Metroid

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Metroid is one of the many franchises to be put out by Nintendo. It involves bounty-hunter-space-pirate-killing-galactic-federation-helping-metroid-hunting woman named Samus Aran. Boss.

Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Samus is a girl.
...So, if you don't want to find out that Samus is a girl, which she is, don't read it.
...Because Samus is a girl

The games

Metroid is an international video game sensation that immerses gamers in a hyper-realistic world of jumping, shooting, and exploring which is in no way similar to any other games prehaps being one of the most immerse and creative games out there. For instance, the Metroid series (of which there are nearly a score of chronologically-ordered games, books and audio-cassettes) has been widely acclaimed for letting gamers roll into a ball, thereby getting to live out their latent fantasies of being a hedgehog. It is also known for it's shooting from the arm-cannon feature, not to mention the ability to charge up blasts, among hundreds of other upgrades.


Originally designed to train Japanese youths in the way of mass extermination of foolish Americans, Metroid was originally a game that focused on the mindless destruction of a flying jellyfish that ate people's brains. (This brain eating has been the subject of massive debates over weather Metroid is a zombie apocalypse simulator.)

Recently, the series has abandoned the rolling, jumping, shooting, and mass genocide approach to gaming and gone decisively into hardcore sex, raising concern and ire from various US political concerns without much else better to do. In The Upcoming Game Super Smash Bong Brawl, she will participate in a mass orgy along with other characters from Nintendo and Solid Snake. Exact details haven't been given, but the orgy will be shown in December 3.

Some Game made to attempt a vile copy of this, but could not imitate quality.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Metroid.

The Sexy Secret of Metroid

Sensational international video game developer Nintendo raised some eyebrows (not to mention dropped some monocles from the more well-heeled amongst the international video-game community), when it included a crude scene of the star of the first Metroid title, Samus, doffing her armor and getting hot wax dripped on her by a lecherous metroid as a reward to the gamer for finishing the game in under ten seconds.

File:Sexy Samus.jpeg

Titillated by both the 8-bit rendition of run-of-the-mill sexual sadism and the revelation that the ass-kicking, shooting/jumping hero they had been shooting with and rolling into balls as was, in reality, a woman (albeit an 8-bit woman) gamers everywhere developed an obsessive and irrational love for Metroid. Nintendo, famous for listening to input from fans, quickly rushed out Virtual Boy into mass production, touting its "futuristic three-dimensional gameplay." Sadly, Virtual Boy did not include a Metroid title, and the platform was doomed from the get-go.

When a Metroid title failed to appear on the wildly popular Super Nintendo 32X CD Master System, Metroid fanboys attacked the headquarters of Nintendo America with their homemade light-sabers until escorted away by security.

These sexually-challenged trolls hoped, erroneously, that future games would include further five-second clips of a heavily pixelated woman being abused by a space-jellyfish-thing, but would be disappointed until Nintendo's 2004 exclusive Gamecube release, Gang Bang in the Metroid Lane, which was widely criticized as containing nothing but sticky, hardcore sex, and not so much the shooting, jumping and ball-rolling action that had previously defined the series.

Samus Aran

Samus Aran was received well by the public (even if it was by sexually-charged teenage boys and weird old men), and was also the main reason that Nintendo decided to acknowledge female gamers, instead of just throwing them into the Black Hole of Calcutta for a century or two whilst continuing to make Game Boys, like they were used to. It appears as though Nintendo received brain cells for a few seconds whilst the idea of Samus Aran was conceived (possibly through chocolate, cocaine or Jesus, or a combination of all three) and decided to act on it, if only to have some fun staring at her chest during the animation times and using the excuse that, "They don't look right, dude. Maybe if I saw them without the Power Suit...".

It is also rumoured that Samus Aran was intended to be the typical jerk-ass hero that attracts male gamers because they can imagine they are as jerk-ass as all that, and that a courageous, computer geek female gamer (identity unknown) broke into Nintendo HQ and changed the last scene so that Samus was a girl in the final credits. It is said that Nintendo didn't even care that its reign of chauvinism in gaming was over- all they saw was big, green money signs.

Although Samus was a breakthrough for female gamers sick and tired of playing a dude, it seems Nintendo still attempts to have as much control as possible- mostly through the Zero Suit, a demeaning suit that lies under her kick-ass Power Suit. The attempt backfired, however, when everyone found the suit super-hot, and every female gamer wanted one. More examples can be seen in Other M- whilst the gamers were expecting Queen Bitch to make a triumphant return, they ended up with a cowering teenager under the command of her former CO, whom she used to diss on a regular basis (we believe for these reasons, that said CO had a "thing" for her), and now instead did everything he said. This, again, backfired as gamers began to see her with feelings and thought she was more kick-ass than ever, for hiding those soul-crushing emotions and blowing up stuff anyway, and that her implied relationship with her CO made her "hot" and "a rebel to Dorkus Federation rules and regulations", and that the fact that she's still alive in the end and he's not proves she's more badass than him.

Gamers are hoping to see some miraculous escape for aforementioned CO (as is tradition with Nintendo- just look at Ridley, that scary son of a bitch just won't die) and a new game that shows Samus and her former CO on a brand new blowing-up stuff and random planets adventure. Except this time, she orders him around.

Parents' Groups, Hillary Clinton and "Joltin' Joe" Lieberman React and Save the Childrens

With the controversial 2004 release of Gang Bang, Washington finally took notice of what dateless losers across the world had known for 20 years: there was a woman under the armor, and she was a woman who needed at least three men at the same time to help her through "hard times."

Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman (Conn.), after playing the game for a week straight in his closed chambers, emerged looking rumpled, a bit sweaty and definitely shaken. Said Lieberman:

Truly, if this game is purchased by children, children will be treated to some of the roughest, stickiest, hardest digital sex commercially available, making such virtual sex standards as Virtual Vixen and Sexy Beach 2 look like Peek-a-boo Poker. This cannot happen, and I look forward to examining more Metroid titles in the future, so I can think of some good legislation to pass. For the childrens.

Parents groups, such as MAVVGASSIVGTNNBSG (Mothers Against Violent Video Games and Sexual Situations in Video Games Though Not Necessarily Both in the Same Game), when questioned about the possible negative effects of raw human sexuality epitomized by the latest entry in the Metroid series, started shrieking incoherently and banging on iron pots with wooden spoons to get their point across, though what their point was is unclear at this moment.

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