“I always knew they'd rig their entrance test for me.”
“Outlawed, yes, outlawed!”
Individuals attempting to be assimilated into the Mensa hive must prove their IQ is in fact above the 145 threshold (and that their appendix has not yet been removed), by attempting the following test and remaining in a state of calm.
Note to approved examiners - please ensure that candidates meet the following criteria
- They pass a qualifying credit score with at least 3 major credit agencies and possess at least 2 major credit cards
- They are in a quiet, dust free environment, wearing the clown suit that has been supplied
- Power of Attorneys have been signed allowing Mensa to extract spleens from unfortunate victims
- Their brain is resting on a flat, dust free and fire proof surface
- All forms of ventilation are cut off
- Approved brands of blindfolds have been supplied to candidates where requested
- Enough Bengal Tigers (one per candidate) are available
- $180 Membership fee.
- Time allowed: 42 minutes, 13 seconds, and 71 deciseconds
- Textbooks: As per joining instructions (You will find these within the appropriate textbook).
- All questions must be completed, varnished and set in a gilt surround.
- A pass mark is –85%
- $280 Membership dues.
- The testing fee has been paid. (You will find the instructions on how to collect the testing fee in the same textbook that has the textbook instructions.)
- History – Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating specially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, America and Slovenia. Be brief, concise and specific.
- History 2 - Reenact the fall of Rome. You may use a dog, but no humans.
- Medicine – You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until it has been inspected.
- Public Speaking – 2500 riot crazed immigrants are storming the local citizen’s advice bureau. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. You may provide them with chairs, but no cushions.
- Biology – Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the British parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. Develop a prototype for the genocide of this new life form.
- Music – Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute, drum, banjo and bagpipes. You will find a tiny piano under your seat.
- Sociology – Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Write up your results in the form of a charcoal drawing from the Renaissance period.
- Economics – Do my taxes. Use only a TI-92 addition/subtraction calculator, an old starbucks gift card, and a receipt for a solar powered anal douche. Receipt not provided.
- Engineering – The disassembled parts of a high powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed backwards in Aramaic. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision to the Royal Society for the Instant Execution of Anyone Who Harms Bengal Tigers with High Powered Rifles.
- Political science – There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on the sociological aspects, if any.
- Philosophy – Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare it with the development of any other kind of thought, but especially that of lemurs. Then frame your sketch and sell it to a gallery of your choosing.
- General Knowledge – Describe in detail, using specific examples.
- Self Discipline – Enter a self induced state of chronic depression. Leave within a timeframe of three minutes. Comment on the effect of Murphy's Law on your thought interpolation and extrapolation, in detail.
- Cooking – Concealed within your desk is a titanium wrapped packet of instant noodles. Using your various bodily organs, expose its contents and prepare the meal to perfection. You will find a bike powered heating element hanging from the roof. You have 10 minutes.
- Cooking 2 - Prepare escargot, peppercorn steak, fruit salad, and chocolate pie to perfection using the grasshoppers, chicken, Brazilian nuts, and vanilla ice cream provided. You may use the heating device from the previous question.
- Mathematics – Calculate to 423.142 decimal places, on paper. Upon closer inspection, you will find that your desk is merely a stack of 50 A3 pages compounded together. Use both sides of these as working paper to arrive at your answer.
- Theoretical physics – Formulate a quantum field theory unifying gravity with the other forces of nature. Rigorously justify your findings with empirical evidence from the particle accelerator in front of you, which will be available for exactly 2 minutes. Write at length on the implications of your theory for the ultimate fate of the comic book industry. Demonstrate these results using only interpretative dance. Be sure to explain why protons are red, and how this relates to Einsteins errors in relativity theory, if any. If not, prove Einstein proved protons are red.
- Irrelevance – A man is on a train moving at 42km per hour. The train is 3.142857 km from Philadelphia, but heading towards Washington. His sister is on a spacehopper traveling towards Wales at 13,000 km per hour. As she approaches the speed of light, time will slow by 4242 km/h. If the man spills his coffee, the train will stop while the police interrogate him. His sister may not notice the commotion, as she now has the same mass as the earth and is being crushed by an unfortunate aardvark. Based on this, if the president buys a packet of jelly babies, which will he eat first - the blue one or the red one?
- Art - Create an exact replica of the Mona Lisa using only the colors pink and orange. Your replica must bear an exact resemblance to the original work of art. A piece of burnt toast, which will serve as your canvas, can be found under the desk. You must use paint for this question. Paint is not provided.
- Psychic Ability - Read your examiner's mind. Write down and discuss what you find there using the mechanical pencil buried under 50 feet of uranium somewhere in Northern Russia.
- Patience - The actual question will be given to you in 90 hours. You may not leave the room until you have obtained and answered the question to the best of your ability.
- Video Games - A wireless XBox controller is under your desk. In 90 minutes, press every button 90,000 times.
- Psychology - Transplant a chicken's brain into your own, then using this brain, write a thesis on why you have just performed this transplant using only the last page of Freud's 'Sexuality' as a reference.
- Astronomy - A massive meteorite is heading towards Earth and will destroy the planet in twenty-seven minutes. Using only a paperclip, a rubber band, a firecracker, twelve tons of raisins, and a rusty nail, change the Moon's orbit in such a way that it will block the meteorite from hitting Earth. Leaving the Earth's atmosphere is prohibited.