Metroid

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Metroid is one of the many franchises to be put out by Nintendo. It involves bounty-hunter-space-pirate-killing-galactic-federation-helping-metroid-hunting woman named Samus Aran. Boss.

Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Samus is a girl.
...So, if you don't want to find out that Samus is a girl, which she is, don't read it.
...Because Samus is a girl

edit The games

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Metroid.

Metroid is an international video game sensation that immerses gamers in a hyper-realistic world of jumping, shooting, and exploring which is in no way similar to any other games perhaps being one of the most immerse and creative games out there. For instance, the Metroid series (of which there are nearly a score of chronologically-ordered games, books and audio-cassettes) has been widely acclaimed for letting gamers roll into a ball, thereby getting to live out their latent fantasies of being a hedgehog. It is also known for it's shooting from the arm-cannon feature, not to mention the ability to charge up blasts, among hundreds of other upgrades.

Originally designed to train Japanese youths in the way of mass extermination of foolish Americans, Metroid was originally a game that focused on the mindless destruction of a flying jellyfish that ate people's brains. (This brain-eating has been the subject of massive debates over weather Metroid is a zombie apocalypse simulator.)

Recently, the series has abandoned the rolling, jumping, shooting, and mass genocide approach to gaming and gone decisively into hardcore sex, raising concern and ire from various US political concerns without much else better to do. In the upcoming game Super Smash Bros.: Xtreme Beach Volleyball, Samus Aran will participate in a mass orgy along with other characters from Nintendo and Solid Snake. Exact details haven't been given, but the orgy will be shown on December 3 of whichever year the game exits development hell.

Bungie attempted to cash in on the series' wild success with Halo, but it could not attain the same level of quality nor popularity.

edit List of games released

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about the list of Metroid media.

Here is a complete list of all the games released in the series so far. Nintendo may release more if it can be determined that the cash cow still has milk left in it.

edit Metroid (NES)

The first game in the Metroid series, released in 1986 to compete with Pong. The plot revolves around Samus Aran, who decides to visit the planet Zebes to destroy various alien creatures simply minding their own business, the metroids, Mother Brain, and the finally the whole planet, in that exact order. She also assassinates Kraid and Ridley along the way, because they owed her money for previous bounty hunting missions.

The game tanked on retail shelves, once people realized it had terrible graphics, tinny music and sound effects, sloppy controls, and uninspired level design featuring miles of repeated tunnel sections and hiding upgrades inside walls as a gimmick. It was also full of glitches, probably because the programmers lazily copied the code for Kid Icarus and just changed the sprites. The game series should have died right then and there. However, the deep and intriguing plot created a cult following, leading some gamers to beg Nintendo afterwards for a new 2D Halo clone like the original.

edit Metroid II: The Return of Samus

The second game in the Metroid series, released on the Game Boy in 1991 to commemorate the fall of the Berlin Wall. In this game, Samus is asked by the future United States government to travel to planet SR388 and wipe out all the metroids there to eliminate any remaining traces of the Soviet Union. After she kills the Queen Metroid (revealed to be the reincarnation of Vladimir Lenin), she finds one last baby Metroid, which hatches before her and is promptly adopted.

This game also sold poorly, even worse than the first game on the NES. It shared all of the same design flaws and even more copied Kid Icarus code, but was now also in black and white in order to save money on artwork. However, the cult following for Metroid continued to grow.

edit Super Metroid

Released in 1994 for the Super Nintendo. Samus drops off the baby Metroid at a research station after realizing she couldn't afford canned food for it. However, Ridley steals the Metroid, and Samus chases him back to Zebes, since he apparently still owed her money. Once there, the game becomes an exact replica of the original Metroid game, except with something finally resembling decent graphics. The baby Metroid nearly eats Samus before Mother Brain saves her, which Samus repays in kind via rainbow lasers to the eye. Zebes blows up (again) and Samus flies off to go on vacation.

The mainstream gaming market briefly took notice, but by this point not even the fact that a brand-new game engine containing no Kid Icarus code could save the series from its struggling sales. The Nintendo 64 came around, and Nintendo decided to shelve the series until nobody could remember how terrible it was.

edit Metroid Prime

After the dawn of the new millennium, the combined prayers of the Metroid cultists had finally been realized. Nintendo gave the little-missed series a reboot in the Prime series. In the first Metroid Prime, Samus tracks down Ridley again to the planet Tallon IV (not that he still owed her any money; she just hated him by now). While there, Samus explores a interactive museum of alien natural history, and also kills some more space pirates. She kills Ridley again, and defeats Metroid Prime itself.

