Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/May

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May 1: National Whoopy-Doo It's May Day / Piss your boss off day / Oy Oy Oy! Men Hot unz tsebrojn dem Tujes day in Israel.

Beginning of Time - May invented as 61 day long April deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
First ever May 1: Outdoor fucking starts.
984 - Ethelred II, ever-unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully lick Norway's butt hole. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today WAS a good day to die.
1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together.
1886 - Several syndicalist are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off?
1911 - People in some gay country dance around some gay pole.
1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
1953 - Mary Hackenblower of Orangeville, Maryland brings cupcakes to school on her birthday.
1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the Coach Cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
1994 - Wile E. Coyote finally catches Road Runner. Coyote is grief-stricken, attempts suicide by falling off cliff and slowly plummeting ultimately striking ground in puff of smoke.
2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
2002 - Jimmy Kensington is found out to still wet his bed, even though he's a Third-Grader.
2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George ran away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeded to spank them both.
2008 - What the fuck?
2009 - Dom has two big tests, is getting moved up English classes to where the bullies are and is getting let out late of class.
2011 - Bin Laden officially loses hide and seek.
2012 - Dogs deemed 'unfit for purpose' by God inc. Replaced by alligators.
2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own...Ah shit!

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May 2: Leper Kissing Day in Romania, Throw live babies into the ocean day (Japan)

483 BC - Gautama Buddha dies, having finally achieved his lifetime best score on Pac-man. Only to have his score be beaten one minute later by God
20 AD - Jesus Kisses First Leper
1390 - Chaucer invents the toaster.
1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
1856 - Carbon-dating shows that fire was actually invented by Google.
1876 - Behind schedule, the April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria.
1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
1936 - God declares linear progression of time 'boring' and bans it. Confusing nonsense ensues.
1942 - Mick Jagger is born and immiediately finds he cant get no satisfaction, oh no no.
1985 - Leg warmers officially registered 'unfashionable' by United Nations.
1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following the trade embargo imposed by the Council for Fresh Air.
2015 - Afghanistan wins the World Cup in Quidditch, beating the Robotic ghost pirates 40 - 0.

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May 3: World Fungal Infection Awareness Day

987AD - Beowulf discoveres that Azn is a fag.
1178 - Chuck Norris is discovered.
1242 - Jack Thompson rapes his first kitten.
1494 - Christopher Columbus invents Jamaica.
1791 - The May Constitution of Poland is proclaimed by the Polish diet, only to be promptly superceded by the Atkins Diet.
1810 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge.
1815 - Neapolitan War: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Strawberry easily defeat plain frozen yogurt.
1907 - Actress Sharon Stone develops fungal infection, the first of many.
1987 - Robert Palmer develops an unhealthy addiction to love which will eventually prove terminal. 17 years later.
1992 - Long lost ship the Titanic (disambiguation) found, un-sunken, in Jamaica
2001 - The United States loses its seat on the U.N. Human Rights Commission for the first time since the commission was formed in 1947, after ordering Burger King instead of McDonalds for lunch.
2078 - David Beckham's chocolate flavoured pants are washed up on a Mexican beach. It immediately has Swine Flu!

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May 4: Jedi New Year

321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally did.
1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
1594 - Dwarf Hunting declared illegal in France.
1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
1905 - Weebles wobble.
1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduced his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
1966 - Robin Cook appointed as Cheif Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The Director was later fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
2007 - Queen Elizabeth prepares enjoy the Kentuckistan Derby by buying a beer bong.
2009 - Jimmy Carter creates the Anti-Weeble, which never gets up off the floor. This brings chaos to the Weeble-balance and the Weeble Wars begin.

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May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

1640 - King Charles Spaniel I of England disbands the Vertically-challenged Parliament.
1775 - An early draft of the Constitution of the United States is swallowed by an elephant. The elephant dies of a bowel obstruction 23 days later.
1792 - Julius Caesar writes De Bello Gallico during the Great Time Travel War of 1871
1862 - Mexico defeats France in a drawn-out game of Risk.
1893 - New York Stock Exchange crashes, has its driving privileges suspended for a year.
1900 - Queen Victoria declares that the fish fork is henceforth the official favored piece cutlery of Great Britain.
1925 - Tennessee biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching electrocution in school; is forced to teach evolution instead.
1925 - The government of South Africa declares Those African clicky noises to be an official language.
2007 - France has elections. Ennui Wins by a Landslide.
2010 - Arizona bans the celebration of "Un-American" anniversaries.

