Melbourne

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Melbourne, Victoria.

Melbourne - The City of Angels, the Windy City, the Jewel of the Nile - these are just a few of the euphemisms never used to describe Australia’s second most populous city.

Founded in 1835 by a group of convicts and Batman after they escaped from the penal colonies of Tasmania, Melbourne was originally built on the Yarra River. After the town was washed away by storm waters, city planners decided to move it to the land surrounding the river where it still exists to this very day. Thankfully, due to the efforts of the Historical Preservation Society, most of the pollution produced by the early city can still be found in the river.

A modern day metropolis situated at the southern end of Victoria, it is unique from other international cities in that it’s the only city built within the Melbourne Metropolitan area. It is mainly constructed out of hard things like concrete, steel and more concrete but there are some people who claim it’s built on rock and roll, however, their claims are quite dubious at best as music has very limited load bearing capabilities. It features the worlds largest tram network and rather interestingly, the lowest tram usage rate per capita in the world. A key tourism attraction and traditional Melbourne icon, trams have been operating for many, many decades, and in some cases, are still on their debut route.

The people of Melbourne are called Melbournians; however, local cultural sensitivities dictate that when referring to someone, you should use the individual’s specific name and not the more generic term.

Melbourne is proud of its thriving arts scene which manifests itself in the many art galleries and exhibitions dotted around the city, its unique post-modern public sculptures, and its thriving public arts scene. If you look closely enough, many of the local artisans can be spotted plying their trade (often at night) with a can of spray paint at various train station and public toilet walls around the city.

To say that Melbournians love their sport would be a gross understatement; it would also make sweeping generalizations about a large group of people, some of whom may not enjoy watching large groups of men play with their balls. They consider their city to be the ‘sports capital of the world’ and although this claim is highly boastful and difficult to verify, they can, at the very least, claim to live in the ‘sports capital of Victoria’.

Geography

Melbourne is located right down at the arse-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent so one must make do with hard drugs (it's the world's amphetamine capital), better known as euthanasia. If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.

Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town, known for its crafts industries, petrochemicals, engines and amphetamines, is best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle. Werribee, an outer suburb with pretensions to something or somewhere else ("werribee" is an Aborigninal expression meaning "where would you (rather) be?") is another lovely day trip, famous for its world class human waste treatment facilities, and that place all the poop goes. Coming soon to Werribee is a new theme park, with aims to attract tourists to the exiting arsehole of Melbourne. The whole city actually has its basements as well, which is for keeping all sport nuts from around the whole world.

Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place, not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, and remote South Australia if it has room for desert.

It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from Uranus in 5 years time, however, soon in Melbourne naked eyes nor naked anything else will be visible, thanks to Kevin Rudd's conservative views on nude art.

Climate

Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather and sport. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". And of course, if it doesn't change, you can always just paint your fingernails black and/or go join the emo scene. Or maybe you should go and have a look at its basements where all "Resident Evil" zombies are hidden. You can't tell if the zombies are emos or emos are zombies. They all looked pretty much the same!

EF4 tornado damage example

Melbourne, after a nice summer's day (with slight hurricane-force winds)

Cquote1 It's lol when it's 45 degrees one day then 2 weeks later it's 10 degrees, it deserves a rofl when it's almost winter and it was 18 degrees overnight"; the next day's maximum was a mere 10 degrees. The confusion is caused by a distinctive feature of the Melburnian dialect wherein "overnight" is used to mean "when the sun is shining", "winter" is used to mean "summer", "summer" is used to mean summer", "spring" is used to mean "fucking cold and fucking raining", and "autumn" is used to mean "very sunny but very fucking cold". Cquote2

A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 and 21 and 19 degrees." To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, and Springracingspring.

People from Sydney love to whinge gratuitously about how miserable and cold Melbourne is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Australians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in the city is. In particular, Melbourne's Flinders Street Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery despite the fact no one gives a damn. It snowed in Melbourne once... in the 1930's... for about 20 minutes. There were seven deaths.

