Metallica
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“Metallica? Never knew them personally, but I was their neighbor back in 1986. Charming lads they were, although I can't say much for that Danish nutbar. What was his name again...Ulfa?”
~ Jimbo Wales on Metallica and Lars Ulrich
“I like James more than Lars and I think everbody does. I have no problems with James, but I don't really like Kirk cause he got my job. So I nailed his girlfriend before I left.”
~ Dave Mustaine on top of Kirk Hamster's pregnant ex-girlfriend
“I wrote that song! And that song! I WROTE THIS WHOLE FUCKIN' ALBUM!”
~ Dave Mustaine on Metallicas new album
Metallica, aka "$™" (pronounced cha-ching - not to be confused with chk-chk-chk or Ka-Ching) are the most successful band, mining resource company & horticultural enterprise ever in the universe, lead by singer/guitarist/Cowardly Lion in the Wizard Of Oz/international terrorist James Hatfield with Diet Coke & Lemon sponsor/Cabbage Patch kid/successful lawyer/ casual percussionist Lars $muldich. The band, who have been established for less than 6 months, attribute their longetivity to "conforming to current trends and producing music that appeals to deaf people, and also supplying the best pomegranate grafts that money can buy...mmyyyeahh!".
With over 0 album sales worldwide, although not a single person has ever admitted to owning a Metallica album (let alone buying one) brought forth by an occurance called DMP (Disappearing Money Phenomenon), which is thought to occur every five years, when fans hear that the next upcoming Metallica album is "a return to their old roots", and has "fast double bass…complex just like ‘Justice!’". Many scientists believe DMP to be a form of brainwashing, leading to the discovery of a microprocessor chip found embedded in Metallica’s 2003 album St. Wanker, which subconciously ordered fans to 'buy all the albums', and to 'defend the trashcan snare in all its glory’. Lars Smuldich vehemently denies the use of said chip, but thought it to be a great idea for future albums. After the trashcan snare incident Metallica agreed to make 1 album every 10-15 years.
Smuldich was at the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'bang the trash' technique: whereas those before and after him became respected drummers by practicing and getting better, $muldich took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a drumming God' approach. $muldich is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while driving a car whilst popping viagra.
Contents |
History
Early Days
Metallica - originally "Metallic", but due to James' obsession with adding "ARGHH" on the end of most words the band soon became "Metallica", formed in 1981 when James Hatfield (later known as Triple H) placed an ad in the L.A. Times personals looking for "someone with a European influence willing to make hard noises with ambitions to be on top, must be hobbit-sized and willing to give up a failing tennis career. No fatties!". Lars $muldich promptly responded to the ad, albeit for all the wrong intents and purposes. After a hefty sack beating, Hatfield set the virile (and sterile) $muldich straight and quickly assigned him to the role of 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing', whilst Hatfield played guitar and placed best friend and 'beer getter' Ron McGovernment on bass-box, tax lodgments and utility bills. Soon enough, after a string of unsuccessful lead bassoon players, they found L.A. native and fiercely friendly redhead Dave Mustardstain and started off touring the L.A. club circuit under the name Farmer O’Hoolihan’s Keg O’ Beer Blast Mania, showcasing McGovernment’s skilled delivery as a keg tapper. It wasn’t until 1983, with low turnouts to their live shows, that they realized they needed a change in name and a change in style of music. For a short time they settled on Megadebt but thought the name to be too un-marketable, soon re-changing their name to Metallica, which was stolen by Lars from local rock-radio DJ and gutter transvestite Rooney ‘Runny’ Quindon, which originated from a lost wager by Quindon in which he had to lick dry the steel grating floor of the beer trough at the Whisky-A-Go-Go.
By June 1983 however, tensions within the band were at an all-time high. Mustardstain, who proclaimed himself to be originator, writer, formulator and proprietor of the band and music in general and thus the sole creator of the band’s newly discovered soup-thrash-metal genre, was clashing with every band member. Pre-show rituals for Mustardstain included starting head-butting fights with Hatfield, kicking around McGovernment’s dog, Ghost Mutt (a sound byte from said action was later sampled by cheesemeltcore band Ferocious Enemas’ song ‘Die, Fido, Die’), and pouring beer on $muldich’s 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing', which promptly gave Smuldich an electric shock when he plugged it in to play. Despite his convictions, the band decided to keep Mustardstain in Metallica, as he was the only one with a car at the time.