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May 6: No Pants Day (observed)

1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Rennaisance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranetes makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also pass the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
2010 - The general election is held in the UK. Everyone loses.

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May 7: International Daintiness Day (pictured)

1274 - In France the Second Council of Lion ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2, Lions 37.
1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
1824 - Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony debuts in Austria, performed by a mute ensemble, to a deaf audience, and orchestrated by a conductor with no arms.
1877 - Oscar Wilde appears in an advertisement for Aesthetic Brand Cigars, in order to finance his first work, Vera; or, The Nihilists.
1920 - The Treaty of Moscow is signed, in which Soviet Russia agrees not to invade the nation of Georgia. It is broken six months later, when Soviet forces capture Atlanta.
1961 - Feminine ultra-spy Mrs. J is sent to Cairo, Egypt by the higher-ups at MI-5.
1967 - Pope Paul VI designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. FABULOUS!
1968 - USA Weather: Summer of Love forecasted with a 50% chance for civil unrest.
1969 - First man on moon does it in his pants the wrong way.
2010 - The General Election result is realized in the UK. Suicide rates increase 10%.view -

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May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

1359 - Pantaloons invented, could shoes with pointy tips be far behind?
1865 - First nomination of Popeye the Sailorman for sainthood turned down by the Vatican. (pictured)
1914 - Errors in year length calculations resulted in three months of 1913 being lived through all over again.
1919 - Warren G. Harding moistens finger before he fingers a page.
1924 - Holy 26th Crusade to Monterey, California is unsuccesful because of wrong navigation and ends up in Rio de Janeiro.
1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe. France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
1952 - DDT recommended as the next no-calorie sweetner.
1960 - Billy Graham Crusade Catastrophe: "Go into the fields Ruth; the rapers shall not molest you."
1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip / gold exchange rate endorsed by American government.
1989 - Bay City Rollers: We're still mad for plaid!
2012 - Lightsaber invented. An overwhelming influx of nerd-gasms cause suicide rates to triple worldwide, as auto-erotic asphyxiation takes on a new form.
2042 - The Golem device will be invented to instantly cure over-sexiness.

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May 9: Weird Types of Bear Appreciation Day (Australia - Koala Bear) (China - Panda Bear) (Canada - Bipolar Bear)

1337 - Wolverine is born, slashing his way out of his mother's womb. He was fine.
1429 - Joan of Arc entertains the English troops with a medley of show-songs from Bedknobs & Broomsticks.
1431 - Joan of Arc entertains more English troops with another medley of songs. This time from "Deadknobs and Burning-sticks" as she is set alight
1627 - Edict passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling. (pictured)
1671 - Pope Clement X is killed by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
1991 - Small, Medium, and Large complain to the United Nations, that Extra Large is abusing its position. The UN introduce sanctions, however these are withdrawn when it becomes known that size does not matter.

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May 10: Smoking Monkey Day, (Kenya); Happy Super Good Fun Smiley Day, (Japan), Step-Mothers-in-Law Day (USA)

1497 - Amerigo Vespucci invents the scooter.
1512 - The Male German Eruct Choir is founded by Johann Sebastian Mastropiero.
1865 - American Civil War: latest score 23-47, Confederates on 4th and 10, no time outs remaining.
1940 - Adolf Hitler sends the German Army to vacation in France and Belgium.
1972 - The Day the Earth stood still.
1979 - The tiny Federated States of Micronesia is accidently squashed by a hippo.
1994 - Eclipse of the Sun caused by Pamela Anderson over most of Norway.
1985 - Live Aid Concerts announced, starving Africans rejoice knowing that in twenty years time poverty will be eradicated.
2004 - Cheap Christmas trees on sale spotted in IKEA.
2005 - Live 8 Concerts announced, Bush & Blair promise this time things will be different.
2006 - National Step-Mothers-in-Law Day in the USA, organised by TAMIR (The Association for Most Ignored Relatives). They later set up National Younger Half-Brother Day, and National Grandfather's-21-Year-Old-Girlfriend Day
2006 - Africa officially on a diet, it's not hunger, see pop stars have saved the world !!
2007 - Pokemon Olive a pokemon game is supposed to come out. Buy that shit Nigga.
2008 - James Madison rises from the dead to reclaim his throne as the greatest person ever. (Other then Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris.
2037 - Young MC turns 70. Irony threatens Earth's existence.

