Max Lord
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“Hey Max, that's a cool gun. Oh god...”
“See Max, this is a new massaging technique I learned on Amazon Island. Just turn your neck a little further. You can't? Let me help...”
Max Lord or, "The Executioner of Shackled C-List Superhero Souls", is a former PR failure turned killer. His most notorious killing was that of Blue Beetle, although many others have tasted his wrath.
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[edit] The Early Years
Maxwell Lord IV was born to Lord Voldemort and Heather Locklear in 1968. After attending Uncle Al's Used Car Comunity School of Hard Knocks, Max felt his burgeoning education was ready to be taken for a spin. He set out to claim his fortunes, forming the Justice League International.
While on this team, made many friends, including Captain Falcon, Blue Beetle, and Wonder Woman. However, after a small mishap, Captain Falcon storme off the Justice League, claiming, "Captain Falcon never shares the spotlight! Falcon kick!"
Max was crushed as his team fell apart arounnd him, and he vowed revenge.
[edit] Revenge
Max, grief-stricken and enraged, found it hard to even maintain a simple job. He spent a short time leading a group of celebrity look-alikes around as Superbuddies, a lame knock off of Superfriends. When this fell flat, he found himself forced to work as a janitor at a small hospital called Sacred Heart.
Eventually, redemption came for Max. He allied himself with David Cross and Jeff Brooks, two former heavyweights in Hollwood, and together they eventually devised a plan to get back at the former members of the Justice League. Unfortunately, scheduling conflicts with a 19th season of ER meant that Max would have to "go it alone" as it were.
Max spent minutes planning hiis course of action. He devised an elaborate disguise:
Then, he went to work on a time machine. This machine was rather shoddy craftsmanship, and it could only travel a half hour forward or backwards at a time. Max knew that his mission was a crucial religious godsend. And soon, it would wreck havoc on the world.
[edit] Max's Killings and Death
Max went on a rampage soon after, killing millions (a partial list of those who mattered is below). However, Max eventually reached that part of hi list he had been waiting for: Justice League members. It was a cold Halloween evening as Ted Kord opened the door to yet another group of children. Holding a bowl of candy he said, "What do we have here?" Out of the darkness stepped Max, who took aim at Blue Beetle's head, saying, "Merry Christmas, motherfucker."
Beetle said, "Max! It's Halloween!" But it was too late. Beetle's brains splattered all over a kid dressed up as Chuck Norris.
Max's brutal killing eventually reached the ears of Wonder Woman, who eventually tacked Max down and killed him with a hardcore neck massage. Then, for kicks, she killed David Cross. Not for any reason but more for kicks.
The legacy of max Lord was at an end. Well... at least until he came back as a zombie and wanted to eat out Wonder Woman. Oh, rather just eat her. Wait... not, I was right the first time.
[edit] Max's Victims
While many more were killed in that fateful massacre, these are the ones we actually took the time to write down:
- Blue Beetle
- Abraham Lincoln
- The main Charater from Stardust
- John F. Kennedy
- Robert F. kennedy
- Captain America
- Will Ferrell's sense of humor
- Dick Cheney's third clone
- Aquaman
- Jefferson Davis
- Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
- Your Mom
- Bart Simpson (who later returned Crisis on Aborted Births)
- The Cast of the West Wing.
- Mark Mancuso, and anchor of the Weather Channel
- Harry Osborn
