Menlo School

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Menlo School, known widely as Menlo, is an independent, private college preparatory in Atherton, California, USA. Its students are revered for respecting no limitations; on and off the field, in and out of school, Menlo students will always go too far, quite often with a loud cheer and Miller Lite in hand.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS FROM A MENLO COMPUTER, READ NO FURTHER. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU ARE, HOW STUPID AND CARELESS YOU ARE, AND THE LIBRARY POLICE FORCE (DER BÜCHABTEILUNG) WILL BE OVER SHORTLY TO SHIP YOU TO GITMENLO, THE COLB'S INFAMOUS UNDERGROUND PRISON. YOU MAY GET LUCKY BY TAKING A JOB AS TORTURE DEVICE-CLEANER.

edit History

Menlo School was founded by a group of delinquent boys in 1915. The school was originally a military school but lost its affiliation when the "don't ask don't tell" policy was violated. The school received such extraordinary marks on its initial SAT testing that it became to be known as the “School for Men with Low Scores.” This name was soon shortened to “Menlo” and Middle School was added to the campus. After losing its affiliation with the military, a more diverse student body began to be admitted, and the school became coed to satisfy the frustrated students.

In 1927, an undergraduate college (Menlo College) was founded to meet the high demand in the area for an alternative to Stanford’s more traditional “book-learning.” Although Menlo Middle School was initially jealous of the High School’s close relationship with the College (apparently the new institution “threw better parties”), the three would grow closer over time, and today one can hardly separate the three. It is common to see Menlo College students sharing a beer with Menlo High School and Menlo Middle School students, especially during shared school trips, such as the yearly ski trip.

It should be noted that this article has come under a different authorship as of 2007, the previous authors having been expelled for revealing school secrets.

Recent developments in the school history include the freak dancing and free speech controversies.

edit Administration

Since its founding in 1915, Menlo has had 46 Heads of School, 300 Academic Deans and 4 Dean of Students. The most famous of these is Norman Colb, who has successfully led both the High School and Middle School through a trying campus renovation when every building with appropriately sized classrooms or any sense of unique character was replaced by monolithic, cold, echoing rooms. Norman Colb's primary achievement was installing $15,000 smart boards in most classrooms. These provide students with a challenging alternative to the all too straightforward white board. As of the 2007-2008 school year, there is one "smart" student on campus, so named not because of their intellectual capabilities but because of their ability to use the smart boards. The administration so guaranteed that the students live up to the mission statement by working in a “challenging academic environment” where struggling to operate a smart board is symbolic of struggling for knowledge.

Since joining Menlo in 2001, Mr. Colb has posted all-star stats. So far this season, he has had 3 Corporate Boards, 4 SSCs (Superfluous Schedule Changes), 37 soporific speeches, 15 hit points, and an Extemporaneous Remark Average (ERA) of .310. Up from last season, his Hyperboles Delivered In (HDI) has increased by 3%, now at an average of 13 every interaction.

edit Your mission statement, if you choose to accept it...

...is to empower other students to explore and expand their sexuality, reach their fullest fashion potential, develop the skills necessary for success in state penitentiary, and become an ethical, responsible, and engaged member of your ever widening member.

edit Admissions

The vast majority of applicants to Menlo School spend a "shadow day" visiting the institution. The applicants that survive this process are eligible for admission. Their private information, after traditionally being released to NAMBLA, is plugged into the following equation, derived from the one for "Expected Value". Note that recommendations, essays, and other application materials besides the ones listed below will be used as kindling for the campus Hellfires (reserved for students who break the school code, by, for example, insulting an opponent during an election speech). This leaves the following:

V= 100P +  0.01S + 0.2G + \sqrt{I} + 10L

Where V is projected value to the school, P is the parental net worth, S is the SSAT scores, G is the GPA, I is the intelligence exhibited during the interview, and L is good looks. Note that all values are on a scale from 0 to 1, where 0 is you and 1 is Bill Gates. If you are Bill Gates, 0 will be forced to equal 1 and your head will explode (submit videos, please).