There are no hurricanes in Melbourne, only tropical cyclones.

People

Melbourne is a giant rape orgy of culture, having a huge diversity of people of all type, race and texture. In this section we will divide these inhabitants into the several most common groups for the benefit of those who unfortunately stumble into Melbourne:

Melbourne images hipster

A Melbournite Hipster after a hard night out, or is that a homele- ...I don't know.

Indy-fags, Hipsters & Swaglets

In recent years these, mostly pre-teen, tards have infested the majority of Melbourne's suburbs and city, they are the 90% of Melbourne's pretentious, artsy, young douche bag population. It's difficult to tell these 'Hipsters' from the homeless and prostitutes of Melbourne's streets, in fact they are in practice one and the same. A typical Indy male wears mismatched bullshit, including 3D glasses with the 3D part pushed out, a fedora or for extra 'swag' points a snap-back, giant spacers, a shitty over-sized v-neck often worn with a scarf, football sweaters, and baby shit yellow chino pants with Vans shoes. While a typical Indy female usually wears nothing but occasionally is seen in denim underwear or cheap, crappy printed leggings, high heel sandals but more likely no shoes and over-sized see through shirts or lace tablecloths worn as shirts which are stolen from old wog women's houses.

Indies have successfully screwed the laws of physics by making individuality into a stereotype. This is something never seen before in human history. When Indies began to appear in Melbourne the entire scientific community had to rethink everything they have ever believed in, many joined the ranks of the Darkfags and committed suicide.

Indies are easy to identify because they are untamed beasts and look like post-apocalyptic waste dwellers. They can be seen at coffee shops updating their Facebook status or in gutters riding miniature plastic skateboards, listening to iPods, smoking cigarettes and drinking rainbow colored alcohols. Indies are extremely pretentious and vain. They believe they shit entire galaxies! Do NOT enter a conversation with an Indy because all they will tell you about is bands you've never heard of and all their 'swag'. Just tell them their galaxy pants looks like shit, to which they will respond in overly feminine voices "They aren't galaxy's they are NEBULAS!", then throw triangles in the opposite direction, Indies fucking LOVE triangles, then run away!!

Emo's, Goths and Darkfags

These foul creatures mainly inhabit the dark, moist crevices of Flinders st. station. Though they don't like to be confused with one another they are all samefag. You can tell these ghouls by their pasty complexion and often copious amounts of eye makeup, their cold-heart-black, putrid-mould-green or flaming-ass-red hair, their skinny jeans or gothic rave pants, and their general preference for black clothing. The fat ones hold up signs saying 'free hugs', note that this is a trap! It is actually an attempt to lure in tourists and devour them limb for limb!! If you are approached by fat demon-fag throw razorblades at it's feet and run like hell!!!!!!

Asians

Asians are the nice little guys of Melbourne. They are so short and cute! Asians provide multiple services to the community and also make great food. Asian children are brought up in a strict military regime by their parents and are beaten, shot at and water-boarded to train them to be the best academically. Asians are the most intelligent of people in Melbourne which makes no sense at all because they are in Melbourne. Asians are very clever and charismatic, talking to an Asian at a store will likely cause you to walk out only to find you have just purchased everything in the store. Be weary when dealing with Asians as they are so cute and small they might convince you to buy more than you really need to!

Yuppies, Businessmen and Suitfags

A large portion of the central part of Melbourne is populated by highly arrogant suit wearing, coffee sipping, soulless zombies in suits. These Yuppies usually live in the wealthy suburbs on the Sandringham train line, but congregate mostly in the city. Suitfags are at a glance completely harmless and unresponsive to any situation, you can literally take a shit in the middle of a tram while screaming curses at them and they will do and say nothing. But don't be fooled, these yuppies are moral-less money hungry demons and exist only to do paperwork for huge, evil capitalist organizations. Yuppies usually have 2 story houses and ratty spoiled children (Often Hipsters, Lads or Emos) and own giant four wheel drive SUV's that produce more pollution than the Fukushima plant and Chernobyl put together, even though they only drive them to the train station or to pick up the children, they incessantly purchase a new SUV every 2 years even if there was nothing wrong with the previous one and even though they don't actually need them and never even drive them off-road.

