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Meaning can take one of three forms: words, glances, and winks. Meaning usually conveys the meaning of something, unless that something HAS no meaning, in which case it's just a big ol' mess of letters. For example:
That word won't win you any points in Scrabble, unless you're very handy with a Russian dictionary and are ignoring the rules of Scrabble (I'm guilty of that, by the way). "Meaning" is the main way in which Scrabble points are awarded, and before Scrabble "meaning" had no definition. 90% of the words in a dictionary were, in fact, fictional and useless. Life in and of itself, is a mean game, full of meaning. Because this article has lots of meaning, don't expect it to make much sense... expect it to have LOTS OF
The Definition of Meaning...
Müh•Nø•Ûng) V.: When someone is mean to you, or is otherwise engaged in mean behavior of the mean type.
Example: In Scrabble, Johnny was meaning when he put down "Zoology" for 580 points. God dammit, I hate you Scrabble! WHY??! WWWHHYYY!! FUCK YOU SCRABBLE!!!
The Second Definition...
Møh•Nü•Ûng) N.: When someone, through words, indicates the... uh, thing that the thing represents... that they... were talking about just now. Did I just write that? Ehh, you know what I mean.
Example: In Scrabble, I was meaning to put down "Zoology" but that damn Johnny beat me to it. I had all the letters, guys, look! Just look at em, I just needed a Z, G, L, and 3 O's and I woulda done it! I was meaning to, okay? Guys, give me half of Johnny's points and we'll call it even.
The Third Definition...
Example: When I went to see the guru at the top of the mountain, all he could do was wave his right hand and say, "The way to greatness is not through the wheat... but through the pasture." That slight gesture and those 8 words had so much meaning that I couldn't control myself. After I soiled my pants with feces of enlightenment, the medicine man waved his other hand and said, "The way to meaning is not through the heart... but through the corpuscles." This second meaningful meaning of meaning meant so much to me that I couldn't control myself, and my heart imploded under the significance of the meaning, which, in itself, had so much meaning that the medicine man was obliged to wave both of his hands, clap, rub his nipples, and say, "The way to understanding and meaning is through the mind... not through the toes. Beware the flowers, for although they look pretty, they will just make you gay. Do not stop for the two-legged badger, for he will lead you in CIRCLES." And even though the medicine man knew the meaning of everything... including meaning, he still could not beat Johnny at Scrabble!! FUCK YOU SCRABBLE, YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!!!
The Fourth Definition...
Mü•Nπ•Íng) Adj.: The meaning of something that is subliminal, and just out of reach, or when something is rapidly at you without your awareness.
Example: If some diligent reader would extract every 17th letter in this article, they would find that this is actually a treatise on SMOKING CRACK AND WORSHIPPING SATAN. However, if one extracted every 18th letter, one would find a delicious recipe for smoked Salmon almondene. This article has a liberal, conservative, and moderate bias and would be considered offensive to every single person on the planet if they only knew. Every single picture on this page contains a subtle racist message implying that all Native Americans are medicine men. The constitution of the United States, if read backwards, extols the virtues of worshipping the ancient demon-god Bhaal and EATING BABIES. The "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series is actually a nightmare of blood and horror if one reads the book backwards and skips every 9th letter. In the game of Scrabble, if one actually took the time to
unscrabble unscramble the tiles, one would find that Scrabble is actually a huge anagram for groping waitresses at dirty restaurants. That's how sick they are. Johnny makes me fuckin' SICK. Everyone makes me sick, especially you, "dear reader"... you ASS.
The Fifth Definition...
Mø•Nü•Íng) N.: A thing that happens at murder mystery dinner parties and ancient temples of the "Far East". This definition of meaning is the most meaningful, and is the most used definition. It includes at least one of the following meaningful body movements:
Winks: Winks are probably the most meaningful of ALL body movements. According to the scientists at MIT, Winks contain at least 7 levels of meaning depending on where they are used and how many people are involved. In Scrabble, winking doesn't carry many points, even though you had all the fucking letters!!!
