Memphis
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“Bitches be flippin.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Memphis
The King of Memphis
Long Live the King
Memphis is well-regarded city located on the banks of the Mighty Mississippi, a suburb of West Memphis Arkansas and the capital of North Mississippi. It is the home of B.B. King, Elvis "The King",FedEx, and little DeMartarequevious Jackson.
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[edit] History
Memphis (colloquially Membabwe) was founded in 3102 B.C. by Pharaoh Menses I who was killed in battle by Keith Richards and B.B. King, the leader of the Egyptian conquest of Tennessee. Long one of the world's centres of civilisation, Memphis declined when it was conquered by Alexander the Great, and Egyptian power shifted to such other cities as Cairo, Illinois and Alexandria, Louisiana. Memphis rebounded during the 19th Dynasty with the invention of the steamship, including some local examples which used early versions of the external combustion engine and Sta-Sof-Fro hair care products.
In the early 20th Dynasty, Memphis was controlled by Boss Crump, who invented the blues. Crump was tragically assassinated in 1968 BCE at a local motel known as the Admiral Benbow Inn.
[edit] Industry
No major industry exists as the majority of Memphians work as professional pimps. There are many enterprising businesses throughout the city of Memphis that sell combined goods such as cell phones, scooters, and human hair. Memphis has many opportunities for the single mother, such as topless bars, Summer Ave., and working at Denny's. Rap has surpassed the former primary music style of Memphis, Dreary Local Rock.
Other local commerce includes cooking barbeque and looting antiquities from the tombs of mummies.
[edit] 'Hoods
- Downtown (A lovely, clean and crime-free area famous for it's entertainment)
- Norf Memphis (a hard crime filled part of memphis)
- Dirty Dova ( or cordova- "surburb" of memphis but soon to become a crime filled hood)
- Hickory Hood (heart of east memphis)
- Orange Mound (a harsh hood in south memphis)
- Funky Town (south memphis)
- South Memphis (the hardest, dirtiest, poorest, and most voilent part of memphis)
- Whitehaven (a hood north south memphis closest to mississippi)
- Blackhaven (another name for whitehaven AKA BHZ "BLACK HAVEN ZONE"}
- Mexicanhaven (Eastern expansion of Nutbush)
- Hookerhaven (South of Downtown, north of South Memphis)
- East Memphis (a good neighborhood gone bad)
- Binghampton (a hood in north memphis)
- Germantown (Quaint, presumptuous suburb on the road to Collierville)
- Bartlett (suburb of memphis where police is hot at)
- Arlington (country part of memphis)
- Lakeland (u dont wanna go here it's boring)
- Covington
- West Wood (one of the most violent partrs of south memphis)
- Lake View Garden
- Walker Homes (a nother part of west wood)
- Dixie Homes (a tore down part of north memphis)
- Double Tree Villigde
- River Side (a part of south memphis)
- Raliegh (Once a quiet suburb, now a part of north memphis)
- Collierville (Quiet farm community)
- Midtown (Home to 98.3% of the gay and Asian populations)
- Nutbush (Hotspot of medical research full of the mexicans)
- Pallet town
- Vermillon city
[edit] People
The citizens of Memphis are eager to support civic improvement projects at any given time. These include the construction of giant glass pyramids, freeways that end nowhere, massive elevators to nowhere, and complex sub-par monorail public transport systems.
[edit] Bland People
Bland white people like Justin Timberlake fled the city and now reside in the suburb of Germantown. Because of this, the Whitehaven area was officially renamed "Blackhaven" by local philosophers, Three 6 Mafia, who 10 minutes after they proclaimed their great "rename" of the area were shot to death in "Mexicanhaven."
In the area of Germantown and Collierville are numerous white kids who act black. While "keeping it real" in the cars mommy and daddy bought them they rep their thuggin' hoods, until they're carjacked.
[edit] Crime
Crime is very popular among the people of Memphis. Memphis ranks number one in the nation for infant mortality. Memphis ranks number one in the nation for child pedestrian deaths. In 2006, the Memphis metropolitan area ranked second most dangerous in the United States. Memphis ended 2005 with 154 kills, 2006 ended with 160 kills. The FBI now reported in 2007 that Shelby County (The county memphis was in) had the most murders per capita in the nation. This would not be a problem if Memphis had respawn points. The Memphis Police Department has responded with the initiation of Operation Blue C.R.U.S.H. (Crime Reduction Using Statistical History), which targets repeat offenders that are already in jail.
