Methodists

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Logo of the United Methodist Church

The only flaming cross black people have ever enjoyed seeing.

Methodism, or Crystal Methodism, was founded by a study group of Anglican priests to get rich quick with alchemy.

edit History

edit Walter Whitefield

Walter Whitefield was probably the most famous religious figure of the 18th century, responsible for 18,000 batches of sermons of Crystal Methodism and getting 10 million hooked on Jesus during a period known as the great awakening, so named because everyone was tweaking out on God and couldn't sleep. Mr. White was an overworked teacher at Oxford, teaching students, helping them bathe, take out their garbage, carry their books and even writing their assignments. But than he got cancer and his insurance couldn't cover it and looking for the Philosopher's Stone as a cure. There he met the Wesley brothers John and Charles, street preachers who had found a much easier way to make money than turning lead into gold.

Mr. White started in his home town of Gloucester after the brothers went down to Georgia looking for some souls to steal. He soon followed them and realized they would need more hands and a better cover for their cooks, so he set about constructing an orphanage. Whitefield went back to England and struck gold with the miners of Kingswood, earning enough to build Bethesda, the oldest front for a meth lab in North America. White, like Alcoholics Anonymous preached that their was a higher power and that he was the author of all evils, whom decides how easily you get addicted to total depravity and relapse into original sin. He quickly became the first international celebrity, selling his poison where ever he went.

White dealt drugs nearly every day for months to large crowds of sometimes several thousand people as he traveled throughout the colonies, especially New England. His journey on horseback from New York City to Charleston was the longest then undertaken; they never caught him because he used the horse as a drug mule, and no one in their right mind wants to give a horse a cavity search without a cart full of tranquilizers. He included slaves in his revivals, because everyone should be free to help him build his drug empire.

Benjamin Franklin even attended one of Whites meetings in Philadelphia Pennsylvania, computing he could be heard by over thirty thousand people in the open air; and introducing him and Wesley brothers to the modern miracles of medical electrocution. Franklin had been researching the works of Joseph Conrad Dippel in an attempt to find a way to live forever, and needed some legal defense after the police found all the slave skeletons in his basement. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Benjamin Franklin 1767

Benjamin Franklin reading from the Necronomicon.

edit The Wesley Brothers

When John Wesley was five he nearly died when the local church caught fire, convincing him that god really hated those other churches and that people needed to be saved by firemen and to always refill the emergency baptismal font. When he teaching Greek at Oxford. It was here he met White and realized his knack for preaching on behalf of prisoners. His legal skills became evident following the death of one of their holy crew, Morgan Wesley, whom White than baptized in a vat of acid to dispose of the body evidence, as John successfully defended them of murder. John negotiated a deal with the Native American cartel but returned to England a failure, where he was than banned from the parish pulpit and forced to preach on the street again.

Charles or Chuck was less adventurous than his older brother, though a talented open air preacher he succumbed to an illness now known to be severe agoraphobia from the alleged electromagnetism of the butter being churned by the Amish, windmills and lightning storms, and remained indoors composing hymns and briefs.

edit Beliefs

Methodists don't believe in purgatory, relics, and prayer to saints; but believe in witches. They also think man can become 110% perfect. The founders of methodism had differing views on whether the carpenter Jesus Pinkman was chained enslaved by Neo-Nazis and forced to make meth for the sake of all of humanity or only for the divinely elect. In contrast to Baptists, Methodists are good at keeping a beat to their bible thumping; and are thus allowed to dance.

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