Melbourne
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Melbourne is Beautiful one day, shit-house the rest”
“What is WITH this weather??”
“For god's sake, shut up about the f*****g weather!!”
Melbourne (Melbornum sportis) is a city in Australia, Melbourne positions itself as the sport, fashion and intellectual epicentre of Australia and then flies in the face of conventional norms by hosting some of the most ignorant and worst dressed citizens in the entire universe, with the exception of Brisbane. Melbourne is located in Mexico and also the arse opening of Australia. Melbourne was invented in 1835 by Batman himself, who bargained with the local Aboriginal leaders and bought all the land in the area, in exchange for three blankets, a ginger, the Joker, the Penguin, a Batmobile, and a broken iPod. Melbourne is often known as AC/DCburg outside of Australia, regardless of the fact they have nothing to do with Melbourne, apart from filming a film clip there. Melbourne is the capital city of Greater Greece (Victoria, Greece and Asia Minor.)
At first a small pastoral settlement, the city boomed when prospectors discovered some chicken nuggets in central Victoria. This triggered a chicken rush, as thousands of hopeful miners descended on the chicken fields from all over the world, hoping for some taste of those secret herbs and spices. Melbourne became one of the largest and wealthiest cities in the world, and was nicknamed Finger Lickin' Good Melbourne.
Melbourne was the biggest city in Australia for the next 40 years, the site of the nation's Parliament for 27 years because the capital, Canberra consisted of little but trees and dirt, and Australia's most important city for 110 years. It even hosted the Olympics first! Nobody can understand why, but that bastard Howard probably had something to do with it. Melburnians inherently feel the need for self-validation, whilst claiming that Sydneysiders are, in fact, the biggest braggarts. In an independent study carried out by the Northern Territory, this assumption has been disproved. In the same study, scientists confirmed that Melburnians are indeed over-compensating for their city which consists of less than ten streets, embarrassed that the rest of the world just doesn't care about them.
Today, Melbourne is regarded as Australia's cultural, sporting and emo capital. In contrast to its showoff, right-wing cousin to the east-northeast, Melbourne lacks any world-famous landmarks and feels unloved, hence the need for a large sport industry. The Shannon Noll classic, What About Me, saw its greatest success in insecure Melbourne as most Melburnians assumed the song was proposed as the city anthem. On the plus side, the city does have trams, and it also enjoys low crime rates due to the continuing presence of Batman. Or it could possibly be because of the perpetual football matches, in which the majority of "suss" people of Melbourne are gainfully (and we use this word loosely) employed in something other than petty theft and anal rape, which is what instinct normally drives them to. This is why Melbourne is the most fabulous and liveable city in the world, except during the non-football season, during which decent folk seal up their houses and play endless monopoly, praying that someone won't kick a footy into their petunias.
The city was known as Kirnergrad, until the slow collapse of the Unions' Republic of Victoria between 1989 and 1992, and reverted back to Melbourne after the 1992 coup lead by Jeff Kennett.
Contents |
[edit] Family System
The Melbourne system of family, is indeed unique in Australia. All families consist of a brother from another mother, one selection of a single mother or father, and John So as your brother.
It is a little known fact to those outside of Melbourne, but if you live in the city, John So is in fact still, your bro. He's my bro. And your bro. He's everyone's bro, and there are t-shirts to prove it. The appointment of an Asian Mayor proves the extent of Melbourne's multiculturalism once and for all, and also provides fodder for racists, as if they were running out of things to complain about.
[edit] Geography
Melbourne is located right down at the arse-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent so one must make do with hard drugs (it's the world's amphetamine capital), better known as euthanasia. If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.
Situated around a bay of some sort, this city is blessed with the fat ass people from biggest loser. It even boasts a yummy shit-brown chocolate river just like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Do try it! It didn't kill Jackie Chan, so it HAS to be safe.
Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town, known for its crafts industries, petrochemicals, engines and amphetamines, is best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle. Werribee, an outer suburb with pretensions to something or somewhere else ("werribee" is an Aborigninal expression meaning "where would you (rather) be?") is another lovely day trip, famous for its world class human waste treatment facilities, and that place all the poop goes. Coming soon to Werribee is a new theme park, with aims to attract tourists to the exiting arsehole of Melbourne. The whole city actually has its basements as well, which is for keeping all sport nuts from around the whole world.
Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place, not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, if it has room for dessert.
It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from Uranus in 5 years time, however, soon in Melbourne naked eyes nor naked anything else will be visible, thanks to Kevin Rudd's conservative views on nude art.
[edit] Chip on the Shoulder
Residents of Melbourne are balanced people as they have a chip on both shoulders when it comes to Sydney. They can't get over that the world just adores Sydney more (or that the world doesn't know about Melbourne - it knows about the Sydney Opera House, and that's about it). The straw that broke the camel's back was Finding Nemo, that originally featured Melbourne as the finishing place, but as nobody knew what the hell the Arts Centre looked like ("Why is Nemo in Paris??") it was quickly edited to Sydney after a few days in the US.
Since they can't beat the evil world love affair with Sydney, Melbournians are well known for consoling themselves by picking on all the other Australians, notably Adelaideans and anyone from Tasmania - basically any city or state with a population less than 4 million.
They especially enjoy picking on Adelaide, because they feel that the other states don't do it enough(becuase everyone is too busy laughing at people who immigrate from Tasmania who have to have their second head surgically removed). This is because Melbourne has small person syndrome, as even though Melbourne is bigger, their only notable achiement is the brewing of Victoria Bitter, a unique blend of feline menstrual liquid and grass clippings. This makes them envious of Adelaide, as not only is Adelaide the home of Farmers Union Iced Coffee, a liquid brewed from coffee beans and liquid gold, but they also brew Coopers beer, which unlike Victoria Bitter has never resulted in the breakdown of all major internal organs as they are eaten away by acid within 30 seconds of consumption.
[edit] Climate
Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather and sport. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". And of course, if it doesn't change, you can always just paint your fingernails black and/or go join the emo scene. Or maybe you should go and have a look at its basements where all "Resident Evil" zombies are hidden. You can't tell if the zombies are emos or emos are zombies. They all looked pretty much the same!
"It's lol when it's 45 degrees one day then 2 weeks later it's 10 degrees, it deserves a rofl when it's almost winter and it was 18 degrees overnight"; the next day's maximum was a mere 10 degrees. The confusion is caused by a distinctive feature of the Melburnian dialect wherein "overnight" is used to mean "when the sun is shining", "winter" is used to mean "summer", "summer" is used to mean summer", "spring" is used to mean "fucking cold and fucking raining", and "autumn" is used to mean "very sunny but very fucking cold".
A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 and 21 and 19 degrees." To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, and Springracingspring.
People from Sydney love to whinge gratuitously about how miserable and cold Melbourne is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Australians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in the city is. In particular, Melbourne's Flinders Street Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery despite the fact no one gives a damn. It snowed in Melbourne once... in the 1930's... for about 20 minutes. There were seven deaths.
There are no hurricanes in Melbourne, only tropical cyclones.
[edit] Tourism
- Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season
Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).
However there is a free city circle tram, which is overcrowded with Bogans which are Australia's most famous and iconic animal so you can get a real feel of Australian wildlife. In fact Melbourne's outer suburbs are heavily populated by these unpredictably dangerous creatures. Indeed, all suburbs are except around Brighton and to a lesser extent, other areas south of the Yarra, where there are concentrations of the Two Faced Wanker, a vicious creature known for its greed and its sudden ability to sink its razor sharp claws into turned backs. It should not be confused with the normally harmless Common Wanker. On weekends the bogans rush into the city centre for a fighting and mating frenzy. They are not particular. Also to be seen and (unfortunately) heard is the Tosser. This creature is known for its irritating "Big Note" calls, its most effective form of self defence. They are migratory in nature and breed in Sydney, but in recent times many colonies of these creatures have been sighted breeding in the metropolitan area, a result of global warming, and are considered a threat to the local ecological balance of humour. Habitual self preeners, they are stunned into silence by their own reflection, kiss the air and each other with loud "mwah" sounds and punctuate their calls with frequent, Skippy like "tsk" sounds and attracted by all things new and shiny. These obnoxious ferals are best avoided. Much less commonly seen in recent years is the charming native, the Dag, which has been placed on the endangered species list as rapidly multiplying foreign species have greatly disturbed its habitat. The much loved indigenous species Blokes and Shielas have sadly been been declared extinct, wiped out by recent rampant breeding of introduced foreign pests like Guys, and their close relatives, Cool Dudes.
