From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Meditation is a consciousness-altering technique used by Buddhist monks to achieve a state of sobriety. The main idea is to reach what is thought to be some kind of Enlightenment by telling one's self "I'm a freaking demigod!!" in order to feel a special fuzzy feeling and awaken their inner child. Also see: looking intelligent and not being it.
There's a technique out there called kundalini in which there are drums playing and people have uncoil a serpent up their rear and it looks like they're having sex with themselves. Then they fall onto the ground screaming like animals and curl up into a fetal position, looking like they got raped from the rear.
While meditating, the monk (or president) sits perfectly still, with closed eyes, in a quiet, comfortable place. He attempts to clear the mind so as to allow the troubles and stress of the day to filter in. He will then concentrate on these problems to the exclusion of all external sensory inputs. Frequently considered problems include:
- If there were no war, what would Joan Baez sing about?
- Why should we sign the Kyoto Treaty when the Sun is going to go nova on us at some point anyway?
- How do you fake plausible deniability?
- What is the sound of one hand clapping the cha-cha-cha rhythm?
- Why am I gay?
- Why are pineapples so funny?
- How now brown cow?
- Why is the rain in Spain quite plain?
Once his mind is full of problems, the monk must then attempt to find solutions, to all of them at once. Since the monk cannot hear, see or feel anything that might inspire a novel solution, and since the monk is forbidden from moving, this attempt invariably fails. If the problem continues to be insoluble the monk will quickly find that his heartbeat, blood pressure, adrenaline and diabetes become elevated, allowing him to achieve supernatural powers such as ninja-like swift acts of aggression, violence and soon after, death.
Insoluble problems such as those shown above are called koans. Politicians (Especially George Bush) do not like koans, especially if they're faced with them before they've had a chance to sober up or nobody has whispered in their ear what to say. Politicians therefore tend to masturbate rather than meditate.
There is so much unlimited wonder and magnificence that awaits you, if you can just let go and let it into your life. The universe cannot express itself through you if you are busy with your little plans. The Universe wants to express BIG plans through You. To tune into the Universal Good, quiet your senses, focus your mind to within You, and feel the presence of this almighty power that permeates every cell of your body. You will feel a peace, a serenity, and joy begin to rush through you. Be still, and as you feel the power inside you, know that this is the power of the entire universe, and in this moment You are connected to it all. Zowie, baby!
edit How Meditation Works
To be completely focused on the technique, a meditation student must observe 6 precepts (no stealing, no lying, no sexual misconduct, no idle chit chat, and no consumption of banana cake before noon on tuesdays,) and must commit THE REST OF THEIR LIVES (at least 2 hours a day) to practicing the technique. The original teachings of Guatama the buddha was the mediation method known as Vipassana (which literally means "this shit will make you feel like ur on crack!" in ancient Pali language.) This involves concentrated observation of all sensations throughout the physical body with a calm and unreacting mindstate. Eventually the subconscious mind learns automatically that all sensations are fleeting, and along with that realisation comes the peace and tranquility that has so often been described as 'enlightenment'. These are the same sensations a person gets when they take a pinga, or smoke crack for the first time, but considering Vipassana is centred around the deflation of addictive habits, the meditator can keep the 'crack high' FOREVER, because the mind does not care if it is there or not.
Gurus are known Meditators.
An exert from The Dalli Lamma's book "How I became the dali lamma" shows the power and possibilities of meditation.:
|“|| Then drugs happened. One day, when the smoke momentarily cleared in the room (a rare occurrence considering the copious, almost obscene, amounts of marijuana in the room), I saw, imprinted in the face of the stucco walling, a consuming picture of a women’s naked ass, perfectly rounded and tanned, defined and strong, yet also fragile, as if waiting for a spanking, and I realized what I must do. The next three days were spent in deep meditation prolonged and interrupted only by pornography.|
At the end of the third day, much like Buddha under the tree, I was exhausted and bruised, mentally and physically, and to rest I watched more pornography. The porn tape, which I was replaying for the umpteenth time, was of a moderately attractive woman performing several acts of fellatio upon unattractive, hairy and poorly dressed truckeresque pizza men, sometimes several at a time. Watching those hideous creatures be modestly satisfied by the amateurish stunts of the moderately attractive jezebel reassured me that human qualities, physical, spiritual, or personal, were unimportant; sluts just don’t give a fuck, or more accurately, they do. The only measure of worth is the size of your member, and I am well endowed. I realized that all the things, or more accurately the one thing, I need for success was gratuitously gifted to me since birth. After finishing off the tape, in every meaning of the word finish, I finally slept, slept like a new born baby given an adults dose of Novocain.
edit PotentiAl hazArds of MeDitashun
- Turning into a rock or statue.
- Getting locked-out of the bathroom.
- People will think you're a piece of rock or statue or piece of equipment and hang their clothes on you.
- Cockroaches will start to think you're a rock or statue and start crawling over you.