Melbourne images bogan

"FAK'N FOOTY MATE!!!"

Bogans, Yobboes and Rednecks

Bogans are white Caucasian Beer drinking, tattoo sporting, sweat smelling, footy watching red faced bastards that drive off-road 4 wheel drives or utes, preferably fords. They are found at the pubs of Melbourne. Bogans love sport. All they talk about is AFL and cricket even though they are too unhealthy from excessive cigarette and alcohol consumption to play either. Bogans are ultra patriotic to Australia and often stick Australian flags on everything just to remind everyone constantly where they are. Bogans can be seen wearing monster energy drink hats and cheap ass coloured reflective sunglasses from petrol stations, with shorts, blue singlets, flannelette shirts, blue jeans, work boots or sandals and preferably brands like Quicksilver, Billabong, Ripcurl and Roxy from Ozmosis and Jetty Surf. Do not approach a bogan if you are of different ethnic background other than white Australian or you will be told to go back to your country and bottled over the head, even if you were born and raised in Australia.

Wogs and Arabs

Wogs and Arabs are the tracksuit clad, fat, hairy, tanned, gold chain wearing part of the immigrant population of Australia. Wogs are of Southern/South Eastern European ancestry and Arabs are Arabs. Wogs and Arabs can be found in the mid to outer suburbs of Melbourne. They usually live in 1 to 2 story overly decorated suburban homes or mansions known as wog palaces and usually work at pizza, fish and chip and kebab shops. Young wogs play soccer and old wogs chase young wogs with shoes, wooden spoons and blenders. When communicating with wogs and arabs and they insist you eat their food you MUST eat their food. DO NOT resist eating their food or you will be attacked with kitchen tools.

Melbourne images muzzas

A Muzza and all his bros in a steroidized VL Commodore Walkinshaw, the holy grail of Muzza vehicles.

Muzzas

Muzzas are a subculture that once dominated the streets of Melbourne but has since been succeeded by Hipsters which are worse, however, there is still a small Muzza population in Melbourne. To more easily define a Muzza watch Fat Pizza first then read this. Basically, Muzzas are Uberized wogs, and some arabs, though not necessarily completely wog or arab, and in the rare case some are Asian, Indian (otherwise known as 'fully-sick-curries') or penguin. They drive fully sick souped up VL Turbos, Skylines, Lancers and WRX's with sound systems twice the price of the car blasting out hardstyle, rnb, trance and hip-hop.

Muzzas prefer sport clothing and designer brands, like Adidas, Chanel, Champion, Dolce and Gabbana, Puma, Mossimo, and just about anything from Footlocker or Rebel Sport. You can easily identify a muzza by it's spiked up hair and mullet, often with blonde tips or patches, or a trucker or commando hat tilted back as far as possible, the Muzza will probably be wearing a tracksuit, fluro or sport brand hoodie, vomit print shirt or fluro/sports singlet, designer jeans or track pants, high tops or sneakers and a bumbag full of stolen phones. Muzzas LOVE fluro, it's said that Muzza's worship the god of highlighter textas. Female Muzzas are known as Marias and are usually big haired wog girls that think they are princesses. They spend all their time playing with their phones and talking to their girlfriends about boys.

Muzzas are known for doing burnouts at McDonalds car parks and hanging around Chapel street every Friday night overdosing on echies when they aren't at the gym, punching on with bogans or working for their uncle Spiro at the pizza shop. Muzzas are extremely arrogant and fiercely patriotic of their ancestry. Do not look at a Muzza funny no matter how retarded they look especially if you are of white Australian origin or they will shout "ZOMG WOT R U LOOKING AT BR0!? Do u wanna fight re? I'll smash u i swear to GOD I'M MASSIV!" and them and their 30 friends will chase you out of the Westfield shopping center and steal your phone and wallet then sell it to their cousin Mohammad. Luckily though, the Melbourne Muzza culture mostly dissolved by the start of the 2010's into either Lads or Hipsters... Which are both worse...