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May 11: Printer Calibration Jubilee (Cupertino, California)

85879 BC - Yo momma became the first human to be fully evolved, or intellegently designed (whichever you prefer)
479 BC - Recto-Lube: The Brand You Love is founded in Ancient Greece.
1865 - Abraham Lincoln's corpse starts to stink really badly.
1956 - Gold Coast, a country in Africa, decides that they are Ghana, and become independent.
1983 - Scientists announce vaccine to protect against Pac-Man Fever.
1991 - AOL launches its internets service, charging $1.ooUS per week, take up is slow, as the majority of mankind had already guessed they are a hideous fraud.
1995 - The death of a generation. Countless people died.
1996 - Fox News goes on the air. Its first broadcast is a big production number of the Communist anthem The Internationale as they show how close the democrats are to the socialist party.
1998 - Nothing spectacular happens on May 11, 1998. Nothing else happens during that year, either.
2000 - Al Gore loses Survivor after the Supreme Court intervenes.
2002 - Al Gore invents Internet.
2008 - James Madison eats George Bush for breakfast, then promptly uses his spidy powers to escape

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May 12: Barry Manilow Appreciation Day, International Zombie Awareness day (US, Canada)

1854 - Outbreak of Zombie attacks, causes many deceased voters to form their own party. There was no beer and many people died.
1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide. (pictured)
1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London and sold for 3 baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship casette tape.
2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
2004 - The zombie of Walter Cronkite rises from the ground to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pagent.
2009 - The late great Dr. Emmet Brown travels back in time to warn America of the future communist dick-tater El Presidente "Bha-rock Obomb-ba" or as we know him as, Presidenture Barack Obama. No one listens to him and our fate has been sealed.
2011 - Zompocalypse. Only the nerd's were prepared as hordes of ~~Bieber Fans~~ Zombies take over the meat factories.
2012 - Star Wars Kid rolls an 8. Zombies die (for real this time).

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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)

28 – Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
29 – The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". There is much rejoicing.
402 – Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels......and there was much rejoicing.
1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
1776 – America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
1840 – Aliens land in South America again, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several decades too late. There is much rejoicing.
1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
1973 – Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
1992 – Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
2003 – Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
2005 – The god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
2008 – Dave Chappelle is sueing the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
2525 – I finally find my house keys. There is much rejoicing.
2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the Aliens. There is much rejoicing.
Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.

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May 14: Fat Guys in Spandex Festival - San Francisco, California USA.

468 BC - Sky colour declared blue by Greek philosophers.
49 BC - Sky declared grey by the Roman Republic in order to provoke the Greeks into a fight.
1953 - Sky Masterson, a character from the Musical Guys and Dolls, is played by Marlon Brando.
1973 - Skylab, the United States' first space station, is launched.
1979 - Skylight, the glass thing in my god-damned roof, is greatly expanded by Skylab's wonderful return to Earth. Dammit.
1981 - Demise of the IDA
2005 - Skynet founded by Marlon Brando, utilizing power module and microchips from a crashed Skylab, and broken glass from some guy's skylight.
2006 - Marlon Brando dies in a skydiving accident.
2007 - Bill Gates hits Puberty.
2008 - George Bush's remains still have yet to be cleaned up. The country doesn't seem to mind.
2009 - Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd declares free money for all.
2525 - I Lost my keys again :(

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May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa, patron saint of Polka

815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola discovered by Henry Cavendish. Stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
1265 - Crispin Glover knighted. Leads crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
1512 - First Running of the Bulls held in el Chicago, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway trampled in his ringside seat.
1852 - Former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow Leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
1944 - German General von Allzenheimer tells a Soviet army to "please fuck off"
1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate forming organization, decide to do it later.
1984 - The debate for the International Society of Procrastinators is postponed due to rain.
1991 - Some members of the International Society of Procrastinators plan to raise a complaint on the delay on forming organization.
1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking on criticize the Society.
2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
2006 - Several former members of the International Society of Procrastinators are founded still loitering in the hallway of the convention center where they thought the formation meeting was scheduled in 1998 -- appearently they showed up in 2002 and couldn't decide if they should leave.
2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
3045- Scientists discover LeBron James frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.

