Medusa

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“I'm done with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' bitch!”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on Medusa
“If she's as ugly as everyone says, then why do guys suddenly get hard after at her?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Medusa
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Perseus about to perform a very short back and sides on Medusa.

Not to be confused with Madame Medusa.

Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with a goddess and don't check what is inside a shampoo bottle.

Origins of Medusa

You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Her parents were a couple of incestuous sea monsters who spent their time shagging each other underwater or crawling out of the sea to feed on unsuspecting beach wedding parties. Somehow Medusa's parents managed to spit out three daughters who looked at least normal. Euryale and Stheno were passable if a bit creepy but their sister Medusa was the family's princess. Pretty and very pert, Medusa was popular at school but already something was chewing at her heart. One day her parents took a break from their grotesque table manners to inform their daughters of 'the facts of life'. These were that Euryale and Stheno were immortal whereas Medusa wasn't. Apparently that was the deal with the Olympian gods. When she heard the news, Medusa shut herself up in the family cave and burnt all her toys.

The news that she was a mortal made Medusa deeply resentful of how life can serve you a bowl of cherries in one hand and a bucket of shit in the other. She also asked what made the Olympian gods so special with their model brochure looks and shiny, polished physiques. It wasn't fair and Medusa wanted to keep her looks for as long as she could. That meant no more bringing boyfriends home to meet the parents, though that had been a problem when often they got eaten by her folks and she had to come up with an excuse on the whereabouts of Adonis or Narcissus. Medusa would become a priestess and stay away from men.

Medusa got a job at a local temple dedicated to Athena. Since only virgins were allowed to work there. Medusa had to sign a form that said No Sexual Relations and keep to her word. Inside the temple there many statues to Athena, one showing her scratching her bare bum after a game of tennis (a saucy, unwanted gift to Athena from Aphrodite). It was a popular place to leave presents to Athena by both men and women. Medusa was happy to do the job but she thought Athena's manly, muscled look to be unfeminine and to be frank, a bit of a Greek dyke. One night whilst polishing this statue, Medusa felt the salty breath of a stranger behind her. Turning around she saw a large man covered in seaweed and slapping a salmon around his groin. He looked a bit like one of her father's friends. Politely she asked why he was there as it was late and she was going to blow all the torches out. The man just grinned and said 'ha, just like your mother' and gripped her, sliding Medusa's robes onto the floor. Then she realised it was 'pork bayonet' Poseidon out of his element but in the mood.

Since there was no point in resisting the randy old sea devil, Medusa let the divine violator have his way with her. Medusa had hoped to elope with old seaweed beard back at his place but it was a filthy night and so she unwisely agreed to do it in front of the statue of Athena. The virgin goddess Athena wasn't amused when she watched the CCTV coverage inside her temple a few days later, seeing Medusa going for it on an Olympus Size HD screen. So Athena worked on her revenge on her errant employee. It would be cruel but to at least Athena, very funny.

Shampoo With Snake Oil

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Medusa having an unruly snakelock hair day.

Medusa resigned from the temple and asked Poseidon to give her some his powers to help her with a new career. He agreed and believing she was under a more powerful protector, launched a new career as a full time model. She hired her sisters Euryale and Stheno as her public relations consultants and they planted favourable stories about Medusa in the local Greek papers like 'The Delphic Oracle' and 'Athens Democrat'. Medusa's fame grew and she was soon seen dating athletes, dancing with actors around town and getting her faced snogged off by reformed cage fighters. This was a mistake. Poseidon soon lost interest in Medusa and withdrew his protection of her from other Olympians. Athena was now ready to implement her revenge.

Medusa's constant partying had damaged her hair. A new personal assistant was hired who promised to treat Medusa's bottle blonde roots. The woman (who was Athena in disguise) gave the luckless Medusa a good hair rinse and provided Euryale and Stheno with a full body massage of a new 'scented oil'. The three sisters thanked the disguised Athena and prepared for a special fashion show.

