Medusa
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“I'm done with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' bitch!”
“If she's as ugly as everyone says, then why do guys suddenly get hard after looking at her?”
Not to be confused with Madame Medusa.
Medusa is a good example of what happens if you fall out with a goddess and don't check what is inside a shampoo bottle.
edit Origins of Medusa
You could say Medusa had a pretty rotten life all round. Her parents were a couple of incestuous sea monsters who produced a brood of three sisters. Euryale and Stheno were passable on a dark night but only Medusa was the real looker in her family. But that came at a price. Her sisters were immortal but Medusa was condemned to grow old and die like a mortal. This made Medusa deeply resentful of how life can serve you a bowl of cherries in one hand and a bucket of shit in the other. She also asked what made the Olympian gods so special with their model brochure eternal youth and shiny, polished physiques. Their bodies would never decay but Medusa knew her fate was to end up like an wrinkled old prune.
Medusa got a job at a local temple dedicated to Athena and hoped to keep away from the randier members of the main Greek pantheon. Inside, it had a huge statue of the supposed virgin goddess scratching her bare bum after a game of tennis (a saucy gift to Athena from Aphrodite). Surrounded with sexual innuendo, Medusa soon fell to her more basic and natural urges and one agreed to have sex with Poseidon. Medusa had hoped to elope with old seaweed beard back at his place but it was a filthy night and so she unwisely agreed to do it in front of the statue of Athena. The virgin goddess Athena wasn't amused when she watched the CCTV coverage inside her temple a few days later, seeing Medusa going for it on an Olympus Size HD screen. So Athena worked on her revenge on her errant employee. It would be cruel but to at least Athena, very funny.
edit Shampoo With Snake Oil
As often happens with people who have slept with Gods, Medusa now thought she had special powers and decided to become a full time model. She hired her sisters Euryale and Stheno as her public relations consultants and planted favourable stories about Medusa's in the local Greek papers like 'The Delphic Oracle' and 'Athens Democrat' . They happily chronicled the increasing diva like behavior of Medusa as she was seen dating athletes, dancing with actors around town and getting her faced snogged off in the ocean by reformed cage fighters.
But the constant partying was damaging Medusa's hair. A new personal assistant was hired who promised to treat Medusa's bottle blonde roots. The woman (who was Athena in disguise) gave the luckless Medusa a good hair rinse and her equally ghastly sisters as well. Cleverly - using her goddess spells - the transformation of Medusa's hair into snakes occurred at the New York Fashion show where she was modelling for Karl Lagerfeld. In an instance, an audience of flakey fashion journalists , coke nosed designers and Z list celebrities were turned into a sad collection of ugly statues.
edit We Want To Be Alone
Medusa and her sisters fled to somewhere less fashionable as they tried to work out how to undo Athena's spell. But walking around with a nest of vipers hissing and spitting wasn't going to help the sisters' social or sex life. They tried to become a singing trio - The Gorgon Sisters - but they found that audiences were very cold towards them, a regular event as they were transformed into immobile rock the moment the sisters came on stage. Unsurprising, bookings dried up and the Gorgons headed off to an island to instead to prey on passing tourists on cheap cruises.
edit Perseus Given a Task to Make Him A Hero
Athena wasn't done yet with Medusa but she waited a few years before making her next move. She couldn't dirty her own hands and dispose of the snake haired gorgons but came across Perseus - a surfer boy from Thebes - was by chance looking for a new job in Athens. He had been attracted by Athena's advert: Wanted - A New Greek Hero. Thinking - why not ?, Perseus applied and was hired by Athena, disguised this time as a tour operator. She told him that he would be a very lucky Greek and would appear on the Parthenon News Channel (PNC) if he could find Medusa and cut off her head. Perseus said 'no problem Princess' and booked a flight to the island to do the deed.
edit A Change of Plan
Perseus phoned Athena to say that Medusa had left The Gorgon Sisters and had changed her name to Madonna . She was now touring with Stone Dead Roses so Perseus reasoned the job was off and got a bar job serving his famous 'Persey Slammers' instead.
edit Athena Kicks His Big Fat Greek Arse
When she had heard that Perseus had chickened out of his mythological destiny, Athena flew down to the bar and using her famed wisdom - punched Perseus through an open window. The reluctant hero agreed to forshorten Medusa as Athena asked.
"Go now Perseus ! - and bring me that bitch's head. I want it to be centre piece of my new dining room on Olympus."
Athena also gave Perseus a flying horse called Pegasus (on-loan from Bellerophon who was away with Jason on a Golden Fleece-related adventure) , a pair of spring loaded sandals and the Underpants of Invisibility so that Perseus could sneak up on old snake hair undetected. Athena also gave him the handy Rough Guide to Mythological Monsters and Terrible Beasties to read on the journey.
edit Say Goodnight Medusa
Using the inbuilt monster Sat-Nav installed on Pegasus's head, Perseus soon found himself in a run down housing estate and outside Medusa's seedy apartment. A row of stoney postmen and a the petrified Jehovah's Witness outside her door convinced Perseus he was at the right address.
