“Melton; it's the best place to have a hit of ketamine over breakfast.”
“When I last visited, my head was unfortunately mistaken for a punching bag.”
“When our train stops at Melton, we all hold the doors closed.”
Melton is Aboriginal for 'Land of Great Stench', though modern linguists suggest that M.E.L.T.O.N is actually an acronym for 'May Everyone Live Together On Narcotics'. This would explain the popularity of local businesses such as "Bogan's Breakfast Bong Bistro' and "The Green Cookie Cafe".
During the height of the Gold Rush Frenzy in 1862, a nomad named Nob De Santis, was on his way to the Ballarat Gold Fields on horseback, when his stallion ‘Palmerston‘, inexpicably veered off course and stopped in a desolate field.
As legend has it, the stallion led his owner right to a huge gleaming nugget. Believing he had struck gold, De Santis screamed out 'Eureka', leading to the mass settlement of countless scores of dim-witted hopefuls.
History has now shown us that the famed stallion had not actually led his owner to gold, but it was in fact a four kilogram pile of possum feces. But this matters not: If it were not for this inquisitive horse and a nugget of excrement, Melton would have most probably remained a barren paddock today.
It is for this reason that Meltonians honour Palmerston in the centre of town with a statue of it’s founder.
How to Avoid being Mistaken for a MeltonianEdit
- Don't procreate with bogans or relatives
- Don't 'do donuts' in hotted up utes or VB Commodores in the carpark of Woodgrove Shopping Centre
- Don't murder people for being handicapped
- Don't pack a hash pipe in your kid's school lunchbox
- Don't tuck silky tracksuit pants into your socks
- Don't have children when you are twelve
- Don't go to Rockbank Caravan Park for your holidays
- Don't ask for a mullet when you go for a haircut - "Business at the front, party at the back"
- Don't fall usleep under your LPG converted ute whilst smoking a spliff
Muggings and Arson are currently Meltonians' favorite activities, though others choose to indulge in more leisurely pass-times such as urinating in Melton Waves Hydro Pool, derailing the V-Line Bacchus Marsh Express train, sitting on BMX's in front of the former Tuckerbag Supermarket while spitting at the elderly, or performing a 'Melton Tapdance' - the act of rapidly kicking an ethnic minority resident in the head whilst they are laying on the ground.
Melton in the MediaEdit
Melton has gained publicity for the facebook group Reasons to Evacuate Melton - a committee which is campaigning for the demise of the town by forceful means. In a dossier leaked to the media, the group had claimed to be planning to 'slay bogans', to dig a moat around Melton to isolate it from civilisation, and coordinate the immediate evacuation of the town and incarceration of its residents.
More recently, the Mayor of Melton hit back at claims that his town was a bogan hub, in his interview in a local newspaper: Newspaper Link 1. Unfortunately, nobody agreed with his assertion, and he was promptly slammed by readers who swamped the publication with letters-to-the-editor in heated response:Newspaper Link 2.
Look up Melton on urbandictionary.com which provides a detailed definition of this inglorious swampland: Urban Dictionary defines Melton
Melton has been described by local tourism publicists as a 'Feast for the senses', and few could argue with this summation; the pungent aroma of booze and body odor blend exquisitely, the relentless and rhythmical thud/boom/crash sounds of locals punching-on at Mac's Hotel is like music to the ears, while the sight of crop-topped pregnant teens and lumber jacket/silky pants-wearing gents is an unrivalled eye-candy experience.
The landscape comprises of soggy barren fields, poo-coloured creeks and prickly pear plantations while the city centre is a bustling metropolis with spew-covered pavements, adorned with 'built-to-collapse' homes and establishments that mirror the quality of its residents.
The High Street is home to the Moccasin Factory, The one-stop 'Heavenly Hydroponics' store, Melton Twin Cinema (which has two black and white 15 inch TVs as screens), the famous weed-infesteted Skate Park and the un-missable 'Horse Monument' which honours our first settler of Melton in 1862 (see 'history').
Visitors are encouraged to contribute to the local economy by dining at the elegant Red-Spott Chicken Restaurant and splurging out on a Quarter Chicken and Chips Meal Deal, or by purchasing a gram of your drug of choice on the High Street (though for discounted deals, children on back streets including Barries Road offer 'special prices').
The 'Great Possum Shit Nugget' can also be viewed at the Melton Historic Centre located within the Shire Council Offices.
Other highlights include the exit route out of Melton and...bugger all else.
Why not go to 'Fumes Nightclub'? The Mail Ex-press Newspaper describes it as "an oasis for the sight and hearing impaired". It boasts randy, spotted teenagers out on the pull and willing to risk life and limb for a shag. Resident DJs crank out all the tunes from 'Red Hot Hits of '87' until the evening inevitably ends in a drunken brawl.
The general public are a mono-syllabic community who are paticularly talented with knives, guns and swords. If you ever approached one, it would definitely murder you. Wild dogs and feral locals alike, roam the streets and attack without warning, but can be pacified with offerings of a free can of beer or an adidas sock. Unemployment is at 89%, though a new tattooery named 'Show Us Your Tatts' is having it's Grand Opening in the new year and will be looking to hire three part-time staff (proficiency with needles essential).
Melton has served up its fair share of local celebrities over the years. Folks like mega loser 'Melton Bogan' (click blue link for his facebook profile) is considered a legend of the town (though he, and the multitudes of trashbags sharing his same gene-pool would most likely be arrested or sectioned if they ever left Melton).
For a snapshot of what the townsfolk are like, why not take a leisurely stroll down Melton High street on any given day? Be sure to hire a Ned Kelly helmet and be equipped with a sheild and taser though, as locals do not take kindly to outsiders or casual visitors (#note: the last recorded attempt by a non-resident to successfully enter Melton without armour and/or weaponry, and exit with all limbs in tact was recorded on 16th October 1972).
Housing remains a major concern in Melton. Those who do have shelter from the elements usually live in dwellings unfit for Hobbits. It is not uncommon for large mullet-headed families to shack up in garden sheds in the backyards of the 'wealthy' or in dilapidated, urinated-in former shops in Melton South, also known as The Ghetto.
The town is officially listed as "population unknown", though Density Analyists have suggested the figure is likely to be in the vicinity of 75,000-250,000 inhabitants. The reason for the difficulty in recording these figures, is due to a combination of reasons: Firstly, Meltonians cannot count beyond eight (the sum total of their fingers, toes and 'stubs'). Secondly, even if they could count, the Births, Deaths and Marriages Office was burnt to the ground 1983, after residents voted to set it alight to save time on collecting wood for the annual Djerriwarrh Bonfire Festival. Thirdly, and perhaps most significantly, the high rate of unreported murders and astronomical levels of unregistered births makes record keeping near impossible. In addition, the recent rise in 'bogan smuggling' from Rockbank, Braybrook and Frankston has seen population swell to incomprehensible proportions.
Meltonians remain blissfully unaware of their status and reputation beyond the boundaries of their Shire. A global laughing stock, the question needs to be posed: Can Melton continue to sustain itself, as more and more bogans give birth to baby bogans?
In summary, although experts are unsure about what lies ahead for Melton and it's unique breed of people, there is no disputing the one fact which is universally agreed: Melton remains anchored at the bottom of the heap as Australia's least desiralbe place to live or die.