Melbourne

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“Melbourne is Beautiful one day, shit-house the rest”

~ Melbourbians

“What is WITH this weather??”

~ Tourists in Melbourne

“I'LL PUNCH YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT YOU MONGREL!”

~ Drunk Muzza on Melbourne

NOTE: This article about Melbourne is written from a Sydneysider's point of view. PS: The article has been modified so as not to intimidate Sydneysiders.

Goth and Emo world headquarters, Melbourne

Melbourne (Melbornum sportis) is a city in Australia, Melbourne positions itself as the sport, fashion and intellectual epicentre of Australia and then flies in the face of conventional norms by hosting some of the most ignorant and worst dressed citizens in the entire universe, with the exception of Brisbane. Melbourne was invented in 1835 by Batman himself, who bargained with the local Aboriginal leaders and bought all the land in the area, in exchange for three blankets, the Joker, the Penguin, a Batmobile, and a broken iPod. Melbourne is often known as AC/DCburg outside of Australia, regardless of the fact they have nothing to do with Melbourne, apart from filming a film clip there. Melbourne is the capital city of Greater Greece (Victoria, Greece and Asia Minor.)

At first a small pastoral settlement, the city boomed when prospectors discovered some chicken nuggets in central Victoria. This triggered a chicken rush, as thousands of hopeful miners descended on the chickenfields from all over the world, hoping for some taste of those secret herbs and spices. Melbourne became one of the largest and wealthiest cities in the world, and was nicknamed Finger Lickin' Good Melbourne.

Batman, after realising he'd just founded Melbourne

Melbourne was the biggest city in Australia for the next 40 years, the site of the nation's Parliament for 27 years because the capital, Canberra consisted of little but trees and dirt, and Australia's most important city for 110 years. It even hosted the Olympics first! Then in the 1970s Melbourne got bent over by Sydney. Nobody can understand why, but that bastard Howard probably had something to do with it. But Melbourne is still the best-est!!!

Today, Melbourne is regarded as Australia's cultural, sporting and emo capital. In contrast to its showoff, right-wing cousin to the east-northeast, Melbourne lacks any world-famous landmarks and feels unloved, hence the need for a large sport industry. The Shannon Noll classic, What About Me, saw its greatest success in insecure Melbourne as most Melburnians assumed the song was proposed as the city anthem. On the plus side, the city does have trams, and it also enjoys low crime rates due to the continuing presence of Batman. Or it could possibly be because of the perpetual football matches, in which the majority of "suss" people of Melbourne are gainfully (and we use this word loosely) employed in something other than petty theft and anal rape, which is what instinct normally drives them to. This is why Melbourne is the most fabulous and liveable city in the world, except during the non-football season, during which decent folk seal up their houses and play endless monopoly, praying that someone won't kick a footy into their petunias.

The city was known as Kirnergrad, until the slow collapse of the Unions' Republic of Victoria between 1989 and 1992, and reverted back to Melbourne after the 1992 coup lead by Jeff Kennett.

[edit] Family System

First IT WAS ALL TIM

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Melbourne, Victoria.

The Melbourne system of family, is indeed unique in Australia. All families consist of a brother from another mother, one selection of a single mother or father, and John So as your brother.

It is a little known fact to those outside of Melbourne, but if you live in the city, John So is in fact still, your bro. He's my bro. And your bro. He's everyone's bro, and there are t-shirts to prove it. The appointment of an Asian Mayor proves the extent of Melbourne's multiculturalism once and for all, and also provides fodder for racists, as if they were running out of things to complain about.

[edit] Geography

Melbourne is located right down at the arse-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent so one must make do with hard drugs (it's the world's amphetamine capital), better known as euthanasia. If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.

Situated around a bay of some sort, this city is blessed with an abundance of natural beauty - enough to fill Michael Jackson's left nostril (the one that is in formaldehyde in his surgeon's office). It even boasts a yummy shit-brown chocolate river just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Do try it! It didn't kill Jackie Chan, so it HAS to be safe.

Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town, known for its crafts industries, petrochemicals, engines and amphetamines, is best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle. Werribee, an outer suburb with pretensions to something or somewhere else ("werribee" is an Aborigninal expression meaning "where would you (rather) be?") is another lovely day trip, famous for its world class human waste treatment facilities, and that place all the poop goes. Coming soon to Werribee is a new theme park, with aims to attract tourists to the exiting arsehole of Melbourne. The whole city actually has its basements as well, which is for keeping all sport nuts from around the whole world.

Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place, not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, if it has room for dessert.