The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt." (vomits) "Gi's fiddy cen.", a reference to a Rap Singer. Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.
There is also a cafe in Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous east have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD.
But the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear. And the funnier thing is, nobody's really sure what a drop bear IS because those who have seen them have been eaten and the few who have escaped are too traumatised to make sense.
[edit] Local Laws
In Melbourne, Australia it is the law for men to wear either a suit or sporting gear, anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border (uninhabited).
Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melbournian ever in history.
If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 storey tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. THe symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.
Everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in: football (AFL), cricket, basketball, netball, soccer, gridiron (yep, only they give a crap about that!), tennis, car racing, horse racing, greyhound racing, rat racing... and every other sport thinkable! Any tourist that tries to understand AFL is simply told, "Really, it's not that hard!", which basically means, "Yell at the umpires and drink lots of beer. Also, swear as loudly as possible whenever your beloved team does something you don't like." For any tourists that CONTINUE talking about AFL, it's best to not berate the team your Melburnian friends goes for, no matter how much they laugh at it - only they have that privilege.
[edit] The Dark Side of Melbourne
At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.
The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle (A game of AFL, whatever code is up to you) and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preparation.
But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station . Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a shitload of garlic. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.
It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.
The dark side of Melbourne is also where children fleeing from New Zealand end up, although some do end up in the south eastern suburbs. The most notorious of these is Hamish Blake, a cellist and "comedian". World famous arsehole Gordon Ramsay reigns supreme in this war-ravaged part of Australia.
Also, please note that violence has increased in Melbourne's centre by up to OVER 9000%, and will plan to increase the rate more by opening up new places for hyperdrinking, such as the new beer barn in Docklands that can only hold up to 1500 people. Beer can either come up in "Asian penis-sized" cup or in 5 litre kegs, but hurry, as the Rudd government has plans on increasing the alcohol price up to $100.00, which then can have a devastating effect on Melbourne, since most of the people can't survive without alcohol.
[edit] "We can have commercialism too!"
Seeing that Sydney ( ahaha.. Sydney..) had become the mecca of faux trendy coffee shops and cancerous fried dough treat depositories, Melbourne has seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (Another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 7-Eleven[1] and other human convertion and conversation centres throughout the cityscape. Desperate to get one up on Sydney or at least appear as cool and trendy, Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne. Not much has changed. Recently, a new Costco store opened in Docklands, making most of the bogans much worse than the trailer trash of America.
The plan backfired slightly though because like every city in Australia the coffee tasted like crap (and still is), but at least now you can buy it in a "double-soy-decafe-triple story-grand-viente-supreme-maximus-15-gallon-8-litre-American-style with a twist of lemon and three sweeteners" or in a "Asian-penis-sized" paper cup. If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts" will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.
Melbourne is heavily populated with Architects. Rednecks from Sydney and Queensland commonly complain that they feel like the only non-Architect in the street when in Melbourne. Ergo, these Architects contribute one of the other strange Melbourneisms which is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware = They are more awesome than you.
[edit] Transport
Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the world. Often cited as one of the city's main tourist attractions, despite the fact that it is of no interest to anyone. The tram network is frequently discussed as a method of reducing carbon emissions through greater use of public transport. This fails to take into account less than 7% of journeys are by tram. In addition to this Melbourne also offers some normal trains that run on tracks. They can usually be caught from Flinder's Street Station when you aren't being mugged.
The primary mode of transport in Melbourne is the VL Commodore. 98% of Melbourians own or have owned a VL Commodore at some stage in their lives. It is commonly seen as a rite of passage to own a turbocharged example with a large dose pipe or blow-off valve. It is expected that you perform a "sick" burnout (usually with one wheel) at least every 100 metres. Failure to do so will likely attract attention from the VicRoads & lessen chances of attracting females.
Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles: "Toorak Tractors". These and other four wheel drives are needed to get over the suspension smashing, differential scraping, brake wearing, petrol wasting "saftey speed humps" built by councils designed to kill ambulance patients. Try to avoid being hit by one of the unreasonably large Ford Terrortories so popular on Melbourne streets. Try to avoid being hit by the teenager driving the Plastic Toy Toyota with lots of stickers, a fat exhaust pipe and a "sick subwoofa, mate". Try to avoid being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her Camry down the footpath on the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try to avoid getting hit by a taxi driven by a foreigner who paid an official back in their home country for a driver's licence so he can drive a taxi in Melbourne with vast local knowledge (two weeks) in a way that would make Michael Schumacher wet himself.
Most people have discovered during their travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Metro' written on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 5 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. They also have a habit of leaving the tracks and following you home, so if you are walking home from the shops and see a 6 carriage train behind you hiding behind trees and bushes it might be best to call the police and they will have it destroyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don't even think about travelling on them because their trains are shit! A trait of a true Melburnian is to ask them about Connex. If they go "meh", they're obviously from NSW and should be eaten.
The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)
[edit] Education
“The termite problem at Scotch has been overexaggerated”
The termites are yet to comment.
Other schools and their attractions include:
- Caulfield Grammar - Jews
- Xavier College - See the effects of steroids when used on children from birth. You will be jumped on by students high on pot then get pushed down a hill in a wheelie-bin. Or if you're lucky, have your house damaged upon by being Toilet Papered on, graffitied on, etc. You will also be forced to steal ski gear.
- Wesley College - The Elite of Melbourne. Which they clearly aren't. did we pention their school uniform's purple. If you do want to have a good laugh, go to Chapel Street at 4:00 on a weekday. But only if you want to die in the process. *Please note the Elsterwick Campus, which was big on anal rape and drugs*
- Camberwell Grammar - Cunts
- Geelong College - Country rednecks trying to keep up with the Ivy League of Victorian Private Schools. Fights are regularly held on the oval and recorded and posted on Youtube, just cause "we can and shit"
- Ivanhoe Grammar School - A school trying to convince everyone it's the best school in Australia by using fancy fonts, clever marketing and new tennis courts. Also whose principal is renowned for being the only human being able to sustain a speech longer than one's lifetime.
- Salesian College - A place with reasonably high fees that can't afford to supply tissues to their students. Its principal is in the running for the "slowest speech pattern" of the year
- Haileybury College - we will steal your children, coz we're rich like that and want to make sure you know it.
- Briar Hill Primary School - An elite school in Melbourne's north-east suburbs.... (never heard of it)
- Penleigh and Essendon Grammar School (PEGS) - Can't decide where in Melbourne to be located, so it spreads itself over a 100km radius (so large, even Bendigo was part of that school).
- Scotch College - That crappy school with racist gays that are all TOOLS and only go their coz of their daddy's bank account and Scotch's reputation. Of raising well known TOOLS!
- St. Kevin's College - Known for having the second most fruity blazers after Wesley. Claim they are good at sports when they clearly aren't. Also where students and parents of students will take any opportunity to mention the Toorak location of the school, failing to mention the fantastic views over a large grey freeway encroaching closer to the school and it one day taking over.
- Geelong Grammar - "Daddy, I want a pony."
- Ballarat Grammar - Where bogans dress up to watch boat races and pretend they're better than the westies.
- Assumption College - Where apartheid still exists between boarders and non-boarders, conflict continues. A Bunch of slack jawed yobos portrayed as private school kids.
- Ivanhoe Girl's Grammar - Sl*ts.
- Trinity Grammar - A bunch of partycrashers with SWINE FLU and a jumping castle for muck-up day.
- Carey Grammar - Proof that fairies exist.
- Toorak College - The biggest gathering of Oompa Loompa wannabes since tryouts for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: The Musical. Also known to have topless girls running around the school at 2am in the morning.
- Melbourne High School - All-male school with a unicorn as a logo. 'Nuff said.
- MacRobertson Girls High School - A dog pound aka the nerd school full of asians and indians
- Methodist Ladies College - A collection of all of Melbourne's skankiest girls, hell bent on winning sport. Sleep around with every private Kew-located school. Not the best at applying fake tan. However, the girls do serve their purpose.
