Mermaids
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Mermaids are a species of nympho, a kind of half-fish, half woman. They are commonly seen in the sea or, more and more frequently, in fresh water lakes. They are often blamed by inept sailors when they run their boats into rocks.
“Why isn't the fish half ever on top?”
~ Captain Ahab on Mermaid Wenches
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[edit] History
The first mermaid was Atargatis, who was a goddess. She loved a mortal shepherd but was too much for him, and he died. She felt so ashamed that she jumped into a lake to change into a fish. But she was afraid to get her beautifully groomed and perfumed hair wet, so only her parts below her waist changed into a fish and the parts above stayed a woman. This is why women smell like perfume above the waist, and smell like fish below.
For many years, people believed mermaids were just legends. Then in 1492, Christopher Columbus tricked a king and queen into giving him money so he could prove the world was round, and that it was quicker to go east by traveling west. But he accidentally made an important discovery. He was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope, and saw what appeared to be "a wommyyn, of about a score of ayge, of most pleasing apeerynce with the tayl of a fysshe". He sailed his ship, Santa Maria, nearer to the mermaid. On closer inspection, the mermaid was invisible, and had been for some time. Due to his lack of evidence, it has been alleged that Columbus was a "tosser" and a "charlatan," and people continued to believe the world was flat.
Further mermaid sightings were reported throughout history, but weren't confirmed. Hans Christian Andersen wrote the first modern study in 1837 which was called "The Little Mermaid." He believed that mermaids weren't invisible, but were just so small that no one could see them. People might have accepted his theory, but in the same year he published "The Emperor's New Clothes" where he claimed that no clothes were too small, they were just invisible.
It wasn't until 1989 that the Walt Disney Foundation proved the existence of mermaids with their documentary The Little Mermaid. This film was rated R for its sexual references and beastiality, an underage star Ariel, and sexually oriented songs like "Kiss the Girl Under the Sea."
Thom Yorke's son, Bjork came up with the word 'Mermaid', after his father told him the story the night he returned from his trip on the rough seas of the Caribbean.
He'd told him that she had been murdered, and she looked like their maid, Madison.
Rumor has it Britney Spears is of Mermaid descent. Although Cher is only a mermaid in the movie Awakenings. But Cher claims to be Redwoman, a mythological creature of the Americas continent.
[edit] Biology
There are two types of mermaid - those with the a toe on their forehead and ones with half of a woman, and those with the bottom half of a fish and the top half of a woman. According to legend, the lady part is really really ugly, and the fish part is also alluring somehow. The latter type tends to live longer due to the former's liklihood of being eaten by sharks. Contrary to fiction, they can breathe in air. Yes, they can breathe in the air, but they cannot fart whenever, wherever they need to, namely in atmosphere. Most of the energy they consume is from the transformation of beans into fart, which they use to push them to swim in the ocean like rockets.
There is a such thing as a mer-dog. There are both male and female merdogs, but they are superficially identical and hard to tell apart, especially the dog-top-half-fish-bottom-half kind, (likely TMI ahead,) as they have a cloaca instead of human genital and excretory channels. (end TMI) They have very diversified anal orientations, including but not limited to bisexuality, homosexuality, self-sexuality, multisexuality and even heterosexuality, to the delight of sailors and other sexual predatorss. mermaids are the greatest things ever! i love them and they are real! I have a pet mermaid at home that we saved out of the ocean, so if you do not believe in them come to my house and you can pet her!
[edit] Mermography
The majority of mermaids live in either Pacific Islands or CaribBEAN, namely Filipino Mermaids and Latino Mermaids. Both of them speak Spanish and eat burrito made of fish bones and beans.
There are about 300,000 filipino mermaids around the Empire of brazil. The friendly Chinese people call those filipino mermaids as "comrades" ["amigos" in Spanish] because they think the mermaids are soooooo gay. The Filipino mermaids are literally the slaves of the communist society of the Empire of China, and they have various responsibilities, but those very powerful ones can go to zoos and have farting performances in Chinese New Year because they are cheaper than the firecrackers.
More than 400,000,000,334 latino mermaids are immigrating from Latino Americano to the United States of America. Some of them became very popular, like Jennifero Lopezo, and Chrijandra Aguirero.
[edit] Mermaids in legend
According to legend, mermaids were so sexy that they could force a man to sail his boat into rocks, and stab himself in the face with his own leg bone. They have a hypnotic voice, like that of Whitney Houston, and this can cause distraction and irritation from a distance of 30 miles.
The king of the mermaids is called asdfasdfadsfadsf (thats chuinguan if you didnt know that), and he has a mighty staff which he causes storms with. He has taken a horse-wife.
[edit] Controversy
It is believed by many leading scientists that mermaids do not exist and are "biologically impossible". Some scientists, such as Jeremy Clarkson, believe that belief in the existence of mermaids is "a form of madness that only fire can cure."
Others believe that mermaids were really manatees, and the whole mermaid story was invented so sailors would have an excuse to have sex with sea creatures. Most leading sailorologists believe that this is unlikely; sailors don't need an excuse to bum fish.
[edit] Factoids
- It is believed that 17% of all fish fingers contain mermaids.
- Mermaids hate pasties.
- Mermaids managed to achieve 17 seats in Germany's 1906 General election.
- All Danish women are mermaids.
- They have mermen who have to lay on mermaid eggs while they go about in the seas. Poor Mermen, doesn't it suck to be you?
- Female Mermaids in fact do NOT have vaginas. One can only impregnate a mermaid orally, via the stomach. And male mermaids are all gay which is why, to date, mermaids are increasingly rare.
[edit] Famous Mermaids
- The one in the film Splash
- Ariel, The Little Mermaid
- Madison Splash
- King William Murlok
- Ellectrika
- Fishy McFish, the Fishlady. aka Sian kelly
- Merlin.
- Mr Spock "Mr. Male Mermaid 1987"
- Katie Holmes
- Britney Spears is one-quarter Mermaid.
- LoLz, Mermaids are real. You gotta be gullible to believe in Everything
- Annabelinda Gdnigh
- Darren 'Straight'- but quite clearly not, Wright
- Alice Guillable ammakillyouifyouputmylastnameontheinternet