Melbourne images eshay

The cancer that is killing Melbourne's suburbs.

Lads, Eshays and Junkies

The worst of all beings that reside in Melbourne. These scumbags, ranging from any age between 8 to 30, are the drug abusing amateur criminal try-hard population of Melbourne. The stereotype actually started in Sydney but for some reason stupid kids in Melbourne thought it would be cool to copy so now the city is even more dero. They hang around at train stations usually in the eastern suburbs (unusually the well off side of Melbourne) day and night smoking bongs, drinking goon, robbing and stabbing old people and doing graffiti on everything with shitty scribbled tags. The common lad sports (all stolen off small children or bought by their parents) Nike short shorts or track pants, Nike TN runners, Nautica or Ralph Lauren polo shirts under generic sport brand hoodies or cheap puffy jackets and Nike Dri-Fit hats covering the very top of their untamed or shaved pimply, drug abuser looking heads.

Lads are usually on heroine and so are easily beaten off by the average person, but for small children and the elderly, lads pose a threat. Lads are also almost ALWAYS in groups to make up for the fact their arms are thinner than a stick insects penis and they usually wield knives but have no idea what so ever how to use them. Still, you should avoid fighting lads unless you have to for these reasons, but if you do fight them be sure to do the rest of Melbourne a favor and put those scumbags in hospital!

The King of the Lads is Kerser, a white suburbanite 'rapper' and self confessed druggo. He believes he is the 'sickest' and apparently has a horrible stutter.

Indians a.k.a Curries

The bus and taxi driver community of Melbourne, these Turban-kitted lords of transport are what keeps the veins of Melbourne running never on time. It's said that underneath their turbans they keep small animals and a secret map of every backstreet and shortcut in Melbourne so they know what to avoid so that you pay the largest taxi fare. Be careful if you are a young female as Indians have a strange perversion for young teenaged girls.

Sudanese

The Sudanese are the gangsters of Melbourne. They are found around Sunshine and Dandenong and are straight out of Compton, out on the streets, and ready to put down some beats. The Sudanese are a relatively new wave of immigrants to Australia, making them fresh on the block. They be rockin the freshest and flyest of shit ya heard? If y'all don't want no ma'fukin' problems don't be clownin' or these niggers will bust yo ass!

FOBS

Standing for 'Fresh Off the Boat', fobs are pacific islanders who inhabit mostly the outer suburbs of Melbourne. They're choice ez brew!

Education

Melbourne images ted

Ted Baillieu cares about the future.

In recent times captain tight-ass a.k.a Ted Baillieu, King polifag of Victoria has seen it fit to cut funding for TAFEs (Institutes where high-school dropouts go to learn skills and actually become productive members of society). This has caused no uproar at all because Australians are derpy goats who don't care about anything except beer, cigarettes and watching X-Factor. In Australia, business jobs have been outsourced to India and China because corporations like to pay workers as low salaries as possible, manufacturing is also done in China, even agriculture is also mostly overseas. This leaves jobs in local services and trades (Which is learned at TAFE) one of the only feasible options for young Victorians and the workforce in general. Ted Baillieu had a wonderful idea to help support Victoria by slashing TAFE funding. This in turn caused some TAFEs to close up and forced TAFEs to shut down courses. Making education in Melbourne amongst the shittest world.

Tourism

Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season

Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).

