Max Ostrovski's Guide to Losing Journalistic Credibility

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So you want to lose your credibility, huh? I have no idea why you'd want to, but you obviously do if you're here, so don't stop reading until you reach the end. If you don't, your IP addess will be recorded and you will become a candidate for speedy decapitation.

edit So How Do I Get Started?


These guys read my article

First, you might just want to start off slow. Write an article on something that didn't happen. Misquote a celebrity. Whatever. Don't just dive into it or you might find a brick or pipebomb flying through your window and onto your living room floor. This is especially embarrassing if you have guests over.

After your little "goof", start climbing your way down the credibility ladder. As your reputation grows as a journalistic hack, go right ahead and employ the following tactics to secure your status as a source of up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

edit Methods

edit Step 1: Get good at Photoshop

Nobody is going to trust you if there's a shortcut to Adobe Photoshop CS2 on your desktop, and they'll trust you even less if you actually use it. A good place to start is to make funny and skillfully manipulated images and post them on a suitable source of parody, say, Encyclopedia Dramatica. People will see your .JPGs depicting a fake GI Jew movie poster and possibly laugh, but they'll get suspicious when they see a column of Mechs held up by a tiny Chinese man with his hand up on the evening news.

edit Step 2: Cite Statistics

By "statistics", of course, I mean "numbers". Of course, you need a suitable place from which to pull out these numbers; I recommend your ass. For example:

Roughly 250 people in Florida die from alligators every 10 years.

Is completely incorrect. However:

You're five times more likely to die from alligators in Florida than from car accidents!

Is completely correct. How could it be correct? Simple - because you said it, and you have your own TV show.

edit Step 3: Hype, Hype, HYPE!

This is very, very, fucking important. If you don't listen to me about this, you will die. No question. Example:

The new Super-SARS disease is rapidly spreading through Asia, with a %100 fatality rate at death. So far, the equivalent of one Boeing 787 has been infected with it.

See how effective that is? Be sure to include something about airplanes. After 9/11 and Snakes on a Plane, everyone has a morbid fear of those aluminum coffins. Use words like "rapid", "chilling", "scourge", "terrifying", and "morbid" in your reports - nothing grabs the eye better. Using too many terror-inspiring adjectives may actually advance your journalistic career, so don't go overkill in this respect. It could seriously hurt your lack of credibility.

edit You're Done!

...Reading this article! The real work is ahead of you, and you can now follow in the footsteps of the greats, like Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, and Tucker Carlson. Have fun, and get your own damn show already!

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