Metalheads

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A classic example of a metalhead.

Metalheads are a de-evolved species of man that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution and a general affection for evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly music. Known prey includes anyone that doesn't fucking listen to Slayer, Chavs, gays, and pretty much anyone who isn't a Metalhead. They are similar to early Neanderthal man except that the caveman actually did things like hunt for food and invent fire while the Metalhead, although not practically useful, is on average 30% more awesome purely because they listen to metal.

[edit] Origin

There are three theories (and one Idea, which is long and boring, so usually discounted) to where the Metalhead has come from, it is still under speculation if any are true.

Theory One: The earliest known Metalheads date back to Scandinavia during the 5th Century (The time Finntroll was founded). They were known as Vikings, until a large earthquake separated Britain from Scandinavia. Families were separated and some Metalheads became depressed. They left the very awesome and testicle driven Scandinavia so they could go whine about their parents not loving them. Those ex-Metalheads became Emos, and all Metalheads were so embarrassed by their close brethren that they would publicly abuse and torment them at any occasion with white hot drum stands. During the Fourth Ice Age another group of Metalheads decided to go search for food. This group, led by the noble and courageous Lemmy, crossed the Bering Strait in pursuit of antelope and loud music. This is where many historians agree that the tr00 Metalheads of our day emerged as a separate entity from their Viking brothers. It was also during this period that the Metalheads adopted their uniforms of jean jackets, long hair, black shirts, and jean pants. These were all means to keep warm during the exceedingly cold period.
Theory Two: The Origin of the Metalheads dates back to the Egyptian area when the great Pharaoh Ozzeth Ozbournei came across a piece of heavy metal known as Iron Maidenium (Which was in the shape of a bat at the time). He mistook it for a sandwich and devoured the piece of heavy metal causing him to go insane. However during his insanity reign he took up a guitar and started to play some basic chords and changed his voice. Some of his loyal subjects heard and created instruments to go along with him. And so the Metalhead breed was formed, because anyone that was exposed to this type of music was instantaneously infected.
Theory Three: In 1350 a group of Egyptian lute players were slaughtered by Asiatic warriors. The ghosts of the lute players did not pass on, but instead inhabited the lutes. The Egyptians discovered that the lutes had been cursed and burned the lutes. One lute however did not burn, and was scorched black by the fire. This lute was locked away in an unmarked tomb in the desert. The lute remained hidden and locked away until the Middle Ages. On a dark storming day, which has been since described as the Black Sabbath, an un-named man with a bad case of Chorea came across the Tomb of the Cursed Lute. When he lay eye upon the lute, he was immediately drawn to it. He took the Lute and brought it back to his home town. When he arrived the Soul of the dead lute player possessed the man and attempted to play for the crowd. But the man's Chorea caused his hands to shake violently while playing the lute. The music that erupted from the lute was so brutal and unheard of before that the crowds' heads began to explode. The music was named a Riff. Lute and Guitar players alike began to master the art until they became resilient to the Riff's brutalness, they began to breed. The Children were called Headbangers because the Riff made their heads rock back and forth instead of explode, and the Children who's heads didn't even rock were called Metalheads for they were as strong as metal against the power of the Riff.
The Idea: God created humans. Two to start with: Adam, and Eve. As stated in the words of the bible, Adam ate an evil apple. This apple contained mercury and caused Adam to go mentally insane and had mental fixations of an object called a Guithahr, and wrote strange characters upon a marijuana leaf in blood. He looked at these blotches as, what one would call now-a days, a "Musical Note", and shortly after created this "Guithahr" out of bamboo, a hollowed out coconut, and strips of thin bark braided together. He stored both, the Guithar and the papyrus, in a cave somewhere in the modern day middle east, where a young man named Jesus Christ found them some 4,000 years later. Jesus Christ recited this writing to the feeble minded, and caused them to believe that he was their lord. This writing is now contained within the bible, many copies of this "bible" were made, but none were the same. The original was the only one containing the lyrics. Unfortunately, the original bible was sold to a local chariot barter for a wagon spoke and was lost in history, until a man by the name of Tom Williams in the early 16th century discovered the bible, and turned it into a play which was looked down upon and laughed at by many people for as long as the play went on. Tom Williams committed suicide with a soldering iron at the age of 62. He dropped his iron on the bible, causing it to burn. A witness, a scientist by the name of Edmund Seymore-Pillis saw the burning bible and though "That’s cool, maybe someone ought to write a song about a burning bible". Seymore had invented a time machine not a week from the occurrence, and decided to test it out. Pillis was launched into the future some 500 years to the year 1969. He found a man in his early adult years by the name of John Michael Osbourne, who thought Pillis's idea of burning bible lyrics was very interesting. On a walk, during their discussion, a sheet of iron fell on Pillis. John attempted to help the iron sheet off of Pillis, but Pillis died. His last words were "Get this heavy metal off of me". John thought about what he had said and believed that "Heavy Metal" should be a new subgenre of music. He and his friends began writing music about mentally unstable cargo trains and bible burning. The ones who enjoyed listening to this type of music became known as "Metal Heads" for a simple fact. General human beings don’t like to think, so, what they did, essentially, was take the first word of the genre of music, and combine it with the word "head", as many of them did those days. (I.e. Acidhead, Pothead, Crack head) generally associated with drugs.