Future Victims

Red Deer
Werribee
Melton
Geelong
The whole Peninsula of Mornington
Florida - has already started to take hold
The whole Southern Hemisphere of the Planet
It's got its eye on Paris, too

It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from Uranus in 5 years time, however, soon in Melbourne naked eyes nor naked anything else will be visible, thanks to Kevin Rudd's conservative views on nude art.

[edit] Chip on the Shoulder

Residents of Melbourne are balanced people as they have a chip on both shoulders when it comes to Sydney. They can't get over that the world just adores Sydney more (or that the world doesn't know about Melbourne - it knows about the Sydney Opera House, and that's about it). The straw that broke the camel's back was Finding Nemo, that was originally featured Melbourne as the finishing place, but as nobody knew what the hell the Arts Centre looked like ("Why is Nemo in Paris??") it was quickly edited to Sydney after a few days in the US.

Since they can't beat the evil world love affair with Sydney, Melbournians are well known for consoling themselves by picking on all the other Australians, notably Adelaideans and anyone from Tasmania - basically any city or state with a population less than 4 million.

[edit] Climate

Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather and sport. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". And of course, if it doesn't change, you can always just paint your fingernails black and/or go join the emo scene. Or maybe you should go and have a look at its basements where all "Resident Evil" zombies are hidden. You can't tell if the zombies are emos or emos are zombies. They all looked pretty much the same!

Melbourne, after a nice summer's day (with slight hurricane-force winds)

"It's lol when it's 45 degrees one day then 2 weeks later it's 10 degrees, it deserves a rofl when it's almost winter and it was 18 degrees overnight"; the next day's maximum was a mere 10 degrees. The confusion is caused by a distinctive feature of the Melburnian dialect wherein "overnight" is used to mean "when the sun is shining", "winter" is used to mean "summer", "summer" is used to mean summer", "spring" is used to mean "fucking cold and fucking raining", and "autumn" is used to mean "very sunny but very fucking cold".

A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 and 21 and 19 degrees." To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, and Springracingspring.

People from Sydney love to whinge gratuitously about how miserable and cold Melbourne is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Australians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in the city is. In particular, Melbourne's Flinders Street Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery despite the fact no one gives a damn. It snowed in Melbourne once... in the 1930's... for about 20 minutes. There were seven deaths.

There are no hurricanes in Melbourne, only tropical cyclones.

[edit] Tourism

Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season

Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).

However there is a free city circle tram, which is overcrowded with Bogans which are Australia's most famous and iconic animal so you can get a real feel of Australian wildlife. In fact Melbourne's outer suburbs are heavily populated by these unpredictably dangerous creatures. Indeed, all suburbs are except around Brighton and to a lesser extent, other areas south of the Yarra, where there are concentrations of the Two Faced Wanker, a vicious creature known for its greed and its sudden ability to sink its razor sharp claws into turned backs. It should not be confused with the normally harmless Common Wanker. On weekends the bogans rush into the city centre for a fighting and mating frenzy. They are not particular. Also to be seen and (unfortunately) heard is the Tosser. This creature is known for its irritating "Big Note" calls, its most effective form of self defence. They are migratory in nature and breed in Sydney, but in recent times many colonies of these creatures have been sighted breeding in the metropolitan area, a result of global warming, and are considered a threat to the local ecological balance of humour. Habitual self preeners, they are stunned into silence by their own reflection, kiss the air and each other with loud "mwah" sounds and punctuate their calls with frequent, Skippy like "tsk" sounds and attracted by all things new and shiny. These obnoxious ferals are best avoided. Much less commonly seen in recent years is the charming native, the Dag, which has been placed on the endangered species list as rapidly multiplying foreign species have greatly disturbed its habitat. The much loved indigenous species Blokes and Shielas have sadly been been declared extinct, wiped out by recent rampant breeding of introduced foreign pests like Guys, and their close relatives, Cool Dudes.

The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt." (vomits) "Gi's fiddy cen.", a reference to a Rap Singer. Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.

There is also a cafe in Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous east have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD.

But the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear. And the funnier thing is, nobody's really sure what a drop bear IS because those who have seen them have been eaten and the few who have escaped are too traumatised to make sense.

[edit] Local Laws

In Melbourne, Australia it is the law for men to wear either a suit or sporting gear, anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border (uninhabited).

Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melbournian ever in history.

If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 storey tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. THe symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.

Everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in: football (AFL), cricket, basketball, netball, soccer, gridiron (yep, only they give a crap about that!), tennis, car racing, horse racing, greyhound racing, rat racing... and every other sport thinkable! Any tourist that tries to understand AFL is simply told, "Really, it's not that hard!", which basically means, "Yell at the umpires and drink lots of beer. Also, swear as loudly as possible whenever your beloved team does something you don't like." For any tourists that CONTINUE talking about AFL, it's best to not berate the team your Melburnian friends goes for, no matter how much they laugh at it - only they have that privilege.

[edit] The Dark Side of Melbourne

At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.

The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle (A game of AFL, whatever code is up to you) and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preparation.

But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station . Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a shitload of garlic. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.

It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.

The dark side of Melbourne is also where children fleeing from New Zealand end up, although some do end up in the south eastern suburbs. The most notorious of these is Hamish Blake, a cellist and "comedian". World famous arsehole Gordon Ramsay reigns supreme in this war-ravaged part of Australia.

Also, please note that violence has increased in Melbourne's centre by up to OVER 9000%, and will plan to increase the rate more by opening up new places for hyperdrinking, such as the new beer barn in Docklands that can only hold up to 1500 people. Beer can either come up in "Asian penis-sized" cup or in 5 litre kegs, but hurry, as the Rudd government has plans on increasing the alcohol price up to $100.00, which then can have a devastating effect on Melbourne, since most of the people can't survive without alcohol.

[edit] "We can have commercialism too!"

Seeing that Sydney ( ahaha.. Sydney..) had become the mecca of faux trendy coffee shops and cancerous fried dough treat depositories, Melbourne has seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (Another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 7-Eleven^[1] and other human convertion and conversation centres throughout the cityscape. Desperate to get one up on Sydney or at least appear as cool and trendy, Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne. Not much has changed. Recently, a new Costco store opened in Docklands, making most of the bogans much worse than the trailer trash of America.

The plan backfired slightly though because like every city in Australia the coffee tasted like crap (and still is), but at least now you can buy it in a "double-soy-decafe-triple story-grand-viente-supreme-maximus-15-gallon-8-litre-American-style with a twist of lemon and three sweeteners" or in a "Asian-penis-sized" paper cup. If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts" will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.

Melbourne is heavily populated with Architects. Rednecks from Sydney and Queensland commonly complain that they feel like the only non-Architect in the street when in Melbourne. Ergo, these Architects contribute one of the other strange Melbourneisms which is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware = They are more awesome than you.

[edit] Things to do in Melbourne

Get an undergraduate degree at Melbourne University
Do the Melbourne Shuffle (see: Epilepsy or Bboy BT)
Get abused by Yobbos
Be killed (if your last name is Moran)
Attempt to perform a hook turn
Laugh at Carl Williams
Develop a paranoia of speed cameras
Visit the Caribbean Gardens and buy some 'legal' software
Be attacked by some local Australian wildlife
Waste your money by buying a ticket for public transport
Risk your virginity on the Werribee train line
Purchase said ticket and apologize for any inconvenience caused
Leave before you develop an incurable case of depression
Thank god you don't live in Brisbane.
Watch shit like "Today Tonight"
Rip some 'fully sik free demoz' up and down Chapel Street and any McDonalds carpark. Preferably the one in Chapel Street.
Go have muck up day at Xavier College
Watch Melbourne Demons lose another AFL game at the MCG
Dress in black... because it's the new black!
Turn left at any and every occasion that you need to turn right at an intersection.
Find Hurstbridge
Hate Connex
Hate Borders
Hate Connex some more
Laugh at the MacRob's crappy building
Jam the train doors open to hold up the train, because they're always late anyway so whats the bloody difference.
Throw your daughter off the West Gate Bridge
Train or tram surf home. It's free and the view is way better
Swindle money out of Asian tourists at Queen Vic Market
Sit on Flinders St Station steps and stop people from passing.
Take at least 100 trams (to travel a 5 kilometre distance)
Admire the vandalism(graffiti) until your property gets inevitably vandalized
Wear something your frumpy nanna would wear and go to Borders Melbourne Central for a cappuccino.
Sign up for SMSs of late/canceled services from Connex (Inbox will be filled within two minutes)
Get screwed over by connex.
Get screwed over by connext some more...
Find a dead body in the Yarra River
Stare down a Yobbo who is yelling intelligent dialect at you such as, "Come on, I'll Go Ya, You Cunt"
Give $5 to a home-less guy and tell him to move back to Sydney
say "You go girl friend" to a gay guy
Walk around in a mad rush like your trying to get somewhere important
Grease off a bunch of Asians !
Visit Sunny South Frankston and walk along the 'family friendly' beach.
Laugh at Emos
Try not to get knifed at Dandenong station
Knife someone at Dandenong Station
Take a stroll down St. Kilda beach and step on a syringe.
Try locating a Melbourne beach that isn't polluted with all kinds of shit.
Catch a fish to eat in the Yarra river and win an instant night in hospital
Drink water from the Yarra river and win an instant night at the morgue
Go clubbing on a Friday/Saturday night and also win an instand night at the morgue
Grow frustrated hearing wogs dropping burnouts and skidding around corners in there cars, and not leaving you with the satisfaction of hearing them collide into a tree.
Try to figure out what "Hey, you dumb cunt Skippy-poofta" means
Visit Luna Park and be amazed at the worlds only roller coaster in a major city that has no fucking loops.
play spot the wogs in there lowered down, hotted up Commodores with tinted windows and shitty techno music blasting inside it. (average score is 23)
Dress up like an emo and hang outside Swanston Street McDonald's with all the other emo kids
Beat up a bouncer
beat up a taxi driver
beat up a Indian
beat up a Indian Taxi driver after you beat up a bouncer
Get Beaten up by a bouncer
Spot the wog in a shit car that's not worth as much as the stereo system he is letting everyone hear
Spot the non Asian over 8 year old in video game arcades
Wonder who the fuck designed that place outside of Flinders St Station.
Wonder why Melbourne's tallest building isn't in New York to measure King Kong's height.
Be suckered into buying Aboriginal art for 10 times what a bit of paint on wood with dots on it is worth.
Kick the buskers off a bridge for playing such a unique but annoying instrument.
Be annoyed you wanted to try authentic Australian food, but can only find places that ask if you want fries with that? just like back home.
Piss off a taxi driver at Melbourne airport by getting in one and asking them to take you to the Hilton.
try to find a milkbar where they speak fluent english