Clifford ‘Red Dog Astro Turf’ Burton, aka The Baked Bass Blitzer, replaced Ron McGovernemt after James and Lars decided Ron was better suited to playing the role of 'beer getter' more than anything else. Cliff was known to not be human; in fact his being was totally comprised of bong resin and Cheetos, and occasionaly remains of Fritos. But in many peoples eyes, he is a bass god, and no one could finger faster then him, as a matter of fact, he could finger really well into practically anyones mom, even your own mom most likely
Soon after Burton joined the band, Dave Mustardstain decided he had enough and wanted to start a better band, experimenting with the new junkie-bad-boy-metal sound, thus forming Megadebt (which was stolen by Mustardstain from Lars). They later found Kirk Hamster to fill in for Mustard, but high-rolling times were not the order of the day:
"After getting the phone call, a day later I arrived at the hotel in New York at noon only to find these three guys in the lobby dropping their pants for food, whilst singing the H.M.S. Pinafore light opera. It was a shambles - the lighting was all wrong, I just felt so...verklempt.."
- Kirk Hamster - Kerrang Magazine
Mustardstain to this day claims his entire musical input to have been ripped off by the band for their first three albums, stating that "...the only song they ever wrote up until 1988 was 'Escape' - I wrote the songs, I developed the image, and I shaped the genre. I loved Lars like nobody else could." To this day, Mustardstain still makes surprise appearances on stage with the band on occasion, usually without consent from the band or the venue security, and contests that the 'front-man' wars are far from over.
With Burton and Hamster in the fold, they released their debut album Greatest Hits in 1983 which was a tragic failure. So bad, that Metallica won't aknowledge its existence. They were able to make up for it's failure with their second debut album I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt shortly after in 1983, and slowly built a cult following with fans, releasing Lightning Can Kill – Avoid Riding It At All Costs! in 1984. Soon enough their popularity and street cred gained huge momentum, followed by the now-classic 1986 release Pastor of Muppets. Whilst on tour in Sweden, the band visited a flea market, where Cliff insisted on seeing a fortune teller. The revelations were scary, when by himself he asked if the band would still be around in ten years' time, he was shown visions of shortened mousse-styled hair, pimp suits, martinis and Leonard Cohen-influenced music. Abruptly, Cliff went AWOL and disappeared without a trace. To this day, Burton has been the most widely-featured missing persons photo on Logan Farms milk cartons, and a prominent feature on Robert Stack’s 'Unsolved Mysteries'. If you know the whereabouts of Clifford 'Red Dog Astro Turf' Burton please contact your local authorities. Or just hold him for ransom
Enter Newkid
The band, determined not to let Burton’s departure end the band, took onboard newcomer Jason 'Big Shoes' Newkid, and released the obscure Garbage Daze Re-Revivisected - Pay No More Than $..... It featured covers of Kraftwerk’s Autobahn and Kermit The Frog’s Rainbow Connection among other songs. Despite being quite an odd release, it went to #20 on the Billboard Bizarre-O/Crazy Charts and soon went out of print due to an unexplained fire at WEA’s record manufacturing plant.
Deciding to become a progressive rock band, Smuldich immediately took drum lessons, and teaming up with Phleming Ratmuffin, the biggest disco producer in Denmark at the time, released the complicated ...And Sputnik For Alf. Featuring 9 songs, each over 40 minutes in length per track in a 5 CD set, it was an immense change in direction for the band. Gone were the triangles and 'bottle-cap stick shaker things', and in its place were dry, distorted guitars, wet newspaper drums and a guest appearance by fecal-metal band Flock Of Shitting Seagulls. Rumors were rife at the time stating Newkid and Hamster did not appear on the album at all, but these myths were soon dispelled as Newkid can be heard muttering an order on the phone for Chinese food during Frayed Ends Of My Toaster Oven Lead, and Hamster can be heard on Browneye Of The Beholder arguing with Lars as to which shoes to wear to the Serengeti opera.
