Mennonites
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“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. No,it's just one of my quotes, it isn't about Mennonites. I mean, come on, I can't have a quote on everything! Mennonites, for Christ's sake! Really? Really?”
“They brought me to the Dark Side”
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[edit] Similarity to Jews
Mennonites are very similar to Jews, in the sense that they're both cheap as Jews. Here is a list of similarities and differences:
• Many Mennonites play the Jews' Harp, but not one Jew plays a Mennonites' harp
• They're both VERY cheap (individually they cost about the same, although Jews can be slightly cheaper if bought in volume)
• Mennonites usually have 297,858 children on average, while Jews killed Our Savior
• Mennonites have foreskins
• Mennonites have been linked to bone cancer, while Jews have not
• Mennonites are usually politically incorrect and racist, while Jews are racist in a very politically correct manner
• Mennonites know the ancient tongue of low German, a dialect passed on through the elders of the tribe. Jews, on the other hand, speak Yiddish, a language that consists of two phrases - 'Oy Vey' and 'GefilteSchnertz' - and for the rest is just a stringing together of random guttural consonants interlaced with sneezes
• Mennonites bathe regularly, and they don't bake babies into cakes and eat them, and they don't control the media and entertainment business, and they're not money-grubbing Holocaust-whores who would sell out their own family for a dollar. All these same things can be said of Jews (ha! betcha thought that one was gonna end differently, didn't you?)
• Contrary to popular belief, they do not have a rivalry with the Amish, the Jews, the Muslims, or the Wiccans. They have a rivalry with the Jedi, and don't you forget that.
[edit] Smoking of the Beard
Recently the Mennonites have been reforming their traditions. The ways of communion have been altered. The great biblical scholar Mark Heinrichs has come to new conclusions of what the christ child desired from us during his time of great pain and suffering on the cross. It is said that Jewish soldiers ripped the beard of Jesus and burned it in a fire below the cross. This made jesus get the giggles and he declared that all should have the opportunity to enjoy the great sense of "high" that he was feeling at that time. Jesus' beard has since been found to grow naturally in southern climates as well as in "grow houses" operated by drug dealers. It is common for this plant, now known as marijuana and outlawed in many places to be smoked during communion after the breaking of the bread and the drinking of the wine.
[edit] Famous Mennonites
Some Mennonites you may have heard of may be Menno Simmons, Jacob Amman, and Dr. Mario. It is because of them that the Mennonites of today have relations with the Amish, paddle-ball tournaments, and funny hats. Mennonites are like Amish people in that they make pie, raise livestock, churn butter, and collectively (as a community) raise barns. Also, they are not afraid to rock a fresh pair of Nike cross trainers and sell you a slammin' home baked pie at your local "Amish" market. Don't turn it down either, those Mennonite chicks are HOT (if you're into the whole girl that looks like she's from the colonial era and her husband should be wearing a powdered wig type of thing).
[edit] Events
Even the Mennonites, who are self-proclaimed perfectionists, have problems now and again. The great Schism between Western Mennonites and Eastern Mennonites tore Middle Earth in two, creating some of the bloodiest battles ever made up. Unbeknowst to many, who assume these people are harmless, they are the fiercest lightsaber warriors around, easily defeating Darth Vader after training him hundreds of years ago and killing 90% of their own kind in the process. The cause of this Schism is still debated between historians, thought it is believed that one Mennonite stole his friend's lunch money, thus beginning a huge and nonsensical brawl. But finally, in 1964, the Mennonite civilization was reformed and peace returned to the world, but they continued the little known tradition of lightsaber battles that they have been practicing since the dawn of time whenever a skirmish between families broke out.
