Metro Trains Melbourne

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043 overcrowded train India

Peak hour trains are often delayed, forcing customers to use extreme methods to ensure they catch the next train to their desired destination.

“Connex apolog.........*static*.....not any more!!!!!!”
~ Metro station announcer on apologies
“It says its Southern Cross, but i see Merinda Park in the window.”
~ Confuzzled women on a Metro Cranbourne service
“All it needs now it needs to be is Emo trains, so i have reason to cut myself on the seat.”
~ An Emo goth lamenting on Metro
“Welcome to Metro, We are not any better than Connex, Metro apologizes for the inconvenience.. Oh wait no we don't ”
~ Metro Train voice-over
“Thank you for traveling with Connex.”
~ Another voice-over from a Commonminge train terminating and blowing up at Ringwood.
~ The scrolling text inside an X'crapper sitting on the other platform at Ringwood. This train will run as far as Laburnum then terminate and blow up there, forcing you to wait over 9000 hours for the next one. This train is canceled due to having bird shit on the windscreen.

Metro Trains Melbourne is the current franchise operator of the suburban railway network of Melbourne, Australia. Metro Trains Melbourne is a joint venture led by Chuck Norris-based Norris is awesome Corporation (9000%) together with John Citizen Group (20%) and United Gay Rail (2%).

Metro Trains Melbourne operates a fleet of approximately 0.35 trains on 2 kilometers of track which may be separated into 16 every day train lines. Metro Trains Melbourne is also responsible for 1 train station and employs a workforce of 500 rail slaves including train huggers (close to their tree counter parts), mecha and furry engineers, network operations slackers and customer service ass kissers.

As mentioned, Metro promised to be better than their predecessor, Cuntex Melbourne. Which isn't difficult. Cuntex, who were booted off the rail network in the UK, went one better down under by hiring Johnathan Metcalfe, who in 2006 single handedly murdered another British train company, GNER Trains, who collapsed. Cuntex, over the years, have consistently proved to be the Aids Virus of the rail network. Nowadays, they are known as Veolia, and are restricted to running bin lorries in Britain.

For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Metro Trains Melbourne.

edit Trampolines/Train Police

To assure that the passengers who are unfortunate enough to catch these trains are adequately dissatisfied, the Metro company employs its own personal fleet of defrosted Nazis, lovingly hand picked from Hitler's personal cryogenic facility hidden in Australia before WW2 started. The Whereabouts of this place are kept top secret as it is where Osama is still playing hide and seek, where the recipes for KFC and the Krabby Patty are kept and where all the porn Disney's have been hidden since Walt died.

edit History

Metro began under the rule of Napoleon Bonaparte in Paris, France, where the Locomotives Melbournais Metro was founded to provide transport for small rodents and the like to the front lines (including one Remy XII, ancestor of the more famous Remy XXX who featured in Ratatouille). It thrived for several years, building up a large web of contacts all across the floor of the Notre Dame before the British victory at Waterloo. The company was seized, and its stock assets transferred to London. It was renamed into English, as the Metro Trains Melbourne, where the translators became quite perplexed why the French had named a business after a city in 'Straya. Nevertheless, it was the name it took, and it continued operations under it, providing rodent transportation across the world.

Over the years, it slowly expanded, eventually purchasing such small Australian establishments as General Motors, Austria and William Shatner, and generally making good returns on its investments. These successes enabled it to bid for the contract to take over Cuntex, which had previously maintained Melbourne trains. Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia at the time, approved it, thinking that he was actually approving the founding of a veterans' metrosexual bar. Thus, Metro Trains Melbourne took over the railways of Melbourne, and within a month. It was forced to abandon rodent transportation, however, due to the large number of deaths caused by passengers trying to leap over the gap onto trains. It moved exclusively into providing for human and Mexican inhabitants of Melbourne, which caused many administrative issues.


Always at the pinnacle of technological advances, Metro Trains Melbourne uses the iTrain to control every train. Using older iPods that have been custom converted, they control all the major aspects of the train, including categorical justifications for when they invariably fail.

edit Trains

The Metro Trains Melbourne fleet consists of:

  • 187 3-car Comingebag EMUs
  • 6 remaining 6-car Gayachi EMUs
  • 72 3-car Siemen EMUs
  • 58 3-car X'Crapolis EMUs
  • Sprinter diesel multiple units hired from V/weegee. (Used for Metro Trains Melbourne services on the unelectrified Malleo Point Line)

All of these trains are re-stickered to Metro's to hide the hell that was Connex.

edit New trains

The government is in the midst of rolling out 38 new X'Trampolines, but only on the worst lines such as El Alamein, Clitfun Hole and Smellgrave, so they can be vandalized quickly to match the rest of the trains. In 3799, these trains will be able to run as far as Pakkaham, Crimebourne, Shittenham, Franga, Upurbuttfield, n00bport and Wezza, at a maximum speed of 40km/h. This is still much faster than the Siemen's trains which cum all over Cockringham and Craigeysbum and take a lot of pulling up to stop, causing them to slide all over the slimy tracks and into cars 300 kilometers past the platform.

edit Old trains

These trains were dragged out of retirement from the 13th century and given a small METRO sticker on the front. They are known as the best trains in Melbourne and the worst trains in the world. These trains will remain until the year 4125 only to be put back in service by their next operator. These trains have no air conditioning despite having air conditioning boxes on the roof and can reach temperatures of over 9000 degrees even when it is only 5 degrees outside. Some of these trains also do not have windows or doors, but still have passengers in them. They have been refurbished using recycled parts from W class trams, bicycles, metal Willow bins and trombones and then finally covered over with corrugated iron, which covered up all the windows and doors. They are commonly seen displaying weird names such as Race Special, East Doncaster, General Motors, St Kilda and Mooroolbark whilst traveling on the Frankston line.

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