The Men in Black (MIB) are a secret organization of wisecracking, alien-busting good guys dedicated to protecting the universe from "the scum of the universe". You have likely heard of them before and seen them in action; however, you will not remember it at all because they wiped your memory of the event with a neuralyzer, a device that emulates the power of the Jedi mind trick in much the way a flamethrower lets you cast a fireball spell.
Remember that freaky dream you had where you were having sex with the hot guy/girl from math class/work/the train the other day, and he/she turned out to be an alien? Yeah, that was real. Any man (or increasingly, in the 21st century) woman you see in funeral-wear is doubtless a member of this elusive organization. If you see one, tackle them immediately and remove their neuralyzer from their inner-jacket pocket (unless they are actually at a funeral. If that is the case, go over and offer your deepest sentiments to the family of the deceased).
The MIB is such a secret organization that nobody in any government anywhere knows about them, not even the U.S. President (Except former President Richard Nixon, who as the missing Nixon White House tapes reveal, was secretly a giant bug that wore the skins of the dead, like many Quakers. Say what you will about the man, he could keep a secret). Being completely secret presents the screamingly obvious matter of a total lack of government funding, and so shortly after its formation the organization went spectacularly and completely bankrupt.
That was, until the very first operative, Agent O devised an ingenious plan that is still in operation to this very day. Using alien technology, they manufactured products and then sold them to the general public under the guise of corporate fronts. Companies that are actually fronts for the MIB include Microsoft, Motorola, MoneySupermarket.com, and almost any company whose name starts with the letter "M". Products that were created with the help of alien technology include Androids, virtual reality goggles, and the fidget spinner. Most other technologies, such as cars, the lightbulb, and Atari 2600 were reverse-engineered from Megatron; while Doctor Who, as every British schoolchild knows, is the inventor of fire and the first payphone.
Neuralyzers are devices used to wipe the memories of ordinary people like you and me. Certain capitalist species are immune to neuralyzers however, like Worms, Boglodites, Hutts, and Ferengi. MIB trainees have been known to use neuralyzers for nefarious purposes, such as dodging taxes, overthrowing minor governments of small countries like Luxembourg, and arranging one-night stands. MIB protect themselves from their own neuralyzers using oversized sunglasses which filter out and make them immune to the neuralyzing rays, but they still need special robot-eye protection as they manipulates electronic storage devices.
Undoubtably the most famous members of MIB were (and probably still are) Agents Jay (J) and Kay (K). All MIB members are named after letters, so originally there could only ever be 26 members at any one time; this was realized to be utterly stupid in 1997, and so an additional 52 members were added using the Greek and Phonetic alphabets. Agents Jay and Kay are well known for their defeat of various nasty aliens, including Edgar the Bug, Queen Serleena, Boris the
Spider Animal, and Vulcan Prime Minister Spock. The leader of MIB is always called Zed (Z) or Ohh (O), and the head of the medical bay at MIB headquarters is always called Ell (L). We can deduce from these facts that MIB was first established as a purely British organization before moving to the United States, as the leader would doubtless be dubbed with the incorrect pronunciation of the letter Z, Zee, otherwise.
MIB also has two other members who handle technical matters, the alien twins Kwllyuurrrgh and Bob. Johnny Cash was once Agent Cee, but after he confessed "I shot a man from Pluto, just to watch him die!" he was dismissed from the Men in Black. However, he refused to turn in his uniform and was known as the Man in Black for the rest of his career, until the family of the man from Pluto returned to vaporize Cash's heart in revenge.
Upon reaching a certain age (if they have not been promoted to the senior position of Zed) MIB members retire on a large pension and are neuralyzed to prevent them leaking information. This is seen as much more humane than how they used to do things in the old days, where following their retirement party they would abduct them and ship them off to an island to live in a village of former agents, where if they attempted to escape a giant bubble would float down to absorb them.
Enemies and alliesEdit
The majority of aliens that visit Earth are benign, but occasionally there are vicious ones who seek to cause chaos and spread fear, which the MIB must stop. The MIB occasionally receives donations from civic-minded aliens who have been legally allowed to live on Earth and made it big, including the likes of Superman, Dennis Rodman, and Tom Cruise. Most aliens however are dirt poor and work crappy jobs just to get by, like Jack Jeebs in his pawn shop or Frank the Pug running a newsstand in order to pay the bills.
- DMV – Another elite organization tasked with apprehending transforming robot motor vehicles, who are here on Earth illegally, have expired tags, haven't had their emissions checked, or have a broken headlight.
- FBI – Asking a giant three-headed lobster to pretend to be a human as part of the witness protection program, is like asking the Wayans Brothers to be white girls; oh wait, they actually did that.
- United Federation of Planets – The Federation has a much more open border policy.
- Gun control – Sorry NRA, you don't need to be armed with plasma guns and neuralyzers like the MIB, anymore than I need a Sex Robot girlfriend; this isn't the Wild Wild West anymore. But maybe if you're less overzealous this holiday season, Santa will give you some alien hardware. Now look me in the eyes and I think you'll find my argument's quite convincing and in keeping with your own nebulous values: trust me, it's for your own protection.