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“That's so mainstream...”The Metric System is a system of measurements designed to accurately measure drugs (e.g. "50mg"), guns (e.g. "5.56mm"), and politicians (e.g. "Dennis Kucinich = 50L"). It was created by European scientists in 225 BCE (or possibly sometime in 1728 by a group of rabid France) when they realized that the American system of measurement owned the shit out of them. The scientists then went to the devil and asked him for something to combat this new system with. the Devil happily provided the scientists with the tablets that contained the Metric System.
Note to author: America was indeed founded as we know it today before Europe.
Despite being opposed by Oscar Wilde and the United Spades of America, it managed to enslave the rest of Europe. This was completely unexpected, as it was a product of the cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
The best-known opponent of the Metric System was probably George Washington, who died on a visit to England in 1981 when he was rounded up by rabid mathematicians and divided by zero.
CIA director Stephen Kapps calls the Metric System "The silliest dumbass idea I've ever heard", and generally insults the intelligence of the parents of anyone who uses the system.
- Unit: Hotness
- Abbreviation: h
- Additional Information: Hotness is an arbitrary 1-10 scale, with 10 meaning HOT and 1 meaning NOT (In the United States of Canada HOT is replaced by "Never been this warm here before"). The original plan was to use inches as a measure of temperature, but that plan was scrapped when The Count was arrested for public indecency while calibrating the first metric thermometer.
- Unit: Kilometre
- Abbreviation: k
- Additional Information: A Kilometre is a unit of measurement defined in 1995 as one thousandth the distance one would need to travel in order to lose sight of Vanessa Feltz. A degree is defined similarly, as one hundred-and-eightieth of the angle one would need to rotate in order to lose sight of Vanessa Feltz.
- Unit: As Long as Your Arm
- Abbreviation: MLQVB
- Additional Information: This is a relative unit, which, unlike the speed of light, is different for all observers. Mixing this measurement with others can be dangerous, due to its dynamic nature.
- Unit: A Piece of String
- Abbreviation: PS
- Additional Information: This is a unit of measurement defined in 1967 after a lengthy investigation by a group of Swedish Mathematicians whose aim was to answer the age old question "How long is a piece of string". The Swedes found that the average length of a piece of string (discovered by folding a piece of string in half measuring the length and multiplying the answer by 2) was in fact 1.46m, which coincidentally is the minimum length required to hang yourself.
- Unit: Wilco
- Abbreviation: Wi
- Additional Information: 1 Wilco is defined as 1/300 the distance left to travel to your destination. This unit is very convenient when traveling with annoying kids asking how far it is every single minute (300 Wilco).
- Unit: Beard Second
- Abbreviation: BS
- Additional Information: Defined as the length the average beard grows in a second.
- Unit: WHAT?
- Abbreviation: W
- Additional Information: 1W IS DEFINED AS THE VOLUME OF A SHITLOAD OF HEAVY METAL WHEN YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE FUCKING SPEAKERS.
- Unit: Barrel of monkeys
- Abbreviation: b
- Additional Information: The Count was so very fond of barrels of monkeys that he made the conversion rates from other units of fun way too high. For instance, One Barrel of monkeys (a unit designed to replace the archaic system of counting fun in Cans of Whoop-Ass) equals approximately 1,000 Hours of entertainment. As a result, the milli-barrel of monkeys (mb) is far more common, though centi-barrel of monkeys and kilo-barrel of monkeys are also common.
- Unit: PokeInTheEyeWithASharpStick
- Abbreviation: piASS
- Additional Information: A PIEWASS is equivalent to 1 over a Barrel of Monkeys. Historians believe it to be related to the amount of fun experienced when a sharp implement is introduced to one's eyeball, however this is highly disputed based on lack of evidence and the fact that significant numbers of volunteers to test the theory have not been forthcoming. Thus some more useful points of reference are:
- 1 milliPIEWASS - the amount of fun experienced when one stubs one's toe.
- 1 centiPIEWASS - equals to 10 milliPIEWASS.
- 1 PIEWASS - equals to 100 centiPIEWASS, which is like having a surgery by being stabbed in the ass.
- 1 KiloPIEWASS - equals to 1000 PIEWASS, which is the same as the amount of fun experienced when one's planet is obliterated seconds after one is beamed onto a Vogon Constructor Fleet spaceship.