After the mammoth ...Sputnik tour of 1989, the band came to tire of playing the album’s lengthy songs live, sometimes performing for up to 72 hours straight in concert. Carefully calculating the formula for the ‘perfect song’, they hired well-known cock-rock producer Bob Crock for what became their fifth album, Snakes On A Plain Black Cover (by the way, Can Anyone See My Snake?). Despite the fact this was the first album to use actual drums, bass and guitar musicianship, many fans felt alienated that the band took a drastic turn musically to compete with the likes of Paula Abdul and New Kids On The Block. Said Smuldich: “The first time we heard Step By Step by NKOTB we knew we had to "step" (Smuldich physically demonstrating the use of quotation 'glyphs' whilst his bangles jangle freely on his arms) it up a notch to compete for the number one spot in metal.” Songs such as Through The Neverland Ranch (Ode To Michael xxx), Enter Sandwich and Whenever I Phone Gary Cole were big hits with radio fans, but unfortunately most of the band’s core fanbase had left by this stage.
Whilst on their hugely successful Nowhere Else To Make Money Tour in 1992, Hatfield was burnt onstage by flash fireworks whilst acting out his part as the Cowardly Lion in their Wizard Of Oz theater segment of the show. He received third degree burns on his arms, hands and ass, forcing Lars to bathe him, feed him beans every night and wipe him after every leaving. The stress was taking its toll on the band and soon enough after 321 dates the band finished their tour in 1993, taking a break from music and theater and basking in the spoils of their riches - buying luxury mansions, Ferraris and other crazy expensive cars, expensive art crap, cocaine habits and homosexuality. The trappings of fortune and fame had finally caught up with the band.
To The Hairdresser, Leroy!
In 1996 the band released Loaf, written entirely by Hatfield and Smuldich during the Great Meatloaf Wars of '77. The band cut their metal locks and sported pimp suits, fur coats, eyeliner, cock rings and high heels. The tour was the most unsuccessful stage tour in history, for every night in performance the stage caved in, shooting flaming wood at everyone, destroying the equipment and killing innocent people. Despite repairing and surveying the rigs every night, the same problem would happen, and no engineer could ever come to a conclusion as to why it did. In total, 23,435 innocent fans lost their lives on this tour. The lawsuits still continue to this day. If only they kept their hair long......
ReLoaf (More Meat Here!) saw the light of day in 1997, when Smuldich suggested taping Top 40 radio songs and playing drums over them backwards to appeal to the middle-aged demographic and to compete with Sting in heavy metal circles. Whilst not as musically strong as Loaf, the new radio fans ate it up like hungry lap-dogs and it quickly went to #2 on the Billboard Sell-Out Charts. Smuldich sunk into a deep depression because of its failure to hit the #1 spot. Garbage Inc. was duly released in 1998 as a desperate attempt to regain their old-school fan base, playing cover tunes such as Jeff Daniels’ Grandfather’s Hat, Steven Seagal’s Alligator Ass, and even covering their own song again; Enter Sandwich – Pt 2 (With Added Cowbell). The album was a commercial flop, even with the originally-deleted Garbage Days Re-revivisected... added on Disc 2 – but by this stage no one would book Metallica to play anywhere. With the band’s fortune dwindling, Metallica were slipping closer to bankruptcy. Hatfield spiralled deep into alcoholism, sometimes drinking up to a six-pack of beer a day.
Corporation, Inc.
To circumvent their ever-dwindling losses in the music industry, Metallica branched out into other avenues. The launch of their Mining Resources Company proved to be a major success for the Canadian mining industry, with iron ore as a trading commodity reaching an all-time high, no doubt a financial boon for the company’s growing number of share investors in the stock market. The corporation also extracts other precious metals, such as Black Sabbath, which has the properties of (Ti), Iron Maiden (Fe), which is apparently extremely flammable, and Led Zeppelin (Pb), which is radioactive, extremely heavy, and forms compounds capable of flight and speech.
2007 roll-call:
Lars 'Tiny Hram' Smuldich President & Chief Executive Officer
- - Over 30 years of experience in the mining industry, including senior management positions over the past 20 years.
James ‘All In A Day’s Work’ Hatfield Vice President, Chief Financial Officer & Secretary
- - Over 20 years of finance, tax and accounting experience, including senior management positions over the past 12 years.
Kirk 'Crisco' Hamster Office Telecommunications Consultant
- - Over 12 years' experience removing jammed paper from photocopiers. Entirely resistant to promotion and/or relevancy.
Robert 'In Da Mist' Gorillo Mascot and self-esteem boost for Hamster
- - 2 years of experience of having opposable thumbs. Played ape #4 in Tarzan 3: There Are Muthafuckin' Chimps in this Muthafuckin’ Jungle.