V must equal 90 or above for a student to be admissible. The student is then put through the pain test, to make sure that students will be able to withstand each other (in particular, each other's stupidity). A sperm sample is collected from all female students and all men are administered a pregnancy test. These results are then published on the internet to humiliate the students in question. (ie. lolz taht n00b is i|\|f3rt!|_3 !!!11!!!1!eleventyone). Demonstrating a deep understanding of our reproductive system, the administration believes that these procedures will prevent teen pregnancies (or at least make them funnier). Alternatives are being explored, such as employing the Falcon Punch maneuver to solve teen pregnancy.

In summary, here are ways to maximize admissibility:

  • Try getting plastic surgery or working in a sweatshop to earn some money. Your grades,scores, and intelligence only serve to break a tie. Don't worry about them.
  • If you still believe in the myth of a merit-based admissions (or don't understand mathematical expressions), break into the Gates residence and find out his SSAT scores from Middle School. Retake the exam until your scores approach his. This will make your converted score closer to 1. (See above equation)
  • Win the lottery (and shamelessly brag about it). Make sure to appear to be a big spender.
  • Be good looking so visitors will be fooled into actually wanting to attend such a place.
  • To maximize your potential contribution to the school endowment, be sure to be well endowed. This will be checked during the pregnancy test and during your "interview" with the admissions/parole officer.
  • Don't be too intelligent. You may actually give the correct answer in class, thereby depriving everybody else of a "fair chance" at learning.

All admitted students go through a freshman orientation before the first day of classes, ensuring that they are neither gay nor straight, but of the freshman persuasion. This ensures that the notoriously dangerous freshman girls don't get interested in older students and get upperclassmen pregnant.

edit Athletics

Menlo School’s sports team is known as “The Knights.” Under the daftly tireless command, tutelage, and direction of Craig Schoof, all of Menlo’s teams are having their “best season ever.”

Menlo uses only the finest materials to provide for its athletes. Menlo's baseball team, for example, has four varieties of jackets and outfits. It plays and practices on a field covered in only the finest dirt imported from the war-torn region of Kashmir. Absolutely no expense is too great. Their practice bats are made out of a composite of balsa, teak, and mahogony woods with a carbon-fibre weave, forged in Menlo School's very own armory and smithy, operating since 1943 when it was used to create aircraft parts for the war effort. Specifically, propellers and ammunition clips. Menlo Tennis uses newborn kitten guts to string their rackets, only accepting the finest materials commonly used to string violins and harps (seriously, look it up - catgut). The sound of Menlo Tennis winning CCS and NorCal was likened to Beethoven's 9th performed by the Sacred Heart Orchestra. The guts are always obtained fresh from mutant kittens secretly bred in the back of the cafeteria. The rest of the meat serves as enchilada filling and chicken nuggets.

edit Campus Culture

Menlo’s Cafeteria is the established “cool place” on campus. At lunch time some days, you can see almost 30% of students having lunch here! A new “organic” method of preparing food was put into place in 2005 to the delight of Menlo’s dancing and volleyball community. Thanks to Menlo’s unique and experimenting cafeteria, anorexia is no longer a “fashionable” trend; it is the rule.

The soft-serve ice cream machine was an undeniable attraction until it was broken by some middle school brat, drunk on the listerene his Menlo College friend had sold him. The administration has promised a replacement, and with a comparatively short waiting time of approximately 6 months (circa June 07), most students are hopeful that they will once again expand the market for type 2 diabetes drugs. The soda machines are turned off during the middle school lunch period, a significant source of student anger, but this has been remedied in part by shooting dissidents with tranquilizer darts. The fact that the sandwich, salad, and cookie bars are the hottest locations during peak hours is indicative of the quality and mouth-watering nature of its served foods. Try the enchiladas, they're incredible!

Menlo is home to a wide variety of clubs and subcultures, ranging from the Mercedes Porsche Alliance to Freakdancing United (F.U.) to Students for Less Unnecessary Teenage Sobriety (SLUTS). Another prominent group is the RATC, the Red Army Training Corps (meetings held in the bread lines at the cafeteria).

Menlo recently offered students an opportunity to take an out of the ordinary class for one week during what was called "Knight School". This gave students an opportunity to question their views on recent political issues during courses such as "Gay or nay?", "Gore, the antichrist", and "Who sodomized the electric car?".