- 1 MegaPIEWASS - equals to 1000 KiloPIEWASS, which is the same as the amount of fun experienced when at a Cliff Richard concert.
- Unit: Fuctometre
- Abbreviation: fm
- Additional Information: The fuctometre is calculated as 3.1415926535 x the circumference of the item that was found in the anus of the fuct. Typical items found in the anus include: highlighters (1.58fm), watermelon (37.70fm), gerbil (5.26fm).
- Unit: Shitload
- Abbreviation: s
- Additional Information: Purely by coincidence, the unit of stuff in the old English system is also called the Shitload. Thus it is usually necessary to clarify whether you are using Metric Shitloads or Imperial Shitloads.
- Unit: Crapload
- Abbreviation: c
- Additional Information: The crapload is a BIPM-approved synonym for a millishitload.
- Unit: Assload
- Abbreviation: Ass
- Additional Information: The international unit of the assload is derived by multiplying the average mass/volume/surface area by the universal unit for load: Avagadro's Number (6.02 x 10^23). Therefore,
Mass: 1 assload = 1.204 x 10^24 kg which is approximately 1/5 the mass of the earth.
Metric Fuckton is another unit for mass. There are 69mft (metric fucktons) to 1 assload
Volume: 1 assload = 1.12 x 10^27 cm^3 which is approximately 2.68 x 10^10 times the volume of earth.
Surface Area: 1 assload = 4.395 x 10^26 cm^2 which is approximately 8.62 x 10^9 times the surface area of earth.
Full calculations can be found at: http://eventides.net/writings/assload.htm
- Unit: As far as I could throw her
- Abbreviation: t
- Additional Information: Unfortunately, the As far as I could throw her is often confused with the Kilometre, the metric unit of distance. I can't understand why. It makes perfect sense to me.
- Unit: Megafonzie
- Abbreviation: EEHHHH!!!!!
- Additional Information:Coolness is measured in Megafonzies, as discovered by Professor Huborg Gay Farnsmurf. He stole the idea from that old guy in Futurama, and that's why Ultra Jesus will have to give him a stern talkin' to. One Fonzie is defined as the amount of coolness associated with banging a juke box and making it play. Because this amount of coolness is so small, the larger "Megafonzie" is used as the standard (similar to the use of kilogram instead of gram). It is in no way related to Fonzie from Family Guy, nor is it related to the United Arab Emirates, despite popular belief. Furthermore, un-coolness is measured in a much more important unit, the Anti-Megafonzie. Unlike Megafonzies, which are simply used as banana growth hormones when they are reincarnated in human form, Anti-Megafonzies have been known to cause illness in mammals, as well as several danimals. Anti-Megafonzies are a deadly thing, for no existing force has the ability to prevent their spreading, however, it is theorized that one may be able to construct an Anti-Megafonzie shield... said shield being composed of several "The Doors" CDs bonded together with ice cream. Such a shield has never been successfully completed, though scientists are getting pretty durn close. In the meantime, protect yourself from contamination by avoiding things that emitt Anti-Megafonzies, such as this article, which seems to be emitting them at such a rate that you are surely dead by now. We apologize for this, and probably should have told you sooner.
- Unit: Dulé
- Abbreviation: Du
- Additional Information: Smoothness, a quantity related to coolness by the reduced jazz constant, is measured in Dulé, after Dulé Hill, the King of Smooth, macker of President's Daughters. The Dulé, unlike the Fonzie, is a rather large unit; average humans rank on the millidulé scale, while certain famed cassanovas rank on the decidulé scale. A negative Dulé measure indicates creepiness. The standards of measure are Dulé Hill (+1 Dulé) and Michael Jackson (-1 Dulé), which are kept in the conditions specified in 1889 at the BIPM in Sevres, France.
- Unit: Lightyear
- Abbreviation: ly
- Additional Information: A light year is the distance that light travels in one year in a vacuum cleaner. In the rest of the universe it's about 112mph.
- Unit: The Metric Second
- Abbreviation: ms
- Additional Information: Metric Time is a superior measure of time, with 10 Metric Hours in a day. It also comes with a cool slogan "Get with the times, the Metric Times"
- Unit: Moment
- Abbreviation: '~`
- Additional information: The metric moment is equal to eleven metric instants. As a packet of instant noodles takes 2 minutes to cook, a metric moment is equal to 20 minutes (2 times 10, ya see!)
