Mental Web Links

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Mental Web Links needed creating because a keyboard article refers to it and it is just a red link. It is really sad to have a red link instead of a mental web link. So this article exists to prevent that red link. Now let's get serious because it is just possible there is more to it than this. And probably someone as mentally sensitive as you can make this an intro that packs a lot more punch for its wordage.

edit What is a Mental Web Link?

It is a link between your noggin and the surfing thing under your fingertips. You want your links to activate? Why make your fingers go to all the trouble? For centuries humans have oppressed fingers while lazy, good-for-nothing neurons have been flittering around holding parties upstairs and not getting asked to do a darned thing.

Mental Web Links are the fingers' revenge. From now on, your fingers get to do the partying, hanging out loose in hammocks or just wandering across tables in search of uselessly shaped cheddar snacks to pop into your equally uselessly shaped O cavity. Meantime, your neurons are working away hard at Mental Web Links, activating any link front of you at the mere thought of it. Really.

Want to change from this page to something more interesting? Mental Web Link time. Focus on the link and get those neurons doing the clicking.

edit George W Flush: Father of Mental Web Links

George W Flush (Dark Ages - TBA) invented Mental Web Links. Following on from the Praxis of Weevils, this was probably his most major invention ever. He claims that it came to him in a flush of inspiration one dark evening when he couldn't see the outhouse. Unfortunately before he could put into practise anything vaguely intelligent, he tripped over a furball left out to dry by Martha Stews*it and bumped his head severely on an unfinished painted cement flamingo. This caused him to pass out, curse loudly on awaking and suffer delusions of grandeur. Fortunately for us, beyond the Praxis of Weevils, he also produced Mental Web Links when it became apparent that he merely needed to think things were the way he wanted them and they were.

edit Activating Mental Links

So you really want to try this for yourself? Many have installed Version 69.0 of Mental Web Links by now on their computer, so it is just possible you're a wee bit behind. No need to despair though as you can probably benefit from their misguided attempts to adjust previous versions and other breakable tweakings.

edit Version 69.0

Previous users of this version have varied advice on the best methods for installation. Bill Fences suggests: "Just load it. All the worthwhile stuff will be unearthed by geeks and everyone else will just accept they can never really use it to its fullest potential." Steve Blobs suggests: "Well version 69.0 is great, just great. But for an extra few 1000 you can have pink lights going off at the same time with the Crabapple logo outlined against a gentle background of wilting pine trees." Nancy L Haggleschweger suggests that anything beyond elbow grease is just a "shitload waste of time" and returned to finger linking when it became clear that her hair curlers would prevent activation of the links. She decried the lack of notification of this on the outside of the box, complaining that sticking such important information only in the fine print caused her to throw away the entire $29.99 it cost to purchase the item.

Don't let these tales put you off, however. Murray M Daley installed Version 69.0 and began to will the links to activate. He said within 5 hours he had mastered it. "All it takes is removal of obstacles in front of you, such as your gut, clothing and crumbs." Ms Farouhna Downey was more upbeat, insisting that placing her computer in the smallest room of her house and throwing the software willy-nilly in the general direction of the computer resulted in its successful installation.

Let's ignore the fluff and cut to the chase. Installation is easy. Buy the bloody box, insert the disk into the computer of your choice and press "install". But here is a key tip: installation is best left to those aged 0 - 2 to complete, in order to avoid activating the mind linkages. Or your dog, your neighbor's sprinkler system or anyone under the influence of anything make great substitutes.

edit Activation

Activation of the Mental Web Links is a cinch, especially if you are fan of Hairy Potter, Jules Verne or Mary Poppins. There are three distinctive levels of activation: Noob, Intermediate and Accomplished.

edit Noobs

You need: a brain, a will and a link. Once installed, it is recommended by manufacturers of this stupendous device that you sit there and get those neurons dancing. The general theory is that it is often a great idea to tie the fingers together to prevent them from attempting to wander across the keyboards. Those familiar with the creation of Balloon Animal configurations actually suggest going one step further and contorting your fingers into an interesting shape such as a bunny, a hippo or a giraffe on acid (this latter one being slightly more complicated in that not only must you devise the shape of a giraffe to begin with but you need to knot its neck afterwards). Of course, more seasoned Mental Web Linkers believe that any form of finger-tying is piffle and suitable only for Noobs who really ought to just stop messing up the mental pathways of those more experienced anywhere in their vicinity. In other words, if you're a Noob, it is recommended that you stay at home and don't foul up the Mental Sphere for others. Only accomplished Mental Web Linkers should entertain thoughts of internet cafés, public libraries or swimming baths to avoid insane havoc. Then again, there are those for whom this creates amazing challenges and this reality should be factored in when allowing Noobs to practice in open areas. Don't deny the challenge-starved their havoc-ridden rights.

edit Intermediate

So you can manage to mentally link from one page to another. This doesn't actually mean you know what you're doing. However, it is suggestive that you have cottoned onto something that is probably worth selling in little bottles marked Snake Oil. Still, there isn't a lot to say for someone who is in the middle. You're not worth stalking and teasing because you're no longer a Noob. And you're not accomplished, so no-one's going to sit there and listen to you much, or maybe at all. So it is presumed by most retailers and manufactures that the Intermediate group is probably the group most likely to be using the product in the manner for which it was designed and are merrily zipping around the World Wide Web in total glee, linking here, linking there and quite possibly, linking everywhere.

edit Accomplished

Mental Web Linkers at this level are challenge-challenged sorts. At this point, the point is no longer just about mentally linking web pages. The challenge is to mentally slide into, around, through and in and out of the links. Html close up is a real babe or a real hunk, depending on your point of view. See if you can see what this means by sliding right into your links. Once you have mastered this, be like Yuri Geller and start bending the links. This is when you reach artform in Mental Web Linking. The idea is to find a bunch of unsuspecting Noobs (a tautology if ever there was one) and sidle close enough to them without being obvious. Observe their links and twist those links inside out, back-to-front and around the other way. Watch the look of sheer astonishment on the Noob's face as they pale under the sheer enormity of the frightful event before their eyes. With any luck they'll never move on any further to challenge you in the future. Watch out if they do, for revenge at the Accomplished level is dire and generally fatal.

edit The Future of Mental Web Linking

Where to go from here? This is only the beginning, as all beginnings only ever are. Mental Web Linking is currently undergoing tests to see:

  • if milk maids can automatically milk cows without having to touch the udders;
  • if it might be possible to purchase items at the store just by blinking agreement at the storeowner; and
  • to see whether monkeys or rats will prove the more able pilot for 747s.

The current studies are promising - they reveal that 2 out of 3 persons tested don't enjoy being tested and the other 1 out of 3 refuses to turn up for testing at all.

Mental Web Linking has the power to move. It may move you but not always in ways you might wish. Watch for it; it's coming and you'd better be ready.

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