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In the beginning God created women, and he created beer. Woman and her companions governed the land, but God decided that too many resources were being spent on unproductive things, and that not enough progress was being made. Thus, Man was created to restore order and peace through the execution of orderly, peaceful actions. Men differ from women in that their brain is positioned differently, they have an extra appendage that may or may not play a role in reproduction, and they have magic hair that is socially acceptable to grow on their face, underarms, chest and leg regions, but the magic wears off once they reach a certain age. Beer a mans drink is for men! only real men drink beer. Gays and other fake men drink that fruity European shit. Beer is the drink that gets you laid.
Whilst "science" supposedly demonstrates that man has evolved from apes over millions of years, this theory is considered by some to be hogwash. I mean, you only have to look at an ape to know that this is ridiculous. Apes can't talk and they can't drive cars, nor can they speak English. In fact, man was created by a supernatural being from common clay. This is a much more credible claim, as is proven by the fact that millions of people in America and the Middle East believe it. Yeah, bitch, where is your Richard Dawkins now?
edit Domination of Earth
Man rose to be the dominant creature on the planet Earth mostly by hunting iPhones and eating them. And by building and wearing clothes. Man also invented other things to help him dominate the Earth, such as the electric light (to see in the dark); the car (to take him all over the world); the train (to carry the heavy load - monoliths, for instance) and the bullet (for the war, which comes when he meets other men who compete with him for resources or have a strongly-opposing ideology). Men achieved these feats with their faculties of unparallell logic. When faced with problems they will either 'get hormonal' (not really 'hormonal', as testosterone is involved) and obliterate the problem; or use the yet-more powerful logic. Women rely on intuition, empathy, and social skills; but when did that ever get you anywhere but screwed? Men will clear up most interpersonal misunderstandings with a Philips screwdriver, some rope, a Texas Instruments calculator, binary code for the moron opposite you who can't read your lips, and an ego larger than life itself because they don't know where first to begin but they'll do whatever the hell they think is what "men do." The infallibility of this method was proven ontologically in Descartes' Seventh Meditation. Descartes was for the record one of the first rationalists. In other words they suck.
edit Manly pleasures
Human males have the largest penis in proportion to body size than any other primate species. So what do men like? Women. Well, most of them like women but there are some who like other men, these men are known as "superior males" who think for themselves and don't have children to weigh them down and lower the sex from daily to monthly.
Regardless of who they like to be with, there are some things all men like. These include beer which is so popular with men that it's found anywhere in the world with men in it, except Saudi Arabia. Masturbation is another of the basic pleasures of men.
edit Good Men
The dapper man of today must always think to himself, what is the modern way of life? What are we to do with our brillcreme, yogurt tins, and the calculus? We may have studied well and in school earned very high marks. But what does it lead to, pray tell? What more is there to life than simply making money and getting good grades? What about the state of the nation, the sagging economy, the downtrodden looks on the faces of our clowns and entertainers?
The nice young men can take care of this. They stand for 'good values, wholesomeness, a can-do attitude, and they love their mothers so very much (and their wives!!)'. And with this great love comes the responsibility of supporting them. Some men settle with just loving their wives, but a most men live to cater to a woman's every whim. Indeed, these fine young men are the future of the nation, and if they learn properly the values that will stand them in good stead in the eyes of their fellows, and the lord our savior Jesus Christ as well, can really make a go of it in life. They won't be the sad and loser types. They are up an at 'em, go getter, wonderful, young men. Although in the past women were used as something amounting to slaves, they had no right and no will this therefore should be carried on in tradition but sadly women have manned up to take advantage of mans very few weaknesses and are taking over the world.
edit Male intelligence
The intelligence of a Man can be worked out using the following formula:
I = P / B * R|W
Or in layman's terms -
Male Intelligence = Number of Pies eaten in one sitting divided by how many Beers consumed times the number of Retards or Woman in the room
This formula highlights the fact that the average man is potentially (however unlikely this prospect may seem) smarter than the average woman, depending on his beer drinking or pie eating capabilities. Depending on his access to said beer and pie, he is also potentially incredibly overweight, not unlike your mom.
edit Guy Speak
Because girls (and some gay guys) can't understand them here's a brief overview of the terminology used by males:
- "I love you so much!"- I'm so horny i'd say anything for sex.
- "I'm fine." - Get me a beer and get naked too
- "It's not your fault" - Just have sex with me and it will all be OK
- "Let's do it" - Let's do it
- "Leave me alone" - You are obviously creepy in someway, or have small breasts
- "Don't worry, there's no need for you to buy me a present" - All I expect is a nice time in bed with a present.
- "I need some space" - Come to me naked and we will talk
- "We need to talk" - I'm not getting enough sex.
- "I don't want to ruin our friendship" - You look ugly. Get breast implants.
- "5 minutes" - 5 hours.
- Loud sigh* - Just have sex with me already.
- "I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" - (see 'I don't want to ruin our friendship')
- "I'm just so busy right now" - I would prefer a beer
- "It's all right"- I expect you to be naked tonight.
- "You can hang out with your girlfriends instead, I don't mind" - Just bring them home so we can have an orgy. And pick me up some beer.
- "Lets do something fun."- Let's have sex!
- "I think we should just be friends for now" - (see 'I don't want to ruin our friendship' again)
- "I love you." - I want to have sex with you
- "I had a good time [insert girl's name here]"- be worried, be very worried, unless the girl is lesbian, and you actually know that
- "There's someone else..." - assume he really wants to end that sentence with the phrase "...with larger boobs. Much larger.
- "My girl friends are sneaking over tonight, but I wont cheat."- this means hey, you have small breasts
Before creating human men, God experimented with several prototypes:
- Green Man: This guy had hawk-eyes and albinism. He was handsome, but the first women found him creepy. God spread this guy's genes around humanity until actual bishonen were born.
- Bear: Fat guy who loved beer and football. God cloned this man a thousand times and sent an army of this species to Earth.
- Nerd: The first women were unwilling to fuck either the green men or the bears, so God created intellectual males.
- Actor: God genetically spliced this prototype from the prototypes listed above to create a handsome nerd.
- Average Joe: The actors were able to seduce the first women, but were terrible at dating due to lack of social skills, so God created a race of men with social skills. Due to the short length of the Y chromosome, some men were unable to receive social skills because they had too many other genes already present. The first women were happy to fuck Average Joes, and have been making babies with them ever since.
- Celebrity: God genetically spliced the best genes from all previously listed prototypes to create potential celebrities. By this point, most humans possessed genes from all of the prototypes listed above. Many celebrities floundered in mental illness before Anonymous discovered that celebrities could read the minds of their fans as a source of support.
- Batman: A very rare variant of man. Similar to the Chuck Norris, though far more dark in nature. It is suspected that this prototype was created with the inability to smile or feel at all, making him highly sought after by males and females alike.
90% of men belong to MEN-sa
edit See also