- Unit: Instant
- Abbreviation: iNt
- Addiitonal information: The metric instant is defined as either the time it takes to cook a packet of instant noodles(see above) or how long it takes for a drunk Australian Teenager to down a can of beer.
- Unit: Milliinstant
- Abbreviation: miNt
- Unit: the milliHelen
- Abbreviation: m♀
- Additional Information: Named for the legendary Helen of Troy. A milliHelen is enough beauty to launch one ship. The derived milli unit is commonly used as it's been a long time since anyone launched a thousand of anything other than Wal-Marts. In practice, recent worldwide defense cutbacks mean that we will see more and more of the microhelen (sufficient beauty to dislodge a bar of soap from the edge of the bath) and the nanoHelen (n♀). One nanoHelen is sufficient beauty to launch one new Murdoch Tabloid.
- Unit: The Belgium
- Abbreviation: Hg
- Additional Information: Deforestation, Icepack retreat and highway land coverage are all measured using this unit. It was intended to replace a number of national units whose origins and uses tended to be politically divisive. It is roughly equivalent to:
- UK: 1.4751 Wales
- France: 15683 Monacos
- Spain: 4705 Gibraltars - replaced the Netherland in 1713
- Germany: 0.0978 Polands (= 1 Lebensraum)
- Italy: 1.2012 Sillys
- Canada: 0.0153 Nunavuts
- Denmark: 0.0153 Nunavuts
- USA: 9.7395 Rhode Islands
- Australia: 0.3370 Tasmanias (or 0.1344 Victorias under the Imperial system)
- Unit: PussyHair
- Abbreviation: PH
- Additional Information: It is the force of attraction a body (the PH, according to the Metric System) has to another body (a male one). A single PH can drive a man to sentences like "i love you, hun" and "I'm not like all the others, I don't care for Super Bowl, darling". It's been calculated that the gravity force of the sun applied to a coconut 1000 k away is 2 PH. The measure has been establish in 1907 upon a Helen of Troy's pussy hair found in 1987 in North Dakota.
A ROBOTNIK = A FUCKING DBAG
- Unit: Royale with cheese
- Abbreviation: Travolta
- Additional Information: You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris? They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is. They call it a Royale with cheese. However, this statement is BullShit, since the Imperial system is learned from watching American TV shows in Europe.
- Unit: Schnarf
- Abbreviation: BUG
- Additional Information: This differs from the SI unit, the Button. "As cute as a button" implies precisely 1,000 times the cuteness as "cute as a bug" does.
- Unit: Rug
- Abbreviation: QZQF
- Additional Information: A rug is equivalent to the amount of traction needed to prevent the sliding of a sock-wearing timber wolf pursuing an eight-year-old around a standard-sized kitchen table.
- Unit: Bug-Rug
- Abbreviation: -
- Additional Information: One bug per rug. Two bug-rugs is equivalent to the snugness of two bugs in one rug, or one bug in two rugs.
- Unit: slur
- Abbreviation: wtf
- Additional Information: The metric legal drinking limit is 1 wtf, or 1 can of beer for those of you who need imperial units to understand anything. This is another reason why the metric system sucks, you can get busted for DUI after not drinking as much as would get you busted here. Then again, it is Canadian Beer which most Americans can't seem to handle in one night anyways. Many alcoholics want the limit removed completely, but the bastards in Parliament refuse this idea.
Orgasmity (Or gaz meaty)
- Unit: Borg
- Abbreviation: 69
- Additional Information: The metric unit, Borg, is equal to one "got laid." Other units described here:
- 1 picoborg - had sex with Michael Jackson
- 1 nanoborg - had sex with same sex.
- 1 microborg - (almost) had sex with a transvestite
- 1 milliborg - masturbation
- 1 centiborg - mutual masturbation
- 1 deciborg - having the opposite sex give you pleasure
- 1 borg - having sex
- 1 decaborg - had sex with a really hot person of the opposite sex
- 1 hectaborg - had/gave blowjob
- 1 kiloborg - had two persons of the opposite sex fuck you
- 1 megaborg - had sex with a celebrity
- 1 gigaborg - had sex with a hot celebrity
- 1 teraborg - had sex with a porn star while NOT being filmed
- 1 petaborg - had sex with a Greek/Roman goddess who gave you the ability of no-fatigue and ultra-sperm
- Unit: school
- Abbreviation: DMV
- Additional Information: It is obvious why the unit for suckiness is schools. However, suckiness can also be expressed in negative amounts of barrels of monkeys.
