Meditation
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Meditation is a consciousness-altering technique used by Buddhist monks to achieve a state of sobriety. The main idea is to reach what is thought to be some kind of Enlightenment by telling one's self "I'm a freaking demigod!!" in order to feel a special fuzzy feeling and awaken their inner child. Also see: looking intelligent and not being it.
There's a technique out there called kundalini in which there are drums playing and people have uncoil a serpent up their rear and it looks like they're having sex with themselves. Then they fall onto the ground screaming like animals and curl up into a fetal position, looking like they got raped from the rear.
While meditating, the monk (or president) sits perfectly still, with closed eyes, in a quiet, comfortable place. He attempts to clear the mind so as to allow the troubles and stress of the day to filter in. He will then concentrate on these problems to the exclusion of all external sensory inputs. Frequently considered problems include:
- If there were no war, what would Joan Baez sing about?
- Why should we sign the Kyoto Treaty when the Sun is going to go nova on us at some point anyway?
- How do you fake plausible deniability?
- What is the sound of one hand clapping the cha-cha-cha rhythm?
- Why am I gay?
- Why are pineapples so funny?
- How now brown cow?
Once his mind is full of problems, the monk must then attempt to find solutions, to all of them at once. Since the monk cannot hear, see or feel anything that might inspire a novel solution, and since the monk is forbidden from moving, this attempt invariably fails. If the problem continues to be insoluble the monk will quickly find that his heartbeat, blood pressure, adrenaline and diabetes become elevated, allowing him to achieve supernatural powers such as ninja-like swift acts of aggression, violence and soon after, death.
Insoluble problems such as those shown above are called koans. Politicians (Especially George Bush) do not like koans, especially if they're faced with them before they've had a chance to sober up or nobody has whispered in their ear what to say. Politicians therefore tend to masturbate rather than meditate.
Gurus are known Meditators.
this is an exert from The Dalli Lamma's book "How I became the dali lamma" showing the power and possibilities of meditation.: "Then drugs happened. One day, when the smoke momentarily cleared in the room (a rare occurrence considering the copious, almost obscene, amounts of marijuana in the room), I saw, imprinted in the face of the stucco walling, a consuming picture of a women’s naked ass, perfectly rounded and tanned, defined and strong, yet also fragile, as if waiting for a spanking, and I realized what I must do. The next three days were spent in deep meditation prolonged and interrupted only by pornography. At the end of the third day, much like Buddha under the tree, I was exhausted and bruised, mentally and physically, and to rest I watched more pornography. The porn tape, which I was replaying for the umpteenth time, was of a moderately attractive woman performing several acts of fellatio upon unattractive, hairy and poorly dressed truckeresque pizza men, sometimes several at a time. Watching those hideous creatures be modestly satisfied by the amateurish stunts of the moderately attractive jezebel reassured me that human qualities, physical, spiritual, or personal, were unimportant; sluts just don’t give a fuck, or more accurately, they do. The only measure of worth is the size of your member, and I am well endowed. I realized that all the things, or more accurately the one thing, I need for success was gratuitously gifted to me since birth. After finishing off the tape, in every meaning of the word finish, I finally slept, slept like a new born baby given an adults dose of Novocain.",
[edit] PotentiAl hazArds of MeDitashun
- Turning into a rock or statue.
- Getting locked-out of the bathroom.
- People will think you're a piece of rock or statue or piece of equipment and hang their clothes on you.
- Cockroaches will start to think you're a rock or statue and start crawling over you.
