From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Thanks to the increased average weight of Americans, their armed forces struggle to recruit people skinny enough to fit into the relatively confined spaces found in airplanes, tanks and aircraft carriers.
In a terrorist plot to assassinate their rivals in the fast food industry, McDonald's launched a weapon of mass destruction called McPatent which drops a bomb on all of their competitors and gives McDonald's the exclusive rights to the secret of making a sandwich, which is the USian slang for a sloppy hamburger all greasy and full of harmful chemicals and junk to make it addictive. Oh yeah the patented the spilling hot coffee on your lab as well to counter sue old ladies that spill coffee on their lap via drive through lanes for patent infringement.
Boasting billions and billions served, McDonald's is also well known for its "food" although some believe that McDonald's is just a hardware store others believe that what they are selling is actually edible. Silly I know.
McDonalds back in the day
Founded in 1955, McDonalds aimed to provide semi-quality food and semi-quality service at prices so low that people failed to realize how bad the stuff they were eating was. The western world, apparently more than content with sub-mediocrity, proceeded to make McDonalds one of the most popular establishments serving something that could pass for food.
Its vast popularity was, in fact, aided by a secret Turkish agency created around the same time the Cold War died out. It helped fund a McDonald's restaurant in the rain forest which locals quoted "Ain't got no style" and "It tastes like McShit", possibly caused by the high levels of sloths which were employed there.
- The big M stands for murder as they kill off unfortunate customers with unhealthy food and additives... or come at you with a chainsaw.
McCustomers McHearts stop beating after being clogged up with McFat from the McBeef, McChicken and other McPoison they serve there.
McCustomers McBrains stop thinking after the McAdditives clog up blood vessels in their brains causing strokes. Some survive this ordeal but can't reason properly afterwards. Therefore they fail to see they shouldn't eat yet more of the McRubbish.
The process of preparing a Big Mac goes like this:
- The poorly-paid-employee (P.P.E.) arrives, gets his apron on and goes to the kitchen to prepare the most successful of McDonald's' hamburgers, the Big Mac.
- P.P.E. is then McBeaten and McWhipped by the managerial McStaff.
- Due to being worried about how much of his McSalary is going to be left after he pays the gas bill and for gasoline for his shitty Ford pick-up, P.P.E. forgets to put his gloves on.
- He notices other P.P.E.'s dropped bread on the floor in the previous day, in their hurry to finish the burgers. Following McDonald's economic policy, he gets the bread from the floor and starts cooking it.
- P.P.E. then takes a huge dump and, using his unwashed hands, shapes it to look like the beef.
- After the beef's done cooking, P.P.E. looks for the lettuce, but there's no lettuce. He goes to the garden outside the restaurant, yanks a leaf from a bush of posion ivy
- P.P.E. looks for tomatoes, but there's no tomatoes. He orders a pizza from Domino's, plucks the tomatoes off of it and piles them in the burger.
- P.P.E. grabs the cheddar and puts it on the meat, but he puts too much. He proceeds to spread it on the meat with his bare hand, then licks his fingers.
- P.P.E needs to go to the bathroom.
- P.P.E. doesn't mind the after-shit sticking to his fingers and gets back to work.
- P.P.E. fetches the bread and puts it over the meat, lettuce, tomatoes and cheddar. He notices the bread looks kinda dead and old. He masturbates and sperms on it and, with his recently-licked index finger, polishes the bread surface.
- Due to not having eaten in days to save his salary, P.P.E. drools all over the sandwich, adding spit and making it more shiny.
- P.P.E. puts the finished sandwich on one of the boxes with "Big Mac" written on them.
- P.P.E. then goes to Burger King and buys their fries and puts it next to the "Big Mac" only to stick a McDonalds sticker on at the last moment.
- P.P.E. starts the process all over again.
- Seconds later P.P.E.'s brain A Splode and his lifeless corpse is shoved into a meat dicing machine and then use his meat in their burgers.
- The bastards at the McDonald's hire a new retard to take P.P.E.'s place.
- The cycle is finally complete!
- Matt Edmond's grease is an important role in the making of McDonald products. His grease contains that of old sweet Canadian grease. From his sweat of failure from playing hockey, the grease sticks onto him as does misery from his parents beatings of being a failure. Live on Matt's grease for you shall keep this nation obese and slightly greasy.