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May 16: Independence Day (New South Wales)

1204 - Baldwin IX, Count of Flanders is crowned first Emperor of the Roman Catholic Church. He declares that all people from Flanders must be named Ned and say things like "Howdy Ho Neighborino", and "Okely-dokley"
1532 - Sir Elton John resigns as a Queen of England, takes new job as a Stately Homo.
1605 - Paul V becomes Presidentof the United States of Canada.
1770 - 14-year old Marie Antoinette marries 15-year old Mr. Potato-Head who later becomes king of Ireland. Two years later, the Potato Famine begins, as the new king refuses to allow people to grow and eat his cousins.
1866 - Monica Lewinski invents root beer.
1910 - The U.S. Congress authorizes the creation of the BATF. The BATF cracks down on drunken hippies in San Francisco the next week.
2007 - President George W. Bush dies after choking on his mispronunciation of the word "nuclear".
2008 - The Queen of England is declared emo by James Madison in his new book, The Queen and I. Sales soar through the roof. Later that day, with a tear running down her face, the Queen runs a straightblade across her wrist, telling herself that "It's just a phase."
A long, long time ago - The tyrranic reign of intergalactic emperor Palpatine came to an end in a galaxy far, far away.
2009 - Ross declares love to Stephanie Rae in front of millions.
3004 - The government finally decides to assist Hurricane Katrina victims, despite the fact that the actual event occured a thousand years ago.

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May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog (Mongolia only)

0 - First Ninja Pirate born. He is easily confused with Jesus and ends up killing said Jesus and takes his place. He is worshipped in Christianity.
616 - Pope Eggs Benedict IV declares that Spain does not exist
927 - The fucking Vikings do something really nasty, they create Norway
1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play
1975 - The Year 1975 is misplaced in History
1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I
1927 - Everybody gets depressed
1930 - First person ever born on this date.
1931 - First person to ever be born on this date is found dead of a heroin overdose. Everyone is sad.
1935 - Prozac is invented, entering the market under the auspicious title World War II
1982 - Pope Jean Paul II readmits Spain to existance, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry
1986 - Ronald Reagen weeps publically, after being called a 'nosey meddler' by Nicarauans. Sandinistas lead GLOBAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTION resulting with complete annihilation of life. God reported to be 'alcoholic and whore-mongering'.
1993 - First use of the word LOL in recorded history
2008 - With all the success of his book, James Madison takes a relaxing vacation in Purgatory. Where there was much rejoicing!
2012 - The word LOL is finally added to the Oxford dictionary, despite numerous protests from people such as Stephen Fry

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May 18: Eat Your Meat Day (India)

4829 BC - Oedipus Rex kills his mother and marries his father.
10 - Hannibal crosses the Alps and eats his enemies.
875 - The first SAT test is administered.
876 - The first SAT prep academy is founded.
1664 - The FBI is founded.
1810 - FWAAC is outlawed.
1910 - George Bush does not get any pudding
1948 - Time Magazine's printing press malfunctions. Time pauses for 5 hours and 23 minutes.
1972 - Marylin Manson is born. He cries.
1975 - Humpty Dumpty falls off the Berlin Wall.
2006 - The Nike Revolution starts.
2007 - Veggies are outlawed.
2007 - Marylin Manson smiles, looks in the mirror and then cries again.
2014 - Your mom has an erection.
2940 - The first T-rex is spotted since Jurassic times.

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May 19: Do What You Were Supposed To Do On May 18th Day (Procrastinators)

A long, long time ago - Jedi Purge Day
3141 BC - The world is invented, no-one notices.
pi - Someone decides that really long numbers are cool but hard to write down.
1897 - "No longer is there such a thing as an imprisoned Oscar Wilde." -Oscar Wilde
1922 - The United States quota on immigration is repealed after Congress unanimously votes to force everyone on Earth to live in the United States.
1964 - JFK/manwhore was assassinated in a Ford
1971 - The Soviet Union's space program releases Mars 2, the sequel to the hit planet Mars. Due to budget cutbacks, Mars 2 has four holes in its center, and appears to be two dimensional.
1997 - Chunnel declares civil war, dividing into North Chunnel and South Chunnel.
1999 - Jar Jar Binks's lead role in the movie Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace earns him much popularity.
2005 - Attempting to stay in business, the free encyclopedia Wikipedia sells advertisements using a bizarre method: for one hundred dollars, you can have every noun in any one sentence replaced with your product's name permanently.
2005 - Later that Pepsi-Cola: Attempting to parody Pepsi-Cola, the free Pepsi-Cola Pepsi-Cola sells Pepsi-Colas using a bizarre Pepsi-Cola: for one hundred Pepsi-Colas, Pepsi-Cola can have every Pepsi-Cola in any one Pepsi-Cola replaced with your Pepsi-Cola's Pepsi-Cola permanently.
2019 - Uncyclopedia suddenly doesn't suck

