“Better than Galway.”
~ Encyclopædia Britannica on County Mayo

County Mayo, officially The Catholic Republic of Mayo or The Shavage Shtate (in Irish: Poblacht Chaitliceach Maigh Eo), is an autonomous region within the Republic of Ireland. It is named after mayonnaise. Mayo is on the west coast of Ireland and until the discovery of America was at the very edge of civilisation, (this is obvious in the natives' savage and uncouth ways). It is Ireland's third largest county but has a tiny population of under 100 settled people but up to 96,573 transient travellers.


Political map of Ireland - Mayo

Political map of Ireland. Try to find Waldo.

Irish Cottage

Typical Mayo suburb

The earliest inhabitants of Mayo lived at the Ceide Fields near Ballycastle. They cut down so many trees they destroyed the landscape turning the fertile land into bog and dooming Mayo to centuries of emigration and famine. These people migrated to Ballina and now run the local chamber of commerce and town council.

Archeologists at a former site of Hardly Normal, once a thriving shop here in the Republic of Mayo, a small independant state situated in mid Atlantic, close to the sea, were delighted to discover stone tablets, never seen before and believed to have been used by the natives of Mayo (Pop;748) as recently as the 20th Century. It outlined, amongst other things, how a population explosion had occured overnight in the capital of Mayo, Castlebar, when six Dubliners arrived and said they were staying, An emergency session of the Mayo Ruling Council was immediately callled. Three months later they reached a decision to allow the Dublin Six to stay. The make-shift Immigration Camp will remain in place, they decided, in case there is another influx of Dubs. The Dublin Six will be housed in Padraig's old cottage which has been idle for 400 years, it was decided. The land will remain in the hands of the Ruling Council however.

This new find, coupled with the discovery last year of ancient writing on a wall at what is thought to be a former Dunne's Stores has made world news. Experts are still baffled by the script, but some are convinced that the script ( =u>K +FF (ulchi+e <as*ards) is a reference to an ancient power base called Fianna Fáil which disappeared from the Catholic Republic of Mayo centuries ago, when a battle took place on Carnagh Beach between them and a vaguely known group called, Fine Gale, which means Hot Wind. Excitment mounted on the streets of Castlebar, (pop:22) when news broke. The policeman had to get the excited crowd which consisted of 16 priests, 3 nuns and Briget, Joe and their twins, who by law are counted as one person to form an orderly queue. The 2000 pubs were open all day in celebration, as were the 4330 catholic churches.

There were rumours that the 3rd. secret of Lourdes was also found on one of the tablets. This however was unfounded, but despite this a mob of 4 descended on the archeological dig and attacked the archeoligists with a pitchfork, a rosary beads and a priest. The Tablet in question turned out to be a recipe for something called Bernadette's Secret Recipe: How to make your own Lourdes Water and work from home: Guaranteed income for life. When it was explained to the mob exactily what it said the riot broke out again. Paddy Joe the butcher and Joe the Woe Manning both claimed that said Bernadette was their daughter who had died when she was an infant, thus the recipe belonged to them. When it was explained that the Tablet was probably 2,000 years old, both the men said their family are renowned for their long lives. The circuit court will decide the matter in Turlough at its next session there in January 2017. We eagerly await the outcome.

Later Grace O'Malley ruled the county and is ironically remembered as an Irish hero despite the fact she fought alonside the British against Irish rebels. Many men from the county fought in the 1798 rebellion but lost because pitch-forks and sods of turf were not effective against cannons, muskets or common sense. Mayo lost 90% of its population during the Great Famine and another 90% emigrated during the 1950s.


The recession had unusual effects in Mayo

The county's autonomous status was guaranteed by a series of referendums during the mid-1990s. Shortly after Mayo lost two All-Ireland finals in a row resulting in a mass suicide, an event repeated in 2004, 2006, 2012, 2013 and in 2014.

Mayos fertile valleys

In 2009 Mayo was gripped by an epidemic of crime in which 500 people died resulting in the monicker 'Stab County'(see also Limerick). These were the first murders in Mayo since 2004 when Paidraig Nally killed a Traveller and was rewarded with the freedom of Ballinrobe and the Nobel Peace Prize.