There has been recent debate on the issue or freak dancing at Menlo School. Recent dances have been canceled, and the administration is unwavering in their campaign against a safe alternative to sexual activity. At Menlo dances, one will experience the most orgasmic dancing experience possible, with numerous girls removing their shirts to give you a blowjob. Freshmen are overwhelmed by this experience, compared to Menlo Middle school dances where teachers always stay within a 1 meter range of any dancing that resembles freak dancing. While the administration acknowledges that the Salsa class offered at Menlo contained dancing that was more sensual than freak dancing, they contend that banning it would be considered discriminatory as the lyrics of salsa are in Spanish. One major barrier to student dances (often cited by the administration) is teacher discomfort whilst watching student dances (an action which raises a few questions in of itself). The administration's position can be summed up in the following phrase, which may soon find its way into the mission statement: "Safe dancing is sexy dancing" (to which the student body replied "Our sexy dancing is safe dancing"). At this point the national guard was called in to put an end to the conflict, but was soon bought off by angry parents, then promptly resold to serve as mercenary forces in the war on poverty (and by poverty, I mean poor people).

Menlo has spearheaded the "Safe Teen Dancing" (more commonly known as STD) program, offering educational videos featuring active SLUTS members. The response to this has been F.U., a new club bringing all freak dancers together in brotherhood (See above). The program's motto currently is: "Don't freak while we're watching, screw when we're not". The schools taking part in this program (henceforth referred to as the coalition of the willing) include Saint Ignatius Preparatory, Archbishop Riordan High, and other institutions with largely sexually inexperienced faculty members. Claims that these schools have supplied only small amounts of virginity-keeping troops and have hardly contributed to the war on sex are lies fabricated by liberal media pundits such as Bill O'Reilly.

edit Controversy

I know what you're thinking, this section is really, really attractive...

FreakingComic.jpg

Students discourse on the finer points of freaking, moments before they are captured

Free speech has come under fire recently. When a student commented on his opponent's amazing sexual prowess during a student government erection speech, he was promptly banished to the Hellfires, as his claims were untrue (according to the administration). A new civil liberties club has been formed, exploring concepts such as how to get rid of a DUI conviction (cooperate so the officer forgets to read your rights, claim you were clueless and go free to frolic in the oh-so-painfully-bright sun), how to piss off the administration, by, for example, forming clubs such as this one, and how to not get drunk at a school function (a radical concept, way ahead of its time).

Another attack on free speech has come in the form of the school's internet policy. If the administration were ever to find this article, the student body would be decimated and the authors burnt at the (organic) stake. Obviously the word satire is not completely understood(dictionary burning has been a timeless tradition at the school, so nobody has had a chance to look it up).

There has been recent controversy on the issue or freak dancing at Menlo School. Recent dances have been canceled, and the administration is unwavering in their campaign against a safe alternative to sexual activity. While the administration acknowledges that the Salsa class offered at Menlo contained dancing that was more sensual than freak dancing, they contend that banning it would be considered discriminatory as the lyrics of salsa are in Spanish. One major barrier to student dances (often cited by the administration) is teacher discomfort whilst watching student dances (an action which raises a few questions in of itself). The administration's position can be summed up in the following phrase, which may soon find its way into the mission statement: "Safe dancing is sexy dancing" (to which the student body replied "Our sexy dancing is safe dancing". At this point the national guard was called in to put an end to the conflict, but was soon bought off by angry parents, then promptly resold to serve as mercenary forces in the war on poverty (and by poverty, I mean poor people).

Another brand of controversy came when Menlo decided to pull the plug on Sacred Heart Preparetarded, the Terri Schiavo of West Coast private college preparatory schools. Sacred Heart was and still is in the prayers of many Americans across the nation. Like that helped them win Valpo Bowl...

The Menlo High orchestra sparked the now famous Iraq war during its world tour when it played "Dreidel Dreidel" at Saddam's palace in Baghdad. The participating students were immediately Saddamized, provoking a violent reaction on the part of George W., who has long held a phobia of Saddamization. The liberal media failed to pick up on this story, rather focusing on alleged WMDs, obviously a phallic symbol promoted by the oh-so-tempting Gay agenda.

The writing of this article sparked considerable controversy when it was first discovered. The authors were damned for eternity, but the administration never figured out how to delete the article... we hope...

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