Daryl Dipstick – Director of Strategic Policy & Research
Urgency Scale – Revised
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Recently, it has come to my attention that an excessively high number of employees are of the opinion that any requests they make are of an urgent nature. As a result, we are hereby phasing out “Low”, “Normal” and “High” due to lack of use, and designating “Urgent” as the new “Normal” forthwith. A revised urgency scale is described below.
'Very Urgent' – Requests at this level have been flagged by the sender as marginally more important than whatever needs you may have. Example: A need for the speedy provision of a coffee and doughnut to promote efficiency, positive mood and/or overall job satisfaction.
'Extremely Urgent' – Requests of this nature have been assessed to be potentially damaging to personal productivity or overall business operation should they be delayed. Example: An expedited requisition for nail clippers to address an irritating broken fingernail that is impairing the typing of critical documents.
'Super Urgent' – Requests at this level are those that have transcended personal and bureaucratic levels and threaten the operation of physical laws and the time/space continuum. Ignoring requests of this nature may result in an indeterminate delay of the sun rising tomorrow and/or or an increased likelihood of that thing occurring that you’ve been dreading and hoping wouldn’t happen (and trying really hard not to think about, hoping it goes away by itself).
'Excruciatingly Urgent' – Failure to respond immediately to requests at this level may result in painful, agonizing, and possibly life threatening consequences to the sender, including (but not limited to): heart attack, spontaneous combustion, or disintegration of the individual by a break-up of cells at the molecular level, and subsequent absorption of all their carbon and water elements through the building’s air treatment and humidity control subsystems. Any employees considering ignoring or excessively postponing requests of this nature are advised that they must possess current CPR and AED (Automated External Defibrillator) training and/or the address and phone number of a good shaman (or other spiritual authority). A minimum of one million dollars of personal liability insurance is also highly recommended.
This policy is to be considered standard practice forthwith, though a formal process to draft a definitive policy document will be scheduled within the next few days. Your input in this endeavour would be sincerely appreciated.