Among other successes, the launch of their independent chain of nurseries throughout the USA’s Midwest, Jump In The Flora, has seen potential growth by 26.5% pa since its establishment in 1999. Where else can you go for Cocos palms and rare hybrid petunia seedlings for less than half the price of their major competitors? With 21 outlets and growing, the business more than accommodates for the influx of illegal aliens entering the country looking for low-wage, cash-in-hand labour.
Branigan: Begin Again
In the fall of 2003, after 5 years in the booming horticultural and mining industries, Metallica released St. Wanker worldwide. Not many people know that the correct way to pronounce the title is rather cockney: "Sain' Wenkaehhhh!!!!", followed immediately with a headbutt and a kick to the groin of the person next to you. This is even a community tradition in the shire of Shadwell, London.
The sheer songwriting complexity is amazing, thanks to the help of Apple computer’s first prototype artificial-intelligence machine purpose-built for the recording sessions: the Sbaitso 3000. The songs were automatically cut and pasted, looped, synched and cropped to fit all on a CD’s length of 80 minutes worth of music. The Sbaitso 3000 also designed the artwork and packaging, marketing, press and manufacturing, and fed Lars’ cocaine habit as well. Said Smuldich; "I feel this is, umm... the next logical step in making music, from our humble chimp ancestors sorting tiny screws in space, to the, umm... Sbaitso 3000 producing, engineering and releasing an album in as little as six days."
Lars Smuldich did not actually play drums on any songs in St. Wanker. All Percussion sounds are made from audio clips of Lars Smuldich after he found out that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was truthfully, not butter. These audio clips were then dubbed into random songs in the album.
The other 2 years and 8 months spent making of St. Wanker were taken up with deliberating on who would be the next Metallica bassist: Bob Crock or shrink coach Dr. Phil "Constant Use" Towel. It was eventually decided neither would be suitable for the band and both were promptly shot out of a cannon pointed towards Providence, RI.
The newly teetotal guys from Metallica then hired a new bassist right from the jungles of Africa, Robert Gorillo, from the newly discovered gorilla-man species. He was offered the bass and his salary is unbelievably high: 1 ton of bananas a day.
Newkid had left the band two years before this, unhappy with the direction the Jump In The Flora chain of nurseries was heading; which involved the introduction of a new line of manures made directly from the contents of Smuldich’s septic tank as a way to cut production costs. He had also been offered a position as bassist for Canadian metallers VodVod, and thought it the right time to join a band that actually had some degree of musical talent.
There has always been a large debate over what Metallica's best song is: Frantic or Purify? Unfortunately, due to some strange trash can sounds that appear every time one listens to either song, the debate still rages on.
Trash Can Days
After the success of St. Wanker (According to Lar$), 'Tallica decided in 2004 to release Some Kind Of Trash Can that goes BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG when you hit it with a stick six times; a Betamax & VHS documentary about how and why they released St. Wanker, along with another unforgettable moments 'Tallica went through since 2000: How Mr. Trashy the Trash Can was found after several castings, Animal Planet's Zoo Cribs visit to Robert Gorillo's shelter in the deep of the amazon, Kirk's struggling to release a new Chocolate Cereal in North Korea, Hatfield's addiction to frog-licking during live shows, Jason Newkid's alliance with Dave Grohl in order to appear in every rock band ever made, and the fully emotional-but-not-gay, passionate, heart breaking, edited, and exciting encounter-interview of Lar$ and his now-abandoned fella, Dave Mustardstain, in the outsides of a Copenhagen's Porn Cinema.
Said Dave: "I Didn't Cry. I mean, I'm Dave Mustardstain, for the love of god. I have no tears. I want to say that Lars was the only one who cried in that documentary (And maybe that handsome Make-Up assistant), because I didn't cry. I also want to state that Lars and me didn't ended up in a Copenhagen's pub crying about the way we were back on 1982, and I didn't say he was the most important person in my life while soaking in tears and holding a Jack Daniels bottle in my left hand. I didn't cry. Clear?". Lars and Dave's crying moans, Kirk's Cereal Ads, James "TIC-TIC-TIC" groans in Rehab and Robert's babblings were all recorded, mixed up and released in an EP named Trash Can Daze: The Some Kind of Mustardstain E.P. (Feat. Dave Mustardstain), but found little success (except in North Korea, where Kirk's Cereal is now considered one of the greatest cereal's ever made).