Hard for Europe - Enda Kenny

Our brave leader

It was decided that Mayo was to be omitted from the OSD maps as it was the only communist state remaining in Ireland after 1999. It is ruled over by the tyrannical dictator Enda Kenny who has held Mayo in his brutal iron fist of repression since the late 1970s. Anybody found to have in any way undermined the rule of Kenny is seized from their home by his followers (known as Blueshirts) and brought to his home in Islaneady where they mecilessly tortured. Plans are well underway to blow up the bridge at Achill Sound and use the Island to house all the Knackers/Convicts/Polacks from Ballina. The Project XXXAchillXXX will be completed by March 2011. Stage one of the project was in late November 2010 where the bridge was closed for a few hours with full funding from the Goverment.

The climate of Mayo is a delightful mix of any of the following; Rain and drizzle: Lashing down out of the heavens or pissing down. Out of 365 days a year one can almost guarantee that there will be a precipitation for at least 490 of those days. One Sunday, 123 years ago it did not rain at all bringing such consternation to the populace; 35 at that time that an emergency drought order was put in place. A ban on hosepipes was ordered and all fountains had to be turned off. This event was recorded on the stone tablets discovered beneath the Hardly Normal Store in Castlebar 60 years ago.


An aircraft on the Knock-Luton route

Mayo contains two centres of pilgrimage, Croagh Patrick which is a pagan site that is for reason visited by Catholics, and Knock, a small village whose inhabitants fooled people into believing the Virgin Mary had appeared there. They followed this by building an airport in the middle of a bog which is named Knock Airport despite the fact its between Charlestown and Kilkelly.

Most of Mayo consists of wild bog and mountain and is completely uninhabited except by sheep and savage cannibalistic tribes such as the O'Malley's of Clare Island, Nalleys of Ballinrobe and Flynns from the capital city Castlebar City. Many geographers have attempted to explore the county but few have escaped unharmed. Because of this most maps of Ireland do not give any details of the county merely stating 'There be dragons'.


"Mayoish" is a strange dialect confusing to outsiders. It consists of a nonsensical string of mispronounced English, occasional words of Irish origin, and some words clearly just made up by the speaker as they go along. In Mayoish "s" is turned to "sh" like 'shlurry'. A common greeting among speakers is the phrase 'Hows are Things' or alternatively the word 'Well' and 'Schan!'. Another unusual feature of the language is the tendency to add 'een' onto the names of items or creatures to suggest they are dimunative in size; for example 'dogeen', 'houseen', or 'girleen'. Also, a notable characteristic in Mayoish is the tendency to add the letter 'h' to words where unneccesshary.

Some areas of Mayo are in the Gaeltacht. In Tourmakeady, Connacht Irish is spoken but in Achill Island and Belmullet a bastardised mixture of Connacht Irish and Ulster Irish is spoken just to confuse everyone.


Paidraig Nally

Mayo folk-hero Paidraig Nally

Demographically, the county is most well-know for its one-person-rule. This rule, similar to the Chinese one-child-rule, makes it illegal for anything except exactly one person to be in the county at any one time. Consequently, population numbers have risen dramatically since the Great Famine of 1845-49, caused by the temporary closure for renovation of the county's sole McDonalds. The several Supermacs and Blue Thunders in the county helped alleviate this problem.

Most Mayo people actually live outside Mayo particularly in England, New York, Dublin, or Galway. In fact most people in Galway city are actually from Mayo or Roscommon -True Galwegians are almost non-existent. In recent times Australia and even Sweden has played host to Mayo migrants well known for their sense of craic and fightin' .

The main centres of population in the country are the citys of Castlebar, Ballina and Westport. Ballina is known for its large population of knackers who steal food out of local bins and use the laneways for a toilet. Ballina has recently had a new road structure introduced by 2 of the smurfs, This is to encourage Ballina people to shop in Castlebar City. A border war has been running between Mayo and Roscommon over the town of Ballaghaderreen which is claimed by both counties but no-one wants. The city of Belmullet is reputed to exist but this has yet to be confirmed, people claiming to live there have been known to go missing for months on end with no trace, and employers wondering where their staff have gone to. stories of UFO sightings have been rubbished by local T.D Michael RingSting as being propoganda from Lord Lucan

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Drinking is a serious issue among all Mayo people

Perhaps the most famous city in Mayo is Castletown formerly known as Swinford,(beal atha na muice)(shithole)home to Eddie Durkan and Buzz McDonnell. Recently a documentary entitled 'Hardy Bucks' aired on British television which gave an insight in the lives of Mayo people by following Eddie ans Buzz as they went about their daily business. Frequently they find their lives interfered with by 'The Viper' a mysterious figure with delusions of grandeur who causes mischief in the town apparently unaware his mother has worms.