However there is a free city circle tram, which is overcrowded with Bogans which are Australia's most famous and iconic animal so you can get a real feel of Australian wildlife. In fact Melbourne's outer suburbs are heavily populated by these unpredictably dangerous creatures. Indeed, all suburbs are except around Brighton and to a lesser extent, other areas south of the Yarra, where there are concentrations of the Two Faced Wanker, a vicious creature known for its greed and its sudden ability to sink its razor sharp claws into turned backs. It should not be confused with the normally harmless Common Wanker. On weekends the bogans rush into the city centre for a fighting and mating frenzy. They are not particular. Also to be seen and (unfortunately) heard is the Tosser. This creature is known for its irritating "Big Note" calls, its most effective form of self defence. They are migratory in nature and breed in Sydney, but in recent times many colonies of these creatures have been sighted breeding in the metropolitan area, a result of global warming, and are considered a threat to the local ecological balance of humour. Habitual self preeners, they are stunned into silence by their own reflection, kiss the air and each other with loud "mwah" sounds and punctuate their calls with frequent, Skippy like "tsk" sounds and attracted by all things new and shiny. These obnoxious ferals are best avoided. Much less commonly seen in recent years is the charming native, the Dag, which has been placed on the endangered species list as rapidly multiplying foreign species have greatly disturbed its habitat. The much loved indigenous species Blokes and Shielas have sadly been been declared extinct, wiped out by recent rampant breeding of introduced foreign pests like Guys, and their close relatives, Cool Dudes.

The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt." (vomits) "Gi's fiddy cen.", a reference to a Rap Singer. Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.

There is also a cafe in Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous east have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD.

But the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear. And the funnier thing is, nobody's really sure what a drop bear IS because those who have seen them have been eaten and the few who have escaped are too traumatised to make sense.

The city of Melbourne needed a landmark to compete with Gundagai's Dog On The Tuckerbox. They wanted something big and something that looked like a bad 80's game console. So in 2002 they hired Michio Kaku who designed The Sega Master System II. Within weeks it was finished. Michio was applauded by 34 people, 3,999990 were at the footy and the other 9 were at a friends birthday party at the Tote in Collingwood. Michio said "I wanted to make the building the same colour as the Melbourne sky so I made it grey". The 34 people that were there nodded their heads then caught the 86 tram to Smith Street. It is now used for a meeting place and street theatre.

Local Laws

In Melbourne, Australia it is the law for men to wear either a suit or sporting gear, anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border (uninhabited).

Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melbournian ever in history.

If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 storey tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. THe symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.

Everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in: football (Aussie rules), cricket, basketball, netball, soccer, gridiron (yep, only they give a crap about that!), tennis, car racing, horse racing, greyhound racing, rat racing... and every other sport thinkable! Any tourist that tries to understand AFL is simply told, "Really, it's not that hard!", which basically means, "Yell at the umpires and drink lots of beer. Also, swear as loudly as possible whenever your beloved team does something you don't like." For any tourists that CONTINUE talking about AFL, it's best to not berate the team your Melburnian friends goes for, no matter how much they laugh at it - only they have that privilege.

Prostitution in Melbourne is legal so long as it takes place in the confines of brothels. However, if the place is called Oriental Blossoms, chances are that you will get Oriental prunes. They might be skanky, but they ain't cheap either. You'll be lucky to get a quicky for $200 (and that's with a discount because at that price, the ladies are toothless). For a good value blow job come see old Helga, the toothless charm over on Grey St in St Kilda. She will give you a whole hour of herpefied, toothless fun for a knockdown price of $30. She's had over 30 years experience charming snakes from all over Melbourne at anytime, day, noon or night!

The Dark Side of Melbourne

At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.

The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle (A game of Aussie rules, whatever code is up to you) and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preparation.

But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station. Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a shitload of garlic. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.

It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.

The dark side of Melbourne is also where children fleeing from New Zealand end up, although some do end up in the south eastern suburbs. The most notorious of these is Hamish Blake, a cellist and "comedian". World famous arsehole Gordon Ramsay reigns supreme in this war-ravaged part of Australia.

Also, please note that violence has increased in Melbourne's centre by up to OVER 9000%, and will plan to increase the rate more by opening up new places for hyperdrinking, such as the new beer barn in Docklands that can only hold up to 1500 people. Beer can either come up in "Asian penis-sized" cup or in 5 litre kegs, but hurry, as the Gillard government has plans on increasing the alcohol price up to $100.00, which then can have a devastating effect on Melbourne, since most of the people can't survive without alcohol.

