Melbourne
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Melbourne - The City of Angels, the Windy City, the Jewel of the Nile - these are just a few of the euphemisms never used to describe Australia’s second most populous city.
Founded in 1835 by a group of convicts after they escaped from the penal colonies of Tasmania, Melbourne was originally built on the Yarra River. After the town was washed away by storm waters, city planners decided to move it to the land surrounding the river where it still exists to this very day. Thankfully, due to the efforts of the Historical Preservation Society, most of the pollution produced by the early city can still be found in the river.
A modern day metropolis situated at the southern end of Victoria, it is unique from other international cities in that it’s the only city built within the Melbourne Metropolitan area. It is mainly constructed out of hard things like concrete, steel and more concrete but there are some people who claim it’s built on rock and roll, however, their claims are quite dubious at best as music has very limited load bearing capabilities. It features the worlds largest tram network and rather interestingly, the lowest tram usage rate per capita in the world. A key tourism attraction and traditional Melbourne icon, trams have been operating for many, many decades, and in some cases, are still on their debut route.
The people of Melbourne are called Melbournians; however, local cultural sensitivities dictate that when referring to someone, you should use the individual’s specific name and not the more generic term.
Melbourne is proud of its thriving arts scene which manifests itself in the many art galleries and exhibitions dotted around the city, its unique post-modern public sculptures, and its thriving public arts scene. If you look closely enough, many of the local artisans can be spotted plying their trade (often at night) with a can of spray paint at various train station and public toilet walls around the city.
To say that Melbournians love their sport would be a gross understatement; it would also make sweeping generalizations about a large group of people, some of whom may not enjoy watching large groups of men play with their balls. They consider their city to be the ‘sports capital of the world’ and although this claim is highly boastful and difficult to verify, they can, at the very least, claim to live in the ‘sports capital of Victoria’.
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edit Geography
Melbourne is located right down at the arse-end of the world. It's at least a 24-hour flight from anywhere half-decent so one must make do with hard drugs (it's the world's amphetamine capital), better known as euthanasia. If you pass the international date line on the way here, you arrive at an earlier time than you left, and also collect $200.
Melbourne is located 75km from Geelong, a lovely rustic town, known for its crafts industries, petrochemicals, engines and amphetamines, is best viewed at high speed in a bullet proof vehicle. Werribee, an outer suburb with pretensions to something or somewhere else ("werribee" is an Aborigninal expression meaning "where would you (rather) be?") is another lovely day trip, famous for its world class human waste treatment facilities, and that place all the poop goes. Coming soon to Werribee is a new theme park, with aims to attract tourists to the exiting arsehole of Melbourne. The whole city actually has its basements as well, which is for keeping all sport nuts from around the whole world.
Melbourne is so big it takes a huge effort to get out of the bloody place, not even the government can reduce urban sprawl, the city will soon eat Victoria and perhaps Tasmania, and remote South Australia if it has room for desert.
It is thought that Melbourne will be visible by the naked eye from Uranus in 5 years time, however, soon in Melbourne naked eyes nor naked anything else will be visible, thanks to Kevin Rudd's conservative views on nude art.
edit Climate
Unlike the rest of the world, which has four seasons in a year, Melbourne has four seasons in one day. In fact Crowded House (who New Zealanders bleat and whinge about being from New Zealand, when in actual fact they were founded in Melbourne) even wrote a song about it. Melburnians are extremely proud of this, and will never shut up about it, causing Melburnians to be rated as "the most boring [but world-class] conversationalists on earth" for their compulsive obsessiveness when it comes to talking about the weather and sport. Melburnians also have a clever phrase "if you don't like the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes and it will change!". And of course, if it doesn't change, you can always just paint your fingernails black and/or go join the emo scene. Or maybe you should go and have a look at its basements where all "Resident Evil" zombies are hidden. You can't tell if the zombies are emos or emos are zombies. They all looked pretty much the same!
| It's lol when it's 45 degrees one day then 2 weeks later it's 10 degrees, it deserves a rofl when it's almost winter and it was 18 degrees overnight"; the next day's maximum was a mere 10 degrees. The confusion is caused by a distinctive feature of the Melburnian dialect wherein "overnight" is used to mean "when the sun is shining", "winter" is used to mean "summer", "summer" is used to mean summer", "spring" is used to mean "fucking cold and fucking raining", and "autumn" is used to mean "very sunny but very fucking cold". | 
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A typical weather report in Melbourne sounds like "Morning spring, possible winters clearing followed by brief patches of summer and a partly autumn afternoon. A top of 13 and 21 and 19 degrees." To distinguish them from these pretend seasons, the 'real' seasons of the year are therefore known to locals as Tennisummer, Grandprixautumn, Footywinter, and Springracingspring.