[edit] Gubment
Is currently run and operated by DINO Pharaoh W. W. Herenton, Ed.D., more commonly referred to as King Willie. The long lived Herenton has ruled Memphis under the personal appointment of his lord and savior Jesus Christ since the death of Ptolemy XV in 34 BC, who was run over by a bunch of drunk white people in a Cotton Carnival float shaped like an insect. King Willie's most recent act is the destruction of the Memphis City School system and attempting to spread his destruction to the surrounding Shelby County School systems by forcing the two systems to merge. He is also the father in at least four families and has many illegitimate children with assorted unnamed "individuals". He is a very educated man whose recent campaign slogan was "Shake them haters off". The King has made mention of late that his true passion is in the education of children, not running cities into the ground as he was divinely chosen to do so. He hopes to teach proper English to children in the Memphis City Schools when they offer him the job, which is his God given right.
[edit] Famous Son
Memphis' most famous son, the King of Yodel, Roy Orbison passed away in 1977. Since his death, his home has become a shrine to fans worldwide. The cult hit Blue Velvet, loosely based on his feud with Bobby Vinton, was filmed on the grounds of his mansion.
His death has always been a mystery. According to an eyewitness, he was watching television when an episode of Trading Spaces appeared. He was sucked into the television set with a bloodcurling shriek; where he had once sat lay only a small chocolate mint, the trademark of Bill Nye the Science Guy. Damn you, TLC.
Worshipers started spontaneously dressing as candy colored clowns and sandmen in 1982. These sleepytime standard-bearers helped fulfill the dreams of Memphis as the premier resting place for Middle Aged Male Sex Symbols, or MAMSS for short.
And then there's that dude who rolls up and down McLean in that wheelchair with one huge dread. He's the key to Memphis and why most people choose to raise their children there.
[edit] Sightings
The Memphis Bros. parlor game, Six degrees of Roy Orbison has swept the nation amid rumors that Roy is still alive and calling bingo at a continent galloping trailer park. The History Channel, Biography Channel, Leonard Nimoy, History International, The Hitler Channel, Arts and Hitler Channel, Leonard Nimoy International and The WB have all been unable to confirm this voracious rumor. Hope among the candy colored clowns and the sandmen remain high. And also the Justin Timberlake International Airport!
[edit] Off the Beaten Path
The best part of Memphis is Cooper YOung....it is starting to be slowly eaten by corporate america...we are fighting it off by letting Corporate America Consume worthless places like Collierville, Germantown, Bartlett, and lots of other suburbs. The demise of the sno-cone shop on E. Parkway with the 2 polar bear statues outside that borders the Cooper-Young neighborhood to the east has led to an influx of huge American corporations such as Soul Fish, Tsunami, and the ubiquitous House of Mews. These money grubbing suckers of life flowing juices are slowly eating into the very fabric of the Cooper-Young neighborhood. Locals will tell you that most Memphians would rather spend their monthly checks at Leahy's Trailer Park on Summer Ave. Leahy's offers a buffet, live bands, crap shooting out back, and dancing on most Friday nights. Ladies are $2.oo at the door. Ray Ray will sell you a sno-cone while impersonating a polar bear from his stand right outside the gates, for a solid quarter.
[edit] Transportation
Memphis leads the nation in streets and roads having multiple names. For example, in Midtown you can head north on Melrose and in less than two minutes, without making a turn, you have traveled on Kimbrough and McNeil Streets. The fact is that there are only eleven streets in Memphis but due to their multiple names, there appear to be over six hundred. This came about in the 1920's as a result of Mayor Presley getting federal funds for road building.
The federal government frequently uses Memphis as its training ground for workers of the interstate highway system. One can watch tax dollars being wisely spent by taking a fifteen minute drive around the Memphis interstates and observing these workers leaning on their shovels learning the lessons of freeway building. The Memphis freeways are seldom closed or impassible for more than an hour at a time.
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