Mein Kampf
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“The story of one man against pressed citrus products. Truly the most emotional read of World War 2.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Mein Kampf
Mein Kampf (translated as: me in camp f) is the title that Adolf Hitler gave to the Livejournal he kept during his teen-aged and pre-college years. In it, he discussed things that annoyed him, saddened him, and depressed him. It was later published and distributed to the German people, because as leader he could. Especially noticeable was his hatred for orange juice. The controversy over his journal came from a later typographical error that "juice" was misspelled in the final print version of his book. Unfortunately, the cost of recalling all copies, and reprinting them was so great, that the publishers simply concluded "what the hell?" This award winning novel included things "like reuben it was you!" and "dude wheres my car?"
Foot-note: *Originally entitled 'Me in Kamp F' the first edition of the book contained sleazy details of young Adolf's happy days 'F Troop' under Count Baden-Baden von Schwarzwald** at the Jung Arbeiter (or Ja!) camp on Brownshirt Island. Many leading sources cite this period as the foundation of Hitler's love of strict BDSM, a spartan lifestyle and black or brown uniforms and was the origin of his life long hatred of presed citrus products, specifically orange juice. Subsequent editions were heavily edited, removing most of the happy-clappy stuff, thus giving Der Führer a much more moody image, as is befitting of a world leader and Orangophobe. **It is interesting to note that Count Baded-Baden von Schwarzwald was a distant relative of Lord Baden-Powys, founder of the Boys Watch in England. In later years Baden-Powys would often quip 'Not bloody distant enough, what?' which many toffs considered to be side-splittingly funny.
Ankle-note: The title 'Orangophobe' really got to Adolf in later years and may explain why he decided to invade (or, more accurately, got his armies etc), to invade Holland, who play football (or Fussball) in orange shirts. It is a sad fact that he thought that was where Oranges were grown. It was only when Holland was overwhelmed that Gauleiter (and chocolate Baron) Villy Vonka discovered that oranges were not in fact grown in Holland; they just liked the colour and the blossom.
Shin-note: Having made this awful discovery, Hitler turned his attention to France, which had a city called Orange. Putting 2 and 2 together, he got 7 (but with a little bar in the middle) and, guess what, he (or his armies etc) invaded France. It fell to Gauleiter Pierre Fromagemanger to give him the bad news that oranges (the fruit) were called oranges because they were imported from Afrika and were unloaded at Orange docks. 'Oh Dear' said Adolf (but in German) 've had best inwade Afrika'. So, he sent Erwin (Dessert Fox) Rommel and a few Panzerkampkraftwagens (or Tanks as they are called elsewhere) to find the dratted fruit and get rid of them.
Knee-note: Lewtenant Sunny D Light, a member of the American Intelligence Corpse intercepted secret communications via the Stigmata Maschinen (that had been captured in 1940 by the rogue submariner Captain Kirk in USS Enterprise), detailing Axis plans to neutralise African citrus fruit production. Within weeks of discovering the threat to Oranges AND Lemons, he informed the British Secret Service by postcard (a nice view of Las Vegas from the beach) that they had 'Better do something about it and damned fast' - Naturally, the British took umbrage at this, as they had been fasting since September 1939 and they didn't need a damned Yank to tell them to do a bit more.
Femur-note: The British sent in Field Marshall Del Monty with some small soldiers (1/8th scale) who were called the British Eighth Army, who adopted the nickname 'Dessert Rats' because they all liked their puddings. The Rats outsmarted the Fox and won the war. A few years later the Americans joined in the war, after a delivery of Mitsubishi Zero's turned out to be several squadrons of warplanes on a mission***, not small, fast sports cars, like they had been expecting. (***The Americans had been warned about this by the British, but didn't believe them).
Contents |
[edit] Sample Entries
For your reading pleasure, Uncyclopedian Historians have recovered some of the lost entries, and are working to simulate the way it was originally published. Newer entries are at the top, as with traditional blog service. These entries are sampled from throughout the work, and include his rejection from art school, the beginning of his political career, and his rise to power.
The following entries take place shortly after his career in Art ended, and the political career began. The material prior to these events is almost entirely art, as above, and is therefore uninteresting and unimportant. The entries have been deleted since, and the art is currently in storage in a U.S. facility.
Please Note: entries read from the bottom up, in classic blog-style.
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