Back On The Road, Leroy!!!
Throughout their career, they have always been too lazy to give songs real god damn names. Hence every new song they write is entitled The New Song, and nobody bothers to change it when they write another one. The apparent laziness had reached a new level on tour in 2006 when they released their The Other New Song (Woahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), in which they were too lazy to even write lyrics for the damn song. Hatfield explains it thus: "We're being original and a step ahead of every other band. Thinking outside the trashcan, we raise the bar for the whole metal genre...mmmyyeeeaaaahhh!!! I cant fuck up the words, coz there are no words. We're writing as we go along." Kirk, ever the optimist said, "Actually, its supposed to sound like this."
Metallica entered the studio to start writing and recording their follow-up to St. Wanker under the careful eye of Rick 'The Holocaust Never Happened' Rubin. Sources said Smuldich would even return to the 'bottle-cap stick shaker thing' for old-time’s sake, but high hopes were objectively shot down, as most of the waiting world had moved on to bigger, better and more inspiring advancements. Metallica in 2005 went largely unnoticed in musical circles, yet remained unsurpassed in the fields of potting mix and open-cut mining. In the end, they gave up and started smoking pot along with the likes of Britney Spears.
In 2008, Metallica headlined the Leeds and Reading Weekend...which was nice of them.
HAIRY COFFINS!
On October 12, 2008, Metallica got high on cough syrup and their own greedy money in a back alley somewhere in Denmark. They accidentally ingested the trash cans that Lars used on St. Wanker, with the result that when they crapped, a magnetic field was developed around the public loo. This field interfered with the radio transmission, resulting in radio users around the world being treated to the sound of James and Lars making out, and Robert grunting merrily. To save face, Kirk strung some bicycle brake cords across an old shoebox and started hitting the arrangement with his head. This is just another example of how radio friendly Metallica have become. Said Lars of the experience, "I have never had such a good shag since Dave Mustard took my cherry back in '82. The sound of Robert grunting 'I Kissed a Camel...I Liked It' really turns me on."
Celebrated producer Rick Rubin (System Of A Down, Slayer, Dixie Chicks, Linkin Park) delved into the toilets and harvested the solids to create Metallica's new album, IM SO FUCKING RICH AND MANLY MY SOLID CHROME COFFINS GONNA GROW PUBES!!!. Said James, "We have all contributed equally on this album, which is a first for Metallica. This was achieved by a foursome. Sorry, I was too turned on to remember anything." For the first time in twenty years they used conventional band instruments and analog recording equipment, plus rehearsing, practicing and writing decent songs. All the band members are happy with this album (including Cliff Burton, according to Heaven & Co's Archangel Gabriel Post Service), except Lars, whose cans had to be the sacrificial lamb. Said he, "It's horrible. Those cans were in the family. I was conceived in them. I sheltered under them when Ron McGovney was pissing all over the place. I played those drums for 27 years, and now they're gone, GONE, GOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY, GOD? WHY DID YOU LET MY TRUE BABY DIE!?? MR TRASHY THE TRASH CAN WAS A PART OF ME, YA KNOW? PART OF MEEEE!!!!! Damn!! James, pass me some Kleenex! WHY??? WHY, MR TRASHY???"
The album art was created by Kirk. He said later, "I was digging up a grave when I saw this wonderful chrome plated coffin and I had this sudden inspiration for the cover. I was so inspired that I ran down the street shouting 'You-Reek-Ah!'". This rather disappointed James, who was hoping to put a snapshot of Boney M on the cover. Metallica's claims of "Our next album's going to be complex, just like ...And Sputnik For Alf. Plenty of double bass drumming." was finally made good. They even paid MTV to put some snapshots of them on TV, and launched a new website called Pissin' Metallica, which offers fans a kiss from Robert in case they win the contest.
To this day, James Hetfield still thinks their name is Metallic.