- Mill Park Secondary College [Junior Campus] - OMMMGGGGGGGGGGG FACEBOOK!!!1!, we should totally go Westies or Northies brah!
- Mill Park Secondary College [Senior Campus] - A warring college with it's Junior Campus.
- Thomastown Secondary College - A school trying to convince everyone that not one bogan goes there.
- St. Monicas College - What seems to be an All-male school because the butch girls that are there are probably just as hot as the guys.
- St. Francis Xavier College - you have a greater chance of Antarctica winning the world cup than they do of winning a single match
- Tintern Girls Grammar School - the school forever trying to decide who they are since the invasion of the new principal Jenny Collins (formerly from MLC) who's vocabulary consists of the one word "cohort" who insists on turning them into an Anglican version of MLC. (definition: cohort - group of ready soldiers, spawning group of fish etc.)
- Star of the Sea College - Known as one of the most feral private school in Melbourne. Contains every type of teenage girl under the sun: orange ones, straaaange ones, emo ones, nerdy ones etc et
- The Acadamy - Itty bitty teeny weeny school stuck somewhere in the city. Home of the infamous 'Only Year 7s Have To Wear It' Scrubs.
- Woodleigh School - A school independent of thought
- Aitken College - A farm school hole of a place. Subjects consisting of milking cows, collecting eggs and shearing sheep. Only farmers who attend farm school have actually heard of this school.
- Christian Brothers College - the less known, the better.
- Presbyterian Ladies College - the nerds of Melbourne... aka 200% asian
- Fintona Girl's College - Usually have trouble keeping up with everyone else in swimming competitions.
- Presentation College Windsor - Usually the only people that go here have been expelled from everywhere else.
- Preshil: Where all the rich stoner kids go.
- Brighton Secondary College - Drug epicentre of bayside without BSC no one at any private school can aquire narcotics as there too pussy to go to a rat hole. Wanna Be private school
- St Aloysius College - a wide variety. literally.
- Donvale Christian College - Send your kids there if ya want them to be socially retarded when they leave. Half the girls don't know what sex is and the other half know all too well.
- Matthew Flinders Girls Secondary College - A public, all girls school in the heart of Geelong. A leading geelong institution, teaching courses such as slutiness, skankiness and bitchiness. Holds regular fieldtrips to surrounded Geelong suburbs to 'fundraise' for school fees, aka sell sex and drugs to Corio scum.
- Sacred Heart College - A more exclusive, snobbier version of Matthew Flinders Sceondary College. Of course, the down side to the school is that although every student believes they are Daddy's rich little princess, many eventually suffer the reality of the fact that outside of Geelong College, you can be stabbed easily. And the set of the comedy show Scrubs
- Peninsula School - Stuck up wanna be millionaires team
- Thornbury High School - The Runts Of Melbourne, why isn't anyone listing to us!
- University High School - A public school in the central suburb of Parkville. 100% Asian, 25% African, 12% Indian and 29% Assorted (including Caucasians), the school prides itself on its so called "multiculturalism". Poaches teachers from private schools in an attempt to become one. Spends more money on building projects than it can afford, and so requires parents to sign into mortgage agreements.
- Ave Maria College - slut school for the "maria's"
- Brighton Grammar - Where the pedophiles go to teach("we teach/touch boys", is their slogan)
Please remember that most of the students from these schools will in fact stab you, for the simple fact that they are Melbournians. If ever you are unfortunate enough to see one, run immediately in the opposite direction, hijack the nearest tram and run them over. It's that simple.
[edit] Famous Revolutionaries
It is a little-known fact that the former Liberal Premier of Victoria, the Dame Dark Lord Jeff Kennett, was actually a genetic hybrid between Josef Stalin and Sauron. His attempt to make public transport run to schedule failed after the Labor Hobbits led by the former ruler Steve (I'll look into it) Bracks, wielding his mighty +4 hand mirror of Whitlam, redirected his precious CityLink toll-way to the toxic waste dump being constructed in the middle of the state's farming region.
The Kennett era in the former Union's Republic of Victoria saw the rise of ethnic tensions between factions of the former republic, and resulted in the 1993 to 1996 invasion and siege of Dandenong by neighbouring Frankston, and saw the Frankston militia ethnically cleanse Mt. Eliza and Berwick of ethnic bogan minorities. Following intervention by peacekeepers from Gippsland and Mornington Peninsula, this lead to the formation of the autonomous region of City of Greater Dandenong within Victoria.