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May 20: Have a Vision of the Virgin Mary Day (South America and Spain), Bacon Appreciation Day (America)

200 - Bacon is invented in Turkey.
1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
1874 - Pope Pius IX sees the Virgin Mary on a strip of delicious bacon.
1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends.
1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl.
1971 - Responding to the Soviet Union's announcementof the day before the BBC start legal predings for copyright violation, claiming "Mars 2 is just a cheap knock off of Button Moon".
1988 - Night Court is cancelled. The suicide rate for shut-ins triples overnight.
1995 - Some guy finally translates De Bello Gallico.
1999 - Sophia Capicola directs the The Virgin Suicides to the delight of spaced out club kids everywhere.
2004 - McCaulay Caulkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
2007 - Illegal aliens crossing the US/Mexico border see the Virgin Mary in the Bush Administration's new 10000 volt border fence.

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May 21: Appreciation Day Appreciation Day (America)

1453 - Hundred Years' War finally ends. France win after a penalty shoot-out.
1587 - The Puritans sit down with the Native Americans and appreciate the hospitality. The Native Americans do not appreciate the smallpox.
1874 - Husbands in New York appreciate New York's one and only "Your Husband's Penis Appreciation Day."
1956 - Patrick Batemen beats his own record for number of prostitutes killed in one night. (36)
1991 - President George H.W. Bush declares May 21st Appreciation Day Appreciation Day, making it the first day of appreciation to appreciate itself.
2004 - Che Guevara rises from the dead only to see his image as the label of capitalist corporation. His brain catches on fire.
2011 - God doesn't rain Hell on Earth.

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May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

100000 B.C. - First May 22 recorded by Che Guevara
1888 - Start your own Reich day, in Germany
1936 - Joseph Stalin enters tye dye phase. It lasts one day.
1976 - The death toll from an accident at yesterday's Annual Fart Lighting Festival in Natchez, Mississippi rises to 103.
1984 - (10:00 am) Soviet Forces invade Colorado, US lets them because nobody cares about Colorado.
1984 - (10:05 am) Soviet Forces return Colorado to American control and retreats after realizing there's nothing in Colorado. Again nobody cares.
1999 - First AOL cd sent back in time.
2001 - Clustered Bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience, first thing they see is Gigli, commit suicide.
2007 - Emeril Lagasi gives up on cooking, decides to become demolition expert.
2011 - Life continues as if it didn't just end the day before.
2034 - Walt Disney utters anti semetic remark in his grave.
3026 - Che Guevara finds the All Spark and brags to all the decepticons. The decepticons later shred him.

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May 23: Stoat Molesting Night

818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time.
1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
1834 - The Force puts a DO NOT DISTURB sign on her door.
1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
1936 - Joseph Stalin's tye dye phase ends after only one day due to heavy criticism from peasants. Stalin then orders the death of all peasants.
1976 - Syracuse, New York begins the annual Punch an Old Person festival. Results in 128,693 fatalities.
1985 - The Force is disturbed by its obnoxious roommate at 3 a.m. The Force becomes pissed.
2000 - B.O. level in Otakon reaches intolerable levels, government issues airstrikes.
2001 - TimeWarner merges with Canadian Canned Worms^TM.
2002 - Canadian Canned Worms^TM TimeWarner buys Microsoft.
2006 - Ask Hal 9000 created.
2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.
2011 - You Read May 22nd's "On this Day" section.
2012 - May 23rd, 2012 hasn't happened yet.