Though small, the monopolization capability of this operation is formidable, thanks to a long-running civil war with rival Mom and Pop Hardee's. Rather than resorting to conventional bloody warfare, McDonald's leaders (Ronald McDonald and No One) use hidden subliminal messages in TV advertisements to entice the opposition to their "restaurants" for further brainwashing.
McSassination AttemptsMany attempts have been made on Ronald's life, many involving other food corporations. One of the most famous was when arch rival Burger King fired a shotgun filled with two pounds of AIDS infected meat into Ronald's face. KFC have also made an attempt to kill Ronald by throwing a knife into his head. On one occasion, a high school student attempted to sabotage Ronald's daily kitten-huffing by replacing the kitten with an irate cat. The numerous scratches on his face cost Ronald thousands of dollars in face paint to cover. The tyrant and leader of fast food hunted the teen down and forced him to ingest an incredibly fattening (and slightly hypnotic) Ultra-Sized Big Mac. The poor soul died less than five minutes from a heart attack induced by eating everything on the menu at the local McDonald's. Another attempt happened at a Wal*Mart in Boston. A man dressed as a Wal*Mart greeter planned on killing Ronald as he was beginning to cut the ribbon to open a new Wal*Mart McDonald's. The fake greeter pulled out a Glock and screamed out, "Sic Semper Tyranous!." Before the murderous greeter could fire, an extremely fat McDonald's fan tackled the armed man with his massive gut. Surrounded by screaming fans Ronald McDonald was quickly escorted by his body guards to his McLimo. When Wal*Mart security pulled the fat hero off the gunman the sight was horrible. The assassin's body was crushed and dislocated with his Glock in his open palm. The fat man that saved the day was awarded free McDonald's for life. Apparently as two days went past the fat man died of a heart attack inside the new opened McDonalds. Police soon found out the reason why the armed man wanted to kill Ronald McDonald. At a McDonald's down the road he wanted breakfast but they quit serving breakfast at 10:30 rather than 11:00 which sparked the gunman's vengeful anger toward the franchise.
What Is Being McDone About The Obesity Epidemic?
A supersized man from West Virginia called Bill Clinton produced a film called 'Super Size Me', in which he lives on nothing but McDonald's food for thirty days straight. Thin people try and use the film as an incentive to fat people that you need to lose weight. The film demonstrates that if you don't want to pace around your flat in the middle of the night, or vomiting in a McDonald's car park after spending the best part of 23 minutes eating their food - then stop eating McDonald's every day.
Morgan is also developing a second film: Super Toy Me, in which he gets his parents to buy him the latest toy every day for thirty days straight. There are rules: 1. They must only visit Toys R You 2. They mustn't leave the store without buying a bottle of bubble-blowing fluid 3. His parents must buy him an Popsicle and an MP3 player, as well as the latest James Blunt CD. And a Playstation. 4. No excuses.
The McLegacy of Ronald McDonald
Main article: Ronald McDonald
The process in which you stuff McNuggets down your McThroat so fast that one gets McStuck, thus causing your McMom to sue McDonalds. Everyone McWins in the end! McSatan then comes down and kills all...
Over 600 strokes have been reported each year all over the world from McDonald's Big Mac and double cheeseburgers. Chicken Legends are legends... only for chicken surgery and death
Apparently, according to 200 men from Japan, the quarter pounders will give you an erectile dysfunction and high blood pressure, resulting in no more boners because you can't take Viagra.
McDonald's has now gotten a McDriveby
The McDonald's McDrive-thru generally consists of:
- Near the drive through sign, they sell McBazookas just in case the freakin' McEmployee screws up your order one too many McTimes, so you can shoot the McSenses out of them.
- A McGlass covered plaque listing 500 menu items in half inch letters visible only to the driver
- A walkie talkie in a black box for customers to McScrew-up their own order from.
- A McWireless-headset through which McEmployees can McScrew-up the McCustomer's McOrder (which the McCustomer has already McScrewed-Up)
- One or more windows where customers can play guessing games as to which one he should go to to pay for his order
- Tiny McDriving lines so that the McCustomer can get McFood and scrape the McCrap out of his McHubcaps
- A Frame consisting of McSteel pipes to limit the height of your McVehicle to two McFeet.
- A flat screen McColorMonitor to display your order and to take your anger out on in case they McKeep screwing up.
- In its its McNatural habitat, you may find a McCustomer inching slowly through the McDrive-thru, honking its McHorn or flashing its McHeadligts at the freakin' McSUV in front of it. In rare cases, some individuals have reportedly spotted a McSpecimen giving said McSUV the dreaded "MiddleMcFinger".
