Meghan McCain's ass
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Despite its position of importance on the national stage from 2007 to 2009, most political observers believe that Miss McCain's ass is not expected to play a significant role in the 2012 election, though they acknowledge that any "October surprise" could indeed involve her buttocks in some capacity. There have been some calls for languishing Republican candidates such as Rick Santorum to resurrect the issue of Meghan McCain's ass in order to energize their base, many of whom historically shared an enthusiasm for McCain's generous badonkadonk.
To date, however, these calls have gone unheeded, and today, Meghan McCain's ass merely serves as a reminder of an interesting time in American history.
Early History of Meghan McCain's Ass
Meghan McCain's ass was born on October 23, 1984, attached to the back of Meghan McCain. However, at this time, it was not a significant issue in American politics. Gallup polling, had anyone bothered to pay for it, would have revealed that the only people to whom Meghan McCain's ass was important were John and Cindy McCain, and that they would have rated its job performance "adequate but unpleasant."
The ass would live a fairly normal childhood. Beginning in 1998, McCain's ass spent four years encased in a plaid Catholic school girl skirt, which raised its public profile slightly. However, it was not until 2007 when the ass burst into mainstream American consciousness.
Meghan McCain's Ass as a National Political Issue
The issue was first raised in 2007 by an anonymous contributor to the website 4chan.org, who opined regarding Meghan's ass: "Man the harpoons." Another unnamed pundit then wrote an essay suggesting that this contributor kindly fuck off, and offered a rebuttal regarding McCain's ass: "I want to be friends with it." Thousands of voices quickly weighed in, dividing themselves into "pro-ass" and "anti-ass" camps, and creating the largest public disagreement seen on 4chan since the infamous Boxxy incident. At one point, the sheer volume of McCain-butt-related comments threatened to overwhelm the bandwidth of the site, and reportedly depressed Internet throughput in the United States by 15%.
Although this debate certainly spawned a measure of controversy, 4chan was soon distracted by compulsively captioning pictures of cats, and for a time, it seemed that the furor over Miss McCain's derrière would quickly subside. It was only then that conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham threw her hat into the ring, broadcasting the following message to her 5.5 million listeners:
- So, it seems that Meghan McCain has a problem with Ann Coulter. I guess she has to spend her time attacking her fellow Republicans, since The Real World wasn't hiring plus-sized models. Meghan, here's a word of advice: you're too fat for politics. You're so fat, if you wore high heels in Texas, you'd strike oil. You're so fat, J.C. Penny called; they want you to stop asking if they have pants with the waist size of 'equator.' America, let's not listen to this revolting blob any longer than we'd like to look at her.
McCain quickly Tweeted a scathing retort to Ingraham:
- You remember when Tyra Banks showed up on that one show wearing a bathing suit that said "Kiss my black ass?" Well, I'm going to do that to you, you dumb skank."
It is widely reported that McCain did exactly this, but to the great disappointment of the general public, Ingraham's show is broadcast on the radio, where McCain's ass could not be seen, but merely heard, in low, rumbling tones. Also audible were Ingraham's screams of terror as McCain's ass, apparently, engulfed and devoured her.
An American political issue had been born. Within weeks, Gallup acquired the following polling data:
- Which of the following is the most important issue facing the country today?
- 41% The economy
- 25% The size and scope of Meghan McCain's buttocks
- 13% The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
- 8% The federal budget deficit
- 7% Health care
- 5% Other
Campaign Responses to McCain's Ass
The campaigns of Barack Obama and John McCain quickly concluded that the 2008 election could not be won unless the issue of Meghan McCain's rear was addressed to the satisfaction of the voters. In particular, both Evangelicals and African Americans - groups typically on opposite sides of the political aisle - rated this one of their most important issues, even suggesting that they would change their party affiliation based on its stance on McCain's bottom.
McCain delegated the issue to his running mate, Sarah Palin, because voters had long ago forgotten that it was he, and not Palin, who was running for President. Palin quickly won over both Evangelicals and African Americans by applying her down-home brand of commonsense conservatism to Meghan McCain's butt, including the following excerpt from the Vice Presidential debate with Joe Biden:
- Golly, folks, we all know one of the greatest issues facing America today is Meghan McCain's juicy booty. America is asking: would I sneak up behind her and motorboat those cheeks? Stick my nose in there and just waggle it all over the place? Well, I'm proud to say that I know I would, gosh darn it. Meghan's butt is such a maverick.
In comparison, Obama's response to the controversy was notably more muted; for several months, he protested the impropriety of even discussing the issue of McCain's caboose. Americans began to become dissatisfied with his extended silence on the issue, and his poll numbers began to droop. Finally, in a September 2008 press conference, after waving off literally dozens of questions about his opponent's daughter's rear, a reporter in the back yelled "Senator, just tell us what you think of Meghan's butt already!" After a brief pause, Obama leaned forward to his microphone, hesitated for a moment, and then said, cryptically, "Mix-a-Lot's in trouble."
Obama received no small measure of criticism for this statement. Fox News accused him of engaging in racial politics, asserting that Palin had shown greater support for Meghan's ass than he had and should therefore rightfully be entitled to the African American vote. Rush Limbaugh accused Obama of stealing material from his radio show, demonstrating that, just weeks prior, he had indeed referred to the young McCain's butt as a "juicy double" and suggested that she was in possession of "a motor in the back of her Honda." Nonetheless, Obama's support had rebounded, giving him just the momentum he needed to prevail in November's election.
The Continuing Adventures of McCain's Ass
By 2009, no one cared about Meghan McCain's ass anymore, in no small part because the word "ass" in the English language had been largely replaced by the word "Kardashian," and McCain's own Kardashian, while generously proportioned, was not considered to be up to Kardashian standards.
Several of McCain's friends, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported to the press that McCain had become depressed by this turn of events, and that she missed the attention that had been lavished upon her tush. For several months, McCain's Twitter account sat mysteriously silent, a likely testimonial to her emotional funk. Finally, in October 2009, motivated by a sense of loneliness and the growing urge of her ass to feed again, McCain posted a provocative picture of herself holding a biography of Andy Warhol, accompanied by the following Tweet:
- Reading about Warhol. That guy painted tons of soup! Also, look at my chest ass.
Reaction to this event was significantly muted compared to the 2008 furor, but did spawn a certain amount of pointless debate over whether McCain's breasts legitimately qualified as a secondary ass. Ultimately, the public consensus was that they did not, and that the young McCain was trying to pull a fast one over the public.
From this point forward, McCain's ass sank into relative obscurity. Still, to this day, she has a dedicated coterie of followers who, when interviewed, readily repeat their motto: "Someday, somehow, Meghan's ass will rise again."