People from Sydney love to whinge gratuitously about how miserable and cold Melbourne is, which may surprise and confuse the American tourist (that they all kill with angry koalas) who visits the city in what one half of the planet knows as "summer", when, on any particular day it might be 38 degrees Celsius and hellishly bright and sunny in Melbourne, or if you happen to come from Iceland. Notwithstanding the unbearable heat, you will still hear Australians all around you complaining about how cold and miserable the weather in the city is. In particular, Melbourne's Flinders Street Goths, of which there are a countless number, are extremely proud of Melbourne's alleged coldness and climatological misery despite the fact no one gives a damn. It snowed in Melbourne once... in the 1930's... for about 20 minutes. There were seven deaths.
There are no hurricanes in Melbourne, only tropical cyclones.
edit Tourism
- Be wary of Australian Wildlife! Pay attention to travel warnings and defer nonessential travel during dropbear season
Ooh, trams. Meh. I wouldn't bother, if I were you. The only thing to see is the Yarra River, famed for being the only river where 'The bottom flows on the top'. (The word 'bottom', of course, refers to the fact that the river contains 40 times the lethal dose of human and animal faeces. Drinking the water is known to cause nearly every disease imaginable...bad breath).
However there is a free city circle tram, which is overcrowded with Bogans which are Australia's most famous and iconic animal so you can get a real feel of Australian wildlife. In fact Melbourne's outer suburbs are heavily populated by these unpredictably dangerous creatures. Indeed, all suburbs are except around Brighton and to a lesser extent, other areas south of the Yarra, where there are concentrations of the Two Faced Wanker, a vicious creature known for its greed and its sudden ability to sink its razor sharp claws into turned backs. It should not be confused with the normally harmless Common Wanker. On weekends the bogans rush into the city centre for a fighting and mating frenzy. They are not particular. Also to be seen and (unfortunately) heard is the Tosser. This creature is known for its irritating "Big Note" calls, its most effective form of self defence. They are migratory in nature and breed in Sydney, but in recent times many colonies of these creatures have been sighted breeding in the metropolitan area, a result of global warming, and are considered a threat to the local ecological balance of humour. Habitual self preeners, they are stunned into silence by their own reflection, kiss the air and each other with loud "mwah" sounds and punctuate their calls with frequent, Skippy like "tsk" sounds and attracted by all things new and shiny. These obnoxious ferals are best avoided. Much less commonly seen in recent years is the charming native, the Dag, which has been placed on the endangered species list as rapidly multiplying foreign species have greatly disturbed its habitat. The much loved indigenous species Blokes and Shielas have sadly been been declared extinct, wiped out by recent rampant breeding of introduced foreign pests like Guys, and their close relatives, Cool Dudes.
The heroin-paved streets of Fitzroy are also popular for the famous local greeting of "Fuggin', ya fuggin', fuck ... FUCK. Shit. Fuckin, fuggin, fuggit. Cunt." (vomits) "Gi's fiddy cen.", a reference to a Rap Singer. Oh, and apparently there are some good goth clubs there. We know this because every Australian goth insists on telling you if you talk to them for more than thirty seconds. I suppose you could try talking to them for less than thirty seconds, though; or better yet not at all.
There is also a cafe in Box Hill where tourists can enjoy a coffee and cake while watching 17 drop bears compete for supremacy. Unfortunately drop bears compete for supremacy by seeing who can eat the most tourists. surely it is only a matter of time before Darth Howard makes this cafe an illegal immigrant and throws it in Woomera Detention Centre. But until then, the tourists and locals in Melbourne's fantabolous east have 17 drop mad drop bears to fear. And they'll do it. Trust me I've seen it, all innocent, then WHAM!!! You're DEAD.
But the funniest thing in the world is seeing someone who is not you getting mauled by a drop bear. And the funnier thing is, nobody's really sure what a drop bear IS because those who have seen them have been eaten and the few who have escaped are too traumatised to make sense.
The city of Melbourne needed a landmark to compete with Gundagai's Dog On The Tuckerbox. They wanted something big and something that looked like a bad 80's game console. So in 2002 they hired Michio Kaku who designed The Sega Master System II. Within weeks it was finished. Michio was applauded by 34 people, 3,999990 were at the footy and the other 9 were at a friends birthday party at the Tote in Collingwood. Michio said "I wanted to make the building the same colour as the Melbourne sky so I made it grey". The 34 people that were there nodded their heads then caught the 86 tram to Smith Street. It is now used for a meeting place and street theatre.
edit Local Laws
In Melbourne, Australia it is the law for men to wear either a suit or sporting gear, anyone that doesn't like sport is banished to the Albury/Wodonga Border (uninhabited).
