Max Stirner

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Stirner

This is a sketch of what Stirner looked like. It is not what Stirner really looked like. What Stirner really looked like is, according to Stirner: Mine. It belongs to Me. Not you; Me.

Max Stirner (25 October 1806 – 26 June 1856) was a German philosopher who, as one of the founders of formal anarchism, is credited with inventing the oxymoron. His philosophy was a crunchy nougat of nihilism with a savoury coating of Satanism. He is famous for advocating chaos and disorder, not that they needed much encouragement. His philosophy is totally discredited today, though it forms the tripartite basis of all post-secondary education; to-wit, sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll.

edit Early years

As soon as Stirner was born, the local priest claimed the child to be the Antichrist. He was the kind of kid who stepped on bugs for fun. However, eventually, he realised he needed a better hobby, because of the inconsequentiality of the bugs. When he got into college, he found this hobby, as the rest of us did too, in philosophy and drugs.

At Sunday services, he randomly yelled out, "Nice Spooks Nerd!" Sadly, in 19th-century Germany, such children were not assigned an Individual Educational Plan and pumped up with drugs until they are loopy. Thus, he came to assume that his outbursts were correct and began to fashion a complete philosophy around them. A key component of his dogged persistence with his philosophy is the fact that someone kept him fed.

edit Student of Hegel

In college, Stirner was a student of Georg Hegel. Hegel had developed a philosophy based on Pong, long before there were vector video screens on which to test his assertions. This philosophy deeply influenced young Stirner. However, outside the classroom, Stirner learned things that he thought more important. Mainly, how to party. He also bonded with other students of Hegel, including Karl Marx. Eventually their thinking diverged, as Marx went in one direction (Communism) and Stirner in another (anarchism). They remained friends until Stirner called Marx a pussy. Marx responded by writing a massive book, "The German Ideology", describing how he fucked Stirner's mother in painstaking detail. The consequences of Marx now stand as history, whereas those of Stirner have a modern-day impact that is closer to Home Economics.

edit Fuck Hegel

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Max Stirner.

Stirner's new nihilist philosophy, Egoism, made him write his only significant book, entitled either The Ego and Its Own or The Unique and Its Property depending on how you translate the German. Stirner's thesis in this book is that the individual should do whatever he wants. "Fuck bitches, get money." Unless he is a Jew. Also all silly social constructs like morality are "spooks" that the Unique "creative nothing" should purge from his being by eating baked children. Stirner also modified Hegel's ideas, stating: "Pong is chaotic. If you go into the system, you can reprogram it. Break the rules."

This only significant book of Stirner's is still in print, if one ventures past the beggars into the more eclectic districts of San Francisco and searches for it on the musty shelves of bookstores. The proprietors won't know why they stocked it, though, and it will take them quite a while to decide on a price for it.

edit Death

Stirner died of a bug bite. Nobody came to his funeral.

Many years after he died, a tiny cult called "post-leftism" dug his skull out of its grave and used it as a holy sex toy. Their leader, Bob Black, then proceeded to write a book about why everyone should be lazy while high on LSD.

edit See also

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