- A few "special order" spots when they McForce you to drive to the dunce slot, and decide whether or not to deliver your messed up McOrder
- A parking bay in which you can McWait while workers McMake it their McLife's McAmbition to McScrew up your McOrder.
- Illiterate retards with the mental capacity of a common McField mouse take your order, and ultimately screw it up to the point where you only get napkins and a used McStraw.
- After all that, they still have a McAnvil thrown on the employee McHead by a McPissed off costumer.
How it McWorks
McDonalds has moved its headquarters around a lot, but finally settled down in Mordor, which he won from Sauron in a poker match. He then employed KFC, made him grow a beard, and renamed him Gandalf. There have been many attacks on them by over hyped Hippies attempting to stop the 'bovine slaying'. They dubbed themselves the fellowship, and staged many attacks on Mt.D.O.O.M.- Duping. Obese. all Over. Mordor. While they were on their Adventure, Ronald ordered the Shire to be bulldozed to make room for pastures and soy fields.
The First Ronald
The first Ronald is thought to have been birthed from an egg somewhere in the depths of Hell. He was adopted by a down-and-out circus, who taught him how to make food out of old gum and raccoons. Ronald used these skills throughout his life, constantly getting fired from restaurants for trying to mix in some of the technique.
The KFC Rebellion
After years of being McDonald's top chef, KFC started getting sick of working in 110 Degree weather, which was only amplified by constantly working over a stove. Behind Ronald's back, KFC sold out McMordor's rights to Peter Jackson, who funded The Hippies, giving two short guys, Sam and some loser called Frodo the biggest objective in the quest, to destroy the Ring of Diet; when worn, you would stay forever thin. To destroy Ronald, who had turned himself into a giant firiiiiiiieeee eye for reasons currently unknown, they would have to throw it into the Pit of Boiling Fat, which vaguely resembled lava.
During the attack, KFC cut his beard, also for reasons unknown. They met Golem, the first of many victims to fall under the power of Ronald. When they reached the Pit of Boiling Fat, Frodo was seduced by the Ring of Diet, so Sam pushed him into the "Lava". Golem got a job as a Liposuction Spokesperson, and the Hippies were forever happy.
How it McREALLY works
The order process REALLY happens like this:
- You pull up to the drive through, usually behind a mini-van full of fat people who arbitrarily order everything on the menu in triplicate...
- Two Hours later - Daddy Fat finally manages to push the gas pedal, and moves away from the speaker, straining his mini-van's engine in the process.
- You pull up and wait to be helped.
- You wait...
- You get your head out the window. "What the fuck's going on?!" you say. You hear silence.
- In Frustration you yell at no-one at start banging your fists on the car and cry like a faced baby.
- You keep crying.
- You slowly wipe your tears and wait until you are served... again.
- "THNKYFRCHSNMCDNLDSTKYRORDER" someone blares at you. You jump back in your seat and hit your head on the car.
- Getting your act together, You decide that they probably said.."Thank you for choosing McDonald's may I take your order please." so you commence to order. "GIMMEONESEC" they blare again.
- You hit your head again. "AGGH!" you scream.
- You're waiting...
- "Common already..!"
- "THNKSOMUCHAGAINFURCHOUSINGUS" They blare at you. Before you can interpret what the guy just said he yells in the mic "MAYIEHAEFEYURORDRE".
- Embarrassed... You finally manage to tell the dude that you want a #1 with Extra Big Mac Sauce (having no prior warning that the fry-cook's name is actually Big Mac) and you're told to pull up to the SEVENTY SECOND window.
- The first window is always closed, and hence you actually have to pull up to the SECOND window. You notice that there are three windows, which explains why the order-taker was confused. Very understandable.
- You get your food and you ask for ketchup. You receive A ketchup.
- You ask for some more ketchup, and following a glare, you receive one more ketchup.
- You say you want more ketchup, and the manager is called.
- "Suh ah cayan onleh geev you too mahr keeshups." says the manager. You interpret that as being "Sir I can only give you two more ketchups". You agree that two more is all you need.
- Having had such a pleasant experience you come back again the next day.
- Not to be confused with physical exercise
McDonalds is the only fast food restaurant that combines exercise with its ads for fatty foods. The program uses the motions of pigging out at a rapid pace designed to promote fitness. The one minute workouts also entail some arm flapping motions and hopping around.