Former AFL superstar and part-time prime minister Harold Holt was captured and eaten by Mexican Revolutionaries who eventually got their name on a tin of biscuits in 1985. It is not yet known if Harold Holt has reached such heights, although there is a pool in the Southern suburbs of Melbourne after which Harold Holt himself was named. Spokespersons for the pool were unavailable for comment at time of printing.
[edit] Recent Events
Very recently some crazy Yank posing as a terrorist said that Melbourne will be the next target of Paris Hilton wannabes. Unfortunately, he said "Mel-Bo-Ror-Ni", so nobody took any notice until the little arsehole chihuahuas came flooding in. In reaction to this most Australians have requested to know the exact time and place of this attack so it can be televised, preferably at a time appropriate for family viewing and with enough notice to make enough popcorn to go around. There was a large debate between Melbourne and Sydney about which city was the `bestest` to be blown up; Bracks still has `dibbsies` on Melbourne.
Steve Bracks, Ex Dear Leader of Victoria announced a grand and extravagant tax-payer funded party in order to celebrate Melbourne's status as 'World's Most Bone-able City'. He then made this relevant statement; "The Bracks government governs for all Victorians, whether they be, witches, sorcerers, Goths, magicians, scene kids, socialists, bogans, Marios or Fitzroy supporters. The Bracks government does not, however, govern for wannabe Victorians who want to move to Queensland. Victoria - love it or leave it."
For two long, horrible, years, Melbournians on the East Side were plagued with the raping of the Monash Freeway (M1) which cause traffic jams to occur. Many conspirists believe this to have been part of the Victorian Government's plan to reduce speeding and increase revenue. This made it extremely inconvenient to get to Chaddy and anywhere else.
Despite the raping of the Monash Freeway, she has now got her vagina back and her juices can flow again now with 4 lanes most of the way. Unfortunately the cunstables patrol this pathway and continue to restrict the speed at which the juices can flow, even though its a really smooth ride and very safe parth.
[edit] Steve Bracks' Death
The lovable and huggable Leader of the sport/architectural capital of the world died last month in the "unnecessary" Bolty Bridge Collapse of 2007. The cause of this collapse was due to the Gremlins that were angry at Steve for stealing their Beer. The decision to build the strange-looking and unnecessary towers that span the Bolty Bridge (one of Melbourne's most-purple architectural wonders (and the Eighth Wonder of the Modern World) was a much debated decision. In the end, it was decided to build it, despite the unnecessariness of the project. However, last month, after being struck by a giant emu (though some say it was an emo) which had flown off course on its way to the North pole. The towers that served absolutely no purpose (except to be purple, reflecting their admiration for the blazers of Wesley College students) toppled over themselves ten times before landing on the head of beloved leader Steve Bracks. He was the only casualty in this incident.
His sudden demise was mourned deeply by the people until he was replaced by former Pirate John Brumby, the CEO of Brumby's bakery and breeder of wild horses (especially silver ones) [2].
[edit] Federation Square
The city of Melbourne needed a landmark to compete with Gundagai's Dog On The Tuckerbox. They wanted something big and something that looked like a bad 80's game console. So in 2002 they hired Michio Kaku who designed The Sega Master System II. Within weeks it was finished. Michio was applauded by 34 people, 3,999990 were at the footy and the other 9 were at a friends birthday party at the Tote in Collingwood. Michio said "I wanted to make the building the same colour as the Melbourne sky so I made it grey". The 34 people that were there nodded their heads then caught the 86 tram to Smith Street. It is now used for a meeting place and street theatre.
[edit] References
- ↑ There are about 50,000 7-Elevens in Melbourne
- ↑ The Silver Brumby was a very popular play written by famous Australian poet Banjo Paterson and later adapted into the movie The Silver Brumby, a 1936 smash starring Clark Gable, Fred Astaire and The Wizard of Oz (before his biographical tragedy - a movie named after him). The Silver Brumby is also the name of a prestigious Melbournian-invented sandwich.) Mmm...sandwich.