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May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day

12,000 BC - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
10,000 BC - Blue eyed bitch is saved by mastodons and or mammoths really who cares it was a terrible movie. oh yeah , there was a sabertooth tiger!!!!1
274 BC - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin.
137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
1676 - The Simpsons stops being funny.
1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Is cancelled.
1967 - A giant rat gives birth to Michael Bolton.
1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is misteriously murded by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle" ~ Replies Rapper R Kelly
2005 - AOL frisbees become popular
2006 - 400th birthday of the pevlic thrust! Show us how it's done!
2007 - non huffable kitten the movie:god attacks! is released
2008 - Due to the hatrid of people who watch Grey's Anatomy Insted of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
2010 - The Cleavland Show is a huge success and Family Guy is canceled.
2010 - Dr Cow is feted for surviving 50 years
2014 - Tom Cruz loses all hope of being a legendary hero and returns to his home world.
2035 - TV show Lost renewed again. Critics complain about the lack of new content. The critics' critics complain about the same thing. 24 follows suit.
2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States. The first good decision ever made by a president.
2660 - Pedo Bear gives birth to M.i.L.F Bear

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May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

14 BC - Leeroy Jenkins declares "At least I still have chicken."
2000 BC - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly with the goal of "Bringin' Chitterlings to all my Peeps!"
402 BC - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what was billed as the Spat in the Flat.
1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which begins to take Europe by storm.
1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world was posponed once again due to rain.
1955 - Hyenas take over french government.
1977 - God creates Funk.
1978 - And He saw it was goooooood.
1980 - Towels are rediscovered.
1982 - Pac Man fever kills 20 million americans in just a few weeks.
1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potatoe from top one for a few weeks.
1993 - AB Logic are found guilty of crimes against music and are condemned to death by choking on artichokes
2001.5 - International "Hug a Goombie" Day founded
2002 - Mutant Goombie Children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials blamed.
2003 - First smart move made ever by a Government, Governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
2007 - Jerry Springer attacked by Trailer Park Midgets.

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May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing.
1958 - Yamahachi "Iron Chef Iron Shavings" Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
1963 - Unicorns are discovered in Portugal.
1963 - Unicorns are extinct in Portugal.
1973 - "Let's not celebrate this day" festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. (Alaska follows suit in 1983.)
1980 - Spain Declares war on Pope "Eggs benedict IV" for previous remarks
1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England.
1982 - Boy George is deposed in violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
2002 - Mars Odyssey ship finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
2003 - First Masked Avenger found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Law suits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of "Whip It !" that ranks #22 on the Billboard.
2011 - Somebody uses the word 'bacon' in a sentence.

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May 27:, National Homicide Day

2 - World's first homosexual celebrates his 40th birthday by helping create The Church of Tyra.
1032 - In England, first "Knocke, Knocke: whoeth art there?" joke performed in public.
1703 - Tsar Peter the Great, retitled Tsar Peter the "Meh, Okay".
1895 - Oscar Wilde is sent to prison, then released when the hamster never pressed charges.
1927 - Researchers in America discover 8th colour of the rainbow; call it 'onion'.
1931 - Jesus Christ considers performing the second coming; decides he'd rather get Taco Bell and watch porn.
1936 - Freddy Krueger kills himself in his own dreams accidentally. He reincarnates the same day for no reason as Walt Disney.
1937 - J.R.R Tolkien commences work on the majestic 'The Matrix: Revolutions'.
1947 - Mexico Space Program launches first rocket powered by jumping beans.
1955 - J. Edgar Hoover wins the New York Marathon dressed in a tutu.
1963 - The Beatles kick Joseph Stalin out of the band. He quickly composes "Back in the USSR" as a mild revenge.
1969 - Hippies collect signatures to forbid showers. "They are so concentration camp" is their argument.
1974 - Jimi Hendrix makes love to his guitar on stage. He is promptly taken to a hospital where he dies of severe penis shredding.
1977 - A small visitor's center opens inside Space Mountain, with its line causing one of the biggest humanitarian disasters of today.
1985 - Ronald Reagan sets a new high score for Pac-Man, humiliating former champion Mikhael Gorbachev.
1989 - Lenin is sighted in Nebraska.
2006 - Midsummer village now has NO MORE PEOPLE TO MURDER
2006 - The Vatican, Luxembourg, Malta and Fiji form the Small Countries Alliance - the most dangerous set of allies since the Axis. Together, they have a total population of 800 and double that in nuclear bombs.