Gamers showed massive interest in this entry into the series, because they wanted to see Samus' boobs in 3D at long last. However, she only takes off her helmet at the end of the game, leading some to accuse Nintendo of false advertising in order to drive up sales. Metroid Prime could also be seen as Nintendo's attempt to cash in on the first-person shooter fad started by Halo, which this game was a near-complete copy of. Nevertheless, Metroid was now earning Nintendo money, prompting the development of obligatory sequels and spinoffs. This game and Super Smash Bros. Melee were the only things keeping the GameCube console afloat.

edit Metroid Fusion

Released at the same time as Metroid Prime so players could unlock a hideous extra suit in the former if they also bought a Game Boy Advance and special link cable. Taking place after Super Metroid, Samus gets an alien infection, but then is injected with Metroid cells, which somehow changes her DNA and lets her eat the infection. She then must go to a research station filled with infected creatures, where she regains her abilities, takes on a doppelganger and blows up the station, this time supposedly killing off (for real) the Metroids for good, which could have prevented the problem in the first place.

After having a taste of Metroid Prime, gamers simply couldn't be bothered to return to the 2D games, and Metroid Fusion did not sell well. No new 2D Metroid games have since been released by Nintendo.

edit Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

Using what they learned from trial and error up until this point, Nintendo finally understood that modern gamers wanted first-person shooters. Thus, they released Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, in which Samus thinks she is going to planet Aether to save some Federation troopers on a camping trip gone awry, but instead must take on a series of clichés. These include such staples as a light/dark world for twice the backtracking, an evil twin, and Samus losing all of her powerups yet again at the start of the game.

edit Metroid Prime Pinball

An unremarkable pinball game made for the Nintendo DS, despite the fact that it could have been implemented just as easily as an actual pinball table in an arcade somewhere and probably would have made more money. It was meant to be used with the Rumble Pak, which has since persuaded Nintendo to never again include an expansion or peripheral port on any future DS handhelds out of its sheer uselessness. For some reason, however, it proved to be quite popular with female gamers.

edit Metroid Prime: Hunters

Another spinoff from the main Metroid Prime series. Samus must collect eight octoliths by fighting the same two bosses over and over, and also periodically promote feminism by defeating rival bounty hunters, all of which are male. The single-player mode somehow managed to suck worse than the 2D Metroid games, which is an incredible achievement on Nintendo's part and would not be topped until the release of Metroid: Other M later. The real draw is the multiplayer, which has the distinction of being the ultimate online glitchfest, with the winner being whoever is using a Game Shark or knows the most ways to hide inside walls. Few players were leet enough to remain by the time Nintendo finally shut down the DS online play servers, when it was as if a handful of voices cried out from their moms' basements, and were suddenly silenced.

edit Metroid: Zero Mission

A Game Boy Advance remake of the original Metroid for the NES, with the primary concern of crappy graphics better addressed. A few fans bought this game when they heard about the extra part added at the end where Zero Suit Samus is playable, but were disappointed that the pixelated 2D graphics still didn't provide them the boob jiggling they secretly hoped for. For the most part, this game has since faded into obscurity, as it brought nothing new to the series.

edit Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Metroid fans were done with filler by now, so the third game installment released on the Wii. Dark Samus is recycled as the primary threat from Metroid Prime 2: Echoes, and three new bounty hunters were introduced in this game: one with the best music, one with the most forgettable music, and one which was a gymnastic lesbian constantly trying to rape Samus during her boss fight. They all get infected with some glowing blue chemical, which provided the art team the excuse they needed to overuse the color blue and bloom lighting effects. Samus finally finds the planet where the color blue comes from, then defeats Dark Samus and the Mother Brain ripoff she possesses once and for all.

By this point, many fans started to feel that the Metroid Prime series had gone stale, and Nintendo agreed. They needed a new game which would do better justice for the old 2D "classics", and they secretly set to work on their masterpiece.

edit Metroid: Other M

The critically-acclaimed game which many felt was the best Metroid title ever. Samus receives a distress call from the "Bottle Ship", which is yet another mismanaged biological research station. Upon arrival, she meets her father figure / lover Adam Malkovich, some token black guy who remembers Samus from a previous life, and an android with Mother Brain's programming and severe PMS. The secret connection between Ridley and Furbies is also revealed, further deepening the story.

Critics and fans alike praised the magnificently-written plot, which Nintendo brought William Shakespeare back from the dead for specifically to write on minimum wage and a tight deadline. Samus in particular was praised for finally being portrayed as a strong, compelling character with excellent voice acting. The gameplay, which constantly shifted between a 2.5D shooter and a "Where's Waldo?" first-person mode, was heralded as revolutionary. Given how hard this game was going to be to top, Nintendo is taking its time trying to come up with an even better sequel for the Nintendo 3DS.

edit Upcoming games in the series

The aforementioned cash cow did start to run out of milk, so Nintendo desperately mutated it with some leftover Phazon. Here is what gamers can expect to come out of it, according to the Space Pirate scientists overseeing the experiment.

edit Metroid Prime: Federation Force

Nintendo is currently going all-out on making sure Metroid: Other M is not the series' most memorable moment. Nintendo's design goals for the upcoming title include combining the worst gameplay elements of all the previous titles, re-animating the multiplayer component, and adding some new abominations (and fewer aliens), then wrapping them all up in the artistically-creative style of a Nintendo 64 game in 3D. Metroid Prime: Federation Force will provide Nintendo 3DS owners the best excuse yet to stick to Super Smash Bros. 3DS, Pokémon X/Y or even Mii Plaza for their gaming enjoyment. Nintendo's R&D department is currently trying to figure out how they can compress even more shit into the memory space of a single 3DS game card, hoping to achieve maximum capacity before the game's slated release date of sometime in 2016.

edit The Sexy Secret of Metroid

Sensational international video game developer Nintendo raised some eyebrows (not to mention dropped some monocles from the more well-heeled amongst the international video-game community), when it included a crude scene of the star of the first Metroid title, Samus, doffing her armor and getting hot wax dripped on her by a lecherous metroid as a reward to the gamer for finishing the game in under ten seconds.

