individuals who already have no life (like couch potatoes or D&D players) are immune to metroid attacks.

edit Predators

Metroids generally sit at the top of their food chains since they're so OP. There are only three known natural predators of metroids:

  1. Samus Aran
  2. Abominable snowmen
  3. That guy driving around the neighborhood in the windowless van offering free candy to kids

edit Notable individuals

edit Metroid Prime

The Chozo brought a metroid along with them to the planet Tallon IV. This planet was intended to be their vacation home, free of distracting technology like smartphones and Facebook. They needed something to keep themselves occupied with, so they sent their pet after the local wildlife for some laughs.

Shortly after they arrived and finished building their giant stone cottage, a meteor crashed into the planet and spilled blue Gatorade everywhere. The metroid slurped it up, at which point it ran away from the Chozo and retreated far underground, where it could also enjoy red Gatorade and grow bigger. This planetary excess of sugary drinks gave the Chozo a severe case of diabetes, which persisted after death and drove them insane.

Space Pirates came to Tallon IV because they love Gatorade, and tried to hog it all for themselves. One of the Space Pirates, Kim Jong-il, claimed to have found the Chozos' pet metroid and kept it for a short time, before it stole his Gatorade and guns then ran away again. However, the rest of the galactic community were skeptical of this announcement and it is not generally accepted as fact.

Samus Aran then came to Tallon IV too, because she will attend any party she can. She was disgusted with the selfish Space Pirates keeping all the Gatorade for themselves, and she proceeded to systematically murder all of them to get it back. She eventually found the keys to the impact site (which the Chozo restricted access to as a tourist attraction), and engaged in battle with the runaway metroid, now known as Metroid Prime. In the latter part of a two-phase battle, Samus found the only way she could defeat it now was to use the blue Gatorade against it. She shoved a funnel into its mouth and forced Metroid Prime to drink, chanting, "Chug it! Chug it!" The excess sugar gave Metroid Prime a fatal case of explosive diabetes, killing it. Just before this happened, it managed to steal Samus' bra by penetrating her Power Suit with its tentacle.

edit Dark Samus

Dark Samus

Dark Samus is also notable for being the first metroid CEO of Gatorade, Inc. Her shoulder pads always contain some chilled to precisely 40°F for maximum refreshment.

Metroid Prime wasn't completely finished off by its explosive diabetes. Using the blue Gatorade and DNA extracted from Samus' bra, it managed to be reborn as a metroid/human/Gatorade hybrid known as Dark Samus. Dark Samus set off for the planet Aether with two goals in mind:

  1. More generously share the blue Gatorade with everyone
  2. Show Samus that karma can literally be a bitch

Samus defeated Dark Samus again at Aether as a side quest to helping the local mutant moth people gather more light to stare at in their planetary bug zapper. (She then collected her bounty from them as an undisclosed number of beer cases.)

But Dark Samus still wasn't through with her. She stubbornly resurrected herself, and persuaded the Space Pirates to stop being so greedy with their blue Gatorade and share it with some other planets. She even implanted a miniature Gatorade factory inside Samus and some other bounty hunters so they could enjoy a free lifetime supply of Gatorade, on tap whenever they wanted it. But Samus still preferred alcohol, so she gave the other bounty hunters and even Dark Samus herself more cases of explosive diabetes, reusing the old funnel technique. By this point, Dark Samus could no longer pay her health insurance premiums and faded into bankruptcy, and the Gatorade factory on Phaaze went out of business.

edit Baby Metroid

The Baby Metroid was the first metroid to believe it was human, thanks to Samus Aran killing its real mother and afflicting it with Stockholm syndrome. During its time in Samus' custody, it picked up many bad human habits from its adoptive mother, such as belching loudly, farting even more loudly, binge drinking, anorexia, and becoming addicted to junk food. Child protective services caught wind of this bad parenting, and served Samus a court order. This required her to drop it off at their offices at the Ceres space station, where it was abducted a short while later by Ridley.

After the second abduction, the Baby Metroid realized a whole ton of food was available for it on Zebes, and its junk food addiction kicked in again. This led to it becoming a giant fatass by the time Samus tracked it down again. It initially tried to eat her too, but her nervous habit of flatulating saved her life at the last second, causing it to become disgusted with its meal and fly off to vomit.

Samus then went after Mother Brain, the metroid's new legal stepmother, blaming the Baby Metroid's childhood obesity problem on her. The two engaged in a catfight, nearly ending with Mother Brain issuing Samus a restraining order. However, the Baby Metroid (for reasons unknown) opted to save Samus by switching from suck to blow. A betrayed Mother Brain tried to discipline her child with a laser spanking, but accidentally caused it to a splode instead. The Baby Metroid's sacrifice empowered Samus to file child abuse charges against Mother Brain, preventing her from ever adopting again and saving the galaxy. Samus celebrated the occasion afterwards with another binge drinking session.

edit Samus Aran

Not content with already being a human/Chozo hybrid, Samus decided she wanted to be a metroid too, so that she wouldn't feel left out. She went on a safari with some friends from Biologic Space Laboratories, looking for giant frogs to shoot with missiles. However, some sentient Silly Putty emerged from one of the frogs' carcasses, which then penetrated her Power Suit to steal her panties. Samus thought nothing of it, and went back into space without suspecting she now had an infection. The infection had spread to her brain, making her mind fuzzy and filling her with a strong desire to strip naked. She didn't notice this right away, since she was always getting drunk and had no sense of modesty. However, since she was still in her Power Suit and in an altered state of mind, the best she could do was rip off some of the outer pieces. Disappointed they wouldn't get to see Samus nude, the BSL guys stopped waiting and sent her for emergency medical attention.

She was diagnosed on arrival as having an XXX parasite infection. The doctors at GFHQ tried to "help" her out by surgically removing more suit pieces, but they soon realized it was more trouble than it was worth. Scalpels are not very effective hacksaws. She was now permanently stuck inside her suit, and without the ability to eat or poop, she was given a grim prognosis for survival. Since she was a goner anyway, the doctors decided to inject some metroid cells directly into her bloodstream just to see what would happen. To their surprise, the Silly Putty in her brain disappeared, and now she also had metroid DNA. This gave her the ability to eat Silly Putty whenever she wanted, just like a metroid can.

edit Walmart

Walmart is a common and dangerous variety of metroid. It sucks the life force directly out of child laborers and local small businesses. It is primarily sustained through an influx of cash and employees, whose life is drained through long hours, low pay, and no health benefits. The only effective way to kill a Walmart metroid is to freeze it with a blizzard, then fire missiles at it from high orbit.

edit See also

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