A recent technology boom, focusing on the production of fire, wheels and wooden poking instruments, has lifted employment in the once impoverished economy. Centred mainly in the high-rise metropolis districts of Castlebar and Ballina, these industrial development has changed the face not only of these regions but many out-lying areas also. Unemployment now runs at a record low of 84.3% of males over 16. Women are disallowed from ordinary paid employment. Sex, discovered by two cousins during a farming accident last year, provides the only source of income for many.


Mayo folk are known for their general sturrdiness and fondness of fightin and rollin around.


A friendly Garda helping an Erris native out of a ditch.

The women of Mayo are notoriously easy (not on the eye) and frequently attend Copper Face Jacks in Dublin looking for some "Wavin". The men of the country are mostly sleazy men who sit at the bar wearing leather jackets commenting on the amount of 'young talent' there is to be found.



Mayos footballers involved in a skillful display

Mayos hurling record is poor mainly because the technology required to make hurls is not available. However its footballers have been very successful winning every All-Ireland title since 1951, A few exceptions include in 1989 when the team fell foul to a mild dose of smallpox, Famously the Republic became enthralled in a Home and Away storyline involving Uncle Alf during the 1996 final the bandw, In 1997 the team famously were branded shite by Pat Spillane on live TV this didn't help the teams efforts against his own County, in 2004 when the Country was too busy celebrating Ramadan and in 2006 when the Kerry Team put Laxitives in their tea before the match leaving many of the Mayo Players missing off the pitch for long periods of time. In 2012 Donegal's All Ireland tune was so catchy Mayo had to let them win. Little did people know "Jimmy's winning matches" referred to Jimmy McGuinness and not Jimmy Horan, In 2013 The Dublin team won after the team remained shook after being held captive by Ballaghastan terrorists ("Some fight for silver, Some fight for gold, Some fight for 'Ballagh those Rossie bastards stole".) and most recentally in 2014 Big Mick Barrett from Castlebar was involved in a pitch invasion. The players knowing Big Mick is their no 1 fan decided it would be unfair if he missed the final win, so they lost it. Noel & Pat take the reigns for the 2015 season knowing only a win will make Big Mick proud. The team used to be managed by a nobody Blue-shirt John O'Mahoney who is from Kilmovee/Ballaghaderreen/Cant decide and who is also a TD. By seizing control of both politics and sport he hoped to eventually take control of the country in a bloody coup as he secretly hates Blue-shirt leader Enda Kenny, brother of the less attractive Kenny from South Park and Pat Kenny who denies he has any connection with Mayo.

Among the most prominent players in the county is Conor Mortimer, known for his love of Michael Jackson, his perfect spelling, his safe driving, ability to write fiction and his extreme modesty. Other famous players include Willie Joe Padden who struck so much fear into Galwegians that they "hadn't a hope of batein Mayo", Aidan O'Shea and his acting talent on The Republic Of Telly as well as Ciaran McDonald who is well known for hid luscious blonde locks as his superb footballing ability.

The King Of The Town competition as shown on the documentary series The Hardy Bucks is nearly in every city and town of the Republic.

The Achill Sheep Show and Mullranny Sheep Show has a sheep shearing competition in which competitiors are forced to mow sheep with lawnmowers is a proffesional sport Resulting in painful sheep the competitions are sponsored by Carrols Ciggeretes

The new Achill-Westport bypass motorway cost the Council 455million it took 5 years to build and was deemeed unsafe to use as the road was too thin and the Mullranny Bridge massacre which seen the Bridge gave way after local Farmer Paddy Tom Sunny Eddie Cafferkey-Boyle-Potter-Ibrahamovic brought his Donkey and cart accross the Bridge he was on his way to the Mart in CastletownThe Greenway as it is now called is now used by cyclists and walkers alike and a stage of Le Tour de Mayo is held there every year.