Also, it is illegal to hunt the native wild centipedes without special permission from the Cheese Council, which is controlled by John So who is probably the most amazingly super awesome Melbournian ever in history.
If you are enjoying a stroll in Richmond, it is custom to salute the 70 storey tall statue of the Kintiser twelve times, then kiss a football or eat dirt maggot. Never wait for the little green man, just cross the road whenever the hell you want. THe symphony of car horns that follow are actually praise for your bravery and to-hell-with-everyone-else attitude.
Everyone in Melbourne must support all sports that Melbourne takes part in: football (Aussie rules), cricket, basketball, netball, soccer, gridiron (yep, only they give a crap about that!), tennis, car racing, horse racing, greyhound racing, rat racing... and every other sport thinkable! Any tourist that tries to understand AFL is simply told, "Really, it's not that hard!", which basically means, "Yell at the umpires and drink lots of beer. Also, swear as loudly as possible whenever your beloved team does something you don't like." For any tourists that CONTINUE talking about AFL, it's best to not berate the team your Melburnian friends goes for, no matter how much they laugh at it - only they have that privilege.
Prostitution in Melbourne is legal so long as it takes place in the confines of brothels. However, if the place is called Oriental Blossoms, chances are that you will get Oriental prunes. They might be skanky, but they ain't cheap either. You'll be lucky to get a quicky for $200 (and that's with a discount because at that price, the ladies are toothless). For a good value blow job come see old Helga, the toothless charm over on Grey St in St Kilda. She will give you a whole hour of herpefied, toothless fun for a knockdown price of $30. She's had over 30 years experience charming snakes from all over Melbourne at anytime, day, noon or night!
edit The Dark Side of Melbourne
At the dawn of time, there was an epic battle between good and evil. As both sides were evenly matched, neither could defeat the other and a stalemate ensued. Seeing that the battle was pointless, the leader of the Light and the Dark agreed on a truce. Neither side would attack the other and thus began an uneasy peace.
The forces of evil were subdued, but not defeated. Both sides awaited the coming of the Chosen One which would herald the Final Battle (A game of Aussie rules, whatever code is up to you) and decided the fate of the universe. Until then, both sides bade their time, in preparation.
But what became of the Dark? After the truce, they were given parts of Melbourne as part of the Balfive Declaration. They now reside in and around Flinders St Station. Visitors to Melbourne are warned not to approach the area without a armed guard or a shitload of garlic. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
The residents of this zone are known as Evil Monstrous Others (E.M.O s). They enjoy wearing dark clothes and are almost always either smoking or listening to their iPods.
It should be noted that if one is caught in this dark zone without protection, it is advisable to flee to St. Paul's Cathedral. It is physically impossible for an E.M.O. to enter this holy sanctuary. It should also be noted that it is great fun to forcibly drag an E.M.O. into the Cathedral and watch them burn as they cross the threshold.
The dark side of Melbourne is also where children fleeing from New Zealand end up, although some do end up in the south eastern suburbs. The most notorious of these is Hamish Blake, a cellist and "comedian". World famous arsehole Gordon Ramsay reigns supreme in this war-ravaged part of Australia.
Also, please note that violence has increased in Melbourne's centre by up to OVER 9000%, and will plan to increase the rate more by opening up new places for hyperdrinking, such as the new beer barn in Docklands that can only hold up to 1500 people. Beer can either come up in "Asian penis-sized" cup or in 5 litre kegs, but hurry, as the Gillard government has plans on increasing the alcohol price up to $100.00, which then can have a devastating effect on Melbourne, since most of the people can't survive without alcohol.
edit "We can have commercialism too!"
Seeing that Sydney ( ahaha.. Sydney..) had become the mecca of faux trendy coffee shops and cancerous fried dough treat depositories, Melbourne has seen a dramatic increase in the number of Starbucks, Gloria Jeans (Another American owned coffee giant), Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, 7-Eleven[1] and other human convertion and conversation centres throughout the cityscape. Desperate to get one up on Sydney or at least appear as cool and trendy, Melburnians are being encouraged to throw off the favour of small 'quality' coffee shops and traditional cafe's and to replace them with generic churn consumerism by partaking in massive intakes of awful American crap. Progress is good and now its virtually impossible to find a slim attractive woman in Melbourne. Not much has changed. Recently, a new Costco store opened in Docklands, making most of the bogans much worse than the trailer trash of America.
