Maxwell Edison

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
193728QVxU w

The infamous weapon

Bouncywikilogo5
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Maxwell Edison.

Maxwell Edison is a name well known to many. As a homicidal maniac convicted for the Abbey Road murders, Edison was responsible for the three deaths, along with being a prime suspect in the rumored "make it look like a car accident" murder of popular Beatle, Paul McCartney.

An HBO documentary about Maxwell, Bang Bang, Clang Clang, was made in 2012, reopening interest in the case.

edit Early Life

Maxwell Prudence Edison was born to Michelle MaBelle and Dr. Robert Edison. Dr. Edison was an alcoholic, and was continually running out of the house, stinking of gin (and sometimes sminking of it), to play a card-game known as "The End" with the notorious outlaw Rocky Raccoon, who at the time was in hiding in Blackburn, Lancashire. Maxwell remembers his dad as something of a "nowhere man".

His mother sold herself on the streets, under the name "Sexy Sadie". The Doctor never knew about this, because before he came home, she'd come in through the bathroom window, which she had propped up with a silver spoon, and insist, "I'm only sleeping!".

One night, however, Dr. Robert and Michelle got into trouble. Awoken from his golden slumbers, Maxwell arose to hear his father utter, "She's so heavy!" as he carried the corpse of a woman who is known only as Julia. The family taxman, Mr. Moonlight, was hiding in their closet. Dr. Robert could not hide his secret anymore. He worked for a criminal mastermind, Bungalow Bill. Bill planned Julia's death, along with that of a young girl named Eleanor Rigby, whose body was abandoned in a church headed by Father Mackenzie, who sat darning his socks at night when nobody was there. No one was saved. Mackenzie committed the murder to see if the widespread belief that happiness was a warm gun was actually true.

As this was going on, Mr. Moonlight, wishing to avoid a conflict, crawled into the bathtub to hide. Young Maxwell approached Moonlight to ask him about the situation, and he answered, "She's leaving home." Maxwell began to cry, but, trying to appear strong, said it was only his guitar gently weeping. He cried out, "I'm so tired!" Moonlight, not wishing to get caught, gave the boy the first guidance he ever got: "Think for yourself." Downstairs, the fight had escalated to the point where Michelle slapped Dr. Robert and yelled, "You never give me your money!" Suddenly, Rocky Raccoon burst in, grinning a grin. As it turned out, Rocky had been Michelle's most frequent customer, and if there was much time left before Robert returned home from his nightly outings with the outlaw, Rocky would come to Michelle. For years Rocky and Michelle had been devising a master-plan to kill Robert and run away together, and decided that it was up to Rocky to put it into effect. Rocky chose this night. He lit a fire, and the flames flew free as a bird. Robert caught fire in accordance with the plan, but in an unexpected turn of events Michelle caught fire as well. "Isn't it good, Norwegian wood?" were Michelle's last words.

Robert, Michelle, Rocky Raccoon, and Mr. Moonlight died in that fire, so Maxwell, thinking for himself, went to live with his uncle, mean Mr. Mustard, and his sister "Polythene" Pam. Mustard was abusive, so Maxwell ran away from home, and ran into famed showman Mr. Kite. Kite used the boy to help him pitch tents. This is where Maxwell received his infamous silver hammer. Maxwell said it was just a stupid weight. Kite instructed him: "Boy, you're gonna carry that weight. Carry that weight a long time."

edit "Lady" Joan Madonna

Maxwell soon abandoned Kite, and moved into a flat along Penny Lane. He frequented the local pub, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, which featured a hot new swinging band. There he met Joan Madonna. He said to her, "I wanna be your man". They quickly hit it off, and had nine children---three sets of triplets.

edit College Years

Mourner-meanie

"Lady" Madonna, children at her feet, could not manage to make ends meet. So she took a home education course in pataphysical science. Maxwell was majoring in Medical Science at the Digapony Institute. Edison was a member of the infamous fraternity Obla Di Obla Da.

Head of the fraternity was now famous paperback writer Sun King. The mischievous fraternity organized a prank to throw an old brown shoe at the school's mascot, the Blue Greeny, often known to students as the Blue Weenie or the Blue Meanie. But as the mascot came riding out on his yellow submarine float, Maxwell accidentally instead threw a glass onion, which shattered. Shards of glass landed, not only in the eyes of the girl in the Blue Greeny costume, but into those of lovely Rita, the meter maid (a girl who checks the pressure meter on the float.) Unable to see the meter, Rita broke a valve, causing the float to explode, killing her and Martha Mydear, Digapony Institute's Blue Greeny.

edit The First Murder

It was a hard day's night in the Madonna home. Joan was very interested in her studies, while eating her savoy truffles and honey pie. Wild honey pie to be precise. She had told Maxwell to call her. "You know my name," she said. "Look up the number." When Maxwell called, it was 1 after 9:09---9:10 PM. Joan answered. She was scared. She questioned him about the Blue Greeny murder; she had been hearing about it here, there, and everywhere. He assured her: "Oh! Darling, please believe me. I'll never do you no harm." Despite his reassurance, Maxwell was no longer that boy. Years of psychological trauma delivered to him by his parents, his uncle, Rocky Raccoon, Mr. Kite, and others was turning him into a monster.

