Sega Genesis

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$500 for a hi-res bible, plus add-ons? Sounds holy!

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sega Genesis.

The Sega Genesis, also known as the Mega Drive in poorer factions of the world, is a '90s 16-bit gaming console. Its main competitor was Nintendo's SNES, which campaigned on the slogan of "Nintendo is what Segain't". It was known for games such as Sonic the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles, Knuckles & Knuckles, Sonic's Big Blue Bohemian Adventure, Time Cop, '90s Rad X-treme Racer, and Anime Fighting Game.

The Holy Sega Mega Drive was invented by Firippu Collins and Petoro Gabriel, intended to improve on the 8-bit graphics of the Coleco Adam and the Apple I used by Eve in the Garden of Eden with 16-bit BLAST PROCESSING. The Mega Drive did poorly in its native Japan, but was a smash hit in the United States after a subtle name change to "Genesis". Wow, Amerifats are so obsessed with religion that they have to name their consoles after the Bible!

The Genesis was quite popular in its heyday; Jesus hath proclaimed it his favorite console. By the end of 1994, when a new generation of 32-bit consoles rendered the system technologically obsolete, Sega hurled their beloved console into the Abyss of the Damned by the Big Blue Satan. The mascot and Lazarus symbol of the book of Sega Genesis, Sonic the Hedgehog, hath earned enough extra lives to outlive the Genesis; Sonic often appears in other Video Game Consoles.

edit History

BLAST PROCESSING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sonic also brought to us the holy gift of blast processing.

Although Sega does not like to admit it, it was in fact Sonic the Hedgehog who created the Holy Sega Genmegadrivesis. He used as a tool to spread the hedgehogian message of peace and hog. When Sonic began to spread the word of the hog, he deicided to tell the story of his original coming into this world. He used the Holy Sega Genesis to tell the word in a fun, interactive form, a better idea than Jesus ever had. People were instantly hypnotised into thinking hedgehogs were cool and blue.

Pleased with Sonic's initial success, Sega sent down the other two parts of the Holy Trinity of the Hedgehog, Knuckles and Tails, to assist Sonic. Together, they made three two more games and a movie. Sega had never been richer. All was well for a while, but Sonic began to decline with a string of mediocre "spin-off" and handheld titles, Sonic Labyrinth being the most wretched of them all.

Sega campaigned on the slogan "Genesis does what Nintendon't", and video gamers bought into it rather easily. Of course, like all consoles, it soon declined in popularity and became a "zombie" platform. Nowadays, Megasis games are often played via emulation, as the console has become a zombie platform and nobody wants their brains to be eaten.

edit Game library


The Holy Trinity.

In the beginning Sega created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and 16-Bit Graphics were upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Sega moved upon the face of the waters.

  • And Sega said, "Let there be light": and there was Wonderboy in Monsterland.
  • And Sega saw the light, that it was good: and Sega divided the light from the darkness, thus creating Alex Kidd. And Sega called the light Day, and the darkness he called Sega Time. And the evening and the morning were the first day, when he chilled and played Super-Hang-On for a while. And Sega said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the graphics, and let it the side scrolling beat-em-ups from the normal style beat-em-ups.
  • And Sega made the firmament, and divided the games which were under the firmament from the Streets of Rage which were above the firmament: and it was so. And Sega called the firmament Sonic the Hedgehog. And the Control Pad and the Reset Button were the second day. And Sega said, "Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dolphin appear." And so the one known as Ecco the Dolphin appeared.
  • And Sega called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and Sega saw that it was good. For a laugh he also created crap games like Sword of Sodan.
  • And Sega said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth": and it was so. The Shining Force and Phantasy Star were formed.
  • And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after the hit that was Sonic the Hedgehog, Sega decided he would make himself a sequel.
  • And the evening, the morning, and Mortal Kombat were the third day.
  • And Sega said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years: Let there be Word Cup Italia '90!"

edit Add-ons

edit Sega CD

Main article: Sega Micro CD

In 1992, Sega released an add-on to the Genesis called the Sega CD. Retailing at the jacked-up price of $250, advertisements touted the system's "3D grapfix OMG!" and "full-motion video". Most games released for it were of dubious quality, with only a few decent ones, like Sonic CD and...well, Sonic CD.

edit Sega 32X

Pretty much the same thing happened here. It was said that you could read the Bible in awesome 32-bit graphics, as suggested by the name, but it sucked and was a waste of money. Welcome to the next level, my ass.

edit See also

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