[edit] Traits

Metalheads are generally seen as fags, not muscular, and not terrifying people as portrayed by the media. But this is not true, most metalheads are skinny, white, suburban children that hang around areas such as youtube and make anti-rap, fake vs. metal videos, and anti-emo videos. They dress in skinny denim jeans (or just plain denim), any heavy metal band shirt (Specifically any thrash or a 80's metal band) to make themselves seem less poserish, and occasionally boots or chuck taylors. Metalheads are generally seen in groups harassing anyone that has a different opinion then them. And depending on what type of metalhead they are they will commit certain acts. It has been scientifically proven that metal is in fact in genes.

The real deal is that metalheads are Bad ass Motherfvuckers that dont take shit from anyone! They enjoy FUCKING BEER and Msn and trolling people on youtube or hanging with friends, though the metalhead stereotype is portrayed as a muscular terrifying person.. ALL THAT IS TRUE DONT PISS A METALHEAD OFF! If you do, he or she will force you to smoke weed until your head is hollow, one trait of the metalhead is that the females are incredibly attractive, but tend to mate with the more careless male who has a incredible overgrowth of hair and a very varying outside, this has caused confusion among scientist, it is also believed the metalhead and the emo kid has some shared DNA, although the metalhead tent to kill and eat the Emo Kid.

Metalheads tend to make fun of anyone who has a different opinion then them and hate people for no particular reason. They get up into groups and proceed with a well known metalhead past time known as head banging. And on special occasion, they preform the metalhead ritual known as moshing.

They also demonstrate a severe aversion to water and are known to sprout hair on their knuckles. This may be due to their Gene Simmons' armpit like odour but it may also be argued that they are a somewhat de-evolved species of man who therefore have less communicative abilities and are limited in their social interactions.

[edit] Breeds of Metalhead

Metalheads come in many different styles and shapes. This you can tell by what they are wearing, what makeup they have (if they have any), and how much they harass people. These are the different breeds of metalheads in todays society.

A "trve" Metalhead's arch-enemy, the Metalcore Kid/Emo

"Trve" Metalhead - Just a general Metalhead typically seen with non-tight jeans, casual shoes, and an Iron Maiden shirt. They listen to Iron Maiden and talk about how other bands they don't like sound the same and should die when they don't realize that Iron Maiden has been using the same chords for the past 20 years. Some of the Metalheads favorite past time is making fun of emo kids and anyone who likes anything that has something to do with pop. They are the ones that ironically bitch about the emos bitching. These Metalheads are generally more likely to play BC Rich guitars than Jackson or ESP and can usually be found dwelling in their basements with four other people with instruments, casting all manner of fucked up hexes in the hopes of one day playing a concert. Heavy Metal Bands: Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne,Anthrax,Metallica and Megadeth.

Headbanger Headbangers are the absolute most dangerous Metalhead breed and the most hardcore and brutal form of the Metalhead known for their hair that reaches below their shoulders or longer and for inventing the ritual Headbanging. Usually seen in a pair of black gray blue or some other form of those colored pair of jeans usually completely fucked up and sport a Band T-Shirt. Usually listen to bands that sound like Death Angel, Dark Angel, Testament, Exodus, Kreator, Nuclear Assault, Anthrax, Children of Bodom, Slayer, Cannibal Corpse, Arch Enemy, Brain Drill, Metallica, Megadeth, Pantera, Nile, Warbringer, Bonded By Blood and Gama Bomb. Not to forget that many headbangers are into NWOBHM like Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, (old) Def Leppard, Angel Witch, Saxon, Diamond Head, Motorhead, Blitzkrieg, Cloven Hoof, Satan, Demon, Avenger, Pagan Altar, etc.