He invited her to go on a "magical mystery tour" (Liverpool term for sex) with him. This would be his way of fixing the hole he had made between them. She told him to get back, to just let it be. He persisted, asking, "Why don't we do it in the road?" She still said no. She was confused, but she did want to be around him, saying something about wanting to "hey-bulldog" him (another term). In response, he stated: "You want to 'hey-bulldog' me, without being there? How can I be within you without you?" Eventually, things started getting better.

But as Joan was preparing to take her leave, someone knocked on her door. She opened the door, and saw Maxwell standing there. He knew what he wanted to do, when he saw her standing there. She kissed him, and said to him, "I want to hold your hand."

"I'm sorry about fighting," he said, while grasping her hand with his left, and putting his right behind his back.

"We can work it out. All you need is love from me to you," she said as she stared deeply into his eyes, not noticing his arm moving. Maxwell started, "I love you to..." and as he cried out the final word, "death", Bang Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head. "You better run for your life, if you can, little girl!" said Maxwell. "Hello... goodbye!" Striking an additional two blows, he ensured her demise.

He then ran down the long and winding road back to his flat, for no one could know the crime he had committed. The four loud strikes of metal to bone woke a girl, a girl who promptly called the police, and hyperventilated during the call, causing the police to ask her if she was "buzzing" (Liverpool term for smoking marijuana). As Maxwell went away, a blackbird flew into the light of the dark black night. However, it was later found that it was actually a black mockingbird and that Maxwell also sinfully killed it.

In using a hammer, Maxwell eluded the police as they spent the following days working with what little evidence they had.

edit The Second Murder

Beatles

The press conference. To this day, no one is quite sure why anyone baked a welcome Beatles cake. I'm not even talking about the article, I mean in real life. I really don't think they wanted a cake.

Pretending to mourn the loss of Joan, Maxwell told the press he was getting by with a little help from his friends. "You won't see me crying," Maxwell was quoted as saying. "Somewhere across the universe, Joan is in a better place."

Maxwell returned to his class, and began to feed off of the attention. Professor Maggie Mae Daytripper was displeased, and instructed Maxwell to write fifty times: "I must not be so (the last word of this sentence became illegible due to the blood splattered across the board.)" Maxwell was now alone with the teacher.

While no one knows the exact actions that took place in that room, forensics conclude that as Prof. Maggie Mae turned to look in the opposite direction, and even before she could yell, "Help! I need somebody!" Maxwell bludgeoned her from behind twice. Then he repeated his signature second beating to ensure her death.

edit The Trial

Maxwell was arrested for the murder of both Joan and Maggie Mae. Maxwell tried to outrun police in a famous fifteen-minute car chase in a white Volkswagen Beetle with the license plate 28IF. He was caught by PC-31 and brought before the judge.

The honorable Judge William "Billy" Shears presided. It began as a regular trial, until Rose and Valerie made an outburst demanding Maxwell's freedom. It was total helter-skelter until the bailiff removed the two women. Excerpts from Maxwell's testimonial are: "I am the Walrus", "...everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey..." (Monkey is slang for group in Liverpool. Hey, I don't judge.), "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away," and when questioned about Ms. Madonna's apartment: "There are places I remember, all my life, though... some have changed. Goo Goo G'Joob." Based on these excerpts, psychologists have determined that at that point Maxwell's insanity started to affect his grammatical faculties.

After a long and needlessly expensive trial, the court found Maxwell guilty. As Judge Shears read the verdict, Maxwell attacked and killed the judge with his silver implement in the two-step process to which he had become accustomed. Another much shorter but still needlessly expensive trial was held and he was once again found guilty of that murder too. The second time round the court had the good sense to keep the hammer out of arm's reach of the defendent's seat. He stated his multiple murders were justified in that "[w]hat they needed was damn good whacking".

edit Now

Fortunately for Maxwell, the death penalty was outlawed. Maxwell Prudence Edison was sent to Pepperland Prison and Work Farm, with no chance of parole until age 64. In 2011, Maxwell turned 64; however, since he is a murderer of three people, he was not given parole, and he is likely to continue working in the prison's strawberry fields forever. He currently runs an advice column, "Dear Prudence" for Octopus Home & Garden Monthly, which he updates eight days a week.

His warden, Lucy, who enjoys parachuting in the sky with diamonds, has stated that he behaves very well, and although he cannot be let out, she imagines him becoming a worthy senior citizen. She said, she said that all things must pass, and that tomorrow never knows if he will be set free. She also states that if his behavior still stays like this, she will give peace a chance and let him fly. Jude, who owns the asylum, said if Maxwell "takes a sad song and makes it better" he will be released.

Personal tools
projects