[edit] Transport

Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the world. Often cited as one of the city's main tourist attractions, despite the fact that it is of no interest to anyone. The tram network is frequently discussed as a method of reducing carbon emissions through greater use of public transport. This fails to take into account less than 7% of journeys are by tram. In addition to this Melbourne also offers some normal trains that run on tracks. They can usually be caught from Flinder's Street Station when you aren't being mugged.

The primary mode of transport in Melbourne is the VL Commodore. 98% of Melbourian's own or have owned a VL Commodore at some stage in their lives. It is commonly seen as a rite of passage to own a turbocharged example with a large dose pipe or blow-off valve. It is expected that you perform a "sick" burnout (usually with one wheel) at least every 100 metres. Failure to do so will likely attract attention from the VicRoads & lessen chances of attracting females.

A morning commuter on the way to work in an amphetamine powered car.

Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles: "Toorak Tractors". These and other four wheel drives are needed to get over the suspension smashing, differential scraping, brake and fuel burning "speed humps" built by local councils so as to double the rate of pollution and kill ambulance patients before they become a nuisance at the local emergency ward - which gave rise to the Melbournian expression "Dead On Arrival" for all successful outcomes. Try to avoid being hit by one of the unreasonably large Ford Terrortories so popular on Melbourne streets. Try to avoid being hit by the teenager driving the Plastic Toy Toyota with lots of stickers, a fat exhaust pipe and a "sick subwoofa, mate". Try to avoid being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her Camry down the footpath on the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try to avoid getting hit by a taxi driven by someone who paid an official back in their country of origin a fee to back date his licence five years (who is going to check?) so he can drive a taxi in Melbourne with vast local knowledge (two weeks to a month) stops in the exact centre of the road, speeds or swerves in an exciting manner to cut off other taxis from picking up passengers and then get lost driving them, invariably the long way, or forgets to clear his meter of the previous job, making these new style cabbies the beloved of cab owners and smash repair shops and so stimulating the economy. Since 2000 the taxi industry has been revolutionized. Cab licenses can now be purchased over the counter at the major taxi companies. Discriminatory ideas such as knowledge, safety and service have been outlawed. Post-modern business school attributes like ignorance, bad or non existent English, a foreign (not local) driving history, a kind willingness to take those who fall asleep "for a ride" so they can get some decent rest, and a predisposition to accuse those who are angered of "racism" are pre-requisites for those intending to join the overflowing ranks of Melbourne's New Style cabbies. To maintain these new standards the Victorian government will keep issuing taxi licences until the last recalcitrant Old Style drivers are forced to become New Style or leave. This has contributed immensely to the understanding of Australians as to the cultural norms of the new drivers' country of origin and this must be a good thing: for in this free country the laws say this is so and I cannot say otherwise and so it must be true. An interesting facet of the taxi industry is its utility in laundering money from Melbourne's underworld since ownership deregulation in the late 1980s; and so the taxi licence plate values have become a means by which the public judges the health of the criminal economy and Batman's declining effectiveness.