Sneaking upstairs (and wearing his invisible underpants), he found Medusa lying on her Emin Unmade Bed surrounded by sheep bones, Nikon Cameras and Amy Winehouse CDs. He looked down at her and saw that despite her green coloured skin and reptilian hairstyle, Medusa had once been quite a looker - like a lost extra on a Star Trek film. Anyway then Medusa's tiresome snakes smelt him and hissed so Perseus cut off her head and left the crime scene for a gory edition of 'CSI:Classical Athens' to clear up.
edit Hello? Naked Woman Chained to a Rock??
With his headliner good deed of the day done, Perseus flew back to Athens but decided to take a scenic route. Along the way he saw a naked young woman who had been chained to a rock . He told Pegasus to land and introduced himself, producing a small hand written business card which he tucked into the young woman's hair. Besides her was a table and chair and set up besides her with a menu that read : 'Main Course: Andromeda Followed by Snails'.
Quick! free me brave Greeky!!, screamed Andromeda. The Sea Monster Cetus that has come to devour me has just nipped off for a quick piss behind that rock! I'll be your wife and hoover every day, Andromeda guessing correctly that as a hero, Perseus would also be bone idle when it came to house work. Then Perseus could hear the belching, swearing monster coming back and told his Andromeda to 'Look away now if you don't want to know the result.'
The fearsome beast which was still wiping his scaly paws on his bulging belly looked at Perseus and Pegasus.
Oi you two!! Get lost. She's mine. Come back in a hour, I may leave a couple of bones for you.
Perseus said nothing but pulled out Medusa's bloody head and waved it at the Monster. It promptly turned to a huge pile of stone turds.
edit Who's A Hero Now!
Andromeda was unchained but showed reluctance to return home as it had been her parents who had left her out there as a monster snack. Perseus said that was a sad example of parental neglect. He gave Andromeda one of his cloaks to wear and they returned back to her place to 'have it out'. Andromeda's mother Cassiopeia was surprised to see her daughter again and thanked Perseus. However, her father Cepheus was less welcoming and when told by Perseus that he worked in a bar, ordered out the hero 'and that freaky horse'. He also demanded to see what was inside the sack with the dripping snake venom leaking of the bottom. When Perseus advised that 'he didn't really want to see that', one of Cepheus's servants pulled out Medusa's head and turned everyone except Perseus and Andromeda.
Look I am sorry Andromeda. At least you have some new ornaments for your rock garden but perhaps after all this, we're not best suited to each other. With that, Perseus remounted Pegasus and continued on his journey back home.
edit Where's My Head?
Perseus got home and traded in all his heroic gifts in for a spanking new Ferrari. However he did keep the head - it was useful to get rid of other people he wasn't keen to see anymore. But Athena eventually came knocking and asked for Medusa's bonce. Being a goddess, she could of course walked into anywhere she wanted.
Well what ever turns you on Athena, said Perseus as he got out of the shower. Now can I retire and wait for the myth makers to catch up and finish my story? Do you fancy a 'Persey Slammer' as well, doesn't the hero get the girl in the end??
Sorry Perseus..You lose, and with that Athena turned Medusa's head to face a naked Perseus. Well at least he made a reasonable into a well hung statue. It was the Athena could do for the cheeky Greek hero. Now at least you won't sully your myth in future by stumbling out of tavernas at half past three in the morning with your trousers around your ankles.
edit Moral of the Story
Greek Gods are touchy bastards so if you are going to mock them , check if they have a sense of humour. Athena didn't have one and nor did Apollo. However Aphrodite was good for a giggle usually.
edit Her Special Powers
Medusa is supposed to have had the following powers:
- Turn you into stone if you look at her eyes.
- Went out shopping with a wooly hat on her head.
- Not going crazy with twenty snakes on the top of her head hissing all the time.
- Scaring her barber shitless.
- Hot in bed as long as you kept the lights off.
- Not a girl you want to bring home for mother.
- Useful if you fancied a pair of Stone Clad Jeans.
- Someone even Mick Jagger would not fancy trifling with.
edit Footnotes
- Perseus was later sued by Medusa's sisters for killing a mythical monster without a license.
- Statues to Perseus lopping off Medusa's head in her seedy bedsit were later changed by the Greeks into a poetic cave.
- There is a lost play about Medusa by Euripides entitled 'Me and My Snakes'.
- Quotes come from Athena's own autobiography.
- Or that could just be another tall tale.
- Hesiod was out at lunch for that particular myth.
- A painting by my mum shows a similar theme.
- Plato said the same thing to Aristotle once.