Line-Ups
Current Members
- James Hatfield - Yodels, lederhosen, midlife-crisis tattoos, kooky reading glasses
- Kirk Hamster - Minoxidil, nail polish, 30 minute wah pedal solos
- Robert Gorillo - Bone-clubs, tics, flower garden
- Lars Smuldich - Spandex trousers, 'bottle cap stick shaker thing', AIDS
- Some Normal Drums - Replaced Mr. Trashy the Trash Can Place on the Drums
Past Members
- Ron McGovernment - Beer kegs, bills
- Dave Mustardstain - Evil ginger hair, heroin, scowls
- Lloyd Grunt - Token black man
- Cliff Burton - Talent, 'shrooms
- Jason Newkid - Blame-It-All Guy
- Kerry King - Beards
- Neil Peart - Drum Lessons
- Mr. Trashy the Trash Can (Diseased between 2007 and 2008) - Drum
Discography
Albums
- 1983 - Greatest Hits
- 1983 - Sell Em' All
- 1983 - I May be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt (Sell Em' All B-Sides)
- 1984 - Lightning Can Kill – Avoid Riding It At All Costs!
- 1986 - Pastor of Muppets
- 1987 - Garbage Daze Re-Revivisected - Pay No More Than $....
- 1988 - ...And Sputnik for Alf
- 1991 - Snakes On A Plain Black Cover (by the way, Can Anyone See My Snake?)
- 1996 - Loaf
- 1996 - Led Zeppelin IV
- 1997 - ReLoaf (More Meat Here!)
- 1998 - Corporation, Inc.
- 1999 - BDS&M
- 2003 - Sain' Wenkaehhhh!!!!
- 2004 - Trash Can Daze: The Some Kind of Mustardstain E.P. (Feat. Dave Mustardstain)
- 2008 - HAIRY COFFINS! This Is Going Back To Our Original Sound....We Really Mean It This Time (Expected to go 100x platinum in 1 hour)
Videos
- 1987 – Cliff, Where Art Thou? (feat. Ron McGovernment)
- 1992 - A Year And A Half In The Life Of Lars Smuldich (feat. Metallica...and Mr. Trashy the Trash Can's debut.)
- 1993 - Live Shit: We put trash cans to good use.
- 1998 - Stunning Cunts...with real drums
- 1999 - S&M: Kirk's Night Out in The Mission District - Uncut Vol. 1--No trash cans here, either.
- 2003 - OOOOOHHHHHHHHH What a good band we are, back from the brink of extinction it seems.
- 2004 - Some Kind Of Trash Can that goes BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG when you hit it with a stick six times.
- 2005 - Tchaikovsky's Ballet Live Videos!: 1989-2004
- 2005 - Lars' Trash Can Vol 1, 2 & 3 (Part IV)
- 2006 - VH1: When Metallica Ruled Monday Night Football And Your Butt-Hole (feat. D. Mustardstain)
Video Games
- 2009 - Guitar Hero: "Who The Hell Is Dave Mustaine?" Edition
Wagga Wagga Incident
In the early morning of 30th of August 2006 it was reported that massive raids were conducted on three Wagga Wagga pounds by NSW police at the time senior officer refused to comment on the nature of the raids. After a massive police investigation it was revealed that the three pounds had been allegedly using copies of the album St. Wanker by former thrash, then mainstream, now apparently a mix of the two metal band metallica (known as fagtallica by Megadeth fans) to euthanise (euthanise is used for want of a better word as it mean to be put to death painlessly but in this case the deaths were anything but) animals. This practice was totally inhumane and violated numerous animal right laws but the trigger for the police raids of the 30th was the accidental euthanasion of a toddler whom the pound staff mistook for a particularly large, ugly, mouthy chiwawa, When questioned a staff member said "look at him anyone could've made the same mistake hes one ugly bastard". Another commented of the used of St. Wanker as an euthanasia method "look the number of abandoned animals keeps increasing every year we just cant afford more humane methods such as injections, gas or a brick over the head anymore and we got the CD from a 2 dolla bin at JB HI FI". PM Howard handed the CD's over to Bush for military testing but asked bush not to give it to that "bloody blacky" it is uncertain which "blacky" John refers to some claim that he meant Rice but most believe it is a reference to future American president Obama these people (mainly labour supporters) use this as proof that John Howard was a homicidal gay sex doll sent from the future to crush the labour parties "chosen one" at the time thought to be Kim Beazly but it turn out to be Kevin Rudd a vampire who defeated Howard by using his fangs to deflate the sex doll and take over Australia. In past months it has been reported that the Sudanese army has obtained a few copies of St. Wanker from somewhere and are using them for the ethic cleansing of unwanted tribesmen.
See Also
- James Hatfield
- Kirk Hamster
- Lars Ümlüät
- Cliff Burton
- Dave Mustardstain
- Megadebt
- Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts
