Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
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“I didn't understand any of that shit.”
“Free moustache rides.”
“That's not a monkey, that's his younger brother.”
“How the fuck am I so old now?”
[An overly dramatic shot of Solid Snake saluting an unknown grave in Arlington National Cemetery while a helicopter circles overhead]
OTACON(tripped out of the helicopter): Snaaaaaake!!!
SNAKE: Otacon, even my dead ears died.
OTACON: Snake, that didn’t make any sense at all. I hope this accelerated aging thing isn't affecting your brain.
OTACON(walking towards the helicopter): Snake, I don’t have time for this. Look - we have someone waiting for us.
SNAKE: Otacon, what about the test results?
OTACON: Well Snake, according to your chart you're fucked up, but we won't know anything else till we talk to Naomi. It would've made sense if we'd gone after her years ago to try and force her to remove the FOXDIE from your body, but let's ignore that for now.
[Snake and Otacon board the helicopter where they are greeted by a wal mart employee]
SNAKE: Wow Colonel, that’s a nice suit. I figured the only place I’d see you dressed like that is at your daughter's wedding.
COLONEL: Look we have some more important business to talk about.
COLONEL: We found Liquid, in the Middle East.
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Parrots is the extremely anticipated 4th installment of the MGS series. Most fans were overjoyed when they discovered that Solid Snake would be returning as the main protagonist instead of Raiden. However, nearly the same amount of people were relieved when they found out they only had to drop $200 on a PS3 just to play the perfect game.
Like all the rest of the MGS series, this game revolves around avoiding being detected by enemies who can see approximately 2 feet in front of themselves, forget Snake exists after not seeing him for 100 seconds and whose hobbies include long walks in circles, looking in empty boxes and the ocassional Volgin-style ball grabbing when Snake searches them.
An interesting and innovative addition to the new MGS game is that only half the people in it are trying to kill you, as opposed to all of them. Most of the game takes place on a battlefield between terrorists and Wal-mart corporate soldiers. You can choose to help the terrorists if you want to be unamerican, however the corporate soldiers refuse to accept any help because like all Wal-Mart employees they are too depressed and suicidal to care.
There are also some totally cool, yet unrealistic tools to help Snake out on his journey. There is the MK 2 which was developed by Tyco and is completely fucking useless. There is also the octocamo suit Snake uses to blend into the background; it’s still not as useful as the stealth camo. Why doesn't Snake just get the stealth camo from the beginning? I mean seriously, it was there like 3 games ago, and Otacon was actually the one who made that shit. The Box snake normally uses to hide in is joined by a metal drum, meaning Snake has finally realized that after 20 years of hiding from people, a box is a terrible disguise in urban combat situations. Hobo fire pit or clever disguise? One thing's for sure; they are both being used by debilitated old veterans that have been abandoned by the government. Plus you can't use the box to knock people over with.
As in all the Metal Gear games, Snake has a huge arsenal of weapons that he somehow keeps in the satchel on his chest. The satchel was probably invented by Otacon seeing as it defies all laws of physics and proably contains 4 or 5 extra spatial dimensions. Most of the weapons you have in the game are totally devoid of any use. I mean seriously, did you see that one gun from like the 1600s?
The psychology bar in MGS4 is something that’s new to the series. When it gets low Snake has a hard time firing weapons accurately. In order to restore it you can look at Playboy or give yourself a shot of morphine in your neck.
One huge improvement about this game is the fact that most people don't call you on the codec every 15 seconds to tell you something that is utterly pointless. Plus when they do call you, the conversation usually doesn't-
br-r-rp br-r-rp…br-r-rp br-r-rp
DREBIN: Ay, Snake! It's Drebin here, man.
DREBIN:...Yeah. Anyway, congrats on beatin' that Boss just now. Didn't know you had it in you, man.
SNAKE: Hrrghh....I don't know, Drebin, that Boss wasn't as good as the ones I'm used to fighting. Something was missing. She didn't even stand around explaining anything superfluous to me.
DREBIN: I know, I know. Not the same without a half-hour long monologue on the application of nanotechnology in the medical field or some shit, is it?
SNAKE: Yeah...I don't even know her entire history, or how she ended up as a psychotic mech pilot. She just...showed up and started attacking - where's the dramatic flair in that?
DREBIN: Relax my man, that's what this call is about.
DREBIN: Yeah, you thought you were gonna get through the game without any of these long-ass Codec conversations, didn'tcha? Hell, even Otacon don't use this shit that much anymore, and you know that boy ain't got no life. Well now I'm gonna explain the entire history of that girl you just killed. Ya see, she grew up in some third-world country, right in the middle of a warzone. When she was younger, She was subjected to some of the most hideous shit imaginable by soldiers: torture; slavery; made to kill her family; you name it, man.
SNAKE: Was she...raped?
DREBIN: Raped? No Goddammit, no-one gets raped in lawless military backwaters, especially not defenseless, beautiful young girls. Hell's wrong with you, Snake?
DREBIN: Anyway, at the same time as she succumbed to a single extreme emotion, an animal showed up and helped her escape, then ? and she was a commander of one of Liquid's PMC companies.
SNAKE ..."?"...What's "?"
DREBIN: You know, ? - as in Step 2:?, Step 3: Profit.
DREBIN: Yeah, it's an internet meme, you know, like that one South Park where...[sighs]. Never mind, it's a metaphor for the unexplainable fact that she ended up piloting a mech that she couldn't survive outside of, being just a fragile catwalk model who could somehow dodge bullets and survive a direct rocket attack to the face. And now that you've -
[player hammers START frantically]
- last anymore than three hours like they did in the previous games.
The plot to MGS4 is played out over the course of many, many cutscenes which are now so ridiculously long that a pause function has been introduced. The story is so far fetched; your head would explode if you even tried to understand it. But I’ll try to explain it anyway.
Act 1: Liquid Suck
For some reason Campbell decides to hire Snake to assassinate Liquid Ocelot, who is about to take over the world (GASP!). This event has been dubbed "Liquid Ocelot's Erection." Snake looks feeble as hell, there must have been at least 13,000 other qualified people Campbell could have chosen for the mission that didn’t have the body of an eighty year old man, but in any case, Snake heads off to the Middle East and meets up with Drebin. In an attempt to redress the lack of African-American protaganists featured in videogaming as a whole, Konami inserted Drebin as a sympathetic, realistic black character, who happens to sell illegal weapons and spend all his time hanging around with a thong-wearing monkey. Needless to say, this is not in the least bit racist. Snake then meets up with Meryl, who is disgusted by the fact that his face looks like a wrinkly ball sack and tells him that they should just be friends. They are then attacked by Liquid's special forces, the FROGS. After defeating them, Snake infiltrates Liquid's military camp. Once there, Liquid activates a system that makes all of his soldiers go apeshit and start shooting each other. After a three or four hour speech directed at Snake, Liquid leaves in his helicopter. Again. Just like the first game. It could have been worse though - at least he lost that faggy English accent.
Act 2: Solid Suck
After receiving a Youtube link from Naomi about how much South America sucks, Snake and the gang decide to go give her a ride. While out in the jungle, Snake sees some kind of monster that is a cheap rip-off off Dr Octopus from Spiderman hanging out with Vamp, even though he died in the last game. Later he meets up with Drebin who tells Snake that the world is being controlled by a computer system engineered by the Patriots. After sensibly letting Drebin inject him with a needle, with no idea what it contains, Snake and he part ways. Snake eventually meets up with Naomi who tells him that the FOXDIE he has is an industrial form of SUPERAIDS that will destroy the entire human race if he doesn’t die in three months. She also tells him that Liquid is going to use Big Boss' burntass body to try and control the world. After Snake beats Laughing Doctor Octopus, the protaganists attempt their escape, but are trapped by veritable shittons of mini metal gears. Raiden, however, handily shows up and cuts them to pieces. Raiden is now an emotionally-crippled, angst-ridden, cyborg ninja and that means he's cool: You like him now. Please like him. No, he isn't trying too hard at all. In any case, everyone gets sick of hanging out in God's blind spot and decides to go to Europe
beeep beeep…beeep beeep
ROSEMARY: Snake, your psyche gauge is the gauge below your Life Gauge.
SNAKE: Yes, you told me.
ROSEMARY: Well, then you'll-
[Snake Presses Triangle button]
ROSEMARY: By the way, Snake...
ROSEMARY: Do you remember what day today is?
Act 3: Third Suck
A handful of interesting things happen in this part of the game. Otacon gets some pussy for quite possibly the first time ever. Snake has to follow some chode around for what seems like hours and then engages in some mildly incestuous cutscenes with his biological mother EVA, who is roughly 110 years old and still walking around with her boobs out of doors. You know, the woman who did her voice was the same person who played Catwoman in the original Batman series? I’d totally do her. I mean EVA, not the chick who did her voice. Okay, I’d probaby do her too. But I digress, there is an epic motorcycle battle, Liquid renders nearly every gun on earth useless and he burns Big Boss' body. Even more so. Oh, and you find out that Zero was the leader of the patriots. Bonus, Snake gets a bad ass burn scar on his face.