They are Known To Some times get along with Punks and Goths and sometimes like Metalcore. The Headbanger is also the arch enemy of the chav known for attacking them beating the fvcking shit out of them ripping them to pieces beat the fvcking shit out of them rip their fvcking head off, show the body to the head, then vomit down their fvcking neck and push the head up their fuckin' ass YOU GOT THAT YOU PIECE 'O SHIT!. They can be found spread from America to Britain to even as far north as Norway. They typically hang out in packs or just alone in public places, Youtube or any where they fucking want to, which is why they're so dangerous. They typically don't really bother to insult people unless they got a damn reason! Most are known to be around the age of 14-85 and the fact says all headbangers know how to FVCKING SHRED so give em that fucking ESP/Jackson guitar and they will shred your fucking ass off!

Death/Black Metalhead - A very dark and dangerous type of Metalhead no cross that TEH FUCKING INSANE BREED OF SCARY DANGEROUS PEOPLE to FUCKING encounter. They are typically seen alone and wear Obituary or Gorgoroth shirts, black jeans, and boots. On special occasion paint there faces with makeup and call it corpse paint. Never confront a death or black Metalhead alone, he will eat your soul. They are not seen to much on the internet and normally don't make fun of others unless they are so outstandingly stupid that they deserve it but they are often seen committing raids against the Metalcore Kid/Emo Kid and Nu-Metalheads/Mallgoths population, many times draining their blood and consuming their flesh while committing satanic rituals, they also enjoy eating a good healthy breakfast of babies dipped in cancer. They also flood you with so many anti-Christian remarks, you eventually realize that Christianity really is shit, not to mention every religion. "I like my coffee black, just like my metal." Quote that determines whether a coffee drinker is one of these kind of people. Death/Black Metal bands: Obituary, Emperor, Morbid Angel, Death, Job For a Cowboy (New Material, Old is the first form of deathcore) and Gorgoroth

Brutal Metalhead-.... Doesn't the name explain enough?.... BRUTAL.. Metalhead?... God you are stupid. Anyways, the Brutal Metalheads are the guys that sadistically traumatized your dad, and then murdered his dog in the 90's, They are LARGE and bulky people with hair reaching to their ass with a band T-shirt and army boots and pants, that usually are seen hanging out alone or with their band, They ONLY listen to Brutal Death Metal and Grindcore, the music is basically the most hated, heavy and brutal form of music and at times are just PURE noise Such as Anal Cunt, and at times some other metal genres. They feed on flesh and guts of chavs, Posers, deathcore faggots, faggots, and people they don't like, unlike the Death/Black Metalhead, the Brutal Metalhead insults EVERYONE on the internet, even other metalheads if they are posers or like deathcore, Though their insults are very accurate, their hobbies include Raping virgins, killing mallgoths/Nu-metalheads, making capes out of mallcore/emo skin and eating kittens. They are also in the superior leaders in the war Against the Mallcores/Nu-Metalheads and chavs. Brutal Death Metal / Grindcore Bands: Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Anal Cunt, Suffocation, Dying Fetus, Napalm Death and Nile

Glam/Hair/Sleaze Metalhead - These are the guys that fucked your mom in the 80's. Very friendly most of the time when you first meet, but don't be fooled they just want to get in your pants. They have extremely long girly hair, and are generally seen in extremely flamboyant clothing. There attire consists of Cowboy Boots or Chuck Taylor high tops, tight jeans of ANY color, and a band shirt with ripped sleeves. Despite there attire however, they are rarely homosexual in any way. Also, it is amazing to know they will probably get laid more than you ever will in your life. They are the most hated amongst other metal heads that don't quite see them as metalheads, but more as FUCKING GIRLS! Glam/Hair/Sleaze Metal Bands: Skid Row, Bon Jovi(old Material), Motley Crue, and Tigertailz

Kinds of metalheads

Power metalheads/Folk Metal - Wish they lived in Middle-Earth. Wide opinion suggests that many bands have actually found a way to contact gay little elves who gave them the power to play incredibly fast. They dress in extremely odd pants, and in anything you would find at a medieval fair. Power/Folk Metal Bands: Rage, Hammerfall, Korpiklaani, Helloween, Finntroll, Blind Guardian and Equilibrium.