- For example, if there are 3 people involved in winking in the parlor and two of them are women, the first three levels of meaning are obvious. The first level is sarcasm, indicating that the first woman is winking just to be sarcastic on what was previously said. The second level is a comment on all of English society and indicates that winks, in themselves, are part of English society. The third level is a comment on the other two winks, and is a reflection on the whole conversation. The fourth level indicates that the winking has gotten out of hand. The fifth level is ironic and is used to comment on the first two levels, meaning that winking is, of course, part of upper-class English society, but also that they don't care. The sixth level is there to confuse the other two "winkers" as they are professionally known and to score points with the judges. The seventh level is a comment on the sixth level, and is also ironic and sarcastic at the same time.
Nods: Without a doubt, nods are the most meaningful of ALL body movements. Some nods in the Far-East have been known to contain 77 levels of meaning.
- Nods in the Far-East, especially at Ninja Academies, where nodding is the norm, are usually so full of meaning that white-belts and foreigners will have to be led out of the building after being stunned. One of the most famous examples of nods was performed at the Temple of St. DuJitsu in the Himalayas by the ancient master Tim. From one nod to his assistant, Tim conveyed the message that, not only was he leaving the temple, but also that the assistant was to take over, that the lawn needed to be mowed, that he sensed trouble on the horizon, and the current temperature and windspeed among many many other things too deep and meaningful to be mentioned, including the fact that Tim's mother was sick and needed to be taken to the hospital.
Glances: Glances are by far the most meaningful of ALL body movements. A simple glance consists of 7 body movements, and can convey 777 levels of meaning if used properly.
- One of the most meaningful glances ever conceived was by Lady Smorfington in 1889. Her one glance, now considered a Mega-Glance, proved too powerful for the other members of the Scrabble tournament. This mega-glance consisted of 77 eye movements, 77 facial expressions, and 77 deep and meaningful eye-slash-face interactions. It was, according to Lord Snugglebottom, "The most incredible glance I have thus far received, and I have received glances across the world." The glance was, reportedly, caused after Johnny put down the word "Zoology" and caused an uproar. Lady Smorfington knew the significance of the event, and in one glance not only disrupted the game, but disrupted the evening as well. Her face was, to quote Lord Snugglebottom, "A flurry of meaningful winks, nods, blinks, snorts, lip curls, eye brow raises, and frowns, each with, at my count, at least 7 levels of meaning." The glance itself lasted 40 minutes and conveyed the entire range of human emotion plus four emotions known only to rattlesnakes and one known only to bald eagles. The glance was so intense that Lady Smorfington's face could no longer convey the emotion of jealousy afterwards. Johnny, who was sitting across the table, was so mesmerized by all the levels of meaning that he could no longer enjoy his bourbon. Johnny still won the game though, much to the chagrined winks and nods of the other guests. FUCK YOU SCRABBLE! FUCK YOUUUU!!!
Nudges: Nudges can be used by even the noobiest of noobs to convey the stupidest of meanings. Compared with winks and nods, nudges are just plain retarded. They're retarded, okay? If winking is the filet mignon of meaning, then nudging is spam. If nodding is the king of meaning, then nudging is the chamberpot scrubber. If meaning means anything, then don't read too much into nudging. Nudging is stupid, and you should only attempt it if you don't have the energy to wink.
Nipple Rubbing: Before meaning, nipple rubbing was used by cavemen to signal to their mates that it was humping time, or, as modern man would have it, "teH SEXXORZ". Nipple rubbing in the modern era is used to convey something not as harsh as SexXXorz, yet not as subtle as French kissing.
Mustache Twirling: Mustache Twirling can only have one meaning, that the person who committed the twirling is hatching a plot. At it's height, it was used 25 times per hour in the 1920's by people wearing top hats.
Now that you know what meaning is, you can confuse and bewilder your enemies into submission. Be careful that you don't read too little into this article. Every sentence in this article, for your information, has three levels of meaning, just so that you really "get it". If you're playing Scrabble, the most asshole game of all time, be sure to have this article near you and challenge the
...of every word played. FUCK YOU SCRABBLE YOU ASS!