As the sisters sashayed down the catwalk, Athena cast her spell. In that instant Medusa's hair became a mass of writhing snakes whilst her sister's bodies acquired the texture of old leather handbags. The audience briefly saw this vision before turning into stone.

We Want To Be Alone

Medusa and her sisters fled to somewhere less fashionable as they tried to work out how to undo Athena's spell. But walking around with a nest of vipers hissing and spitting wasn't going to help the sisters' social or sex life. They tried to become a singing trio - The Gorgon Sisters - but they found that audiences were very cold towards them, a regular event as they were transformed into immobile rock the moment the sisters came on stage. Unsurprising, bookings dried up and the Gorgons headed off to an island to instead to prey on passing tourists on cheap cruises.

Perseus Given a Task to Make Him A Hero

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"Oh shit - I forgot to look away!" Despite Perseus's bare bollock heroics - he makes a Bonobo!

Athena wasn't done yet with Medusa but she waited a few years before making her next move. She couldn't dirty her own hands and dispose of the snake haired gorgons but came across Perseus - a surfer boy from Thebes - was by chance looking for a new job in Athens. He had been attracted by Athena's advert: Wanted - A New Greek Hero. Thinking - why not ?, Perseus applied and was hired by Athena, disguised this time as a tour operator. She told him that he would be a very lucky Greek and would appear on the Parthenon News Channel (PNC) if he could find Medusa and cut off her head. Perseus said 'no problem Princess' and booked a flight to the island to do the deed.

A Change of Plan

Perseus phoned Athena to say that Medusa had left The Gorgon Sisters and had changed her name to Madonna . She was now touring with Stone Dead Roses so Perseus reasoned the job was off and got a bar job serving his famous 'Persey Slammers' instead.

Athena Kicks His Big Fat Greek Arse

When she had heard that Perseus had chickened out of his mythological destiny, Athena flew down to the bar and using her famed wisdom - punched Perseus through an open window. The reluctant hero agreed to forshorten Medusa as Athena asked.

"Go now Perseus ! - and bring me that bitch's head. I want it to be centre piece of my new dining room on Olympus."

Athena also gave Perseus a flying horse called Pegasus (on-loan from Bellerophon who was away with Jason on a Golden Fleece-related adventure) , a pair of spring loaded sandals and the Underpants of Invisibility so that Perseus could sneak up on old snake hair undetected. Athena also gave him the handy Rough Guide to Mythological Monsters and Terrible Beasties to read on the journey.

Say Goodnight Medusa

Using the inbuilt monster Sat-Nav installed on Pegasus's head, Perseus soon found himself in a run down housing estate and outside Medusa's seedy apartment. A row of stoney postmen and a the petrified Jehovah's Witness outside her door convinced Perseus he was at the right address.

Sneaking upstairs (and wearing his invisible underpants), he found Medusa lying on her Emin-style, Unmade Bed surrounded by sheep bones, Nikon Cameras and Amy Winehouse CDs. Perseus placed a mirror by her head and looked at Medusa. He could see in the reflection that despite her green coloured skin and reptilian hairstyle, Medusa had once been quite a looker - like a lost extra on a Star Trek film. Anyway then Medusa's tiresome snakes smelt him and hissed, so Perseus cut off her head and left the crime scene for a gory edition of 'CSI:Classical Athens' to clear up.

Hello? Naked Woman Chained to a Rock??

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"She's not my type. Does Andromeda have a sister ?"

With his headliner good deed of the day done, Perseus flew back to Athens but decided to take a scenic route. Along the way he saw a naked young woman who had been chained to a rock . He told Pegasus to land and introduced himself, producing a small hand written business card which he tucked into the young woman's hair. Besides her was a table and chair and set up besides her with a menu that read : 'Main Course: Andromeda, Followed by Snails'.

Quick! free me brave Greeky!!, screamed Andromeda. The Sea Monster Cetus that has come to devour me has just nipped off for a quick piss behind that rock! I'll be your wife and hoover every day, Andromeda guessing correctly that as a hero, Perseus would also be bone idle when it came to house work. Then Perseus could hear the belching, swearing monster coming back and told his Andromeda to 'Look away now if you don't want to know the result.'