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May 28: International Celebration of Belly Button Lint

A Long Time Ago - Satan was born
1515 - Marco Polo discovers Belly Button Lint during his travel to China.
1516 - Marco Polo returns to Italy with several tons of belly button lint.
1590 - Doubts arise about the true origins of Marco Polo's belly button lint.
1781 - Hip Hop is forbidden by Pope B.J. IV. The prohibition lasts until 1998; it's ending triggers the renaissance of hip hop.
1854 - Pasteur discovers a method to identify belly button lint, but he is murdered by Marco Polo heirs who want to keep the Marco Polo Monopoly on Belly Button Lint.
1855 - Angry Pasteur followers march to Italy seeking for revenge, ravaging the city, raving mad.
1919 - The ravaging of Rome rivets to its rear rammings.
1953 - Dupont synthetizes belly button lint for the first time, product sales go sky high.
1979 - First Sighting of the extremely rare belly button lint & tumbleweed crossbreed is sighted by an old man in a ghost town, he falls asleep shortly after.
1984 - Belly Button Lint damages space shuttle controls, leaving the ship marooned in space.
1999 - Customer at the Grease Hut discovers a lump of belly button lint in his soup. He leaves extremely satisfied.
2004 - Iraq acknowledges having huge amounts of belly button lint hidden in secret silos.
2005 - China sues Italy for reparations for belly button lint allegedly plundered by "imperialist capitalist pig dogs" in the Middle Ages. Italian courts deny all knowledge of these so-called "Middle Ages."
2005 - Transformers land on Earth, dance to Weird Al Yankovic and introduce the phrase Bah Weep Graaagnah Wheep Ni Ni Bong to Americans, and leave later that day to make way for Akira
2007 - Canada officially changes name to America Junior to avoid a belly button lint war.
2008 - Where's Waldo? is first published mistakenly by Martin Handford
Two Thousand and Twenty Six - IB Maths Students rebel, take over the world and ban the use of numbers in digit form in order to save the lives of future Students.
Two Thousand and Twenty Seven - IB Maths rebels are awarded Nobel Peace Prize for saving the lives of countless IB students.

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May 29: Sodium Penthathol Day

1789 - Thomas Jefferson creates the "No Anniversary Day", in order to let people rest from Anniversaries at least one day in the year.
1790 - Several people across the country try to celebrate the second "No Anniversary Day" and are executed for stupidity.
1791 - Third No Anniversary Day. Nothing happens.
1804 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes Text describing the day. He then writes the quote, "WTF happened to Sodium Penthanol day?!?," resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertainly kill themselves.
1829 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling, estranged brother of Doctor Who wonders why people in the 18th Century were unable to spell 'Sodium Pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. Large Riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade spontaneously combusts.
1859 - Emperor Norton is dubbed Emperor of The United States of America and Protector of Mexico after making quick work of his obsessive fans at the final Nortoncon.
2005 - Long lost deciple of Doctor What, lord of all spelling, discovers he can alter all the spelling mistakes he wants on this site, realising a childhood dream.
1989 - Iceland bans all applesauce causing a riot that is still going on to this day.
2010 - The WNBA declared their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill.

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May 30: Memorial Day in the United States (2011); Lod's Massacre Appreciation Day (Puerto Rico)

1431 – National hero of France Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France, after being convicted of wizardy for being able to produce milk from her breasts.
1941 – The first Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition (pictured) held in Rome.
1967 – Wilbur Wright's ghost manifests itself in the body of an otter.
1984 – Big Brother watches you.
2002 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
2003 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
2004 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
2005 – Natalee Holloway goes missing on a slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
2013 – God recreates Earth, starting with Uncylopedia.

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May 31: Feast Day of the Rancid Aardvark in the Czech Republic; Fast Food and Baseball Appreciation Day in the United States; World No Tobacco Day

1578 – Martin Frobisher sails from England to Frobisher Bay, Canada. He is stunned to find somewhere he's never been named after himself.
1830 – The first cigarettes are introduced and are approved by the Surgeon General as a treatment for pink lung disease.
1812 – Great Grease Fire of 1812 occurs as the world mourns for the porn magazines destroyed in the blaze.
1884 – John Harvey Kellogg, after seeing a field of corn covered in flakes of snow, patents yogurt enemas and pornflakes. (pictured)
1924 – The Soviet Union signs an agreement with the Chinese government, designating Outer Mongolia as One of the funniest place-names in the world.
1945 – Babe Ruth, in the heat of the game, kills the umpire, and is given a stern warning.
1961 – Scientists release research confirming anchovies are more at home in tomato sauce than water.
1974 – Syria and Israel sign an accord to resolve the hostilities over who gets first dibs on Kojak re-runs.
2006 – Bono finally finds what he's looking for.
2007 – Bono loses what he finally found in 2006 and begins to look for it again.