Nu-Metalheads/Mallgoths - Listen to bands such as KoRn and similar bands. Dress in tripp pants, any kind of Nu-Metal band shirt, mostly that same black and red slipknot shirt that they all share, it is rumored that the very shirt caused part of the yellow flue pandemic, also wearing extremely large boots found in hot topic, being posers. They are typically extremely aggressive white kids who think they can fight but actually cant. They typically get along with Metalcore fans and have been rumored to have formed an alliance with the Metalcore Empire against Trve Metalheads. Nu Metal Bands: KoRn, Linkin Park(Old Materiar), Slipknot, Papa Roach(old materiar

Metalcore Kid - Typically listen to Metalcore (A.K.A. Metal for Emos A.K.A Metal For Pussys) Dress in tight pants, have studded belts of retina damaging colors, have checkered vans or high-tops converse, and any Metalcore band shirts. They typically tend to be loners and don't cause trouble with anyone, yet are picked on for no damn reason. They also have a common belief that Atreyu(Which is not even metal) is the only form of god Metalcore Bands: Avenged Sevenfold(Older Music), Atreyu, Trivium(Older Music), and Bullet for my Valentine

Deathcore Metalhead - An evolution of of the Metalcore Kid. The gayest breed of Metalhead, normally hangout in groups of 2-8. PISS THEM OFF, they are huge pussies. You can tell you're looking at a Deathcore Metalhead when you see them masturbating in your grandmothers face ... Either that or dark blue or black boot cut jeans, long hair(normally messy and unkempt), wears wristbands and chain necklaces, shoes range in the interest of the person, a black band T-shirts such as Despised Icon, Suicide Silence, Impending Doom. Most of them can scream, chirp, growl, or make disturbing animal noises. They wear their little sisters jeans and yell at their mommies to shrink their Suicide Suckyness or FagChapel shirts. if they don’t like your music they will tell you it blows bullshit because they know nothing about music. Remember, they're Fvcking Br00tal, and the fan girls of Deathcore are particularly scene kids. they are usually emos trying to be tough. Not intimidating.

Deathcore Bands: Bring me the Horizon, Winds of Plague, Parkway Drive, Glass Casket, and I Killed The Prom Queen

Progressive Metal head - By far the most intelligent of the group. Known for having a varied taste in metal that is long and can be heavy but at the same time intelligent. From Rush to Mastodon, From Dream Theater to Between the Buried and Me, from Opeth to the Sound of Music. Progressive Metal is known for having no limits and is therefore questioned as to whether they truly are Metalheads at all. Most Progressive Metalheads can vary from being Nerdy skinny people with long hair, to fat bald comic clerks. The ritual of dance for a Progressive Metalhead tends to be difficult due to constant time signature shifts. So they either jerk uncontrollably. Or move so fast that you can not even see them moving at all, Giving them the title of superhuman.

Avant-Garde Metalhead - The avant-Garde Metalhead, is probably the far oddest and intelligent metalhead even when compared the the progressive, They can usually be seen with their unusual hair that is basically six dreadlocks curls and the rest wildly fucked up hair! Their taste of metal is wide but their music isnt taken serious by most people due to that it is extremely technical and confusing, while other metalheads headbang, the avant-garde metalhead has two rituals the sacred "seisurebang" that consists of headbanging and shaking violently, and the sacred hand shake resulting in the Avant-Garde Metalhead Removing his or her skeleton from his or her body then putting it back in place in a matter of seconds, they can usually be found everywhere injecting bug blood into their own and creating new breeds of stuff, or experimenting with music. Avant-Garde Metal: Mr Bungle, Meshuggah, Zul FX

Neutral Metalhead - Can only be found in places that Heavy Metal IS DEAD They Listen to any kind of Heavy Metal genre And their Mortal enemy is obviously Emo Kids/Clan/Scene for kiling Heavy Metal same as Rock N Roll

[edit] Participation in The War of Rock

Metalheads were an important ally for the Loyalist forces in the series of world-wide conflict known as The War of Rock. Although it is a metalhead's tendancy to go against anything non-metal, their blind hatred for/ need of nournishment from the Emo Kids, Nazi-Punks, Rockers, Scene Kids, etc. of the "New Rocking Order" forced the metal armies out of isolation from the rest of the music world, and entered the conflict, horns raised, heads banging.

Metal doctrine is at the heart of the root cause of the conflict. The argument started when Jack Black announced to the public that he believed the "New Rocking Order" to be "Homosexual Loser Pigmies, who couldn't Rock like Dio, who rocked for a long long time..."