Titillated by both the 8-bit rendition of run-of-the-mill sexual sadism and the revelation that the ass-kicking, shooting/jumping hero they had been shooting with and rolling into balls as was, in reality, a woman (albeit an 8-bit woman) gamers everywhere developed an obsessive and irrational love for Metroid. Nintendo, famous for listening to input from fans, quickly rushed out Virtual Boy into mass production, touting its "futuristic three-dimensional gameplay." Sadly, Virtual Boy did not include a Metroid title, and the platform was doomed from the get-go.

When a Metroid title failed to appear on the wildly popular Super Nintendo 32X CD Master System, Metroid fanboys attacked the headquarters of Nintendo America with their homemade light-sabers until escorted away by security.

These sexually-challenged trolls hoped, erroneously, that future games would include further five-second clips of a heavily pixelated woman being abused by a space-jellyfish-thing, but would be disappointed until Nintendo's 2004 exclusive Gamecube release, Gang Bang in the Metroid Lane, which was widely criticized as containing nothing but sticky, hardcore sex, and not so much the shooting, jumping and ball-rolling action that had previously defined the series.

edit Samus Aran

Main article: Samus Aran

Samus Aran was received well by the public (even if it was by sexually-charged teenage boys and weird old men), and was also the main reason that Nintendo decided to acknowledge female gamers, instead of just throwing them into the Black Hole of Calcutta for a century or two whilst continuing to make Game Boys, like they were used to. It appears as though Nintendo received brain cells for a few seconds whilst the idea of Samus Aran was conceived (possibly through chocolate, cocaine or Jesus, or a combination of all three) and decided to act on it, if only to have some fun staring at her chest during the animation times and using the excuse that, "They don't look right, dude. Maybe if I saw them without the Power Suit...".

It is also rumoured that Samus Aran was intended to be the typical jerk-ass hero that attracts male gamers because they can imagine they are as jerk-ass as all that, and that a courageous, computer geek female gamer (identity unknown) broke into Nintendo HQ and changed the last scene so that Samus was a girl in the final credits. It is said that Nintendo didn't even care that its reign of chauvinism in gaming was over- all they saw was big, green money signs.

Although Samus was a breakthrough for female gamers sick and tired of playing a dude, it seems Nintendo still attempts to have as much control as possible- mostly through the Zero Suit, a demeaning suit that lies under her kick-ass Power Suit. The attempt backfired, however, when everyone found the suit super-hot, and every female gamer wanted one. More examples can be seen in Other M- whilst the gamers were expecting Queen Bitch to make a triumphant return, they ended up with a cowering teenager under the command of her former CO, whom she used to diss on a regular basis (we believe for these reasons, that said CO had a "thing" for her), and now instead did everything he said. This, again, backfired as gamers began to see her with feelings and thought she was more kick-ass than ever, for hiding those soul-crushing emotions and blowing up stuff anyway, and that her implied relationship with her CO made her "hot" and "a rebel to Dorkus Federation rules and regulations", and that the fact that she's still alive in the end and he's not proves she's more badass than him.

Gamers are hoping to see some miraculous escape for aforementioned CO (as is tradition with Nintendo- just look at Ridley, that scary son of a bitch just won't die) and a new game that shows Samus and her former CO on a brand new blowing-up stuff and random planets adventure. Except this time, she orders him around.

edit Parents' Groups, Hillary Clinton and "Joltin' Joe" Lieberman React and Save the Childrens

With the controversial 2004 release of Gang Bang, Washington finally took notice of what dateless losers across the world had known for 20 years: there was a woman under the armor, and she was a woman who needed at least three men at the same time to help her through "hard times."

Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman (Conn.), after playing the game for a week straight in his closed chambers, emerged looking rumpled, a bit sweaty and definitely shaken. Said Lieberman:

Truly, if this game is purchased by children, children will be treated to some of the roughest, stickiest, hardest digital sex commercially available, making such virtual sex standards as Virtual Vixen and Sexy Beach 2 look like Peek-a-boo Poker. This cannot happen, and I look forward to examining more Metroid titles in the future, so I can think of some good legislation to pass. For the childrens.

Parents groups, such as MAVVGASSIVGTNNBSG (Mothers Against Violent Video Games and Sexual Situations in Video Games Though Not Necessarily Both in the Same Game), when questioned about the possible negative effects of raw human sexuality epitomized by the latest entry in the Metroid series, started shrieking incoherently and banging on iron pots with wooden spoons to get their point across, though what their point was is unclear at this moment.

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