Most people have discovered during their travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Connex' written on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 5 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. They also have a habit of leaving the tracks and following you home, so if you are walking home from the shops and see a 6 carriage train behind you hiding behind trees and bushes it might be best to call the police and they will have it destroyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don't even think about travelling on them because their trains are shit! A trait of a true Melburnian is to ask them about Connex. If they go "meh", they're obviously from NSW and should be eaten.

The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)

[edit] Famous Revolutionaries

It is a little-known fact that the former Liberal Premier of Victoria, the Dame Dark Lord Jeff Kennett, was actually a genetic hybrid between Josef Stalin and Sauron. His attempt to make public transport run to schedule failed after the Labor Hobbits led by the former ruler Steve (I'll look into it) Bracks, wielding his mighty +4 hand mirror of Whitlam, redirected his precious CityLink toll-way to the toxic waste dump being constructed in the middle of the state's farming region.

The Kennett era in the former Union's Republic of Victoria saw the rise of ethnic tensions between factions of the former republic, and resulted in the 1993 to 1996 invasion and siege of Dandenong by neighbouring Frankston, and saw the Frankston militia ethnically cleanse Mt. Eliza and Berwick of ethnic bogan minorities. Following intervention by peacekeepers from Gippsland and Mornington Peninsula, this lead to the formation of the autonomous region of City of Greater Dandenong within Victoria.

Former AFL superstar and part-time prime minister Harold Holt was captured and eaten by Mexican Revolutionaries who eventually got their name on a tin of biscuits in 1985. It is not yet known if Harold Holt has reached such heights, although there is a pool in the Southern suburbs of Melbourne after which Harold Holt himself was named. Spokespersons for the pool were unavailable for comment at time of printing.

[edit] Recent Events

Al Qaeda's proposal for the next big architectural statement in Melbourne

Very recently some crazy Yank posing as a terrorist said that Melbourne will be the next target of Paris Hilton wannabes. Unfortunately, he said "Mel-Bo-Ror-Ni", so nobody took any notice until the little arsehole chihuahuas came flooding in. In reaction to this most Australians have requested to know the exact time and place of this attack so it can be televised, preferably at a time appropriate for family viewing and with enough notice to make enough popcorn to go around. There was a large debate between Melbourne and Sydney about which city was the `bestest` to be blown up; Bracks still has `dibbsies` on Melbourne.

Steve Bracks, Ex Dear Leader of Victoria announced a grand and extravagant tax-payer funded party in order to celebrate Melbourne's status as 'World's Most Bone-able City'. He then made this relevant statement; "The Bracks government governs for all Victorians, whether they be, witches, sorcerers, Goths, magicians, scene kids, socialists, bogans, Marios or Fitzroy supporters. The Bracks government does not, however, govern for wannabe Victorians who want to move to Queensland. Victoria - love it or leave it."

[edit] Steve Bracks' Death

The lovable and huggable Leader of the sport/architectural capital of the world died last month in the "unnecessary" Bolty Bridge Collapse of 2007. The cause of this collapse was due to the Gremlins that were angry at Steve for stealing their Beer. The decision to build the strange-looking and unnecessary towers that span the Bolty Bridge (one of Melbourne's most-purple architectural wonders (and the Eighth Wonder of the Modern World) was a much debated decision. In the end, it was decided to build it, despite the unnecessariness of the project. However, last month, after being struck by a giant emu (though some say it was an emo) which had flown off course on its way to the North pole. The towers that served absolutely no purpose (except to be purple, reflecting their admiration for the blazers of Wesley students) toppled over themselves ten times before landing on the head of beloved leader Steve Bracks. He was the only casualty in this incident.

His sudden demise was mourned deeply by the people until he was replaced by former Pirate John Brumby, the CEO of Brumby's bakery and breeder of wild horses (especially silver ones) ^[2]. File:Example.jpg

[edit] References

↑ There are about 50,000 7-Elevens in Melbourne
↑ The Silver Brumby was a very popular play written by famous Australian poet Banjo Paterson and later adapted into the movie The Silver Brumby, a 1936 smash starring Clark Gable, Fred Astaire and The Wizard of Oz (before his biographical tragedy - a movie named after him). The Silver Brumby is also the name of a prestigious Melbournian-invented sandwich.) Mmm...sandwich.