Many metal army divisions won key victories for the Loyalist forces. Taking a hiatus from their status as Jesus, the underground band of Iron Maiden are responsible for single-handedly defeating Funeral for a Friend and Korn in a single day. Another famous battle is the Battle for Hollywood, specifically the Thrash Charge. The bands Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Thrashold, Megadeth, Nuclear Assault, Sodom, Kreator, Overkill, Destruction and Testament snuck up the hill to the Hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was a huge fight between the greatest Thrash Metal-ists and the most annoying songwriter in history: a clear victroy for the Loyalists.

After the outbreak of the second series of Rock Wars, known as the Rock Wars of 2050, metalheads were prepared to step in and once again use their amazing talents of murder and rape to destroy the New Rock Order. Although the joint-assasin missions by Limp Bizkit, MTV nearly crippled metal with the losses of Randy Rhoads, Cliff Burton, and Dimebag Darrel, the Loyalists gained the greatest ally anyone could ever use, other than Bruce Campbell: Led Zeppelin.

Many legendary metal bands were instilled with hope for their cause when they saw Led Zeppelin descend from heaven, including Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, and the remaining members of Pantera (With Zakk Wylde on guitar duties filling in for Dimebag Darrell). They held reunion tours around the world and slaughtered millions of emos.

After serving valiantly and losing a many number of their own, metalheads at the end of the conflicts were praised as veterans from the surviving Loyalists. Although this is true, the response from the metal community was a simple middle-finger/devil-horns combination while they returned to the land from whence they came, ready to defend their genre if fucking shit like Korn or Limp Bizkit ever lives again.

[edit] Diet

Metalheads mostly feast on junk food and heavy metals, such as pure Judas Priestium and even the delicacy Mild Mötley Crüeium and Droneasfuck Metallium. Their unique metabolisms seem to be able to process this food quite effectively. Some experts believe that they eat emo kids and newborn babies as well, considering that if four metalheads run into fifteen emos, the only thing that remains is a knife from which the emos in the stomach are deprived because of the metalheads who won't let them cut themselves. Some anthropologists have been similarly devoured when coming between a Metalhead and chocolate, which appears to have a sedative effect on these strange beasts.

[edit] Metalheads in today's culture

Today's metalhead is watching you.

Today, metalheads are characterized as people who wander around starting fights over the internet for no apparent reason. They can be sighted at concerts wearing their jackets covered in band patches, taken from the medieval practice of bearing the coat of arms on a shield. For example, the House of Slayer has been beating the shit out of Cute is What We Aim For for quite some time. The mortal enemies of the Metalhead clans are great in number, including the Emo/Scene Clan and the Posers, as well as the Hardcore try hard clan, a wretched crew of flesh which crawls from deep, subterranean pools of custard. They pretty much hate anyone who's either an Emo, Jew, Prep, Chavs or the parents of such people, kind of like the Westboro Baptist Church but not as gay.

An everyday Metalhead's favorite hobbies include:

Making fun of anyone that likes Nu Metal and all -core genres, and calls them Mallcore or such.
Violently masturbating to ESP Guitar catalogues.
Kicking the shit out of Emos
SHREDDING!!!!!!!!!!
Kicking the shit out of chavs that are assholes.
Beating The shit out of Scene Kids.
Double-time kicking the shit out of chavs after they lie About beating up Metalheads.
Writing with a coherent sense of grammar and not fucking with basically okay articles on Uncyclopedia.
Ripping the heads of babies and consuming their flesh.
More Beating up Prepy Bitches and Masturbating to ESP
More fucking shredding!
Moshing
Showing Hardcore Punks real mosh wounds
Senseless mutilation of emo children.
Going Rambo On Nu Metalheads!
Beating The Shit out of Chavs
Walking into a non metal concert with Gasoline, Explosives and a lighter, saying they are responsible for the stage effects
Head Banging
Fuckin' Slayer. Need I say more?
Walk around looking at everyone's iPod and criticising anyone who has any music besides metal.
Eating Chavs
Making Anti-rap or Anti-emo videos on youtube
Beating up trendy bitches
Whining about how bad Hip-hop is to the world even though they don't give a fuck about the world.
Not Giving A Fuck About The World
Eating more chavs
Consuming Jehovah's witnesses (when they knock on their door)
Consuming Baby Jews
Eating Disco And Shitting Emo
Petrol Bombing Mcdonalds And Other Chav Hangouts
Crushing all That cower..BITCH