The fearsome beast which was still wiping his scaly paws on his bulging belly looked at Perseus and Pegasus.

Oi you two!! Get lost. She's mine. Come back in a hour, I may leave a couple of bones for you.

Perseus said nothing but pulled out Medusa's bloody head and waved it at the Monster. It promptly turned to a huge pile of stone turds.

Who's A Hero Now!

Andromeda was unchained but showed reluctance to return home as it had been her parents who had left her out there as a monster snack. Perseus said that was a sad example of parental neglect. He gave Andromeda one of his cloaks to wear and they returned back to her place to 'have it out'. Andromeda's mother Cassiopeia was surprised to see her daughter again and thanked Perseus. However, her father Cepheus was less welcoming and when told by Perseus that he worked in a bar, ordered out the hero 'and that freaky horse'. Cepheus also demanded to see what was inside the sack with the dripping snake venom leaking of the bottom. When Perseus advised that 'he didn't really want to see that', one of Cepheus's servants pulled out Medusa's head and turned everyone except Perseus and Andromeda into lego.

Look I am sorry Andromeda. At least you have some new ornaments for your rock garden but perhaps after all this, we're not best suited to each other. With that, Perseus remounted Pegasus and continued on his journey back home. Andromeda was left to clean up the family home.

Where's My Head?

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Medusa: I have just left Amy Winehouse's place after a crackasmack party.

Perseus got home and traded in all his heroic gifts in for a spanking new Ferrari. However he did keep Medusa's head as it was fun to taunt her. Medusa remained neither alive or dead but when she was taken out, her eyes would open and petrify anyone within her vision. Perseus found Medusa very useful when debt collectors came knocking to take his Ferrari away, though disposing of the bodies became more problematic. Athena was meanwhile wondering why Perseus had neglected to let her know when she could collect Medusa's bloody head. So dropping down from Olympus and disguising herself as a cosmetics agent, Athena entered Perseus's bachelor pad. She picked up Medusa's head in the old training bag where Perseus kept it with his sporting gear and looked for her 'hero'. She eventually found him in the shower and removed her disguise to show her true godly looks. Unwisely Perseus forget about Athena's vow of perpetual chastity and suggested she strip off and join him in the cubicle.

Sorry Perseus, if I had wanted a man to couple with, I would have chosen Apollo. I wear the Ring of Chastity so what you have there will not tempt me. Now where is Medusa's head?

Disappointed by his offer getting turned down, Perseus stepped out and stood before her, water dripping off his toned, naked body. Athena kept her gaze fixed on his eyes.

Well what ever turns you on Athena, said Perseus as he got out of the shower. Now can I retire and wait for the myth makers to catch up and finish my story? Do you fancy a 'Persey Slammer' as well, doesn't the hero get the girl in the end??

Sorry Perseus..You lose, and with that Athena turned Medusa's head to face a naked Perseus. Well at least he made a reasonable into a well hung statue. It was the Athena could do for the cheeky Greek hero. Now at least you won't sully your myth in future by stumbling out of tavernas at half past three in the morning with your trousers around your ankles.

Moral of the Story

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Pegasus left the heroic adventure business and retired to Rhodes to play night time beach volley ball instead.

Greek Gods are touchy bastards so if you are going to mock them , check if they have a sense of humour. Athena didn't have one and nor did Apollo. However Aphrodite was good for a giggle usually.

Her Special Powers

Medusa is supposed to have had the following powers:

  • Turn you into stone if you look at her eyes.
  • Went out shopping with a wooly hat on her head.
  • Not going crazy with twenty snakes on the top of her head hissing all the time.
  • Scaring her barber shitless.
  • Hot in bed as long as you kept the lights off.
  • Not a girl you want to bring home for mother.
  • Useful if you fancied a pair of Stone Clad Jeans.
  • Someone even Mick Jagger would not fancy trifling with.

See also

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