"We can have commercialism too!"

Seeing that Sydney ( ahaha.. Sydney..) had become the mecca of faux trendy coffee shops and cancerous fried dough treat depositories, Melbourne has seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (Another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 7-Eleven[1] and other human convertion and conversation centres throughout the cityscape. Desperate to get one up on Sydney or at least appear as cool and trendy, Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne. Not much has changed. Recently, a new Costco store opened in Docklands, making most of the bogans much worse than the trailer trash of America.

The plan backfired slightly though because like every city in Australia the coffee tasted like crap (and still is), but at least now you can buy it in a "double-soy-decafe-triple story-grand-viente-supreme-maximus-15-gallon-8-litre-American-style with a twist of lemon and three sweeteners" or in a "Asian-penis-sized" paper cup. The fact is that most barristas in Melbourne don't even know what they're doing; if you order a coffee, chances are that they don't even clean the espresso machine and the coffee tastes rancid like somebody took a shot of goon and swirled it in a dirty ashtry before stiring it into your beverage!

If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts" will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.

Melbourne is heavily populated with Architects. Rednecks from Sydney and Queensland commonly complain that they feel like the only non-Architect in the street when in Melbourne. Ergo, these Architects contribute one of the other strange Melbourneisms which is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware = They are more awesome than you.

While in Melbourne, make sure you mingle with the intelligentsia. Start with reading the highly acclaimed Herald Sun, an intellectually profound newspaper fit for any man of letters. Written by world renowned journalists of the highest intellectual calibre, the Herald Sun has been cultivating the minds of a new generation of philosophes since 1990. For any young scholar aspiring to be a 21st century Voltaire, do take heed: the Herald Sun has been preparing Melbourne to be the birthplace for a present day Renaissance in the making!

Transport

Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the world. Often cited as one of the city's main tourist attractions, despite the fact that it is of no interest to anyone. The tram network is frequently discussed as a method of reducing carbon emissions through greater use of public transport. This fails to take into account less than 7% of journeys are by tram. In addition to this Melbourne also offers some normal trains that run on tracks. They can usually be caught from Flinder's Street Station when you aren't being mugged.

The primary mode of transport in Melbourne is the VL Commodore. 98% of Melbourians own or have owned a VL Commodore at some stage in their lives. It is commonly seen as a rite of passage to own a turbocharged example with a large dose pipe or blow-off valve. It is expected that you perform a "sick" burnout (usually with one wheel) at least every 100 metres. Failure to do so will likely attract attention from the VicRoads & lessen chances of attracting females.

BurnoutVL

A morning commuter on the way to work in an amphetamine powered car.

Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles: "Toorak Tractors". These and other four wheel drives are needed to get over the suspension smashing, differential scraping, brake wearing, petrol wasting "saftey speed humps" built by councils designed to kill ambulance patients. Try to avoid being hit by one of the unreasonably large Ford Territories so popular on Melbourne streets. Try to avoid being hit by the teenager driving the Plastic Toy Hyundai Excel with lots of stickers, a fat exhaust pipe and a "sick subwoofa, mate". Try to avoid being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her Camry down the footpath on the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try to avoid getting hit by a taxi driven by a foreigner who paid an official back in their home country for a driver's licence so he can drive a taxi in Melbourne with vast local knowledge (two weeks) in a way that would make Michael Schumacher wet himself.

Most people have discovered during their travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Metro' written on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 5 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. They also have a habit of leaving the tracks and following you home, so if you are walking home from the shops and see a 6 carriage train behind you hiding behind trees and bushes it might be best to call the police and they will have it destroyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don't even think about travelling on them because their trains are shit! A trait of a true Melburnian is to ask them about Connex. If they go "meh", they're obviously from NSW and should be eaten.

The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)

References

  1. There are about 50,000 7-Elevens in Melbourne
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