- 1 picoschool - dropping your pen
- 1 nanoschool - your plane being delayed by 5 Minutes.
- 1 microschool - getting a small electric shock.
- 1 millischool - It's raining out.
- 1 centischool - not being able to think of anything to do.
- 1 decischool - parents make you do chores when you say you can't think of anything to do.
- 1 school - going to school
- 1 dekaschool - going to school and getting homework in every class.
- 1 hectaschool - going to school and having a test in every class.
- 1 kiloschool - going to school and taking a final in every class.
- 1 megaschool - getting grounded from a concert.
- 1 gigaschool - getting busted for possession, and it really is just your friend's.
- 1 teraschool - getting butt-raped in prison.
- 1 petaschool - getting butt-raped by Michael Jackson.
Unreal Tournament Kill Level
- Unit: kill
- Abbreviation: kill
- Additional Information: The Kill Level unit of measure was developed by Epic Games when creating Unreal Tournament in order to overcome difficulties some players may experience with counting. The Kill Level measurement goes from Regular Kill to HOLY SHIT for a total of 9 degrees of kills in Unreal Tournament.
- Regular Kill
- Double Kill
- Multi Kill
- Over Kill
- Mega Kill
- Ultra Kill
- M-m-m-monster Kill
- Ludicrous Kill
- HOLY SHIT!
There are no units of measure after the ninth, however, as most Unreal Tournament players cannot count any higher, if at all.
- Unit: Ho's
- Abbreviation: (.Y.)
- Additional Information: This needs no additional information.
- Unit: Abo power
- Abbreviation: Ap
- Additional Information: Abo power of one is equal to the smell of one abo, witch is a lethal combination of alcohol and Cigarettes
- Unit: Maddox
- Abbreviation: MD
- Additional Information: It usually takes several men (ranging from two to anywhere in the thousands) to equate to one MD.
- Unit: Millards
- Abbreviation: ml
- Additional Information: Discovered by John Fortescue Smith of Bairnsdale, Victoria, Australia.
Apparently one Millard possesses the immaturity level of two to three primates, more specifically any breed of monkey. The term "Millard" was coined by Smith when he witnessed a young Lachlan Millard parading about like a nob in the same manner he had five years ago, when last Smith had witnessed the act. And yes, there were colourful streamers involved.
- Unit: Priscilla Queen of the Desert
- Abbreviation: pqd
- Additional Information: This unit has been in use since 1994 when it was standarised by Al Clark. Exposure to 1pqd/h is enough to make the average man squirm unconforatably and possibly inflict lasting mental truma. Interestingly 10pgd is thought to be the difference between Bill Gate's and Steve Job's gayness levels. Working from the above information one should try not so meet both of them without at least a 10 hour transition period.
- Unit: The day you were born
- Abbreviation: 8
- Additional Information: About as naked as one can be, with the exception of those who wore their placenta on the way out, which may be worn as a hat.
The metric alphabet is called the decabet, being composed of only ten letters: A, B, C, D, E, G, K, Q, X, and Z. Excessive diphthong use and the use of "half-letters" (for example, an E with only one and quarter horizontal lines, as opposed to two and a half) compensates for this small letter pool.
Orders of Magnitude
The metric system gives attractive discounts for orders of magnitude. For example, if you buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, you actually get 74 gigabytes. Different orders of magnitude are indicated using special prefixes. For example:
- Terapin : 1012 pins – the size of plugs found on old game consoles, though not the size of any of the sockets
- Decimal: animal with 10-1 legs (approximately 10-0.42 times fewer legs than a bath towel)
- Centimental: A person with 10-2 times normal emotional intelligence
- Nanogoat: an extremely small (10-9) portion of goat, constituting 10-11.2 of the Recommended Daily Intake of goat
- Millitarry: a slight (10-3) delay
- Picoboo: a very subtle (10-12) expression of disapproval
- Kilowhale: Moby Dick, 103 times more deadly than Bambi