Mainly targeted towards children, the average "commercial-cise" enables the child to work off four fries, one chicken McNugget, two bites of a hamburger, and three pickles. To work off combo #8 would require 1856 McDonald's commercial workouts.
A petition is currently being drafted requesting a separate queue in all McDonald Stores for mothers of young children.
Why the stress? I hear you say. If it was a request for six Big Mac meals I wouldn’t bat an eye. However, you and I both know what happens next - you’ve seen it. "I SEEN UM!!!" First off the oik behind the counter will start to assemble the meals, suddenly realize that the fry vat has cooled off between rush hours, and rather than heating the refried oil to its one thousandth carcinogenic re-heating, instructs you to pull up to a vague unmarked area somewhere between the newspaper machines and play land where you are made to wait 25 minutes for your fast food.
At long last the fat lumbers out the side door with one happy meal sized bag and a sweaty gallon sized cup of tea which he magnanimously waves above the driver's window. At this point you roll down the window, snatch the oil spotted bag, then proceed to park your inconvenienced party of twelve into the nearest parking space and physically enter "the MCDONALDS".
Hell hath no fury like a drive-through customer screwed. Physically confronting them with the face of the screwed over customer is like sharing your name and favorite color with the bank robber. You have put a human face on their fuck up and they have no choice but to look you in the eye, say "I'm sorry for being a sorry incompetent ass", and here's your full order complete with napkins, straws, ketchup, and a printed out receipt.
It’s a small thing to ask for really. A separate queue for people ordering two or more happy meals.
- For definition, please see
McDonald's customers are the most patient, tolerant, long suffering human beings on earth. First they start with saying "no thank you" to ketchup, salt, today's special, today's special dessert, and a set of four Hobbit glasses, "but please include straws this time," but once they find out that the customer is always right," they make orders like, "Use REAL beef the same size as the BUN, oh and please don't reheat the 12:30 leftovers and pass it off as fresh. No crusty edges on the McMuffin egg please! Oh and two and a HALF pieces of cheese. MELTED NOT LIMP. And a slice of tomato! Beefsteak! Extra onions! HUMAN EYEBALL! Oh and burn the bread! Burn everything! Because I like my E.Coli black and ashy, same goes for salmonella and if it ain't burnt to a damned crisp, I ain't eatin' it! Oh and if I make reservations in advance, would it be possible to get a table that isn't covered in crumbs and sesame seeds ya lazy ass?"
And God forbid the employees forget the pickles! The average patient as a saint McCustomer at this point will throw away the burger, and scream into the heavens "I WANT MY McPICKLES BITCH!!!" until the poor McMexican at the grill understands his gringo McCoworkers are telling him to make another McMothafuckin' burger.
As of today, McDonald's is run by a vicious clown of a McMan whose name is McDonald Trump. He is the man that all new McRecruits must see, most commonly in another part of the world altogether in order to save himself from assassination attempts. If McDonald Trump is not impressed by the small hopeful McPerson, just looking to scrape up the most meager of a McSalary, he will give them a thumbs down, say "You're fried," and drop them into a vat of boiling McGrease, hidden beneath the floor. They later are melted into Secret Sauce. McDonald Trump has also petitioned the federal government to give McDonald's permission to breed robert birds, a dangerous animal, and succeeded. However, Mr. Trump accidentally mixed Robert birds with chickens, causing a huge casualty of chickens. Now he has set up a new stock farm that is exclusively for keeping Robert birds.
Among McEvil's many aspirations for the planet mostly include taking over it. It already has the USA under control creating the fattest nation on the planet with 6 million people super atomic mega obese or unbelievably over weight. It continues to grow all over the world and it will until the McDonalds faction constructs its infamous golden arches monument stretching half the planets length. The monument will light up like a lightbulb turning Earth into a giant McDonald's sign where over the past few decades, McDonald's have been constructing its empire all over the solar system. They will turn the solar system into a giant interstellar restaurant beginning the step by step operation of taking over the universe. Soon, aliens will start to consume McDonald's and get fat. That's their master plan folks. It too late for us Americans to stop McDonald's but people in France and other European countries have taken steps to not meet the same fate. The McDonald's takeover has also begun in the Middle East. Perhaps its biggest fan over there/here, Osama bin Laden, who was inevitably killed by McDonald's food (but the US Navy SEALS took the credit) had been reported eating a Big Mac in one of his videos along with a Diet Coke, moments before he fell off the top of his compound due to a heart attack, and was shot in the head by a crazy duck-hunter with a shotgun.