Act 4: Twin Suck
So Snake and Raiden have a huge sympathy contest about who has a sadder life. Oh, and for some reason Liquid wants to destroy the computer that he controls, that in turn controls the world and the only way he can do this is by going back to Shadow Moses to get the rail gun from Metal Gear Rex. So naturally Snake follows him there in an attempt to stop him.
beeep beeep…beeep beeep
OTACON: Wow Snake - this place certainly brings back memories, doesn’t it?
SNAKE: Damn it, Otacon, it's like -40 degrees out here and there are assholes with guns all over this place. Can't this wait? I don’t need any advice right now.
OTACON: You know it isn't always about you Snake, maybe I wanted to talk.
So Snake gets to Rex and finds the rail gun missing and Vamp waiting for him. Then Raiden shows up and kicks his ass, in a great cutscene that you don't get to watch because you're too busy trying to fight off those mini-Metal Gears that soil themselves when they get excited. Turns out, he wasn't really a Vampire after all, it was just Nanomachines healing his wounds at a massively accelerated rate. None of which explains how he could run across water, or straight up a fucking wall for that matter, but let's just forget about all that for now. After a huge sob fest, Naomi injects herself with Nano-suppressants, which somehow cause her to immediately die from Cancer. Snake and his chums decide to escape the exploding base using Rex and for no fathomable reason, Liquid sticks around long enough to have a big robot fight with them, using Metal Gear Ray. After losing and pretending to expire from FOXDIE just to be a dick, he summons the Patriots floating ARK. In a final, desperate attempt to get the player to like Raiden, the writers have him try to hold off this giant battleship barehanded. This results in him getting crushed to death, very, very slowly, while overly sentimental - and stupid - dialogue from Metal Gear Solid 2 plays. Seriously, who finds King Kong romantic?
Act 5: Old Suck
While on Mei Ling's ship, Snake, Meryl and that one dude from the previous MGS games that keeps shitting his pants decide to infiltrate Liquid's ship in order to destroy the computer that is secretly running the world. It is revealed that Mei Ling has lost not only her accent, possibly Konami's form of political correctness, but her self-respect. She attempts to seduce that shit pants guy and even moves in on Snake. Oh, yeah, and Raiden is somehow still alive, but has no arms. Once onboard the ARK, everything is going smoothly until Snake has another seizure. For some reason, the syringes filled with horse tranquilizer and Geritol that Naomi gave him earlier are no longer working. Just as he is about to be killed by FROG troops, Raiden shows up with a sword in his mouth and after a lengthy dialogue, during which the Troopers could have killed both of them several hundred times over, Raiden agrees to hold them off and let Snake go on ahead. Snake then has to crawl through a superheated microwave tunnel with the Mk. III to get to the main computer and upload a virus to destroy it. The Mk. III is unaffected by the microwaves and uploads the virus itself, which renders Snake's drawn-out, agonising sacrifice completely fucking pointless really. With the Patriots' System destroyed, Otacon and the others render immediate medical attention to the greviously wounded Snake. Actually, they just leave him alone on top of the ARK so that he and Liquid can engage in a final, homoerotic fight to the death, which Snake somehow wins.
Epilogue: Naked Suck
At the end of this painfully long story, the player is rewarded with an ending in which not one thing makes sense to anyone living in the real world. Meryl decides to marry a man who has spent the better part of ten years stalking her and shitting himself noisily in public. Turns out Liquid wasn't really Liquid Snake possessing Ocelot, but rather Ocelot pretending to be Liquid Snake possessing Ocelot. Raiden is still, STILL alive, now has arms again and reconciles with Rose and their Son. Said Son later endures years of therapy due to the fact that his father is a tormented, emo cyborg that nobody likes and his mother is a psychotic liar who pretended to miscarry him and went off to marry a man old enough to be his grandfather, for reasons which even she can't seem to explain. Back at Arlington Cemetery, after Snake decides not to blow his brains out, Big Boss turns up and talks for roughly seventy-three hours. Strangely resembling the man with the yellow hat, he is still alive thanks to Scientology. Okay, maybe it wasn't Scientology, but it’s a far better explanation than the one given. With him is Major Zero, strangely resembling Davros, from Doctor Who. He is also still alive thanks to...God alone knows. Anyway, all loose ends are tied up, Snake will now not infect everyone with FOXDIE and after Big Boss and Zero conveniently die, Snake decides to go off with Otacon and live as a fucking hermit. Oh yeah, and Sigint and Para-medic from the last game were actually the doctor and DARPA chief from Metal Gear Solid. Yeah, really.
If you beat the game in Over 9000 hours, you get this epic ending.