The plan backfired slightly though because like every city in Australia the coffee tasted like crap (and still is), but at least now you can buy it in a "double-soy-decafe-triple story-grand-viente-supreme-maximus-15-gallon-8-litre-American-style with a twist of lemon and three sweeteners" or in a "Asian-penis-sized" paper cup. If you're dying to have men in a big, phallic car scream obscenities at you, Melbourne can't be beat. Melbourne's 'Commodore Poets' driving their "Mario Karts" will find something at least partially intelligible to scream at you.
Melbourne is heavily populated with Architects. Rednecks from Sydney and Queensland commonly complain that they feel like the only non-Architect in the street when in Melbourne. Ergo, these Architects contribute one of the other strange Melbourneisms which is the obsession with building stupid looking stuff. The Centenary Arch, Federation Square, Bolty Bridge, Box Hill and Southern Hot Cross Station are a few prime examples. All of these stupid buildings, however, have a function - including the Eureka Tower. They all have city wide escape potential... an eject seat. By going into Federation Square, you are showing that you really want to leave the city via air. Take care when using this method as weather systems can affect it. Also a parachute is not provided and this should also be taken into account when selecting your landing site. Also, ALL care should be taken to avoid Flinders Street Station at all times. The congregating emos have been known to cause suffocation in passerbys, and this is not helped by the fact that they all just really smell bad. Hungry Jacks AKA Fatty Burgers 2 AKA Burger King has been known to be an emo hideout. Beware = They are more awesome than you.
While in Melbourne, make sure you mingle with the intelligentsia. Start with reading the highly acclaimed Herald Sun, an intellectually profound newspaper fit for any man of letters. Written by world renowned journalists of the highest intellectualy calibre, the Herald Sun has been cultivating the minds of a new generation of philosophes since 1990. For any young scholar aspiring to be a 21st century Voltaire, do take heed: the Herald Sun has been preparing Melbourne to be the birthplace for a present day Renaissance in the making!
edit Transport
Melbourne is home to the largest tram network in the world. Often cited as one of the city's main tourist attractions, despite the fact that it is of no interest to anyone. The tram network is frequently discussed as a method of reducing carbon emissions through greater use of public transport. This fails to take into account less than 7% of journeys are by tram. In addition to this Melbourne also offers some normal trains that run on tracks. They can usually be caught from Flinder's Street Station when you aren't being mugged.
The primary mode of transport in Melbourne is the VL Commodore. 98% of Melbourians own or have owned a VL Commodore at some stage in their lives. It is commonly seen as a rite of passage to own a turbocharged example with a large dose pipe or blow-off valve. It is expected that you perform a "sick" burnout (usually with one wheel) at least every 100 metres. Failure to do so will likely attract attention from the VicRoads & lessen chances of attracting females.
Another favourite Melbourne pastime is avoiding being hit by large vehicles: "Toorak Tractors". These and other four wheel drives are needed to get over the suspension smashing, differential scraping, brake wearing, petrol wasting "saftey speed humps" built by councils designed to kill ambulance patients. Try to avoid being hit by one of the unreasonably large Ford Territories so popular on Melbourne streets. Try to avoid being hit by the teenager driving the Plastic Toy Hyundai Excel with lots of stickers, a fat exhaust pipe and a "sick subwoofa, mate". Try to avoid being hit by the disgruntled middle-age housewife driving her Camry down the footpath on the wrong side of the road. Or for that real Melbourne flavour, try to avoid getting hit by a taxi driven by a foreigner who paid an official back in their home country for a driver's licence so he can drive a taxi in Melbourne with vast local knowledge (two weeks) in a way that would make Michael Schumacher wet himself.
Most people have discovered during their travels that the large metal boxes with, 'Metro' written on them tend to be either unwilling or unable to stop within 5 seconds and they will hit you so you want to avoid jumping in front of those. They also have a habit of leaving the tracks and following you home, so if you are walking home from the shops and see a 6 carriage train behind you hiding behind trees and bushes it might be best to call the police and they will have it destroyed at the earliest possible opportunity. Don't even think about travelling on them because their trains are shit! A trait of a true Melburnian is to ask them about Connex. If they go "meh", they're obviously from NSW and should be eaten.
The roads in Melbourne are built to a sensible grid system, rather than the paved six-lane goat tracks of Sydney, which makes escape easier. (The grid is not quite aligned to true north, so the authors of the most popular street map can print it skewed on every one of their hundreds of pages, just to prove they're so anal they alphabetise their underwear.)
edit References
- ↑ There are about 50,000 7-Elevens in Melbourne
